Well, here we are, my first Raw since WrestleMania, because I’ve been gallivanting around being terribly ill, and then cuddling pretty UK wrestlers at Fight Club: Pro on Friday! So we’re off to a good start, with a recap of Braun Strowman murdering Roman Reigns last week, overturning an ambulance and everything to make sure the Big Dog was well and truly buried. But it’s okay, because, due to beating The Undertaker at WrestleMania, Roman has his gimmick now, and therefore can’t die. It’s perfect.
Well, bugger me, it’s WrestleMania! And this year, neither of our recappers is in hospital! Hooray! So, for this, Jess will be taking the SmackDown matches, Steph has the Raw matches, and we’ve tossed a coin for the battle royal, which Jess lost. Hah.
We’re doing minimal recap of the pre-show, because Jerry Lawler is on it, and if we have to recap two hours of Jerry Lawler, someone’s going to die. So we’ll cover the matches, but otherwise, we’ll leave it alone.
Well, as Kenji said last year, it’s time for the annual lowering of standards that comes with WrestleMania. That said, I’m incredibly jealous of anyone in Orlando right now, because all the shows that are going on look INCREDIBLE, and loads of my BritWres faves are there as well.
It’s a tag team tonight! Jess and Steph, back as a team for another dual-brand PPV! This means the six+ hours of wrestling we’re about to endure – sorry, I mean enjoy – won’t be done alone by one of us who wishes desperately that they were asleep or drunk. Jess will take the SmackDown specific matches, Steph the Raw specific ones, and as Jess did the hour long Survivor Series match, it’s Steph’s turn to suffer, so she’s got the Rumble. Let’s do this.
Hey everyone! Sora filling in for Steph again because I love RAW that much. Let’s get this over with.
We open with a JeriKO package that reminds me of circa 2000s shipping AMVs. It shows Jericho and KO beating Roman for the US championship title because teamwork makes the dream work.
We open with Seth’s music, because the boy has zero chill, and can’t wait five minutes for us to start the show. Yes, hello Mr Extra, we all see you. Seth’s got a mic, and he’s here to talk to us about how he wants Triple H. Seth, he’s married, he’s just not that into you, poppet. Seth says breaking up the Shield taught him about how actions have consequences. He’s a little upset that Daddy’s got some new toys, that’s what I’m getting here. Apparently the Pedigree for Jericho was a message for Triple H. Seth, Christmas cards exist, darling, it’s the season for them, just send him a nice card with a small, cute polar bear in a scarf on it. Seth says he’s got to get Jericho out of the way first, because Kevin uses him, and then once he takes Kevin’s title, that will mean Triple H has to show up.
I’m going to publicly shame all the men I’ve spoken to recently who didn’t want the women to be split when the brands came apart: Dan, who I work with at the gym; Jordan, who writes for us here, and generally has a better track record than this with feminism; Sean, who’s married to Jess who writes for us here; the boys at WhatCulture. There’s a word for all of you, and it starts with a C and isn’t allowed in polite company.