raw · Rehash

Rehash: Raw March 13th ’17 – Detroit, Michigan

Hello friends.  It’s Sora.  Steph has asked me to fill in for them this week and I figured I should watch RAW and become familiar with who these fuckers are before Mania.  Tonight we see if I can watch/recap RAW, chat on discord, and read some Yuuri on Ice fic.  

Alright here we go.

This is a startlingly emotional SuperCard commercial.  Um.

Flashback to Fastlane.  Ugh.  I bet that recap is gonna be longer than the Goldberg/KO match.  Ugh.  There’s a flashback to last monday where Goldberg says things yada yada, Brock comes out, yada yada whoooo caaaares.  Even Heyman can’t hype this face off between two masses of white flesh.  

  • Ugh don’t want to think about Goldberg submitting to Lesnar, thanks.
  • At least with how Goldberg’s last two matches have gone, this match should only last about two minutes at Mania.    
  • We may be on the road to WrestleMania, but god help me I will turn this car around.
  • Lesnar comes out, bouncing.
  • There’s some guy named Matt in the stands.  
  • I don’t know what the audience wants and I don’t think they do either.  There’s a mixture of Suplex City chants, Goldberg chants, and murmuring.
  • Heyman’s on his knees.  Talking about the like one minute opening segment from last week that we literally just saw a minute ago.  Paul Heyman is clairvoyant but can only see into Brock Lesnar’s future. It’s a shitty superpower.  
  • There’s Goldberg chants and Goldberg is not here cause I mean, he’s only the fucking Universal Champion whatever.  It’s not like KO was here every week and doing all the house shows and just working his ass off making the only worthwhile feud at Wrestlemania.  
  • Heyman sure likes making lists of three, doesn’t he.  He also likes talking about Goldberg going down a lot.  This isn’t the sex I want in my head for the next three hours.  There’s a lot of resurrection talk.  I mean, like I know all about like the separation of reality and letting yourself get lost in the story, but at the end of the day it’s wrestling with a pair of fuckers I don’t care about.

There’s a Stephanie and what’s-his-face…Mick Foley segment.  Do they hate each other?  Are they nice to each other?  I can’t tell anymore.  Stephanie is blaming herself for Mick Foley’s fallings.  She challenges Mick Foley to fire someone on the RAW roster.  Stephanie is right about the whole ‘trimming the fat’ thing, and I hope Foley goes through with it rather than saying Stephanie is a heartless cow or whatever insults they’re allowed to throw at each other.  

WrestleMania’s tagline is the ‘Ultimate Thrill Ride.’  If I had a dime for all the times I was offered that before.

We’re back with a match between Dana and Sasha, with Charlotte and Bayley on ringside.  

We’re told earlier that Charlotte told Dana to stop Sasha from making it to WrestleMania.  I mean, we could’ve been shown that segment, but no time in the three hour show I guess. 

Sasha gets the pin on Dana with a little pulling on the tights there.  I think that match lasted like three minutes televised.

After the match, Charlotte is in the ring with Dana, yelling at her about what a disgrace she is.  Charlotte yells until Dana turns around and attacks Charlotte, throwing her in and out of the ring throwing punches everywhere.  Dana yelling at Charlotte to get back in the ring and the crowd is fully on her side.  Dana chants fill the arena while Charlotte walks off, frazzled.  We hear the rare Dana theme, and, frankly, it’s been so long since I’ve heard something so beautiful.

Now we’re talking about the warrior award.  This years recipient being Eric LeGrand, a football player who was paralyzed from the neck down during a game.  He was told he wasn’t going to be able to move after the accident, but has regained feeling and movement in his upper body, and by the looks of it he may be able to walk again.  He’s now an inspirational speaker.

At some point tonight, a match between Sami Zayn, Jericho vs Samoa Joe, KO.  And also Roman and Undertaker are gonna fight over the dog yard, I’m assuming by pissing everywhere (*leers at Steph*).  

Here come the cruiserweights!  I love TJ’s music, and coming out as well is Akira Tozawa, my best friend.  Here comes Brian Kendrick, wearing my aesthetic, and his tag partner, Tony Nese.  

