It’s a tag team tonight! Jess and Steph, back as a team for another dual-brand PPV! This means the six+ hours of wrestling we’re about to endure – sorry, I mean enjoy – won’t be done alone by one of us who wishes desperately that they were asleep or drunk. Jess will take the SmackDown specific matches, Steph the Raw specific ones, and as Jess did the hour long Survivor Series match, it’s Steph’s turn to suffer, so she’s got the Rumble. Let’s do this.
Welcome to the Royal Rumble! Making my recapping return after an unintended hiatus for personal reasons, it’s Jess, and Booker T immediately starts singing. Why, Booker. Then Jerry Lawler is saying words – why? Do I have to be here?
Because the Rumble is in San Antonio this year, replacing Corey Graves on the kickoff panel is Shawn Michaels, whose introduction is almost drowned out by a “HBK” chant. Some more words and I’m drinking my coffee rather than listening, when we cut to the social media lounge with Charly Caruso. She implores us not to hold back on #AskAmbrose – I don’t think she really means that. That’s a risk.
Lawler reminds us that it’s only two weeks until Elimination Chamber, so that’s two things I don’t want to be thinking about – Lawler, and the short gap between PPVs. Gosh, the kickoff show is tiresome.
Quick recap on Seth Rollins; he lost his space in the Rumble to Sami Zayn on RAW, then came out to have a little tantrum on NXT Takeover to try to get daddy’s attention. Triple H was very disappointed in him because Seth should know better than to come for him while he’s at work, telling us so on Facebook. Shawn Michaels is faintly concerned about all of this because he doesn’t want to have to say mean things about his best friend and I’m not sure how much he approves of my faintly off-colour ‘daddy’ joke. Not that I’m apologizing. It’s only getting worse from here.
The video package of interesting trivia about the Royal Rumble is largely things that I already knew or had seen before, but I appreciate it anyway. Speaking of three women having been in the rumble over the years, I can’t help but wonder if this is the year for another. I’m looking at you, Emmalina.
As we come back to our expert panel, Shawn Michaels is suggesting that perhaps coming in at number one is not the best. Then Jerry Lawler is saying words. Sorry, I’m not listening.
The RAW Women’s Championship Match video package has Charlotte saying she’s genetically superior, AGAIN. We see Bayley crying over an essay she wrote as a kid, and breaking down over it, and talking about connecting with the fans. Bayley says her lifelong fandom isn’t a negative – clearly she doesn’t know what the fandom is like these days. I rather love Charlotte saying she’s better than all the men, that makes me pretty happy. Bayley points out that she’s won over Charlotte twice, but Charlotte reminds us that her PPV streak is unbroken.
Jerry Lawler says that being likeable doesn’t get things done. As if you’d know anything about that, you potato-headed waste of oxygen. Shawn says that a lot of the ‘legends’ now started as fans, and he doesn’t want to see Charlotte underestimate that. Booker’s behind Charlotte, Lawler’s behind Charlotte, and Shawn’s with Charlotte too. Renee’s on Bayley’s side, though, because Renee’s a sweetheart.
Peter Rosenberg is really excited about the ramp. He looks like a kid on a school trip as he reminds us of the rules of the Royal Rumble match, as if we need to know that yet again. He wants to talk about Rumble surprises, like in 2010, when we got Edge in as a surprise entrant and our winner.
MATCH: Becky Lynch, Nikki Bella & Naomi vs. Alexa Bliss, Mickie James & Natalya
We cut to the commentators and oh, there’s four of them, which means it’s time for SmackDown. Poor Tom Phillips, incidentally ,who still looks like he’s trying to feel included but no one is making room for him.
I’m stalling for time because I don’t want to talk about this match. It’s not that I have a problem with any of these women; quite the opposite in fact. I don’t like there being a six-woman tag match with a thin story, and I hate that Mickie James’ big return is on the kickoff show. We get a brief recap of James’ appearance in the steel cage match and honestly, Naomi is looking incredible tonight. Of course, all the women look great, and Alexa is wearing the new shirt that she’s finally got in the store. Nikki wants to fight Natalya before the tag match even begins, because they’re feuding.
