Welcome one and all to Fastlane, the PPV pay-per-view we get before WrestleMania, so everyone take those standards and adjust them! I’m grumpy, because my internet is going up and down like a tape of Neville played on fast-forward and then rewind.
We’re greeted by the kick-off panel underneath the WrestleMania sign – Renee Young, Booker T, and Some Bloke. I missed his name tag, so I don’t give a fuck. Charly Caruso is in the social media lounge, and Booker T asks about Dirty Tom before anyone can stop him. Then my internet cuts out, because my internet would like to let you know that it fucking hates wrestling. Twitter lets me know that Some Bloke is Peter Rosenberg of ESPN. Hi Peter!
My internet decided to fluctuate during the pre-show, so I’m getting even spottier coverage than if Jerry Lawler was here.
Jinder Mahal, Rusev & Lana are talking about a best of seven series, and they leave Stephanie McMahon on hold. Sheamus and Cesaro talk, but I can’t see any of that, because my internet hates me.
Charly Caruso is talking to Samoa Joe, who is dismissive of ‘media commitments’. The first question is why he sided with Triple H, and Joe says that Trips gave him an opportunity, and he took it, and he doesn’t know why everyones angry about him succeeding. The next question is how he’s going to destroy Sami, and Joe says he’s going to punish Sami until he breaks. Mate, you need to respect safewords.
We get a throwback to Monday’s Raw, which I didn’t watch because the Mick Foley shit disgusted me. So I get to see the Seth bit where he says he doesn’t think the docs will clear him, and then Triple H comes out and Seth loses his shit and growls down the mic. Fuck, just when I think I’ve lost my love for him, he drags me back in.
We get a video package about Charlotte and Bayley, and Charlotte’s 16 PPV streak, and I just really want Bayley to keep that title. I really want her to keep that title. Please?
KICKOFF MATCH: Brian Kendrick & Noam Dar vs. Akira Tozawa & Rich Swann
We see Noam backstage promising Alicia that he’ll have something for them to celebrate, and Noam says he’ll do whatever Brian wants – but when Brian says he hopes no one melts down, Alicia takes offense at this. Noam seems to suggest they’ll have a threesome once they win. Brian Kendrick says he doesn’t do ‘crazy’. You should, Brian, Noam’s probably a fucking freak in bed.
- We start off with Kendrick and Tozawa in the ring, but Kendrick tags Dar straight back in, Tozawa looking shocked. Collar-and-elbow tie, driving Dar back against the ropes, Tozawa bellowing at him and startling him.
- Rebound off the topes from Dar, Kendrick tags in, Tozawa lifted by both o them and Rich Swann catching him. They scream together, and go for dual suicide dives, but Dar and Kendrick hide behind Alicia as we got for commercials.
- Back, Kendrick pins Tozawa for two, blows to the back, stomps to Tozawa. Suplex from Kendrick, cover for two again. Side headlock from Tozawa, he gets some room, comes off the ropes into a kick. Headscissors from Tozawa, Dar and Swann tagged in. Cheap shop to Kendrick, clothesline and double stomp to Dar, followed by a splash, pin for two.
- Swann manages to get Kendrick off him AND pin Dar for two, but his attention on Kendrick, Dar kicks him off the apron, then bounces him off the post as Alicia does a little dance for her boy. Back in the ring, Dar with a wristlock on Swann, then a cover for two. More working of the wrist by Dar. He sends him to the turnbuckles, and tags in Kendrick.
- Spot with Kendrick with his boot on Swann’s neck where the camera closes in on him struggling to breathe. Kendrick goes for The Captain’s Hook, fails, cover for two. Dar tagged in, double underhook to Swann, pin for two. “Am I the only one who thinks Noam Dar looks like a blind guy if you snatched his sunglasses off?” “Yes, Austin.” Wow. Really?
- Kendrick with a sunset flip on Tozawa, senton from Tozawa, pin for two. Tozawa sends Dar flying out of the ring, then Swann sends Kendrick, and Tozawa and Swann take a dive each. Shining wizard from Tozawa to Dar, Kendrick smacking into Tozawa, and Swann taking out Kendrick.
