It’s a tag team tonight! Jess and Steph, back as a team for another dual-brand PPV! This means the six+ hours of wrestling we’re about to endure – sorry, I mean enjoy – won’t be done alone by one of us who wishes desperately that they were asleep or drunk. Jess will take the SmackDown specific matches, Steph the Raw specific ones, and as Jess did the hour long Survivor Series match, it’s Steph’s turn to suffer, so she’s got the Rumble. Let’s do this.
Ah, the annual ‘throw everyone into the ring and see what happens’ PPV. I’m not feeling too respectful at this point, what with temporary paralysis and it being nearly 5am, so you can enjoy a fairly irreverent attempt at some predictions, if you’d like. Bit more sweary than usual, too, but sod it, it’s early. Without any more ado: the Rumble.
Here are the results for the 2016 Royal Rumble!
Kick-off show – yeah, I’m vaguely recapping this, for once, because I have a co-commentary partner in tumblr user latentexistence, and my usual partners in crime, sorabora and jax-ambrose. I’m also recapping it because the pre-show match is going to be important, showing us two of the people entering the Royal Rumble match.
Renee Young is perfect, as per usual, and dear god, they’ve let Lawler on the pre-show instead of Byron Saxton. Why? Why would you do this to us? So we’ve also got Booker and Corey Graves, and with the addition of Lawler, the IQ of the kick-off panel has been halved.
We get a reminder that Vince once made Stone Cold job to him, before we cover KO and Ambrose doing their last man standing match promos.
Kick Off Match: Darren Young and Damien Sandow vs. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) vs. The Ascension (Konnor and Viktor) vs. Mark Henry and Jack Swagger
So this kick-off match is for two spaces in the Royal Rumble (really, we’ve got enough roster left that people can fight over spaces?), and my call would be that it’ll be Henry and Swagger, or Young and Sandow. That’s my hope, anyway, because I’m tired of watching the Dudleys do anything, and as much as I love my little Ascension babies, I vaguely want to see Sandow win the whole Rumble. Just, out of nowhere, because why not?