Welcome one and all to Fastlane, the PPV pay-per-view we get before WrestleMania, so everyone take those standards and adjust them! I’m grumpy, because my internet is going up and down like a tape of Neville played on fast-forward and then rewind.
It’s that time of year again, where we’re dangerously close to WrestleMania, and we start to get the weird matches that are leading up to that. Let’s see what the predictions are for this Sunday!
Hello, my little kayfabulous delights! What a week we’ve had, my darlings, one can hardly believe it. If you’ve missed any of the gorgeously gay goings-on this week, don’t worry, I’m here to catch you up and spread the love like our pretty boys spread their legs! We’ve got a lot to cram in this week, but don’t worry, we’re good at prepping you first – even though I’m sure you like it a little rough and ready! Well, don’t stand around like a spare prick, lovelies! Let’s get started!
It’s Steph here, ready to recap raw, and it’s the Valentine’s Day Raw! Well, it’s the 13th for them, but the 14th for me, so we’ll see how we’re going to play this. I’ve been promised Emmalina, so if she doesn’t show up, Valentine’s Day is cancelled. We’re here in Las Vegas, Nevada, for a festival of friendship, a women’s title match, and that guy with the ‘Leonard’ sign who was at Elimination Chamber last night. I’ve left my wife in bed, so I’m having Valentine’s Day with all of you lovely people, instead.
Hey everyone! Sora filling in for Steph again because I love RAW that much. Let’s get this over with.
We open with a JeriKO package that reminds me of circa 2000s shipping AMVs. It shows Jericho and KO beating Roman for the US championship title because teamwork makes the dream work.
Hey guys! Sora here! Steph came down with a bad case of concussion, so I’ll be recapping RAW for you this Monday evening. It’s actually my first RAW in awhile so it’ll be good to catch up (I literally had to google who the tag team champs were…). This will be a bit of an abridged recap, as I don’t know the names of all the moves like Steph (honestly, she’s fucking incredible, I don’t know how she learned them all so quickly), but I will be as thorough as I can possibly be and, hey, I’ll even throw in some art to make it worth your while.
Strap in folks, cause if I remember RAW, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The Undertaker! Shawn Michaels! Mick Foley getting a public dressing-down! It’s all here!
Has it really been a week since last Raw? It feels like it’s been a million years – because nothing happened – and also no time at all – because nothing happened. It was a dull Raw, and while this one should, theoretically be better, because it’s a new year, but I can’t actually promise that. But hey, apparently there’s Goldberg this week, so that’s good, right? This is also the last Raw recapped using my old laptop, as my new one turns up tomorrow, and will be able to play WWE 2K17. So don’t expect me to be prompt with anything after that arrives.
Oh, and Happy New Year, readers. We made it to 2017. Now to see if Raw will finish us off.
Ah, the Boxing Day Raw, proof that Vince McMahon has heard of the holidays, and this mythical thing called ‘time off’, and has decided that he doesn’t want any, thank you very much. Which is pretty much how I feel about all the misogyny in his product, but as I’m not a billionaire, that probably doesn’t matter.
We’re all decorated for Christmas around the ring, which obviously means someone’s being thrown into presents, which I have to say has always been my favourite part of the festive season. You mean you don’t suplex your family into a pile of gifts on Christmas morning? Weird.