- Swann off the top rope, Dar counters to a roll up, pin for two. Kick from Swann, to Dar and Kendrick, snap German suplex from Tozawa to Kendrick, and the two of them roll out. Rich Swann comes in with a phoenix splash and pins Dar – for three!
Okay, that throat spot was a bit much for me, sorry! We’re into the show proper now, so fewer breaks and more writing! I’ve taken a small tramadol overdose to get going!
MATCH: Sami Zayn vs. Samoa Joe
We’re starting off with SPEED, with wondwerful gingerbread sunshine Sami Zayn here first. I love him so much, he always looks so happy to be there, and he’s just perfect. Sami hasn’t had a PPV haircut, so his hair is perfect, and he makes disgusted faces as Joe comes down to the ring.
- Started with Sami dodging blow and a kick, Joe looking like a scary doll as he sneers at Sami. Sami goes for the lock up, and Joe kicks him in the back of the leg. Sami hops to the corner. He stretched his toe out, and limps back, locking up again.
- Sami with a go-behind, Joe doesn’t let him, Sami coming off the ropes with a clothesline that has no effect on Sami, kick to the chest. Kneebar from Joe, Sami makes it to the ropes. Jabs from Joe, Sami cringing away.
- Leapfrog and a deep arm drag from Sami, Joe blocking, missing with a clothesline, headscissors from Sami. The two trade jabs again, forcing Joe into the corner, but Joe reverses it. Huge blow from Joe, slamming Sami to the floor, follows it up with kicks, Sami almost unable to stand.
- Sami whipped into the corner, two punches and an enzuigiri, Sami sent to the floor. The floor starts to chant for Joe. Joe drags him up by the hair just to punch him back down again. Blows to the cut from Sami, waist-lock from Joe. Roles Sami over into a bow-and-arrow hold, hand on Sami’s throat. Sami gets free. Joe with more straight blows.
- Chop to Sami’s chest, Sami firing back with blows to Joe’s head, but Joe rolls into Sami’s knees and sends Sami face-first into the mat. Pin for two. Stretching out the arms of Sami, Joe holds him in the middle of the ring, desperately struggling to get to his feet. Sami somersaults through it, making Joe break his hold!
- Sami hits Joe with a clothesline, tries for Blue Thunder Bomb, Joe fights away, but Sami hits it! Cover for two! Sami goes high, Joe in with a headbutt, climbing with him. Sami pushes him down, comes off the ropes but Joe lets him past. Inverted atomic drop from Joe, then a senton – pin for two.
- Joe lifts Sami by the chin, powerslam, cover for two, Sami just managing to kick out. Sami is crawling across the mat, Joe’s lip is split as he snarls at Sami. Jabs to Sami again, and Joe goes to come off the ropes at Sami, but Sami falls face-first to the canvas. When Joe comes to investigate, Sami rolls him up – pin for two. Kicks to the face of Joe, he’s down, Sami goes up high, but Joe is already up.
- Joe looks like he’s going for a musclebuster, but he hits an enzuigiri on Sami, stunning him on the top rope. Sami tries to block, blows to Joe’s back as Joe goes for the superplex. Sami with a sunset flip, but Joe holds on, he manages to drag Joe so he hits his head on the turnbuckle. Sami in the corner, goes for the Helluva Kick, but Joe catches him with a slam, and then it’s the Coquina Clutch – and goodnight Sami.
Joe prowls above his body, Sami lying limp in the ring, and says “I told you.” I don’t know if Joe’s interesting enough for me, although Sami certainly helped that. Joe stalks back up the ramp, and we see Sami holding his throat and rubbing it. Is this just a night of throat spots?
Charly Caruso is talking to Bayley, who is defending her championship for the first time. She says she’s not afraid of Charlotte, and then Nia turns up to say she’s going to break Sasha tonight, and if Charlotte doesn’t take the title – then she will.
