Hello and welcome to Elimination Chamber! It’s the last SmackDown Live PPV before WrestleMania, as Renee Young reminds us, so it’s an important show. When we cut to the panel, I’m immediately confused; we’ve got Renee, Booker T, Sam Roberts and Carmella. It’s an interesting and unexpected combination of experts, but we cut almost immediately to the social media lounge with Dasha Fuentes, so I have little time to wonder too much about it. Now, instead, I’m pleasantly surprised that they actually lead with her name, so I don’t have to fret that I’m getting it wrong.
First match to discuss is Naomi vs. Alexa Bliss for the women’s title; Sam Roberts helpfully tells us that he wears day glo shorts and slides around on his knees while Naomi is on screen, while Carmella is busy texting. Booker says words, and Carmella really feels me on this one by rolling her eyes and staring off into space or at her watch. If Naomi wins, she’ll be walking into WrestleMania as a hometown champion, but that might be a distraction and unhelpful pressure as much as it is a motivation; in the end, Booker and Roberts are behind Naomi, and Carmella is backing Alexa while Booker says something about how she’s booking a mani-pedi. She’s probably texting her friends about those rude comments.
Next up, it’s a video package about Luke Harper vs. Randy Orton; starting with Orton joining the Family, through becoming tag team champions and losing the titles again, and then Bray sinisterly telling us that a family divided is no family at all. Booker thinks that Orton fits in perfectly to Bray’s little thing, Roberts points out that Harper has had the support of the WWE Universe since the beginning, and Carmella wants to know why the expert panel doesn’t have coffee provided. All three eventually predict Orton to come out ahead.
Onto the tagteams! Booker seems to believe that American Alpha being the youngest team has something to do with the fact that they’ve challenged the whole division. Roberts tries to talk about how his Twitter blew up when the Ascension won on SmackDown, and Booker gets confused thinking he means American Alpha. I was confused too, Booker, to be fair. Renee backs the Usos to win, Booker is behind Alpha, Roberts loves the Ascension, and Carmella wants to talk about the sexy cops. They’ve never given her a ticket, so that’s a vote in their favour.
Apparently only every second match gets a video package; Nikki vs. Natalya is up next, with a video about Natalya tearing Nikki apart over every sexist thing I’ve ever seen tweeted about her. Renee and Carmella lead the discussion, as Renee asks how Carmella would feel if people said the same thing about her and James Ellsworth. Carmella neatly counters that she started this whole Nikki/Nattie business, and that Nattie is just picking up where she left off. I’d be happier if WWE didn’t remind me about that, honestly. Why can’t Nikki get a feud where people don’t just hassle her about that stuff? James wanders in while Booker is trying to talk to drag Carmella away to the skybox he booked for the two of them. Once Renee finally drags them back on topic, Roberts says that Natalya got into Nikki’s ‘kitchen’ so she’s going to win, and Booker concurs. Renee stands by Nikki, before we hastily move on to the next match.
Immediately, Roberts jumps in on the continuity error of Dolph Ziggler; he calls himself a show-off, but he’s up until recently been a nice guy which just doesn’t make sense. Further, what is Apollo Crews always smiling at? Roberts has his finger on the pulse of the Internet wrestling community, that’s for sure. Booker and Renee are backing Kalisto and Crews, while Roberts is on board with Dolph.
Becky is in the social media lounge with Dasha, and launches into a very evocative, if morbid, description of how she’d use Mickie James’ disembodied limbs for a variety of purposes. She also wants to tagteam with Shawn Michaels because the Heartbreak Kid and the Armbreak Kid would be a good team, and because he retired Ric Flair which she has strong feelings about. She delicately phrases it as ‘he helped Charlotte defeat me’, but my memory of how is unfortunately vivid, so I can get behind this.
When we’re back to the panel, they play some footage of JBL falling over. What high comedy.
MATCH: Curt Hawkins vs. Mojo Rawley
I’m glad that Mojo is keeping busy in Zack Ryder’s absence. Hawkins’ entrance is basically trashtalking Mojo and his NFL career.
- Mojo rushes Hawkins immediately, but Hawkins ducks under the rope to avoid him. Mojo chases him a little more around the ring, as Hawkins dodges and cowers. The commentary team remind us that both men have tagged with Zack Ryder, though Hawkins was champion with him.
