Hello, my little kayfabulous delights! What a week we’ve had, my darlings, one can hardly believe it. If you’ve missed any of the gorgeously gay goings-on this week, don’t worry, I’m here to catch you up and spread the love like our pretty boys spread their legs! We’ve got a lot to cram in this week, but don’t worry, we’re good at prepping you first – even though I’m sure you like it a little rough and ready! Well, don’t stand around like a spare prick, lovelies! Let’s get started!
Look, Mr Briscoe, Adam Cole’s a switch, clearly, almost no one subscribes to those bottom/top rules anymore. He likes it every way. And he doesn’t appreciate the suggestion that being a bottom is somehow a bad thing. Everyone likes a generous lover.
So, let’s start with Elimination Chamber, where WWE put their pretty boys in cages and release them at pre-determined times. It’s like a catch and release programme for stray animals, only with wrestlers. And look, Dean in a cage! He looks like that’s not the first time it’s happened to him.
Oh, it’s not a good SmackDown PPV if Tyler and Fandango aren’t with us, looking like extras from Top Gun or like they’re the strippers on a cruise ship. Tyler can barely contain himself when Fandango shows off his chest to us, and darling, you’re not the only one. These boys never fail to add a little sparkle and shine to our daily watching, do they?
Well, maybe little isn’t the operative word! Fandango seems to be filling out those holo pants quite deliciously, as he writhes and gives out fashion tickets. My darlings, if there was ever an argument for a stripper gimmick being fulfilled, it’s this boy, even if he looks like he’s got a pair of socks down there, filling him out.
Unfortunately, not all relationships can be as happy or as gorgeous as those of Tyler and Fandango – the Wyatt family appear to be having a breakdown of communications to extreme lengths, going from mildly-incestuous cuddle pile that looks like it smells of dead badger to an out-and-out brawl, where Luke is upset Bray loves Randy more than him. Luke, sweetheart, it’s just that Randy sometimes has a wash, and owns more than one shirt, it’s nothing personal, poppet.
We can only assume, as Bray gets his gold, and Randy has his Royal Rumble title shot, that the entire family is going to fall apart. It’s sad when you can’t make a relationship work, but sometimes it’s better to get out while you can. Poor boys. The blue brand is a dearth of pretty boys touching up right now, it’s a damn shame.
Over on Raw, gingerbread sunshine Sami Zayn has been having a little fun with Rusev, of all people! Tucked up in those big strong arms, he seems to need to pull his own hair to get the rough and tumble loving he prefers, my dears, thus proving Sami’s our perfect masochist of the red brand.
Sami even explained what BDSM is all about after his bout with Rusev, telling us all how he keeps it up. Sami Zayn is the hero we need in our porn – I mean, wrestling – for this year. Sweet, humble, good-looking, and thoroughly into being smacked around by the bigger boys. He’s a giver, that Sami.
The perfect relationship of Chris and Kevin has finally been depicted in the form of classical art, and none of us could be happier than Chris himself, whose excitement about the Festival of Friendship seemed to be overflowing from him. These two have had some rocky moments, but it’s so good to see them working it out, isn’t it, poppets?
Chris had nothing but good things to say about his chemistry with Kevin, how much he loves him, how he’s the best of all the lovers he’s ever had, which brought a tear to my eye, darlings, I don’t mind telling you. This beautiful relationship has just been so intrinsic to our well-being in this difficult time, their support of each other and committed emotions have been so wonderful for all of us, and to watch Chris be honest with Kevin in front of the world… well, when the wedding invitations are sent out, I called it.
Oh. Oh, darlings, my little heart is broken. This is the least kayfabulous thing I’ve ever seen, and I don’t know who the blame for this, but when I find them, when I find the person who changed everything I knew about love and broke it, I promise you, I’ll make them pay!
GET KEVIN AND CHRIS BACK TOGETHER, YOU BASTARD!
Tattooed totty Corey Graves wants to touch you on the knee while attractive, physically marvellous men bend and twist each other into myriad positions, and frankly my loves, I think we all need that right now. You can take advantage of our emotional state, Corey, just promise to hold us afterwards and make us feel good, okay? We need this.
That’s Rich Swann, there, pounding Noam Dar hard just like we all want to, because frankly, he seems like a darling little pain slut. Honestly, all the cruiserweights seem like flexible, flippy, self-fellating fellows, but Noam really does take the self-flagellation to the next level. Even that pose he likes to do speaks to it, my lovelies, hands behind his back, head bowed, legs apart – you can’t tell me the boy doesn’t know how to take his stripes.
Because we need some cheering up, here’s the wonderful Gargano and Ciampa proving that not all love is dead, and that we can get through this, if we just hold our loved ones, and stay together in this. We can do this, my wonderful delights, we can make it through this pain.
Thank you, Kassius, it means a lot that you believe in us. Well, my darlings, I don’t know about you, but with my broken heart, I’m going to struggle this week. But together, with our combined strength, we can keep it kayfabulous. You know we can. I’ll see you next week.
(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions herein are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)