Welcome to this year’s SummerSlam! It’s an awfully long program we have booked this year, but I’m not going to complain about extra wrestling.
I mean, who am I kidding? I’ll complain about plenty.
Jess here, because Steph’s trying to get her life together, or something. Possibly getting dinner before a long, long night.
Hey, wrestling fans, it’s another month and it’s time for another lot of PPV predictions! This month it’s SummerSlam, and dear god is it a long one – in total, including pre-show, it’s five hours of wrestling, so without any more preamble, here are my predictions for what goes down at SummerSlam 2016 and why.
I’m going to publicly shame all the men I’ve spoken to recently who didn’t want the women to be split when the brands came apart: Dan, who I work with at the gym; Jordan, who writes for us here, and generally has a better track record than this with feminism; Sean, who’s married to Jess who writes for us here; the boys at WhatCulture. There’s a word for all of you, and it starts with a C and isn’t allowed in polite company.
The first night of our new Monday Night Raw! Wow! So we cover Dean being lifted by the SmackDown roster last night, and then it’s fresh new music for the start of Raw, and also our new commentary team and the new place for the announce table… hang on, can people not be put through tables anymore? Steph and Mick introduce us to the entire roster of Raw, playing the new music, too. Apparently Neville and Mark Henry were the only ones who didn’t get the memo about wearing their own clothes, and are still wearing their Raw shirts.
We open with Chris Jericho in the ring for the Highlight Reel. The way he’s telling us all to be quiet, I start to feel sorry for the poor, obviously hungover, wrestler, before I remember that this is just what Jericho sounds like when he’s grouchy. He brags a little more about how he invented Money in the Bank despite never having won, and then invites Dean Ambrose down to be his guest. Dean makes his way down the ramp holding what I’m pretty sure is a fast food soda cup that I have to assume is going all over Jericho and/or his $20,000 carpet, and we recap the events of the Shield reunion on RAW. My Shield feelings have still not recovered, so forgive me for not recapping this in more detail.
Dean is more interested in asking about Jericho’s carpet, which is much nicer than the weird shag rug that he uses for his show. Jericho demands that Dean watch the coffee, which is apparently what is in the cup, and not spill it all over his Serengeti yak carpet, before asking the important question. Why the hell did Dean bring a cup of coffee to the ring with him anyway? So he can drink in the gift of Jericho, apparently. That’s not what he means by that, Dean. That’s never what he means by that.
The New Day vs. The Vaudevillains – the unicorns win by disqualification due to interference from Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson.
Breezango vs. The Usos – The Usos win.
Rusev vs. Zack Ryder – Rusev wins.
Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. The Dudley Boyz – Enzo & Big Cass win.
Natalya vs. Dana Brooke – Dana Brooke wins.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin – Ziggler is disqualified due to a low blow, but comes out looking pretty great.
Dean Ambrose, Sami Zayn & Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens, Chris Jericho & Alberto del Rio – Dean, Sami and Cesaro take the win.