- Strike from Hawkins, but Mojo counters with a clothesline that knocks Hawkins off his feet, then whips him into the corner.
- Hawkins rolls out of the ring, but Mojo chases him and knocks him chest-first into the apron.
- Back in the ring, Hawkins kicks Mojo back to the ground, then climbs back into the ring to wait for Mojo to get counted out. This does not work.
- Hawkins with Mojo in the corner for strikes and kicks as we cut to commercial.
- When we’re back, Hawkins takes out Mojo’s knee with a slide, then takes him down with a vertical suplex for a one count.
- Knee to the spine, then a rear chinlock from Hawkins. Counter into a jawbreaker, but Hawkins knocks Mojo back down with a lariat for a pair of two counts.
- Circling from Mojo, then strikes and a pair of shoulder blocks and a lariat followed by a stinger splash.
- Fireman’s carry from Rawley, but Hawkins kicks out of the slam at two.
- DDT from Hawkins gets a two-count, then back on their feet; some counters traded until Hawkins hits an enzuigiri.
- Hawkins beckons Mojo to his feet like an excited puppy, but Rawley blocks whatever he was trying to do, then takes him down with a Tilt-A-Whirl Slam – Mojo Rawley wins!
The match quickly cuts back to the kickoff panel, where Renee is trying to sell me the streaming service I am using at this moment to watch Renee try to sell it to me. That’s the WWE Network for you.
Time to talk about Elimination Chamber! A group of legends teach us about how Elimination Chamber is brutal, then it’s time for the show! What a good talk we had.
Elimination Chamber is pitched to us like a really aggressive game show. I have no intelligible commentary on that.
MATCH: Becky Lynch vs. Mickie James
Becky’s music opens the show with a huge pop. I know I’m really watching wrestling now, because I’m dancing and humming along with the entrance themes regardless of how I feel about the superstars in question.
- The two women circle, then collar and elbow tie-up. Becky pushes Mickie against the ropes, then Mickie drops to the ground to grapple.
- Eventually the grappling rolls to the floor, and Mickie pushes Becky against the barricade. Finally the tie-up breaks up as both women climb back into the ring before the ten count, and circle each other a moment longer.
- This time, a collar and elbow quickly becomes Becky with a wristlock, but Mickie rolls to the ground and reverses the wristlock. Two shoulder blocks from Mickie, but Becky reverses the hold again and Mickie drags herself to the ropes to force a break.
- Becky sends Mickie tumbling to the ground, and Becky beckons her to rejoin her. When Mickie climbs up on the apron, Becky drags her into the ringpost, then kicks her back to the ground, following with a flying forearm.
- Becky rolls Mickie back into the ring, but Mickie hits a snap DDT for a series of three covers, all two counts.
- Becky in the corner, with Mickie laying in until the ref creates separation. Mickie works Becky’s left arm on the mat, then a knee to the face to keep her down, but only for another two count.
- Mickie drapes Becky’s left arm over the ropes and pulls to work the arm more, then a hammerlock bridge.
- Becky on her feet with right hands; Mickie fires back with a knee, but Becky knocks her down with a European uppercut.
- Boot to the injured arm, then Becky thrown into the ringpost.
- Hurricanrana out of the corner from Mickie; JBL pipes up that referring to Mickie as from a ‘past generation’ is misleading as she’s only young. Not only that, she’s been wrestling – just not with WWE. I’m astonished; that’s a very sensible point.
- Full nelson from Mickie. Becky powers to her feet and throws Mickie to the ground, but she’s back up quickly and the two trade forearms.
- Becky catches a kick, then hits her trademark pair of lariats into a leg lariat, followed by the Bex-ploder. Mickie kicks out at two, then makes her way to the corner.
- Mickie avoids the splash, then climbs up on the turnbuckle for a seated senton for a two count.
- “Let’s go Becky!” chants as Mickie grabs Becky’s left arm in another hammerlock, but Becky breaks out with a springboard back kick, then up on the turnbuckle for a missile dropkick; James kicks out at two.
