Hello darlings! Well, between the Rumble and Raw, and a lot of Progress, your poor, exhausted writer has watched over 25 hours of wrestling this week, and recapped nine of those. Frankly, my poppets, one is utterly exhausted from all this, and so, this week’s Gaywatch shall be a solo celebration, rather than a selection of week’s goodies. That’s right, my loves, like the Seth special, it’s a deliciously kayfabulous one-wrestler parade of perversion this week, starring the one and only Jimmy Fucking Havoc, British wrestling version of that boy you fancied when you were a teenager in the 2000’s.
Warnings for the oncoming photos – there will be blood, because this boy plays hard and rough, poppets, just how we like it. One rather suspects a night at Jimmy’s house involves heavy-duty plastic sheeting, but that’s no reason not to give the boy a chance now, is it? Look at that smoulder, could you say no to that? Not a fucking chance, sweetlings, if you’ll pardon my language. And you’ll have to, because things are only getting steamier from here on out. (All stills taken from Jimmy’s Instagram, unless stated otherwise.)
Thank you, darling, that’s a marvellous introduction to your body of work for those unfamiliar. And the work of your body, which is also fairly spectacular. My darlings, Jimmy likes to hang around with twinky little things, and yet somehow, he’s often tended to be the one bleeding – sweetheart, doesn’t being submissive come easier when he’s bigger than you?
Point in question, here’s flippy little twink Mark Andrews with his thighs around Jimmy’s face, which is not an uncommon occurrence, if our sources and eyes can be believed. Mark’s known for his twisting and rolling, so the boy looks like he’s been challenged to do as many sex positions as he can in a minute, and apparently, Jimmy likes them bendy and slender. Can you blame him, darlings?
When not dancing around with darling dalliances like Mark, Jimmy’s got an interesting little way with taking a staple gun from big, strong men. I’m fairly certain there’s easier ways to get play piercings, but let’s face it, are any of those half as much fun? Let’s just hope you’ve got that safeword ready, Jimmy, we wouldn’t want you passing out on us, would we?
Or there’s that, I suppose. There’s a reason, dear hearts, why my whispered affirmation for the Progress boys tends to be ‘ye gods’ and this has to be one of them. Get you a man who’s not afraid to bleed all over his whites, because he knows how to use a washing machine, poppets, and then maybe hide the staple gun. Just a word to the wise. After all, you can’t do this every night, there’s a time and a place!
Speaking of, another one of Jimmy’s boys is Fergal Devitt – or Finn Balor, as we talk about him most weeks – gingerbread sunshine Sami Zayn’s fling. But Jimmy’s had him, because let’s face it, who could resist all your goth boy fantasies spread out before you? Besides, we know Finn’s no stranger to dark and dangerous himself. What we wouldn’t do for a peek at that, goodness! Do excuse me, lovelies, it seems to be a little warm in here.
Jimmy, darling, you’re not helping me here. Still, if that’s all he’s taking off, sweetlings, one must press on to kinkier pastures – which is pretty much all of the earlier Progress shows, my lovelies. Frankly, I’ve seen less erotic Cyberfights matches, so you should all scurry your gorgeous selves over to subscribe and get all the matches of these flighty, twinky little things being destroyed by men twice their size. We all know that’s what we’re into.
Speaking of little twinky things, it’s Will Ospreay, the flippy, foldable fuck we’ll introduce you to next. Jimmy sure does have a type, doesn’t he? Bendy, baby-faced boys who move like they’re spring-loaded – and he’s got an awful lot of them to choose from!
You’d never have figured Jimmy Havoc for someone to hold hands and skip, would you lovelies? And yet, there’s a softer side to the blood-slicked, sweary motherfucker, my dear ones, but it’s possible you have to be blonde and capable of auto-fellatio to get to it. Still, it’s important to have ambitions, darlings!
I take it all back, darlings, clearly Jimmy does like to play the dominant when he gets the chance – precious Will doesn’t look like he’s having a good time, but I’m sure he’s got a safeword if he needs it. I’d like to think that Jimmy’s good enough to give his partners a choice about indulging in a little breathplay – after all, he’s an Englishman, and therefore should have some manners somewhere, even if it’s only in bed!
Ye gods, darlings, I might have to take a moment to open a window and loosen my clothing slightly at this one. Nothing wrong with a boy getting head in a sharp outfit, is there, and while it may seem strange to some that he’s chosen to do it in public, one must remember that some filthy little things like an audience for this sort of thing! Clearly Jimmy’s not a man to be shy about taking control, whether in public or private – what lucky boys he has.
In fact, recently, long time friend and on-off fuckbuddy Zack Sabre Jr. seems to be helping out with Jimmy’s voyeuristic side, bend pretty young things into delectable shapes for Jimmy to gaze at. Clearly he’s gathering himself a little harem to have whenever he pleases – and with those smouldering good looks, who can blame him for wanting a little more than the average?
Well, darlings, I think that’s it. Anything to add, Jimmy?
Of course you do, pet. Well, my darlings, that’s it for another week! We’ll see you next Friday for our usual week-by-week update on the sexual soap opera that is professional wrestling, and until then, remember – stay kayfabulous, lovelies!
(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions herein are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestlers mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)