- Nikki kind of gets her wish; she and Natalya start in the ring together, and Natalya mocks the John Cena ‘you can’t see me’ before Nikki strikes her and Natalya tags Alexa.
- Go behind waist lock from Nikki, standing switch from Alexa, then Nikki again, which Alexa breaks with an elbow.
- Nikki with a knee to Alexa’s face for a quick cover, then a tag to Naomi for a pair of dropkicks. Alexa tags in Natalya again.
- Naomi blocks a suplex, so all the other women get involved; the faces triple-suplex the three heels, sending them out of the ring. Naomi flies out after them, knocking them to the floor as we cut to commercial.
- When we’re back, Becky and Nattie are going at it, Nattie going down to a pair of lariats and a leg lariat from Becky. Natalya rolls out of the ring, and Becky follows with a flying forearm before Mickie James throws her into the barricade.
- Suplex from Natalya. I can’t believe I’m recapping a match with Nattie, Nikki, Naomi and Mickie. This is hard to keep straight – not that the women look similar, I just can’t keep my words straight.
- Back in the ring, and Natalya locks in a submission but Becky able to roll out. Not to safety – the heels trap Becky in the corner for some quick tags to keep her beaten down.
- Alexa distracts the referee so Mickie James can attack Becky on the apron. Alexa drags Becky by the hair to make a tag to Natalya, who stops to ‘you can’t see me’ again giving Becky time for a rollup, albeit unsuccessfully.
- Rear chinlock from Natalya, but Becky powers to her feet and fights off with elbows. Michinoku driver from Nattie, then goes for a German suplex, but Becky counters.
- Natalya tags in Alexa, then pulls Nikki off the apron before Becky can make the tag. Small package from Alexa, but Becky kicks out.
- Naomi tags in, dropkicks both Natalya and Mickie off the apron, then lays into Alexa. Mickie James disrupts the pin.
- Bex-ploder from Becky on Mickie, and Alexa and Naomi fight in the corner. Split-legged moonsault from Naomi – for a three count!
- Naomi gets the win for the faces here with a pin on the women’s champion herself, and Becky and Nikki join her for a dance before we cut back to the kickoff panel.
Renee and Booker talk about how amazing Naomi is, which is totally fair, because she is.
We get a video package for the KO vs. Roman match, and personally I’m hoping for there to be a spider in the shark cage with Chris Jericho, so he can enjoy his acrophobia AND his arachnophobia at the same time. Does anyone else think this whole ‘KO and Jericho are best friends’ thing is just rubbing it in Roman’s face that he doesn’t have Dean anymore? He’s probably quite upset about it, I feel like it’s a little unfair. Roman’s sure Kevin can’t beat him one on one, but we saw clearly that he’s capable of more than Roman thinks over the weeks, and this could be where we see Kevin retain cleanly, for once, as it’s no DQ. But our prediction is for Roman, because…. We can.
Charly is backstage talking to Kevin, and Jericho’s annoyed because she didn’t acknowledge him. Well, none of you use her name, so I reckon it’s fair. Jericho brings up the sexy pinata thing again, and also calls himself a sexy nebula and a beautiful cloud. He’s having a gentle freak out, but Kevin helps him calm down, because he’s a good friend. Jericho says he wishes Charly was here, because she’s better than this interviewer… who is Charly, Renee confirms. I appreciate that Renee said that, because no one else ever does.
Shawn Michaels doesn’t think the shark cage is sufficient to keep Jericho from interfering in the match, but Booker tells us that Roman is hungry. Silly Roman, you need to eat before you wrestle. Otherwise you end up grumpy. Actually, I’m kind of hungry. Booker ultimately backs Kevin to win, as does Michaels. I don’t know what Lawler says, there might as well be an empty chair on the panel. Booker also uses the word ‘pugilist’, which causes Rasslin Rae to says she’s impressed he knows what it means.
Somewhere, Peter Rosenberg is trying to say words but he is drowned out by the fans standing around him. Probably for the best, to be honest.