- Both women back on their feet and Mickie counters the pumphandle slam, into a Mick Kick. Becky’s foot is under the bottom rope, and she’s able to weakly kick out of the second cover.
- Strikes from Mickie, then sets up for a move but Becky tries to reverse into the Dis-Arm-Her; Mickie reverses into a roll-up, then Becky reverses into a jackknife cover – Becky wins!
Becky still cradling her left arm as she walks backwards up the ramp, and then we cut to Carmella and James watching from their sky box. Carmella tells Dasha that the wrong woman won, and James dutifully agrees “what she said”.
MATCH: Apollo Crews & Kalisto vs. Dolph Ziggler
Before all the men can make their way out to the ring, Dolph Ziggler jumps Kalisto from behind. Ziggler gleefully jumps around as referees check on Kalisto, and Crews stomps down to the ring. He’s much less smiley than usual.
- Crews all business as the bell rings, laying into Dolph with strikes then throwing him into the corner for a series of elbows.
- Ziggler rushes out of the corner, but Crews catches him with another strike, then lays in with a sequence of punches on the prone Ziggler.
- Snap suplex from Crews, then drops Dolph onto the apron.
- Hangman’s neckbreaker from Dolph, then he rolls back into the ring, kicking at Crews.
- Another neckbreaker, then an elbow drop, for just a one count.
- Headlock from Ziggler, but Crews breaks out with strikes to the midsection.
- Crews catches the superkick, but Ziggler able to knock him off his feet with a back elbow.
- Stomp from Ziggler, then a punch, then just pushing Crews down with his foot. Rear chinlock, but Crews turns it into a rollup. Ziggler kicks out, locks in the rear chinlock again.
- Crews on his feet and breaking out with right hands, but Ziggler kicks him in the knee and tries another neckbreaker; Crews counters and hits Ziggler with a kick, but Ziggler catches him for a swinging neckbreaker.
- Kalisto limps his way down to the ring while a referee tries to convince him to go away and sit down somewhere. Dolph looking smug and turns around into an enzuigiri from Crews.
- Crews weakly tags in Kalisto, who hits a springboard reverse seated senton then a handspring roundhouse kick to Dolph, then stops to clutch his back.
- Ducks the assault from Dolph, then makes a quick tag to Crews – spinout powerbomb, and Crews and Kalisto win!
The two men celebrate, but Ziggler pulls Kalisto off the apron then fetches a chair from under the ring. Crews tries to stop him, but eats several stomps from Ziggler, who then tangles Crews’s ankle in the chair and stomps it. A second attack on the angle, then Dolph stalks away, leaving Crews clutching his ankle while Kalisto frantically checks on him. A big ‘thank you Ziggler’ chant takes up, and… really, guys? Really?
MATCH: Heath Slater and Rhyno vs. Breezango vs. The Vaudevillains vs. The Usos vs. American Alpha vs. The Ascension – Tag Team Turmoil Championship Match
Slater and Rhyno make their way out first, followed by Breezango in new gear. Oh my gosh, I can’t even look. They’re gyrating sailor boys and Fandango is baring his chest while the crowd dances. I can’t cope.
- Fandango and Slater start things off. The crowd chants “He’s got kids!” as Dango backs Slater into the corner then backs away to gyrate suggestively. Slater just looks confused.
- Side headlock from Fandango, then bounces off the ropes and takes Slater down with a shoulder block.
- Hip toss from Slater, then Fandango tags in Tyler as Slater gyrates.
- Tag to Rhyno, and a wristlock; Tyler breaks out, then strikes to Rhyno’s face, but Rhyno knocks Tyler to the ground easily.
- Tyler in the corner, and taking a shoulder from Rhyno, then a short arm clothesline to take Tyler to the mat.
- Tag made back to Slater, and double back elbows on Breeze, then side headlock and tag made to Fandango, who takes Slater down with a drop toehold and stops to remove his shirt.
- Fandango hangs Slater on the ropes, then tandem kicks as he tags Tyler back in; Slater kicks out at two. Commentary calls Breezango the favourites to win. No, really.
- Stomps in the corner, then Fandango back in for more stomps. He has the fashion tickets tucked into his waistband; that can’t be comfy.