MATCH: Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson – Raw Tag Team Championships Match
Enzo and Cass do the patter, and I tune out, because WWE made me hate them with the sexist Lana angle. But I also find Anderson and Gallows dull, so I’m just not that into this match. I miss stripping Cesaro and bioluminescent Sheamus.
- Cass and Anderson in first, big blows from Cass to Anderson, slamming his head off the turnbuckles. Early use of Enzo as a weapon, Gallows in to break it up, Gallows and Anderson both on the outside, so Enzo is thrown into him. Enzo brings Anderson back into the ring, ducking a cheap shot from Gallows and eating a kick from Anderson. Anderson takes Enzo down, hard blows to the face. Anderson holds up the ‘too sweet’ and tags in Gallows, who continues to club Enzo on the head, sending him flying.
- Pin for two, Enzo kicks out, Gallows gets Enzo back down to the mat, chinlock. Enzo is wriggling free, but he looks stunned, like a frightened chicken. Anderson tagged in, and the crowd start to chant for Enzo, but it’s a bit lacklustre. Anderson keeps dragging Enzo around, jumping knee to Enzo, pin for two. Chinlock back on, Enzo struggling to get out as the fans clap. Enzo rolls through and is nearly close enough to get to Cass, but Anderson rolls him away in a chinlock. Again, Enzo flops away, dodges a charge from Anderson, but Anderson grabs him by the leg from the outside. Enzuigiri from Enzo to Enzo, Gallows tries, but Enzo sends him into the ring post.
- Enzo dives across the ring, eats a huge mid-air kick from Enzo, and drags him away from Cass again, unloading stomps on the prone blond. Gallows tagged in, huge blows to Enzo’s midriff, eventually sending Enzo down to the ground. Forearm cover, Enzo kicks out.
- Anderson hits the second turnbuckle, and Enzo tags out, Cass in with a fallaway slam, then a stinger splash, before another fallaway slam and another splash, just driving Anderson down. Empire Elbow on Anderson, cheap big boot to Gallows, but he got caught and Anderson rolls him up for two. Big boot from Cass to Anderson, Bada Boom Shaka Laka, and Gallows breaks the pin!
- Cass and Gallows are outside the ring, brawling, Enzo throws himself onto Gallows, but gets a kick from Anderson as he goes to climb back in. He gets the pin, but Enzo gets his foot on the ropes. However, Gallows shoves it off the ropes, and Gallows and Anderson are still our tag team champs.
They celebrate by making their hands kiss, because that’s really manly, and Cass goes to recover what’s left of Enzo.
Mick is telling Stephanie that Fastlane is going really well, but Stephanie doesn’t want to hear it, she’s on the tarmac, her plane isn’t taking off, ‘we’re not going to make it tonight’. She says she’s staying on the phone for the whole show because she doesn’t trust Mick. Mick picks up the handset, and starts to talk to Steph about Samoa Joe, and then, somehow, he’s hung up on her. Oops. He doesn’t look like he’s going to phone her back.
MATCH: Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks
I like this feud, I think it’s got a lot to it, but Sasha’s knee and her crutch were used too much as, well, as a crutch. Nia looks amazing in black and blue, and Sasha’s in paint-splatter, and looks super colourful!
- First off, Nia lifts Sasha, Sasha coming back with huge blows, taking a headbutt that sends her stumbling. Blows to Nia in the corner, followed by dropkicks, but Nia whips her throat-first into the turnbuckle and then slams into her back. Backbreaker from Nia.
- Another backbreaker, bending Sasha over her knee. That sounded wrong. Sasha tries to get Nia to the mat, but Nia asks her who she thinks she is as she leans down into a casual pin over Sasha, who already looks battered. Kicks to Sasha’s back, then Nia bends her over the ropes, holding her by the hair.
- Nia taunts Sasha, kicking her, shoving her around as Sasha slaps ineffectually at Nia. She wrenches Sasha’s arms back, pain writ large on Sasha’s face, as she tries to struggle free. She kicks Nia twice in the head, but before she can even get up, Nia, throws her across the ring. Sasha lands awkwardly. Back into a submission, with Nia’s feet in Sasha’s back. Another lazy cover for two.