MATCH: Sheamus & Cesaro vs. Anderson & Gallows – Raw Tag Team Championship Match
Well, it’s the normal Raw commentary monstrosity, and Cesaro shows up in what appears to be a gold leaf jacket, and DOESN’T STRIP, which is frankly upsetting. Bioluminescent Sheamus is here, and then it’s okay, because Cesaro does strip, so that’s alright. Cesaro’s shoulder is still taped, which basically makes his shoulder the equivalent of the door at my local hospital, where there’s a sign saying ‘does not work’ but no one does anything about it. We’re reminded that we’ve got two refs because last time these two pairs had a title match, a ref was knocked out, and that meant Gallows and Anderson didn’t get the titles. Gallows and Anderson amble out, and they’re in silver, next to Cesaro’s gold – guess they’re content with second place. Commentary tries to sell us on the WWE Bejeweled clone, but there’s no women in it, so fuck it.
- Bell rings with Cesaro and Anderson in, Cesaro with a quick cover for two, lifting Anderson into a gut-wrench and another cover when the first one doesn’t work. Anderson pushes Cesaro’s throat against the ropes, and Cesaro gets Anderson into the corner, where Sheamus tags in and leaps into the fray, literally.
- Cesaro tagged back in with a body drop from Sheamus and then a stomp from Cesaro. Kicks from Anderson to Cesaro’s jaw, bounced off the turnbuckle as Gallows tags in. Cesaro ducks a clothesline and comes in with a springboard uppercut and a pin for two.
- Sheamus back in, double suplex from the champs, knee from Sheamus to Gallows, who appears, next to Sheamus’ pallor, to be bright red. Cesaro back in, uppercut to Gallows, Sheamus back in and another uppercut, as they trade tags and blows.
- Cesaro coming off the ropes and into a back drop from Gallows, then getting a headbutt, before Cesaro gets a cheap shot to Anderson, then back to Gallows, but the number’s game means Gallows takes Cesaro down and Sheamus off the apron. Cesaro looks stunned in the ring, and we go to commercials.
- Back from commercials, Gallows has Cesaro in the middle of the ring as Cole forgets who’s in which team. Vertical suplex from Gallows, Cesaro struggling to get to Sheamus, but Gallows has the leg. Cesaro rolls through and tags in Sheamus.
- Sheamus comes in with blows for GALLOWS AND Anderson, goes for a corner spot and slams into Gallows, before the ten beats over the ropes. Sheamus goes up, and comes off with a clothesline to pin Gallows for two.
- Sheamus tries to lift Gallows, but Gallows fights out, Cesaro tagged in, a pin for two on Gallows. Cesaro goes for the swing, but is kicked away, Anderson in, slams into Sheamus. Trading near falls between Anderson and Cesaro
- Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer, drop toe-hold by Cesaro, sending Anderson into the ropes. Swiss-1-9 from Cesaro, then cross body off the top rope and a pin for two on Anderson.
- Cesaro goes for the swing, Anderson counters into a backslide and an uppercut, but Cesaro gives him one back. Boot from Cesaro to Gallows, spinebuster by Anderson. Gallows comes in without a tag made, and they go for Magic Killer, but Sheamus breaks it up – and one of the refs is down with a Brogue Kick.
- Cesaro gets the swing on Anderson, second official into the ring, and Cesaro goes for the Sharpshooter, bending Anderson up in the middle of the ring. Gallows comes in, kicking Cesaro hard, to make him release the hold, and Anderson pins Cesaro for two, Sheamus breaking it up.
- There’s some brawling, the ref getting in the way, and then a Magic Killer from Gallows and Anderson. Anderson gets a pin on Cesaro, with a huge handful of trunks – and that’s the win!
Well, okay, I wasn’t expecting that, Gallows and Anderson taking the tag team titles, but hey, tonight is a night for surprises, after all! Sheamus and Cesaro argue in the ring, clearly not happy with what’s just happened, and we go back to our panel of experts.
Booker T tells us that the Club just crashed through the glass ceiling, because I don’t think he knows what words mean. Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels has transformed into excitable schoolchild Peter Rosenberg, as we launch into a retrospective on Randy Orton, showing that in his youth he was exceptionally talented at pointing at WrestleMania signs.
As an aside, I still don’t know what all the names scrolling across the screen during cutaways mean. I doubt it’s entries in the Rumble, as Seth’s name is there. Are they just bragging about their roster? Am I not supposed to notice these things? Who knows?