- Attempted flip from Slater, but Fandango drops him with a strike then drops the tickets on him. Monkey flip from Slater, and Fandango kicks out; more assault from Slater and Tyler breaks up the pin.
- Fandango reverses Slater’s offense into a rollup, but Slater has just made the tag; he’s not the legal man. Rhyno hits Gore – Breezango are eliminated.
- The Vaudevillains make their way down next. A flying Slater takes them both out, but once English is in the ring he makes quick work of Slater.
- Tag to Gotch, then knees to Slater’s face.
- Tag back to English, Swanton bomb, but it’s not enough; Slater with a move I unfortunately miss, and the Vaudevillains are eliminated.
- Superkick from Jimmy Uso as he enters, then knocking Slater against the ropes. Slater back up, tagging to Rhyno, who hits Jimmy with a double axe handle to the back.
- Jimmy reverses the whip to the corner, then makes the tag to Jey. Double team offense, but Rhyno kicks out at two.
- Rhyno rebounds out of the corner with a clothesline, then tags Slater back in. Slater knocks Jimmy off the apron, then Jey into the turnbuckle.
- Right hand by Slater, then whip into the ropes; waistlock from Slater, but the tag is made and Slater is the victim of a quick rollup. Beauty and the Manbeast are eliminated!
- American Alpha out next, and the Usos make their way up the ramp to catch them with strikes before they can enter the ring. Alpha fight back, then to the ring with double German suplexes.
- Jason Jordan and Jimmy Uso go toppling to the outside, then Gable hits a diving crossbody on Jey Uso for a very close nearfall.
- Jimmy with a kick to the back of Gable’s head as he rebounds off the ropes, then Jey catching him in the ring. Gable struggles to his feet, then Jey picks him up and throws him into the corner for a shoulder to the midsection.
- Jimmy tags back in and gets a two count, then drapes Gable over the ropes; Jey slaps him from the outside while the referee isn’t looking, then Jimmy drags Gable to his feet for a knife-edge chop and Jey tags back in.
- Jimmy holds Gable in place for the superkick, then Jey tags Jimmy back in for a leg drop, but only gets a two count.
- Rear chinlock from Jimmy Uso, Gable breaks out and scrambles to make the tag but is held back and whipped back into the opposite corner.
- Both men collide with clotheslines in the middle of the ring, then both make the tag!
- Jordan with a pair of shoulder blocks and dropkick on Jey Uso, then an overhead belly to belly.
- Jey Uso in to the electric chair, and Jordan tags in Gable; Jey counters into a rollup, but Gable reverses; the Usos are eliminated.
- Superkick even after the elimination, then a vicious assault from the Usos on Alpha. The next tag team still haven’t come out, but Gable is thrown into the steel steps and Jordan takes a Samoan Splash in the ring. Two more referees come out to send away the Usos, who finally leave, their damage done.
- The Ascension finally make their way to the ring, exchanging a quick nod with the Usos on the way out. Fall of Man on Jordan, but Gable breaks up the pin.
- Konnor picks up Gable and throws him onto the ropes, then tags in Viktor for dual stomps on Jordan.
- Jordan in the corner, Viktor in with strikes, then tagging in Konnor for a corner forearm and a knee. Jordan just manages to kick out.
- Jordan back in the corner, and Viktor tags back in with a strike, then a kick. Jordan dodges the corner assault, then takes Viktor out with an overhead belly-to-belly.
- Jordan ducks Konnor coming at him, and tags in Gable for Grand Amplitude; American Alpha retain!
Frankly, I’m a little disappointed because I feel like tag team turmoil was the perfect time for an upset. Plus, you know. I wanted to look at Breezango in those outfits for a bit longer. Don’t judge me; I’m sure you feel the same.
MATCH: Nikki Bella vs. Natalya
A repeat of the sexist nonsense video package and I’m just bored of this. Show me the wrestling, not the insults, please.
- Snap side headlock takedown from Nikki, transitioned into a headscissors; Natalya escapes and locks in a wristlock.
- Nikki breaks out with a kick, then rolls into a cross armbreaker.
- Natalya breaks out, right hands, then grabs Nikki by the hair, waistlock takedown, then keeping Nikki down with a kick.
- Second waistlock takedown from Natalya, then she stops to mock Nikki’s boyfriend.