  • There’s no Austin Aries on commentary this week, with Byron back, who calls them all young stallions.  
  • Brian goes after Tozawa.
  • Tozawa does a weird caw thing that the audience responds to in full.  Okay.
  • There’s a shot of Neville standing there watching them.  Half naked and dripping with the title over his shoulder, hair wet…
  • Anyway back to the action and so far just Nese and Kendrick beating up Tozawa.  I don’t know if Perkins has been tagged in yet.  
  • I’m not sure what Nese is doing but it was making Tozawa scream.  
  • Perkins has been tagged in and he is jumping and flying everywhere.  
  • Perkins goes for the pin, but Kendrick interferes.  
  • Nese goes to pin Perkins but a kick out.  
  • I think this is one of the longest Cruiserweight matches I’ve ever seen and hey the crowd’s getting pretty into it.  
  • Kendrick attempts to interfere but Tozawa stops him with a kick.
  • Nese manages to get the pin, giving the win to him and Kendrick, but Kendrick still on the floor nursing his wounds.  

There’s an interview with the Club.  Which one is which again?  They both look the same one just a little shorter than the other.  

Charly is so tiny next to them.  

My cat wants to play fetch, no Moxy not now.

KO’s theme is up and here comes the man himself.  ‘Former Universal Champion’ ouch that hurts to hear.  

After the break we see KO just standing in the ring by himself, and there’s a reminder that he’s gonna be fighting Jericho at Wrestlemania this year.  

  • A single spotlight shines down on KO and is this his new thing now?  Just monologues and soliloquies?  
  • I can’t believe Jericho and KO have been broken up for a month now.  There’s a video package playing the whole thing over again.  Nooo.  
  • Back to the present and KO is still in the ring, talking.  He confronts the audience’s anger, saying he pretended to be Jericho’s bff for months.  He also says that Jericho never believed they were friends.  That Jericho just wanted to be close to KO’s universe title.  
  • He claims that Jericho is mad, not that KO stabbed him in the back, but that KO did it first. 
  • KO says that he didn’t lose to Goldberg, that he lost to Jericho, referring to Jericho’s interference in the match, and that he will have his revenge at Wrestlemania. The only thing that will be left of Jericho are the tears of Jericho, ‘cry it out, mannnnn.’
  • KO ends with ‘who needs best friends when you’ve got a destroyer.
  • I forgot how much I love Samoa Joe’s theme.  
  • Samoa Joe and KO stand in the ring, menacingly.
  • Out bounces Sami, here to have a good time.  
  • “Sami Zayn is a glutton for punishment.” Alright Corey.
  • Compared to the bounciness of Sami, out saunters Chris Jericho, belt around his waist, scarf around his neck.
  • “Always use someone before they can use you.” Who hurt you Corey?
  • The crowd is chanting for Y2J.
  • We’re starting with Jericho and Joe.  Joe, like KO, is pretty fast and light for his size.
  • Jericho tries to pin but quickly a kick out from Joe.
  • Sami is tagged in and the Ole’s begin.
  • It’s sweet seeing Jericho golf clap for Sami.  I hope they become best friends and talk about how much KO has hurt them.
  • KO is tagged in and just stomps Sami.  He turns to look at Jericho and kicks him in the face.
  • KO tags Joe and right before Sami comes alive and starts giving them both punches to the face.
  • My stream stuttered for a second, and now Jericho is caught between Joe and KO.  There are now three refs in the ring.  They multiply like bunnies.
  • Jericho is down and the refs force Joe and KO out of the ring to look after Jericho.  The match is over.

Back to Stephanie and Foley, Foley looking to fire someone, and Stephanie suggests Sami. Why does Stephanie hate Sami so much?

Nia Jax comes in saying that she deserves to be part of the Women’s Championship match at wrestlemania.  Stephanie says that she’s right to be in the conversation, and gives her a match with Bayley, the Women’s Champion tonight.  

Mick Foley wanders the halls and runs into Jinder Mahal.  Mahal’s veins are bulging.  To calm down his veins, Foley gives him a match with Roman.  

The New Day are here, in there segment ‘New Day Talks’, with Big E in a tie, Xavier in a bowtie, and Kofi in a crop top.  They begin hoo-ing and I’m surprised the owls haven’t come and killed them all yet.

Big Show appears on the show and he is big.  Wow.  Is he real?