Austin Aries is taking the empty chair that previously housed that man I’ve been ignoring on the kickoff panel to talk about the Cruiserweight Championship and 205 Live. Booker essentially summarizes Neville’s character arc as that he came in wanting to impress the fans before realizing that won’t get him to the top. Rosenberg starts to have an opinion about the Cruiserweights before realizing he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Don’t worry, Peter. I don’t watch 205 Live either.
Aries thinks that Swann needs to channel a bit of intensity and nastiness of his own if he wants to retain the championship against Neville, but there is a bit of a question if Swann even has that nastiness to channel. The whole panel is united; they think Neville is taking the title tonight.
Our Intercontinental Champion is making the social media lounge his. He says he is not a big fan of social media, but is a big fan of lounging, and he is showing it, swinging his legs in his comfy chair with a big hole in the knee. You would think, given my mad crush on Tyler Breeze that I would understand the meaning of the term ‘fashion sense’, but I’m with Dean on this one.
First of all, Dean tells us that he doesn’t want to redesign the Intercontinental Championship, except that he wants to put a stingray on the back of it. Secondly, his “lunatic strategy” (the question’s words, not mine) for the Royal Rumble is to nuzzle the Big Show’s armpit. There was also something about dinosaurs, but I remember the part about the nuzzling. When asked about whether he’d prefer to face AJ Styles or John Cena, Dean starts talking about waffles. Dean is amazing, okay.
Renee supports her man wanting to nuzzle the Big Show’s armpit because the Big Show is in great shape these days. Once again, look, I don’t know. I’m just reporting what I hear.
MATCH: Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks
Sasha’s out first, and she’s looking gorgeous, and not using any sort of mobility aid, so that’s a good sign, as we recap what’s been going on lately, with Nia calling Sasha a little girl. Now, look, I’m not here for Nia’s gimmick, but still. Michael Cole respects this match by confusing Sasha and Charlotte. Thanks Cole. Out comes Nia, and I feel like I need to try her glittery gold under-eyeliner. Might work on me.
- Sasha and Nia stare each other down as Nia does her entry, and then we’re straight in, Sasha leaping on Nia, who drives her back onto the ropes.
- Nia lifts Sasha like she weighs nothing, side headlock and a whip to the corner, before double knees from Sasha, blows to Nia that seem to do nothing.
- Sasha tries to run the ropes, but Nia picks her up easily, and tosses her across the ring, before knocking her down with a huge clothesline, yelling that she’s the boss.
- Sasha lies uncomfortably still, as the ref checks on her, and we go to commercial, because of course we do.
- Back from commercials, Nia is still throwing Sasha around like she weighs nothing, but Sasha almost gets the Banks Statement locked in, Nia breaking her way free, but getting a kick for her troubles. Nia catches Sasha by the leg and slams a hand into her knee, practically spinning Sasha around. Nia lifts Sasha into a stretch submission, Sasha gets to the ropes and goes for a sunset flip.
- Nia is overwhelmed for a second, headbutting the post and Sasha’s sending lightning quick kicks to her head, and then hits a double knees off the top rope, and a pin for two.
- Forearms from Sasha, then Nia gets her pop-up Samoan Drop – and that’s all she wrote.
Nia looks dominant, Sasha can come back when she’s ‘100%’ later, and they can keep this feud running, but it wasn’t a pure squash, or too short, so I’m happy to accept that as it goes, to be honest. Nia stands proud above Sasha’s fallen body.
Christ, Lawler’s back from whatever skip they put him in when he’s not being used, and we get the Network shilled to us again. Then it’s time to talk about Seth at NXT Takeover for the second time tonight, because it’s not like there’s other things to talk about. I just have no patience for the kickoff show today, I don’t even know why. Renee tells us we’re getting an opinion from Triple H’s better half – Renee, Shawn already said he didn’t know. Oh, right, we’re cutting to Stephanie McMahon. Steph says she’s angry with Seth for being so unprofessional so he’s banned from the Alamodome, making it in my estimation about 70% more likely that we’ll see him than if she hadn’t said anything.