- Kneebar from Nikki, Natalya scrambles to the ropes and makes a rope break, then rolls out of the ring. Nikki knocks her down with a baseball slide, then a leaping clothesline off the apron to take Nattie down, and does her own ‘you can’t see me’.
- Nikki rolls Nattie back into the ring, but Nattie rolls out again and calls for a timeout, then shoves Nikki away when she just looks confused.
- Nattie rolls Nikki back into the ring, then a snap suplex. Knee to the back, and Nikki crawls weakly to the corner while Natalya poses again.
- Kicks to Nikki’s stomach, until the ref creates separation, and Natalya skips away.
- Basement dropkick from Natalya, then a rear chinlock. Nikki slowly gets to her feet, then breaks out with elbows and an arm drag takeover.
- Natalya with a clothesline, then more ‘you can’t see me’ mockery; Nikki with a rollup, but Nattie kicks out.
- Natalya starts working on Nikki’s left leg, and Mauro seems to take a moment to remember the word ‘Sharpshooter’. To be fair, I’ve been there.
- Nikki breaks out with a strike then the Fearless Lock, but Natalya makes it to the ropes quickly.
- Dropkick from Nikki, then a jawbreaker, for a two count.
- Michinoku Driver from Natalya, Nikki kicks out at two.
- Nattie goes for the Sharpshooter, but Nikki breaks out with a strikes and goes for a cover; Nattie kicks out at two.
- Nikki goes for the Rack Attack 2.0, but Nattie escapes. Spinebuster from Nikki, but Nattie kicks out at two.
- Enzuigiri from Nikki, but Natalya kicks out at two.
- Nikki drapes Natalya over the ropes to hit with a knee, then up on the turnbuckle; Natalya meets her there and hits the superplex. Both women down, and Natalya gets up first but not by much.
- Natalya locks in the Sharpshooter, and Nikki crawls to the ropes, but Natalya drags her back to the middle of the ring. Nikki rolls over and counters into the Fearless Lock. Natalya struggles for the ropes, and just manages to make it.
- Both superstars spill to the outside, then Natalya drives Nikki into the barricade. Nikki escapes and throws Natalya into the barricade, then as Nikki tries to climb back in, Natalya pulls her away – double countout!
Natalya continues the assault after the bell, but Nikki is able to get the upper hand; she’s standing strong, but that doesn’t change the match result. Carmella and James are asked for their opinions again, but Carmella is dismissive as always.
Steph here, for some reason, so you can enjoy me not knowing who anyone is or what matches we’re meant to be getting. I get to start on a video package about how in love Bray Wyatt is with Randy Orton. We see how all the tensions mounted with Luke Harper, and how the family started to break down. Where’s Erick Rowan these days, does Bray not love him anymore?
MATCH: Randy Orton vs. Luke Harper
Randy ambles out like the casual racist, all lives matter bullshit supporter that he is, and wow, not expecting to recap today apparently means I’m not sugarcoating anything. Good luck reading this. Luke Harper’s backdrop is wood. What, his acting’s wooden? He’s got wood? He smells like wood? No, we all know Luke Harper smells like B.O. and possibly dead squirrel.
- We start our match with the two men circling, Luke taking space in the corner and just staring, the camera focussed on his face as Randy stalks. Are we having a match or an eyefuck, boys? They lock up, and then Luke bellows something.
- I get distracted, and then they’re on the outside, palm strikes from Harper, who dips into the ring to break the count, and back out, slamming Randy’s head into the announce table. He rolls Randy back in, where Harper eats an elbow, but fires back with a dropkick. Is it just me, or is JBL more weird sounding than usual?
- Harper goes up to the top rope, Randy punching him off it and grandstanding, but all I can think is that for a man who looks grubby, the band of Harper’s underwear looks very clean. He breaks the count at nine, and gets hit hard by Orton, who follows him back out of the ring, slings him over the announce table and basically into the lap of David Otunga. Third worst lapdance Otunga has ever had.
- Randy takes Harper back in, puts him in a side headlock, and JBL says he’d rather that the Spanish announce table was destroyed, because he’s a racist son of a bitch. Headlock still on, Harper tries to get out, eventually rising, but the hold is still locked in. He fights out with elbows to the gut, but Randy hangs him over the top rope, letting him fall to the apron. Once more, Randy grandstands, because he wouldn’t know class if she waggled her arse in front of him.
