What up, guys, it’s Sora and I just woke up from a nap, let’s do this!
I’m a little late cause I have car troubles and I’m only just now able to deal with it, but you’re only missing the Festival of Friendship recap.
Wow, alright okay. That took a lot.
I’m back with KO in a chair, monologuing like a Shakespeare character in death throes. He’s talking about Goldberg and all the lights are off, except for a single spotlight on him. Is he fighting Goldberg at Fastlane? I mean I guess it’s better than wasting that Jericho/KO match.
MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson – 2-on-1 Handicap Match
Alright I’m back, like an hour later. Roman is fighting The Club. I don’t know why they’re fighting, but I think even if I was here, I wouldn’t know why either.
- Drive-By by Roman, hair pulling by Anderson.
- According to Corey Graves, Gallows and Anderson are insulted, probably by this booking.
- “Dojo’s of Japan”. Okay, Corey Graves, calm down.
- My stream has died. It was working while I was working out paper work and picking up my car, but now that I’m paying attention to it, it has died.
- “The boot of doom.”
- “Four fists at the same time, you know what that’s called?” A typical Saturday night, Corey.
- Why does Roman always have like a moment with steel chairs? He stares at them like an ex-lover who he can’t help but go back to.
- The crowd always screams when Roman does something heel-ish. He’d make such a good bad boy.
- I love when they pan to people doing Roman’s roar.
Apparently now Roman can focus on Braun since he’s defeated the Club.
There’s a recap of what happened at the beginning of the show. If KO loses to old man McGoldberg, I’m done. Adios RAW.
Can Jinder Mahal be more than just other foreigner fighting with Rusev?
I can’t believe I missed Brian Kendrick in mermaid paints.
We are forty-one days from WrestleMania, but more importantly, we are thirty-nine days from my birthday.
MATCH: Rusev & Jinder Mahal (with Lana) vs. Kofi Kingston & Big E (with Xavier Woods)
Lana is saying something in Russian, but that’s totally okay. I could listen to like 2 more hours of that. She introduces not only Rusev, but Jinder, making me believe they have adopted him as their son.
- Jinder calls himself Hard Body Mahal, and oh man, so do I.
- I love the New Day so much.
- Kofi in crop tops, holy shit.
- Xavier, you piece of shit. He’s shilling his YouTube channel, and the fact he’s hosting South by Southwest.
- I’ll eat New Day’s cream.
- So the New Day are hosting WrestleMania? What does that mean? Does that mean I have at least four reasons to tune in this year?
- Kofi figured out how to work an iPad, I’m so proud of him.
- Being interrupted by Lana is a blessing.
- Lana is canonically a master hacker.
- “How’d she get the plans?” “You know she Russian right?” Shit man, that was amazing.
- Byron is totally okay to eat the New Day’s booty juice. Stop kink shaming, Corey.
- This fight was all about ice cream.
- XAVIER, DON’T DESTROY THAT IPAD. STARVING COLLEGE STUDENTS NEED THAT.
- WHAT THE FUCK! THOSE THINGS ARE LIKE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS!
- He just ripped it like it was nothing. RIP.
- I can see through my tears that New Day won.
Gallagher and Neville in the same ring! Oh, goodness.
You know, I’m just. I don’t know even know The Animal, but I’m pissed he’s getting a better memoriam than Chyna. I’ll never be over Chyna. She deserves so much better still.
Austin Aries woke my cat just by talking. Sadface.
Jack Gallagher, stop.
Oh man, what is with me and pasty white ass British boys?
Jack brought out cookies and everything stop. Just stop.
Here comes Neville, The Delusional King.
Anyone else miss Neville’s cape?
“Leaving so soon, old boy.” STOP.
God, this is so English. I feel like I have been around the English enough to know what English looks like.
“Tea and Biscuits” chants. Amazing.
JACK LOOKS LIKE HE’S GONNA CRY! NOOOO!
Neville, stop, you’re being so mean. Let Jack be a gentleman.
“Deh’re laughin’ at ya”. I would never laugh at Jack like that, Neville, you animal.
First Xavier ruins an iPad, and now Neville ruins tea and biscuits. What is wrong with these people?
MATCH: Nia Jax vs. Sarah Pierce
Here comes Nia to remind us what perfection looks like. God, I love her theme. She’s so perfect. Unfortunately, she’s just destroying a jobber tonight. Oh my God, what is Charly wearing? Okay, I’m sorry, I try not to judge clothing, but it has a boob window.
Well, of course Nia’s gonna get the championship, there’s only three other women on RAW who can get it.
WWE does a Black History Month tribute to Barack Obama. Remember when there was hope in the world?
Here comes Bayley!! A quick recap of Bayley winning the title belt last week.
“You deserve it” chants for Bayley, as she admits she’s close to tears.
