Well, as Kenji said last year, it’s time for the annual lowering of standards that comes with WrestleMania. That said, I’m incredibly jealous of anyone in Orlando right now, because all the shows that are going on look INCREDIBLE, and loads of my BritWres faves are there as well.
I’ve spent the best part of Mania week in an unheated caravan in North Wales, so frankly, if I sound a little acerbic, don’t be surprised. I get home about five hours before the pre-show starts, so if the recap is a little vicious, don’t be surprised. Cold and rain, halfway up a mountain, doesn’t make me a happy beast.
Well, on to WrestleMania predictions!
MATCH: Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Announced wrestlers: Big Show, Sami Zayn, Braun Strowman, Apollo Crews, Mojo Rawley etc.
Prediction: Who cares? No, really. No one cares. This means nothing. But if it’s the only chance we get to see Sami all night, I hope he wins it, because I love him.
MATCH: Neville vs. Austin Aries – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match
The King of the Cruiserweights against the annoying faux-announcer. The set up for this hasn’t been long, but it doesn’t really need to be – its interesting enough, and Neville’s new character has been fascinating to watch come together.
Prediction: Neville to keep his title.
MATCH: Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin – Intercontinental Championship Match
While The Miz did a lot to elevate this title, Ambrose has sort of let things rest a little. I’m not as invested as I was a few months ago, which is a shame, because on principle I really love Dean. Corbin is doing better work than he was before, but I’m not convinced.
Prediction: Dean to retain, because I’m still not quite sold on Corbin.
MATCH: Alexa Bliss vs. Naomi vs. Carmella (with James Ellsworth) vs. Natalya vs. Becky Lynch vs. Mickie James – SmackDown Women’s Championship Match
The traditional ‘I’m not sure, let’s just throw in all the women’ match. I hate that it’s become a new tradition, but that’s where we are. At least it’s on the main show now! Now, Naomi was champion until she had to give it up due to injury, and it’s her home town – let’s hope for a success story, here!
Prediction: Naomi to win.
MATCH: Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus – Raw Tag Team Championship – Triple Threat Ladder Match
So, the newly crowned tag team champs are having to put their titles on the line, with Cesaro and Sheamus looking to win their gold back, and Enzo and Cass looking for theirs. Honestly, I’m just terrified of how long the ramp looks, because Enzo and Cass are going to talk all the way down it, and frankly I’d rather listen to the music currently being blasted out of the nearby venue in this caravan park, which is at a volume that makes my liver throb in sympathy.
Prediction: Cesaro & Sheamus to win, because they’re the only ones I care about.
MATCH: Seth Rollins vs. Triple H – Non-Sanctioned Match
This has been a weird one, becasue it was meant to happen last year, but Seth fucked his knee so we got Roman vs. Triple H instead, for the title. Now, Seth is going to fight the man who made him who he was, but he re-injured his knee, and was out again for a bit. As he’s not cleared by doctors, this match is non-sanctioned, and Seth signed that he can’t sue for any injury that occurs. Should be fun!
Prediction: Seth to win.
MATCH: Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
I’ve never been quite sure why I should care about this, but I’m trying to give this match the benefit of the doubt. AJ is angry that he didn’t have a WrestleMania match and took that anger out on Shane, so Shane is going to face him now. Shane will do something death-defying, AJ will show us that he’s Phenomenal.
Prediction: AJ will win, because surely he will, right?
MATCH: The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
An interesting one this, sparked by Roman eliminating the Phenom at the Royal Rumble, and this will be the match that could have the biggest ramifications in terms of careers – that is, it might the end of Taker’s. Roman could be the one set to retire the dead man, and that would surely spark some… interesting reactions from the crowd. Expect this one to be hard-fought, and maybe even bloody.
Prediction: Roman to retire Taker.
MATCH: John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse
It’s the first time Maryse has wrestled in years, and Miz and Cena have been at each other’s throats about a whole variety of things. I don’t love how sexist some aspects of this feud had been, but I love the idea of seeing Maryse back in action given how much I love the It Couple. Given how much Maryse has been leaning on ‘John will never marry you’, but Cena has been getting the upper hand in promos, I think I know where this is going.
Prediction: Maryse to pin Nikki; but Cena proposes after.
MATCH: Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax – Raw Women’s Championship Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match
The Raw women’s title has spent a lot of time being passed around as of late, although mainly between Sasha and Charlotte. Now that Bayley has it, she’s going to want to keep it, but the question is whether Sasha will betray her for the title, or if WWE will take the more interesting route, and have Bayley be the one to eliminate her friend. Either way, should be a hell of a match, and Nia thrown into the mix means we’re bound to see some good spots.
Prediction: Bayley to keep her title. For now.
MATCH: Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens – United States Championship Match
Ah, the convenient partnership turned best friends turned mortal enemies again. After Jericho made it so that Kevin lost the Cursed Flesh Belt, Kevin got mad, and the best way to get mad is to get even. So Kevin’s out for his ex-bestie’s title, and is probably willing to gently murder him for it.
Prediction: Jericho to retain through trickery and skullduggery.
MATCH: Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton – WWE Championship Match
For all I hate Randy Orton, I’ve been really invested in this storyline. Randy ‘joined’ the Wyatt Family only to try to hit them where it hurt the most, and Bray claimed that he didn’t really care because Bray only made him stronger. For all that Bray is the heel in the feud (even when Randy is desecrating a dead holy woman and burning down people’s houses), I feel like it’s still his time to shine.
Prediction: Bray to take down the Viper.
MATCH: Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar – Universal Championship Match
If it goes longer than two minutes, we rip the shit out of the stadium and eat the chairs in surprise. I don’t give a fuck who wins this, I could not care less about Brick Lobster or the old man in the ring who has barely wrestled. The only way this can be saved is if a healed Finn Balor shows up, beats the shit out of both of them, and leaves with the title.
Prediction: Finn to make the whole thing more interesting.