- Stomps from Randy in the corner, dragging him into the middle of the ring for some hair and beard pulling, because Randy’s a kinky son of a bitch.
- I get distracted by Twitter, because this is a dull match – despite Harper actually being a good wrestler – and miss two near falls, before Harper catapults Randy’s throat into the ropes and I have to look away for a moment. The crowd shouts for Harper, as he comes towards Randy, and gets a forearm for his troubles. Suicide dive from Harper, Randy’s turn to lap dance for commentary’s money, before Harper picks him back up and slams him onto the table back first.
- Randy gets a reversal, scoop powerslam, but he just rubs his head on Harper’s belly like a weirdo. Back in the ring, both struggling, Luke goes up, Randy fighting him out, and hits a superplex off the top rope, both men down and wincing. Camera feels the need to show us a real close up on Randy’s head, which is something I never feel I’ve needed. Pin for two for Orton.
- Randy looks for the RKO, hits a full nelson slam instead (thanks Mauro, I was looking at Twitter) and gets a pin for two. Luke’s on the apron, struggling to his feet, and Orton hits a rope-supported DDT. He slams himself into the mat for funsies, and so Harper comes back with a kick, Orton struggling up on spread and wibbly legs like he just got done being fucked for about three hours. Another kick sends him down hard, and Harper gets a near fall.
- Massive powerbomb from Harper to Orton, and another nearfall for Harper. The crowd chants ‘this is awesome’, which feels a little like hyperbole, frankly. It’s alright. Not awesome. The two trade blows on their knees.
- Randy hits an RKO probably out of somewhere, interrupting a discus clothesline possibility, and – that’s the win.
Randy points at the WrestleMania sign with all the enthusiasm of me doing this recap at nearly 3am, and I don’t care about this outcome at all. At all.
Nikki’s saying how much she hates Nattie, Nattie attacks, they spill powder all over Maryse, and the fucking refs grab them and pull them apart, because of course they never bloody grab the men, but nooo, it’s fine to grab the hell out of the women, and I’m not mentally in the right place for this shit.
Jess taking over again after a nice long nap, and we’re back into the action!
MATCH: Naomi vs. Alexa Bliss – Women’s Championship Match
Naomi incredible and athletic as always, and Alexa is rocking a new Wonder Woman inspired outfit.
- Alexa flicks her hair at Naomi, who retorts with a rollup. Alexa kicks out and throws a piece of chewing gum at Naomi, but is backed into the corner, sending her headfirst into the turnbuckle, then another.
- Naomi up on the turnbuckle, but Alexa knocks her down; Naomi counters with a kick into a springboard, but Alexa has her well scouted.
- Strikes from Alexa, then Naomi goes into the turnbuckle, pinned there by Alexa’s foot.
- Naomi draped over the ropes, Alexa behind her with the double knees for a two count.
- Naomi headfirst into the turnbuckle again but catches herself and counters with a kick. Alexa throws Naomi into the other corner, for a two count cover.
- Alexa pinning Naomi down by the hair, then into a rear chinlock. Mauro shoehorns in a “cash me ousside” joke.
- Alexa up onto the second rope, then into a bridging cover; Naomi reverses into a rollup, then a roundhouse kick after Alexa kicks out.
- Naomi ducks a clothesline, then comes back with a leaping clothesline and leaping back elbow. Another kick to Alexa’s head, then a somersault clothesline.
- Naomi to the outside when she comes at Alexa, but up on the turnbuckle for a brainbuster on Alexa.
- Both women struggle to their feet, and Naomi hits the Rear View as Alexa comes running at her.
- Naomi drags Alexa into position for the splitlegged moonsault, but Alexa able to move out of the way. The referee is manhandling Naomi much more than he should.
- Double knees, then Insault-to-Injury from Alexa, but Naomi kicks out at two.
- Alexa to the turnbuckle, but Naomi with a step-up enzuigiri knocks her to the floor. Naomi looks like she’s going for a suicide dive, but Alexa is back on the apron and hits Naomi with a snap DDT for a two-count.