- Nia takes Sasha by the hair, and then it’s back to the arms, working the shoulders, just holding her in the centre of the ring. Sasha out, Nia straight into a slam, Sasha clinging to Nia’s leg with a pained face. She throws Sasha towards the turnbuckles, then tries to whip her out, but Sasha hangs on, so Nia just slams her head into the turnbuckle.
- Torture rack for Sasha, Nia doing squats with her in that position, that’s amazing! She just flops Sasha around a bit, holding her in that painful position, but as she goes to move her, Sasha spins, a front guillotine, Sasha clinging to Nia’s front. Nia lifts her, but Sasha ends up on her back, in perfect position for a sleeper.
- Nia gets Sasha down, and then end up in the corner, but Sasha gets some separation, hitting a DDT and getting Nia into the Banks Statement. Nia powers out, Sasha slammed hard onto the mat. Big leg drop from Nia, and she ragdolls Sasha around by the hair, Sasha looking limp.
- Nia goes to lift her again, but Sasha drops back, into a pin, rolling Nia up and bridging the cover – and that’s the win!
That didn’t look like that was meant to be the finish, and the roll up from Sasha was really slow, but that bridged cover was awesome, and I rather liked it, so I’ll accept that.
So, Rusev and Jinder want singles matches, and so they both come out for a match, and then just go for each other in the ring. The crowd is rightfully baffled, as Jinder bounces Rusev and his new haircut off the post. Knee to the face from Jinder, sending Rusev over the barricades. Cesaro is here!
MATCH: Jinder Mahal vs. Cesaro
- Jinder and Cesaro both raise their hands, collar-and-elbow tie to start with, wristlock from Cesaro, Mahal working the injured shoulder of Cesaro, lifting him high, but Cesaro gets him away. Blows from Mahal, sending Cesaro into the corner. Blows to the back as Cesaro is bounced off the ropes, but he comes back with an uppercut and cover for two.
- Jumping stomp from Cesaro to Mahal’s chest, lifts him for a gut-wrench suplex, cover for two. Mahal goes to leapfrog Cesaro, but he lifts him into a backbreaker, pin for two, but Cesaro is holding his lower back, like he’s hurt himself.
- Into the corner, Cesaro goes to lift Mahal over the ropes, but he holds his back. Mahal gets him caught on the ropes, and hits a dropkick to the lower back, then knees to the head and shoulder, before a knee to the throat. Mahal gets Cesaro’s head over the ropes and hooks a leg over to keep him there. Cover for two.
- Knees to Cesaro’s back, pulling him back by the chin, Cesaro powering out, running knee from Mahal, another pin for two. Dropkick from Mahal, another pin for two. Once more, Mahal gets Cesaro caught up over the ropes, tries to slam his head into the turnbuckles, but Cesaro gets his foot up. He tries to lift Mahal, but doesn’t manage it.
- Kicks and knees to Cesaro in the corner, crowd seem to be trying to chant ‘boring’, which is unfair. Cesaro lifts Mahal into a vertical suplex, and we see the pain on his face afterwards, Mahal up first, but Cesaro makes sure he eats some uppercuts, driving him back into the corner.
- Whips Mahal into the corner, running uppercuts, but Mahal reverses another whip, Cesaro leapfrogging, drop toehold into the second rope. Swiss-1-9, then a cross-body from the top rope, and a pin for two. The crowd is dead during this, because we weren’t expecting this match, but that’s very unfair, because it’s not bad.
- Cesaro goes for the swing, Mahal holding the ropes. Cesaro hits a huge uppercut as Rusev stirring distracts Mahal, and Cesaro gets the pin!
It’s a shame the crowd didn’t go for that, but it took them a bit by surprise, I guess. Rusev gets into the ring and sees Mahal, slamming him into the ring post, powering blows onto him.
