GAYWATCH: Late March ’17

It’s that time again, my kayfabulous kittens, and while we’re overdue thanks to those delightful BritWres boys, I thought we’d catch up on the last couple of weeks. A drought of delectable gentleman is never a good thing now, is it? And while those pretty English boys might slake our lust for a week or two, there’s something nice about going back to a well-used toy, darlings. And so here we are again, back in bed with WWE and wishing we’d had less to drink last night, trying to slip out of the door without waking them up and making us give them our number!


Well, I don’t know how big Tom Phillips’ bed is, but if JBL is in it, I don’t think we’ll be going near it, will we lovelies! Tom may have poor choices in bedfellows, but the rest of the rosters can’t be making such poor decisions now, can they?

agressively strips

Ah. Well, Sethie is the queen of bad decisions, and stripping off aggressively to try to impress Triple H is just another one of those bad decisions he’s so good at making. Then again, he’s so pretty that you almost couldn’t blame hunter for letting him kneel at his feet and apologise, can you? I mean, darlings, wouldn’t he look good, all contrite and cowed? I’m all a-quiver just thinking about it!

choke me daddy

Seems like Roman’s been having a little dalliance with our resident Undertaker. Roman Reigns, so hot that he can get a dead man to come for him – although with Taker’s hand on his throat, it looks a little more like Roman will be the one coming for the older man. But we’ve always known Roman has a thing for a little pain, haven’t we? It’s not surprising he goes down easy for someone with as much presence as Taker, sweetlings – wouldn’t we all love a chance to go down on that?

corey points

Corey Graves wants us to know about something just out of shot of him that makes him make a very, very intense face. Is it your new beau, Corey? Is it something you want to put in your mouth?

austin's package

Oh! It’s Austin Aries’ pacakage – so yes to both questions there! Michael Cole appears top be choking, which isn’t something you want to do on anyone’s package, darlings – unless you’re both into that sort of thing, of course. Austin looks like he wouldn’t be opposed to a little theatrical gagging for show, as you stare up at him wide-eyed and tell him it’s the biggest you’ve ever seen, Corey. Better practice your ‘sincere’ face, babes.

old men

It’s not attractive, it’s not pretty, it’s certainly not athletic, but I’m pretty sure the hate sex Brock Lesnar and Goldberg are having is both intense and vicious, and while I’m not sure I want two watch the wrestling equivalent of two silverback gorillas mating, I wish them all the best with it. There truly is someone for everyone, ducks!

cute date

Speaking of, Sheamus and Cesaro had a coffee date the other week, where our mohawked wonder walked out with his damn fine boyfriend and some damn fine coffee. They were an unlikely pair, a very rough start, but they seem to have settled into a loving relationship, and we here Rasslin Rehash are all very happy for them. Keep on, you crazy diamonds.


In relationships not going so well, Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho are indeed over, and there seems to be no taping back what fell apart after the Festival of Friendship. Well, how was Kevin supposed to take Chris pretending they were just friends, and not lovers? Good for you, Kev, I’m sure there’s hundreds of people out there just waiting to jump on your dick.

sami diving for dick

And there’s one now! Sami, darling, have a little class and wait for the man’s boyfriend to be gone five minutes before you – actually, wait, he’s an old boyfriend, the rules don’t apply. Go on, Sami. Have some of what Kevin’s got to offer. You deserve it.


Rich Swann has been quite the boy about town lately, with Japanese hottie Akira Tozawa all over him in the ring, draping himself over Rich for a public display of affection that some might say pushed the borders of taste. Then again, this is WWE, so taste has always been an afterthought.

dancing queens

Not content with Tozawa, Rich was also seen co-ordinating moves with Jack Gallagher! Makes you wonder what else they can do at the same time, doesn’t it, my lovelies? Goodness. What a thought.

fucking face

Well, goodness me, TJ, look a little more excited to have the gorgeous Shinsuke pounding into you, clearly giving it his all like that! There’s just no pleasing some people, I suppose, although Shinsuke seems to be trying his hardest. Maybe TJ just isn’t a screamer, darling. Try not to take it too personally.

aj sorry

On the blue brand, so-called ‘soccer mom’ AJ Styles has been causing trouble for SmackDown daddy, Daniel Bryan. And he’s refusing to apologise, too! Sweetheart, it’s almost like you want to be punished!

fire me

No, darling, he’s going to spank you, because that’s what a good daddy dom does when his naughty boy won’t behave, and embarrasses you in front of other people. What do you say to THAT?

it feels good

Some people just don’t respond to punishment, I guess! Don’t feel bad, Daniel – try praise instead. Well, that’s it for this session, my precious ones, so time to work those kinks out and stretch, loosen those bonds and maybe take a cold shower. We’ll see you soon, darlings, and until then? Keep it kayfabulous.

(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions herein are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)

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