- A literal tantrum breaks out, with Alexa flailing her fists and feet. Springboard split-legged moonsault from Naomi, but half-misses, and Alexa gets to her feet using the ropes for a roll-up; the referee notices, and Alexa is even less happy.
- Stomps and strikes to the downed Naomi, then Alexa is up on the turnbuckle, but Naomi gets her knees up on Twisted Bliss.
- A second springboard splitlegged moonsault, and Naomi is our new women’s champion!
Naomi is walking into WrestleMania a hometown champion, and I couldn’t be more thrilled for her. Renee comes out to interview her in the ring, and Naomi starts to cry a little as a ‘You deserve it!’ chant cuts off her answers. She gathers herself well enough to celebrate, then starts to cry again a little as she drops the microphone. Still dancing, though. She’s feeling the glow tonight!
Dasha comes out to interview Carmella, but James sends her away for annoying his lady. We cut right from this to the Enzo and Cass chicken promo, so that’s a little weird.
MATCH: Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin vs The Miz vs. Bray Wyatt vs. AJ Styles vs John Cena – WWE World Championship Elimination Chamber Match
Big pop for the Intercontinental Champion to start things off. Corbin tries to get in Dean’s face, but joke’s on him, Dean is already in his little pod. The Miz joins them, no Maryse, followed by Bray, no family. It’s a lonely Elimination Chamber for these boys. AJ and Cena are the lucky boys starting in the ring together.
- Quiet circling, collar and elbow tie-up, then a side headlock from Cena.
- Shoulder block takes AJ to the ground, and Cena does a little shuffling dance backwards and points at the WrestleMania sign. He does have more practice at that than AJ does.
- Side headlock from AJ, break, leapfrog, then a kick from AJ followed by strikes back and forth. Cena with the upper hand gets AJ into the corner, then Cena into the opposite corner, and AJ gets him up in the Argentine backbreaker rack, then into a powerbomb for a two count.
- Dueling chants of ‘AJ Styles!’ and ‘Let’s go Cena!’ as AJ tries to get Cena in position for the Styles Clash but Cena counters.
- Sunset flip powerbomb from Cena for a two count.
- Cena on his feet first, then trading strikes. Cena knocks AJ down and looks to set up for the STF, but AJ kicks him away and hits an ushigoroshi.
- AJ tries to go for a flying forearm at Cena, but Cena dodges. Cena with a scoop slam, then sets up for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Before he can hit it, though, a chamber opens – Dean Ambrose is joining the fray.
- Dean ducks a clothesline from Cena then hits a crossbody. Before Cena can recover, Dean throws him over the ropes and into the chainlink side of the chamber twice.
- AJ gets to his feet, but Dean sends him into the chainlink to follow.
- Dean sets up for a suplex over the ropes to AJ, but AJ able to hold onto the ropes with his legs to block. A second attempt sends AJ down onto the unforgiving floor of the chamber.
- Dean knocks Cena off his feet, then climbs up on top of his pod for a flying elbow drop to John Cena.
- Cena dragged back to the ring, but AJ has recovered and goes for a waistlock. Standing switch, standing switch, then Cena from behind German suplexing both men.
- Dean up in the fireman’s carry but slips out, then AJ up instead, but lands on his feet and knocks Cena down. Dean knocks AJ down with a pendulum lariat, but then another door opens – it’s Bray Wyatt!
- Clothesline to Dean from Bray, then a suplex. Goes at AJ, but AJ ducks down sending Bray over the rope. AJ tries to follow with a springboard, but hits the chainlink instead of Bray.
- Bray hits the ringpost going after AJ, and AJ counters with a kick then then a legdrop. Dean looks like he’s thinking about philosophy as Cena picks up AJ in the fireman’s carry, but AJ escapes and starts climbing the chainlink.
- Cena follows up the side of the enclosure, and they trade strikes from near the top. AJ loses his footing so he’s just hanging on with his hands, but is able to recover and knock Cena to the floor.
- It’s AJ’s turn to stand on a pod now, but Dean meets him there, bouncing his head off the wall. AJ counters with the same, but Dean knocks him into the wall again then starts crawling away across the wall.
