It’s that time of year again, and while our recaps may have been conspicuously absent, as I sleep like a normal person and Jess has an actual social life, I considered that I couldn’t, in all good conscience, miss out on the first women’s Money in the Bank contract match in WWE history. So, I’ve dug out the old laptop so I can dual screen this recap, and we’re all set.
Now, usually Jess does the SmackDown stuff and I do the Raw things, but as I was awake and as it’s supposedly my blog, I decided I’d pop over to the blue brand to see how they’re doing lately. Obviously, I’ve kept up with events via Twitter, and all that, but it’ll be nice to see a PPV for the first time in a while. Other than the MitB matches, I’ve no idea what else is on the show, so there’s no predictions, just a big question mark. I may not even do play-by-play, because it’s not like JBL is going to help me with the names of moves.
I miss Mauro.
If I seem a little saltier than usual, please remember that England is in the grip of a heatwave right now, and I’m so warm that I’d like to skin myself for some coolness.
MATCH: Hype Bros vs. The Colons
- I literally had to look that up, because I went “who the fuck are these cunts?” at the THIRD repackage of Primo and Epico I’ve now seen. I’m not sure that if I was part of a team called “The Colons” that I’d want it written on my arse, but there we go.
- Mojo Rawley has come back from injury looking like he had some sort of face graft of Triple H, as far as I can see. Commentary respects this match by talking about Randy Orton.
- The Hype Ryder takes the win for Mojo and Zack, and I realise this is the first SmackDown programming I’ve watched since the first brand split. No wonder I’m so lost!
The Network has already argued with me so much that I’ve had to put it on the new laptop and type on the old one, which has pretty much set the mood for me for this PPV.
The camera makes its way through a forest of ladders like the cameraman got lost, and I start taking shots every time someone says “making history”.
MATCH: Charlote Flair vs. Becky Lynch vs. Tamina vs. Carmella vs. Natalya – Women’s Money in the Bank Match
Charlotte’s in the peacock robe again, which I love, then it’s gorgeous and wonderful Becky, who always makes me happy, and then TAMINA! I have to admit, I knew she was back, but… oh, I love seeing her. Fully dressed in black, looking amazing. Then it’s Carmella, who I’ve admittedly been sleeping on, because… SmackDown. And then Nattie, whom I will always adore.
We get a video package talking about the history of women’s wrestling, where they ignore Chyna and AJ Lee, because of course they do.
- Everyone stands for a minute to see who’s doing what, but we end up with Becky and Tamina in the ring, and Tamina takes everyone out with the ladders they’re trying to bring in.
- Charlotte comes in to take down Tamina, but Nattie wants to tangle with her, and then Tamina takes out Carmella and Becky. Once more, she’s the one in the ring while everyone else is down.
- Nattie wants some but Tamina smacks her so hard she goes over in a roll, and then monkey-flips her into the ladder. Tamina goes to set up the ladder, but Becky is stirring, so she throws it at her instead.
- Charlotte fights off Tamina and Nattie for a minute, and then Becky kicks Tamina and a ladder down. Nattie and Becky play “to me, to you” for a bit, shoving the ladder into Tamina, but Becky takes it in the end.
- She turns to use it to stop Carmella, but Nattie comes back to drop Becky on the ladder. Nattie sets the ladder up, and it wobbles like someone should have read a health and safety video.
- She climbs almost to the top, and touches the case, but Charlotte is climbing up as well. She kicks Charlotte off the ladder twice, then Charlotte gets her up for an electric chair drop.
- Charlotte goes to climb the wobbly ladder and starts climbing, but Carmella pulls her down and climbs over her, but Charlotte grabs her ankle. Carmella swaps to the other side if the ladder, touches the case, but Charlotte follows her up, and they exchange blows.
- Tamina oushes the ladder over, knocking them both into the ropes as they fall. Nattie comes in with a Sharpshooter. Becky and Nattie brawl, before Becky throws Nattie into the ladder.
- Becky starts climbing, but Carmella drags her down, throwing her into another ladder. Becky lands on her feet, but Carmella’s in with a headscissors.
- Carmella climbs the ladder, but Charlotte takes her out with a big boot, then takes down Becky too. Charlotte starts climbing, but Tamina follows her up, Charlotte coming back with elbows. They both come off the ladder, Charlotte landing hard, but she’s not having any of it. Shoulder tackle to Tamina, rolling her out of the ring.
- Charlotte goes up high, comes down in a twisting full somersault, knocking down Tamina and Nattie. You see Tamina move so she’s touching Charlotte’s hand, a moment. It’s heartfelt.
- In the ring, Becky and Carmella duke it out, Becky knocking Carmella free, and Ellsworth tips her off the ladder, where she impacts with the ropes.
Aaaaaand that’s all I’m recapping, folks, because I’m going to nope out of this and write a furious, scathing review of what just happened.
Sorry. But I’m not watching any more.