Booker and Lawler both say that they are concerned that Seth’s career won’t survive missing two Rumbles in a row – one from injury, and now this one because of problems with Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. Sami Zayn, on the other hand, is resilient and just won his spot in the Rumble from Seth, so he’s a very plausible contender in the panel’s eyes.
The AJ/Cena feud to date has some very sad music over Cena being defeated and losing confidence in himself before coming back to challenge again. Renee says that Cena has a real goal here; he wants the 16th championship, and feels like the underdog, but then suddenly ‘Sexy Boy’ starts playing and everyone cares even less than they did before about the kickoff panel. Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring and starts stripping. Oh, okay, he was only taking off one item of clothing, but I can dream. Jordan starts singing ‘sexy old man’, before Michaels starts talking.
Michaels talks about himself for a little while, before explaining that he’s not here to talk about himself. He’s wondering, of the thirty ‘gentlemen’ in the Rumble, who is going to main event WrestleMania? I assume that’s a hint that it’s going to be Jack Gallagher.
With three minutes left to go, Renee is excited to finally talk about the actual Royal Rumble match. Peter Rosenberg is yelling names of superstars, finally saying his pick is Brock Lesnar, while Booker and Lawler are both going Undertaker. I want to change our official prediction, I don’t want to agree with Lawler. Renee picks Braun Strowman, meaning she’s going to have some words with Dean later I assume.
MATCH: Charlotte Flair vs. Bayley – Raw Women’s Championship Match
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? NOT CONTENT WITH PUTTING THE FUCKING WOMEN’S MATCHES, TWO OF THEM, ON THE FUCKING PRE-SHOW, YOU’RE PUTTING THE WOMEN ON FIRST?
You know what, I do my best, WWE, I really do, to give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re trying to respect your women, but having all of them in the first two hours, basically, of a six hour show? Fuck off with that. I’m bloody livid. Charlotte looks like our ice queen, and Bayley’s in neon lime, because that’s how she rolls.
The winner of this match is the guy with the sign telling Bayley not to hug Charlotte.
- The girls share a small smile, which reminds you they used to be friends, and then we’re into it, with bayley backing off before they lock up and Charlotte grapples Bayley to the ground, getting a quick cover for one.
- Shoulder tackle to take Bayley down, and Charlotte throws her out of the ring through the ropes, and then beckons her back in. The two shove each other, before Bayley sends Charlotte out roo, and Bayley bounces Charlotte off the ropes, before coming through with a headscissors, both women on the outside.
- Bayley climbs back in, and comes off the second rope hard onto Charlotte, before rolling her back in for a pin for two, Charlotte rolling to the outside to buy time.
- Bayley gets back out, and Charlotte slams into her, twice, into the apron, the glee on Charlotte’s face delightfully evil. She rolls Bayley back in, pin for two, before Charlotte bounces Bayley’s head off the canvas.
- Suplex from Charlotte, another cover, for two, Charlotte whipping Bayley into the corner and going for the patented Flair chop. Headlock onto Bayley, in such a position it looks like Bayley’s wearing a blonde wig. It doesn’t suit her.
- Charlotte gets Bayley’s neck on the ropes and puts a knee on her head, before dropping off the ropes with a knee to Bayley’s face, and a pin for two, as my Network loses focus.
- Charlotte goes for the suplex, Bayley slipping through, pin for two, Charlotte with a neckbreaker and a big boot, pin for two.
- Charlotte shoving Bayley’s face into the mat, with her thighs around Bayley’s head, before locking in a hold, but Bayley bridges, getting Charlotte’s shoulders down.
- Figure Four around the head continuing, Charlotte just throwing Batley around, before going for another cover, for two again. Charlotte with some trash talk, telling Bayley she’s just a fan, but Bayley comes back with a punch.
- Double clothesline off a neckbreaker attempt, both women down hard. Bayley with a chop to Charlotte, but the Queen comes back with harder, stronger chops, getting Bayley in the corner.
- Bayley off the whip from the second rope, arm drag, caught by Charlotte. Springboard cross-body from Bayley, taking Charlotte down hard, and kicks Charlotte off a whip into the ropes.