MATCH: The Big Show vs. Rusev
- The crowd actually seem excited for this, chanting USA as Big Show smacks Rusev around. It’s interesting to note that Big Show gets a better reaction these days. He used to be considered ultimate boring. Chop to the throat from Big Show, Rusev rolls out for space, but Big Show shoves him into the barricade.
- Back in the ring, more blows to Big Show, standing on Rusev’s back as Rusev’s pressed onto the ropes. He pulls Rusev up for a headbutt, and Rusev tries to crawl away. Rusev whipped into the corner, splash from Big Show. Another throat spot, Rusev wheezing as his neck is shoved into the ropes. Big Show with a cover for two.
- Massive kick from Big Show, Rusev caught back up on the ropes, he fights back with blows to Big Show’s knees, coming off the ropes with a clothesline that does nothing, then another, before Big Show fires back with two of his own, knocking Rusev clean off his feet. Into the corner, Rusev takes Big Show out at the knees, and he goes down hard, clutching his knee.
- Rusev with a cover on Big Show, pin for two. Rusev with an elbow drop to the gut, before he works the injured knee a little more, and the USA chant rises to get Show back up on his feet. He rolls it over, smacking Rusev across the nose with his leg. Big Show picks Rusev up for a side slam, pin for two.
- Rusev rolls out of the ring for space, Big Show grabbing and pulling him up to the apron, before blows to the throat from Rusev. Show catches Rusev for a chokeslam, but Rusev catches him in the knee and two big kicks to the side of the face. The crowd chant ‘this is awesome’ and I’m not sure why? Is this better than the last match? Rusev hits another big kick, and pins Big Show for two.
- Rusev does his big crush thing, and softens up Big Show’s back with boots before going for the Accolade, but Show fights out and hits the chokeslam. Singlet straps down, he pulls Rusev back up for another chokeslam. He drags Rusev into the corner, and sets up for the K.O Punch, kissing his fist before slamming Rusev in the head with it, and pinning for three.
Weird couple of matches there. No one cared about the first, but they did the second, even though fan fave Cesaro was in the first match. Huh. Go figure, I guess.
Kevin is here talking to Charly, and he wants to know who Goldberg has beaten other than Lesnar, and the answer is nobody, he’s not beaten anyone else in a decade. Oh, Kevin, I love you in a suit. He says he’s going to outsmart and outwrestle Goldberg, and beat him, because he doesn’t care who it is. He’s going to keep that title.
MATCH: Jack Gallagher vs. Neville – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match
Jack looks perfect and wonderful as usual, with his umbrella, William, and then Neville glowers his way out and I can’t pick, I just love both of them. Jack offers the hand, and Neville sneers at him.
- Jack keeps some distance first, and the chants are for Jack, Neville pauses to sneer at them. Waist lock from Neville, shoving Jack to the ropes, but he stops and looks unimpressed. The two circle, dukes up, but Jack is straight between the legs and grabbing at Neville’s knee. Wristlock from Jack, Neville shoving him up against the ropes.
- Jack back in with a wristlock, Neville rolling through, and Jack whipped into the corner and into his turnbuckle shoulderstands, waving his legs at Neville every time he tries to approach, finally kicking him down. Uppercuts and a side headlocks from Neville, before a shoulder tackle, driving Gallagher down. He comes back up into a dropkick, Neville sent nearly back to the ramp.
- Gallagher comes out, right hands, sends Gallagher into the barricades, before flinging him back into the ring, clutching the back of his head. Neville goes up high, menacing face as Jack gets up, missile dropkick and a cover for two.
- Neville stomps around on Gallagher, driving him into the corner with huge kicks to the chest, before a boot to the throat, the ref having to pull them apart. Jack with a kick to the mid-section, uppercuts to Neville, but Neville with a suplex, rolling Gallagher over. Shoulder to Gallagher in the corner, and a pin for two.
- Neville grandstands as Jack crawls on the mat, foot to the back of his head. He pulls Jack up by the hair, and locks in a Chinlock, bending Gallagher backwards, but he won’t tap, powering out with blows to the head. He dodges a blow and hits two huge dropkicks on Neville, who rolls out of the ring, and Gallagher comes through the second rope onto Neville!
