Welcome one and all to Fastlane, the PPV pay-per-view we get before WrestleMania, so everyone take those standards and adjust them! I’m grumpy, because my internet is going up and down like a tape of Neville played on fast-forward and then rewind.
It’s that time of year again, where we’re dangerously close to WrestleMania, and we start to get the weird matches that are leading up to that. Let’s see what the predictions are for this Sunday!
I’m not sure that there’s anything new to say here.
I’m not sure that there’s anything new to say, because it’s been a year – more than a year – and nothing has changed. Even my ability to enjoy being bitter about things on the internet is being tested.
We’ve got your results for Fastlane 2016 right here!
In the interest of balance, your recapper would like to let you know that she is wearing one of her Dean Ambrose t-shirts tonight. However, I’m also wearing my Undertaker sweats, because let’s face it – tonight? Someone’s getting fucking buried. I’ve also been awake since 6am and the kick-off show starts at midnight, I’m on very strong opiate painkillers, and I have to be quiet because my wife has an interview tomorrow. It’s a busy time in our household.
So, let’s get underway with the kick-off show I shouldn’t have to watch, but I do, because they’ve shoved the US title on this. I get it, we’ve watched Kalisto and Del Rio square off a few times now, it’s not as fresh as it once was, but at least they’re mixing it up by making it two out of three falls.
The wonderful Renee Young welcomes us to Fastlane, and I like what she’s done with her hair. We’ve got Corey Graves, Booker T, and Jerry (oh god) Lawler. Who starts us off by insulting Renee’s outfit. Wow, classy. We’re talking about how many injuries we’ve had, ahahaha. Rich Brennan is in the social media lounge, because I guess Tom Phillips wasn’t allowed to come out to play tonight, he’s got a lot of homework to do.
So, it’s that time again, and that time is predictions! Fastlane has snuck up on us as the last PPV before WrestleMania, and it’s time to really get those storylines nailed down in a desperate hope that no one else gets injured before the big event. They haven’t got any more Triple Hs to throw into events all willy-nilly, you know.