- Bray pulls Dean down and throws him into the ring, setting him up on the turnbuckle, hitting a series of headbutts, but Dean fights him off with elbows.
- AJ down from the pod onto the turnbuckle, and Dean powerbombs Bray while Bray suplexes AJ. The Miz looks horrified by what has transpired.
- Corbin out next, but Dean hastily catches him with elbows. Corbin counters with a clothesline that drops Dean, then throws him into the chainlink.
- Corbin hits the turnbuckle as he goes after Dean; Dean goes for the running bulldog, but Corbin counters and hits Dean with Deep Six.
- Bray hitting Corbin from behind and grabbing him for Sister Abigail, but Corbin breaks out and throws him into one of the pods. The Miz looks scandalized.
- AJ Styles receives an End of Days in the ring, but Cena is back up with the STF on Corbin. Corbin counters, and hits Cena with End of Days too.
- Missile dropkick from Dean, then Dean clotheslines Corbin over the top rope and throws him into the chainlink several times.
- Corbin picks Dean up and throws him into the chainlink in turn, then into one of the pods.
- Dean looks for Dirty Deeds in the ring, but Corbin blocks. Dean goes up on the turnbuckle, but Corbin pushes him off into the chainlink so he is the only man standing as Miz’s pod door opens.
- As Corbin is staring at Miz, who is inching out of his pod, Dean gets a rollup, and Corbin is eliminated!
- Before leaving the chamber, Corbin takes Dean down with a lariat, then throws him through the wall of one of the pods.
- Elbows to the back of Dean’s head, then an End of Days in the ring. Now there are three referees sternly pointing Corbin towards the door. If he was a woman, he’d have been dragged out by the waist by now, just saying.
- Miz finally slinks out of his chamber as Corbin leaves the ring, pinning Dean off Corbin’s finisher – Dean is eliminated!
- Miz leads us in a yes chant because he’s such a nice guy and just wants us to be happy, and who isn’t happy shouting yes? He then embarks on a series of yes kicks on Bray and Cena, and a dropkick to both of them.
- AJ in the corner eats some more kicks, then Miz hits a corner dropkick on each of his three opponents.
- Miz poses on the turnbuckle, knocked down by Bray, but hits a Skull-Crushing Finale on Bray.
- Diving crossbody to Cena, but Cena catches him and transitions into the fireman’s carry – AA, and The Miz is eliminated!
- Bray and AJ team up for kicks on Cena, then Bray picks up Cena and holds him in position for strikes from AJ. AJ poses for the crowd, and Bray floors him.
- Running senton from Bray misses Cena, who slams AJ and Bray in quick succession for a… Ten Knuckle Shuffle?
- Bray takes an AA, then AJ picked up the fireman’s carry, but AJ counters into the Styles Clash for a two count.
- Springboard for the Phenomenal Forearm misses, and AJ eats an AA, but kicks out at two.
- Cena climbs the chainlink to the top of a pod, pointing to the WrestleMania side before taking out both Bray and AJ with a diving crossbody.
- Bray ducks out of the fireman’s carry and hits Sister Abigail – Cena is eliminated! There will be a new champion tonight!
- Bray and AJ stare each other down, but AJ gets in first with a forearm. Bray takes the offensive, though, throwing AJ into the ringpost.
- AJ meets Bray halfway across the ring, sliding under him and knocking him down with a forearm for a two count.
- Bray up in the spider walk, then catching AJ for Sister Abigail – AJ dodges, counters into a rollup, but only for two.
- Bray knocks AJ off his feet, but only a two count.
- Attempted chokeslam from Bray blocked by a back elbow, then Pele Kick from AJ and a knee takes Bray to the mat.
- AJ drags himself up outside the ring for a springboard 450, but Bray kicks out at two.
- Both men down, but AJ gets to his feet first, pulling off his elbow pad for the forearm. Bray dodges, reverses into Sister Abigail – our new WWE World Champion is Bray Wyatt!
Bray collapses in the ring holding the title as AJ crawls out the door, though Bray eventually gets to his feet to appropriately point at the WrestleMania sign. The arena fills with fireflies as Randy Orton appears at the end of the ramp. Bray falls to his knees and implores us to follow the buzzards, as Orton looks down at him. Bray laughs, and we cut away.