Kofi rolls by with ice cream.

This is all really a big ad for the Jetson’s/WWE crossover and I’m going back to my fic.  

Titus is here and for a sec I didn’t think he was wearing clothing.  He’s mad he didn’t get to star in the Jetson’s movie.  

Back from break and here come Enzo and Big Cass.  

  • Enzo does the thing then Cass does the thing yada yada yada, you can’t teach that.  I, I don’t know what they’re talking about, something about coffee. They’re promoting they’re new mugs that have Cuppa Haters on them.
  • Enzo says Cesaro and Sheamus aren’t men, followed by Big Cass saying he and Enzo are Cinderella.  There’s a bunch of March Madness references.  
  • By this point I turned to my cat and said there’s only one way to describe you, kitty cat, SAWFT.
  • Sheamus and Cesaro do their entrance thing and they both light up like a trench fish looking for prey.  
  • Anderson and Gallows are shown watching the match from backstage, and I have to pee.  
  • We’re back from break to see Cesaro and Enzo in the ring.  
  • Another shot of The Club backstage pointing and shaking their head.  
  • Is Enzo’s only wrestling move just reaching for Cass?  Sorry that was really smarky of me.
  • Enzo runs for the tag but is pulled back by Cesaro.
  • He manages to get the tag and here is Big Cass being big and doing big things.  Cause it seems like all his moves have the word big in them.
  • Sheamus is tagged in and wow does he look pale next to literally all the other white guys in the ring.  
  • Anderson and Gallows are here for some reason and they attack Cass and Sheamus.
  • The bell is rung, the match over due to the interference, but they continue to beat up Sheamus outside the ring.  Cesaro comes to save him, but only gets the attention of The Club on him.

There’s a lot of bald men in the ring right now.

The Club flash a “too sweet” to the crowd and touch fingers in a beautiful homoerotic display, standing tall over the spent body of Cesaro.  

The Club are seen walking around the halls and run into Mick Foley and Mick says the tag team champion match is gonna be a triple tag team match at WrestleMania.

Jinder Mahal’s in the ring and out comes Roman Reigns to join him.  I guess Roman and Undertaker are officially fighting at WrestleMania.  Oh Roman did eliminate Undertaker at Royal Rumble, that’s something to go off of.  

  • In the middle of exchanging blows with Mahal, the Undertaker’s gong goes off, but only once, just enough to distract Roman while Jinder Mahal attacks him from behind.  
  • Michael, banging a single gong isn’t ‘psychological warfare’
  • The crowd begins dueling ‘Let’s go Roman’ ‘Roman sucks.’ chants.  
  • Roman gets the pin on Mahal and is anyone surprised.  
  • Roman gets handed a mic and the real battle begins.  He challenges Undertaker to come out to the ring ‘like a man,’ and then cut to commercial?  A bit of an odd choice there.
  • The Undertaker doesn’t come out but uhh what’s his face…Shawn Michaels comes out instead.  
  • I’m having a weird out of body experience hearing that Sexy Boy theme and seeing old man Michaels come out.  
  • Every women over fifty in the audience is flipping their shit I’m happy for them.  Oh god is this me with Roman in twenty years.  
  • Roman can’t even be mad, but he can disappoint the audience when he says he wants Undertaker.  Shawn says he’s here to tell Roman he’s distracted and unfocused.  He says Undertaker’s gonna eat Roman, probably thinking about the times Taker would eat him out.  
  • Roman says it’s not true.  
  • I still don’t really know why this is happening.  
  • HBK acknowledges that Roman is a dog and that he’s pissed on the ring, marking it as his. 
  • God stop calling Roman the big dog, I’ve read too much ABO fic for this.
  • HBK says he’s on Roman’s side, but Roman rejects the advice, saying the Undertaker retired HBK. Oooooooh.  OOOH and Roman says he’s gonna retire Undertaker wow.  
  • On that confident note, Roman leaves HBK alone in the ring.  

Oh and Braun Strowman came out and tackled Roman.  The crowd chants ‘Thank you Strowman’ really guys?  Booing Roman is so 2016.

Back to Stephanie and Mick Foley.  Mick doesn’t want to fire someone but he has to because Stephanie says so and it’s a business and she’s your fucking boss just do it.  