- Bayley goes to the top rope, but comes off just to stomp on Charlotte, before a pin for two. She goes up again, and comes off with an elbow drop, and a pin for – two and a half, so close!
- Bayley’s hair is trying to escape and it doesn’t seem to be helping her whatsoever, sadly. Charlotte catches Bayley in the knee with a boot, and locks in the Figure Four, trying for the Figure Eight.
- Bayley tries to fight out, to roll Charlotte over, and she manages it, but Charlotte’s close enough to the ropes, reversing it into the Figure Eight, using the ropes before the ref catches her.
- Charlotte’s teeth are bloody, she seems to have split her lip, and she comes back with a boot to Bayley, before stepping easily onto her stomach. Up to the top rope, moonsault, but Bayley got the knees up, pins Charlotte for two!
- The two exchange blows in the corner, Bayley with Charlotte on the ropes, getting her up high, but Charlotte slaps Bayley away. Bayley tries again, Charlotte shoving her, and she tumbles over the ropes and onto the floor. Natural Selection on the apron – and that’s the win!
I’m a little frustrated that they could have gone for something interesting, story-wise, there, and instead, we’re at 16-0 for Charlotte’s streak. But I guess she’ll brag a bit more about it, we’ll see more scrappy Bayley, and then we’ll get the story at WrestleMania? It deserves it, Bayley winning at Mania would be fucking awesome.
MATCH: Kevin Owens vs. Roman Reigns – No Disqualification WWE Universal Championship Match
Oh, christ, it’s me again, one Raw match after another. Rae asked earlier ‘are there an equal number of Raw to SmackDown matches’ and I went ‘No. No there aren’t, and it’s my turn to do the long match, as well’. It’s unfair, but that’s wrestling for you.
Chris Jericho is basically crying with fear about this shark cage as the crowd enthusiastically boos Roman, who somehow looks even wetter than usual. Is he hoping that if he’s slippery, Kevin won’t be able to grab him? Remember, it’s a no DQ match, so KO doesn’t have his advantage, and Jericho – his biggest advantage – is being taken away via shark cage. Considering most metal-looking things in WWE are made of wood painted to look like metal, I’m not surprised Jericho’s a bit uneasy about getting in that cage.
Before the match starts, JeriKO go for Roman, beating him down to make it easier for Kevin later, but Roman fights them both away, slamming Jericho into the cage, before shoving him in there so the ref can lock the door. Roman grins as he raises his thumbs and Jericho sinks down to the bottom of the cage, weeping.
- Match starts, KO ambushing Roman from behind, hard punches to start as Chris calls for Kevin to help him. Easy blows from Owens to Roman, who… comes back with a huge right hand, rolling Owens out of the ring.
- Outside the ring, Roman sends Kevin into the audience, brawling through the crowd and over to the foreign announce tables, Roman using a bollard stand to hit Kevin, before bouncing him off the japanese announce table. Poor Funaki didn’t ask for this.
- Kevin heads back towards the ring, throwing a table piece from the German announce table at Roman, who catches it and throws it back, knocking Kevin down.
- Headbutt from Roman, then bouncing Kevin’s head off the german announce table. Kevin reverses a whip, bouncing Roman into the steps, as he dismantles the Spanish announce table, dropping the cover onto Roman and digging under the ring. He finds a lot of chairs, because, as Jimmy Havoc said of progress, the underside of the ring is like a fucking TARDIS, and hits Roman with a chair.
- Kevin starts to set up chairs, and Cole makes a musical chairs comments (Progress, Finn Balor, anyone?) before Kevin hits Roman with a monitor in the ribs and sends him into the barricades, following up with a cannonball and standing on the Spanish announce table for applause.
- Kevin continues to set up some sort of weird modern art sculpture and my network cuts out HELP.
- When we get back from my Network hating me, Roman is trying to lift Kevin over the ropes after Kevin fails to powerbomb him through his decorative sculpture. Roman tries to fling Kevin over the ropes at the construction, but Kevin fights him off, bouncing Roman off the ropes.
- Kevin rebounds off the ropes, running into a clothesline, then another. Kevin goes shoulder first into the ring post, and collapses in the ring as Roman starts hunting around for more goodies under the ring, coming up with a table.