- Rolling Neville back in, Jack eats a forearm in the corner, lifts Jack but he gets out. Jack gets Neville onto the top rope and – belly-to-back superplex? I literally gasped at that, heart in my mouth moment. Pin for two on Neville.
- Neville throws Jack to the ropes, and he gets caught up in them, landing hard on the apron, his elbow looks like it’s bleeding. Neville grandstands, then lifts him to go for a suplex, but Jack rolls him up for two instead. Neville drops Gallagher on his head off a suplex, comes off with a phoenix splash from the top rope, and pin for two.
- Jack struggles to his feet, Neville coming in with kicks to the jaw, Jack almost unable to stand, and every time he does, Neville kicks him away. Neville comes off the ropes, Jack catches him and headbutts him twice, massive headbutts that make me flinch. Off the second, he falls onto Neville’s body – pin for two! This is amazing.
- Neville in the corner, Jack runs towards him, hits the turnbuckle in a spin, diving away. Neville get shim up high as the crowd chants ‘this is awesome’ as Neville tries to take Gallagher up for a superplex. Another massive headbutt from Gallagher to Neville on the top rope, and Jack climbs up, dragging Neville up by the beard, and goes for a superplex, but Neville comes back, dumping him, on the floor! Red Arrow from Neville – and that’s the win!
Neville stalks away with his title, and Jack sits in the ring, bleeding, bruised, and battered. Boys, that was a fucking hell of a show. Absolutely incredible. I was blown away by that. Well bloody done.
The New Day are here, with an ice cream tricycle, and a big umbrella, and Francesca II Turbo. They basically make out with the ice cream tricycle. Tell me it has a name, boys, please tell me it has a name. Xavier says that the WWE universe made their voices heard, and Big E sings Randy Orton’s theme. They accuse Big E of being drunk. He pets Xavier’s hair a little. They say they’re going to ride the tricycle hard and put her away wet, and they cheer and cuddle the bike.
MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman
Roman comes out to the usual boos, and I love him, and I don’t care what anyone says – what the fuck are those shoes, Roman? Braun’s here, too.
- Roman sizes up his opponent, and they lock up, Roman being sent across the ring almost like he’s dancing like Shane McMahon there. He tries to keep some space, edging around Braun. The chants are predictable, ‘let’s go Roman’ from a mix of voices, and ‘Roman sucks’ from a thoroughly male-sounding crowd. Roman takes a blow to the mouth, and ends up outside the ring, Braun grinning and beckoning him back in.
- Roman to the apron, Roman manages to bounce Brauns’s neck off the ropes, elbow from Braun, big blows from Roman, clothesline taking Braun over the ropes, but he lands on his feet. He grabs Roman’s feet, and throws him towards the steps, Roman twisting to avoid hitting them Roman with a punch off the steps.
- Roman didges a charge, sending Strowman into the steps, they head back into the ring. Kick from Roman, followed by blows, Roman climbing up and hitting six blows to the head, but Braun just casually hits a spinebuster like it took no effort, pulls Braun up by the strap off his vest. He tosses him across the ring like he weighs nothing.
- Easy hip toss from Braun, before he gets a crumpled Roman by the shoulder, digging big fingers into the muscle. Roman can’t break Braun’s grip, but he pushes Braun’s hand away. Goes for a Samoan Drop, can’t lift Braun, and so Braun does the same to him, slamming Roman down into the mat. He lies flat, and a big splash from Strowman hits a pin for two.
- Rom pulled up again into a Chinlock, sweat dripping off Strowman onto Roman, Roman seeming to struggle with his ribs. Loooong rest hold, and then blows from Strowman as he locks it back on, and Roman’s eyes close, he seems to be going limp. Headlock now, Roman making a limp attempt to break the grip. He reaches up and grabs the beard of Braun, and manages to get some space, turning and standing, blows to the gut of Braun. Roman off the ropes with a flailing clothesline, then a second, Strowman not going down.