“You have one hour to make this decision” Christ there’s still another hour left.

I think this ends with Stephanie firing Mick Foley.  

More cruiserweights, here’s Austin Aries wearing a faux fur coat that I’m sure he stole out of Brian Kendrick’s luggage.

  • He’s fighting Ariya Davari.
  • The two shake hands and Aeries is bouncing everywhere like an overactive puppy.
  • Had to take a break to hold my cat who was screaming at me.
  • Davari attempts to pluck out Aries’ eyes.  Wow the cruiserweights are more intense than I thought.
  • Does Davari call himself the Persian Lion?  
  • Aries gets the pin.

All I’ve seen Neville do today is stare menacingly at a TV and he’s perfect and I love him.  

Ah a promo for the new Emma.  What.  Ever.  

Here comes a Big Show.  He’s gonna be in the Andre the Giant Battle Royale and I think he’ll win.  He’s been pushed recently soo.

He’s fighting Titus over something I don’t know, that segment was a while ago, just scroll up.  

Titus was winning but a chokeslam stopped that quickly.  Another chokeslam to Titus and another and the pin, Big Show wins.  

Segment with Bayley and Sasha before Bayley’s match with Nia.  They’re both so bright and colorful I love them.  Sasha gives her a bit of a pep talk and they shake hands.

My cat left me 😦

There’s an interview with Jericho, he’s gonna get the revenge of Jericho “pay him back, maaan.”  He promises us to show the Real Kevin Owens on a special highlight real next week.  He’s gonna show us their homemade porn.  

I love all the happy little girls when Bayley’s theme comes on.  There’s also a shot of a little boy imitating the inflatable balloon men.  

  • In contrast, Nia’s darker theme plays with Nia looking beautiful and dangerous as always.  
  • Nia sends blows to Bayley.
  • Bayley manages to worm out of a Samoan drop.  
  • Bayley tries to go for the guillotine, but Nia just throws her away.  
  • Trapping her in a corner, Nia hits and kicks, going past the ref’s warnings, getting disqualified for the match.  
  • But that doesn’t stop her and Nia continues to go after her, pulling her hair and throwing her into the barricade.  Nia walks off, leaving Bayley on the ground.  

I thought we were done but Stephanie is out in the ring, explaining how she told Mick to fire someone.  The crowd chants for CM Punk, and by crowd I mean drunk men.  

  • Mick comes out to say who he fired, man I wish this was how all businesses worked.  
  • Ugh if he fires Stephanie I’m gonna scream that’d be awful.
  • He thanks Stephanie for the opportunity.
  • UGH OF FUCKING COURSE IT’S STEPHANIE.  Ugh how annoying.  
  • My stream’s stuttering and I don’t have the heart to care.
  • UGHHH they way they treat Stephanie ugh.  
  • Shut up Mick.  

And here comes Triple H.  All the old men are out and about aren’t they.

  • “No one can find me and yet I’m everywhere” Calm down Hunter, you’re just a businessman.  
  • “Stephanie has a big heart….and a big dick.  Seriously, you should see her strap on collection.”
  • Mick Foley’s missing an ear?  Mick Foley gave up an ear for WWE wow.
  • “Get the hell out of my ring.” First of all, Hunter, it’s Stephanie’s ring, thanks.
  • What.  What is that on Foley’s hand?  Is that a sock?  Where was he hiding a sock?  Why did that take Triple H down in a second?  
  • Triple H rolling up his sleeves but out comes Seth Rollins?
  • What?  
  • Uh he’s out with a crutch, coming down to the ring in jeans and a Black and Brave jacket.  
  • He’s just staring down HHH and HHH looks ready to break his other knee.
  • Okay I am sick of the whole ‘comes down wobbling with a crutch but PSYCH doesn’t need it!’ thing like come on guys.  
  • Rollins beats up HHH and points to the wrestlemania sign so I guess this is happening.  
  • Look at Seth go.  
  • Look at HHH, having fun.
  • Look at HHH…start to strip?  Um.
  • Look at HHH’s abs holy shit.  
  • There are four refs in the ring, Ah ha ha ha, four!

Seth Rollings rolls around the ring in pain and that is where we leave RAW for tonight.  


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