“Growing up in California, it’s a beautiful place.” You liar, you grew up in San Jose.
Bayley points at the WrestleMania sign. The pact has been sealed.
Here comes Stephanie McMahon. Is she a heel or face at the moment? I guess we’ll find out.
Why does Stephanie only care about interference now? Telling Bayley she should relinquish her title because she didn’t win it fair. Stephanie McMahon feasts on the tears of the young and innocent.
Bayley is about to hand her title over, when Sasha comes out.
Sasha calls her boss garbage. I mean, I think HR is gonna have a problem with that.
Stephanie is psychoanalyzing every moment and comment, like a rabid Steen/Generico fan.
Bayley agrees with Stephanie that relinquishing the title makes sense, saying she should be a fair champion, not win with cheating.
Or, she’s not giving up the title. Saying she pinned Charlotte (for the third time), thanking the WWE Universe, that she did earn this title and she’s ready to defend it no matter where and when against who.
Here comes Charlotte, looking like she’s straight out of Bram Stoker’s Dracula and here to take my life force to keep herself young and flawless.
Charlotte says she doesn’t want Bayley to give up her title, because she’s gonna take it back at Fastlane with her rematch clause.
Sasha calls Charlotte ‘sweetheart’ twice in one sentence.
And right now, we’re gonna have Sasha v. Charlotte. Thank god they were both in ring gear.
MATCH: Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte Flair
We’re back with Bayley on commentary.
- Bayley admits to almost falling for the mind games that Stephanie was playing.
- I missed watching Charlotte and Sasha fight. It’s been long enough for me to appreciate it.
- I love how vicious the women’s matches have gotten.
- Back with a neck-breaker from Charlotte, and a knee to Sasha’s upper back.
- Sasha gets out and goes for a pin, only for a kick out at one.
- Some “woo”s for Charlotte.
- Dana Brooke runs out because she remembered that she’s Charlotte’s protege, I guess, only to be beat up by Bayley.
- Charlotte taps to the Bank Statement.
A video package for Diamond Dallas Page being inducted into the hall of fame. Congrats, guy.
So. No women announced yet for HOF 2017?
Sami!!!! Sami Zayn!!! He compares KO to Samoa Joe, going on a bit of a rant.
Sami, you know you’re talking to Charly, not Samoa Joe right? Charly’s just standing there like ‘I just asked a simple question, I’m not your therapist.’
MATCH: Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn
Here comes KO to murder Sami Zayn. Another recap of KO destroying Chris Jericho. Stop. My heart. What the fuck, Samoa Joe. What. The. Fuck. Sami doesn’t deserve this. KO just stares on, no emotion. Referees come out of nowhere by the dozen to stop this, popping up like daisies. Sami is thrown into the ring and insists on fighting KO, despite Joe’s ambush.
- As soon as the bell rings, KO just attacks the prone ginger. I can’t believe WWE is televising a live murder.
- A quick powerbomb to Sami, and it’s over. KO stands over Sami’s body, looking at him like the dirt under his shoe.
The Big Show has a 24 inch neck. Braun has a 22.5 inch neck.
Mick Foley and Stephanie are arguing. I think. They’re talking about something that happened two weeks ago. My guys, I don’t even remember what happened one hour ago.
Rest in peace, Seth Rollins. Seriously, I hope you get peaceful rest during another WrestleMania.
Mick Foley, why are you yelling, calm down.
Stephanie is going to kill Mick? Why?
Every time I see Brock, I want Jimmy John’s. That product placement is working wonders.
Brock stole Cole’s chair. That was rude. You had your own chair right there.
There’s a slow close up on Brock’s face. I have nightmares like this.
I don’t even know what Heyman’s talking about. I keep getting lost into Brock’s lifeless eyes.
Brock attempts a smile. He tried.
MATCH: Braun Strowman vs. The Big Show
Here comes Braun into the ring. There are shots of the ring crew, with Cole saying they are ‘reinforcing’ the ring, I think they’re getting a head start on dismantling everything for the night.
- I can’t believe we’re going overtime for this.
- Oh hey, I just caught a Slugma on pokemon go.
- They’re just staring at each other.
- They’re so close their beards are touching.
- “This is awesome chants.” Is it awesome, LA?
- My eyelids are falling harder than Big Show.
- Look, there isn’t much to say. Big man falls, big man gets up, big man hits other big man, other big man falls.
- It’s like watching a Will Ospreay match in very, very slow motion.
- Man, this thing is still going.
- Guys, come on.
- Big Show goes for the big splash. Strowman manages to pick up Big Show somehow.
- Braun picks up the win. Good showing from both of them.
Oh my god. Why. Roman’s here, I guess. Cole can’t talk anymore. It’s past his bedtime.
We leave with Braun standing tall and sweaty.