- Braun roars like Roman does, and catches Roman by the throat for a face-first slam onto the mat. He throws Roman through the second rope, and Strowman surveys him for a second, before coming out of the ring and onto the floor. Braun comes back with big blows, but a double axe-handle from Strowman sends him crumpling. Braun starts to take apart the Spanish announce table, goes to powerslam Roman through it, but Roman fights out. Goes for the drive-by, gets caught and sent into the post.
- Roman back into the ring, Strowman charges him, but Roman dodges and Braun’s shoulder hits the post. Roman piles onto him with punches, but the ref breaks it up. Roman with a clothesline in the corner, then another, and another, but Strowman just won’t stay down.
- Roman cocks his fist, and charges Strowman, who sidesteps, sending him into the turnbuckle, and a huge blow to the chest, up for a slam, and a cover for two. Roman is wheezing as Strowman slams into him. Braun goes for the corner, but Roman dodges, Strowman getting his leg caught on the top rope, and he tumbles over onto the floor. Roman crawls to his feet and leaves the ring, hits the drive-by this time. Roman roars, goes for the spear, but Braun catches him, and slams him through the Spanish announce table.
- Roman’s coughing and wheezing as Strowman limps to his feet, bringing Roman back into the ring as he rocks his knee a little, testing it. He gets back in, and Roman hits him with a spear, pin for two. Roman looks utterly baffled as to how this could have happened. He goes for another, Roman dodges a charge from Strowman, who hits the post. Superman Punch, Strowman still standing, a second Superman Punch, Strowman on the second rope.
- Roman dodges a couple of clotheslines, but gets hit hard by Strowman. Douchebros in the audience chant ‘thank you Strowman’. Braun goes to the top rope, and comes off with a HUGE splash, but Roman dodges. He roars for the crowd, hits a spear – and that’s it! Roman takes the win.
Roman looks like his elbow is bleeding, or maybe that’s an older wound, but he’s selling the fight pretty well, looks like he’s worked hard. Internet wrestling community is going to hate it, but that was a good match, and I enjoyed it.
Mick corners Joe and says he doesn’t want to see him at ringside during the main event. You mean the women aren’t the main event? He says if he does see Joe, there will be hell to pay. Taker moment?
MATCH: Charlotte vs. Bayley – Raw Women’s Championship Match
Charlotte out in a feathered robe, and we’re back in light blue and some small braids to keep hair out of her face. I always like it when they do something to keep their hair back, I can’t imagine wrestling with loose long hair. She sends Dana Brooke away. Huh. Bayley’s here in red and black, with some blue and pink thrown in there, and a shiny jacket.
- We start with some distance, Charlotte with a mocking grin, bouncing off the ropes and shouting a ‘woo’ to the crowd. Bayley points at the WrestleMania sign. Collar-and-elbow ties, Charlotte with hands in Bayley’s face. Charlotte keeps smiling, and rolls Bayley up for one.
- Waist lock from Charlotte, drop toehold, pin from one by Bayley. Side headlock, but shoulder tackles from Charlotte taking Bayley down with a hand to her ribs and shoulder. Shoulder tackle and a jack-knife cover from Bayley for one. Bayley working the arm, cradle, pin for one.
- Knee to the midsection from Charlotte, sent into the corner, lands on her feet on the apron, Bayley bounces her off the turnbuckle, and again, Bayley drops Charlotte on the apron and onto the floor, coming off with a headscissors to Charlotte, before throwing her back into the ring.
- Cross-body, pin for two on Charlotte. Bayley spins Charlotte, trying for the Bayley-to-belly, but Charlotte holds the ropes, sliding out. Bayley follows her out, running into a kick. Charlotte throws her back into the ring, pin for two. Blows to the face from Charlotte.
- “Get up and fight me,” Charlotte says, punching Bayley again, then just ragdolling her around in a headlock. Bayley fights out, comes off the second rope with a deep arm drag. Bayley hooked up on the ropes, Charlotte with knees sending Bayley to the floor, pin for two on Bayley.
- Charlotte with Bayley’s head between her knees, slamming Bayley’s head into the mat, locking it in, rolling over. Bayley waves her legs to no avail, until Charlotte rolls them over a couple of times, kipping up as Bayley slips free.
- Flair strut, knee to the back of the head, pin on Bayley for two. Huge chops from Charlotte, knocking Bayley down, Bayley comes back, but Charlotte hits a neckbreaker and then a huge boot to the head that knocks Bayley back against the turnbuckle. Charlotte drags Bayley onto the apron, bouncing her off it with huge elbows.
- Neckbreaker after neckbreaker from Charlotte, pin for two on Bayley. Charlotte rolls Bayley over and just walks over her, heading up to the top rope, beautiful moonsault, followed up with a senton, pinning Bayley for two and a half!
- Chops from Charlotte, dropping Bayley to the floor, Charlotte yelling that Bayley’s just a fan. Charlotte whips Bayley into the corner, and Bayley comes out flying, with a clothesline that takes Charlotte down, before big knees to Charlotte and chops as well.
- Bayley drops Charlotte onto the second rope, couple of shoulder tackles followed by a belly-to-back suplex and a pin for two! Charlotte whipped into the corner, she flips over, but Bayley gets her hung up there, beating her in the belly to keep her in position. Bayley goes for a leg drop, but misses, drags Charlotte into the middle and drops on her.
- Bayley to the top rope, Charlotte moves out of the way onto the apron, Bayley drags her up bu the hair, and they battle over the corner, Charlotte on the floor, Bayley having taken a blow from the turnbuckle. Charlotte goes high again, but Bayley smacks and elbows her back, pulling her into a hurricanrana from the top rope!
- She goes back up again, elbow off the top rope and a cover for two! Commentary respects this match by saying ‘he’ instead of ‘she’ about that pin. Charlotte rolls Bayley out of the ring, and when she comes back in, she eats a big boot. Charlotte slaps Bayley, hits Natural Selection, but Bayley JUST manages to kick out!
- Bayley rolls Charlotte into a pin – out at two. Charlotte goes for the Figure Four, ends up out of the ring, climbs back in, but flings Bayley onto the outside. Charlotte goes up high, and goes for the moonsault – but here comes Sasha? Charlotte gets hit by Sasha, and then Bayley hits a Bayley-to-belly on Charlotte on the outside, rolling her back into the ring. Charlotte with a small package, but Sasha points out that she has the tights.
- Bayley with another Bayley-to-belly in the ring – and that’s the win!
I don’t know where they’re going with this whole thing, where Sasha comes and interferes, but Sasha’s into the ring, hugging her friend, pointing to the WrestleMania sign. Bayley celebrates, tears in her eyes.
MATCH: Goldberg vs. Kevin Owens – Universal Championship Match
Goldberg does his usual entrance with the weird sniffling and huffing shit he does, and then the pyro hits, and he appears for us. Kevin’s here, sauntering out with his title, and I love him so much, but we’ve got three minutes left, and if someone hurts my precious Murderbear, I’m going to be really, really unhappy. Kevin takes the belt straight to Goldberg, shoving it in his face. Kevin kisses his title.
- Kevin – climbs out of the ring before the bell even rings. Oh, Kevin, you wonderful little shit stirrer, I love you. He walks to the audience, then finally climbs the steps and – climbs out again. The boos are huge at this point. I love this.
- Kevin climbs back onto the apron, climbs into the ring – and rolls back out. He continues to walk around the ring. Kevin climbs back in, and before the bell can ring – Jericho’s titantron. The bell rings, Goldberg hits the spear!
- Goldberg with a jackhammer, cover for three – and that’s all she wrote.
Jericho stands on the ramp, slow-clapping himself in his shiny jacket as Goldberg takes the title. I don’t care about this, I really, really don’t. I know, he’s popular with the crowds, and with the kids, but…. I don’t care. We fade out on Goldberg showing some kids his title as they nod and wonder “who the fuck are you?” See you tomorrow for Raw, I guess.