- Kevin with a backstabber as Roman tries to set up the table, before throwing the table out of the ring. Goes for a cannonball on Roman in the corner, but Roman catches him with a sit-out powerbomb.
- Jericho is up rattling the cage as Roman calls for the Superman Punch. No Superman Punch just yet, but the big dog hits a Drive By on Kevin on the outside.
- Roman sets up the table again, this time on the outside, but collapses on it from a a pair of superkicks from the prizefighter.
- Kevin up on the turnbuckle for a frog splash through the table. The crowd chants ‘Holy Shit!’ and they’re not really wrong.
- Roman rolled back in the ring but kicks out at two. Jericho is still sad in his cage. He should start dancing to pass the time.
- Kevin finds still more chairs under the ring, smacking Roman in the back of the neck with one of them, before wedging it in the corner. Jericho is yelling at Kevin but I’m not sure what he’s looking for.
- Looking for the irish whip into the chair he’s set up, but Roman blocks and hits a series of corner clotheslines in the opposite corner. Big right hand from Roman as Kevin tries to recover, but then Kevin catches Roman with a boot and then a superkick right to the face. Roman hits the chair in the corner, but kicks out of the cover at two.
- Chris Jericho drops brass knuckles onto KO, who goes for a Superman Punch, Roman tries to get the tool away from Kevin, who’s raking the eyes, and even though Kev lays Roman out hard with another Superman Punch attempt, Roman still manages to kick out at two!
- Kevin pulls Roman up by the hair and goes for a pop-up powerbomb on the chair he’s set up, but Roman fights out, and hits a Samoan Drop onto the chair, which buckles it! He pins Kevin – but it’s only for two. Roman wipes the sweat out of his eyes as the two men lie in the ring trying to recover.
- Roman’s to his feet first, Jericho calling for Kevin to get up, and Roman heads out of the ring, throwing the broken table into the barricades, and rummaging under the ring for an unbroken one. He slides it into the ring, and starts setting it up in the corner.
- Kevin gets Roman’s ankle, rolling him up, cover for two, Roman coming back with a Superman Punch, and Kevin kicking out of the resulting pin at two!
- Roman’s in the corner opposite from his table set up, and as Roman goes for the spear, Kevin Owens hits a stunner, Roman down hard, but the pin is STILL only for two!
- Kevin’s first to his feet, Roman coughing like he can’t breathe properly as Kevin comes to stomp over and over on his chest, before a cannonball in the corner, Roman rolling on the apron like he’s utterly broken.
- Kevin looks at his chair sculpture, and goes to the top rope, taking Roman by the hair and lifting up into the ropes, going for the suplex into his masterpiece, Roman trying to block him.
- Roman fights free, and comes in with a huge punch to Kevin, who goes crashing through his own artwork and onto the floor hard. He struggles off the apron and goes to Kevin, before looking at the announce tables. He takes the cover off the English announce table, and drags Kevin up, lifting him high and it’s a powerbomb through the announce table!
- KO appears to be out cold, and Roman rolls him back into the ring, in the corner, readying himself – and Braun Strowman appears, grabbing Roman by the ankles and chokeslamming him on the german announce table!
- Strowman shoves Roman into the ring, ending him through the table Roman set up, before climbing out of the ring and walking off like nothing happened. Kevin crawls into a lax cover on Roman – and that’s the win!
Well, you can’t fault them for storytelling! A hell of a match, even if my Network decided it didn’t want me to watch some of it, but Jericho is slowly lowered back to the floor, dancing like people need to throw dollar bills at him, as Kevin clings to his title, almost in tears as he holds it close. Jericho is released, and goes to his best friend, the pop as they’re reunited and basically spoon on the canvas. After we’re gifted with the replay, Chris and Kevin are standing, Roman spitting what looks like bloody spittle before he takes a small nap on his own arm and the ref goes to check on him. Chris helps his best friend up the ramp, clutching the cursed flesh belt.
Enzo is in a white jacket and trying to do his own accent with a southern twang, and it’s a KFC advert with him and Cass. I’ve got KFC in the fridge right now, but no time to reheat it and eat some more. Ah, life. Still, there’s a small black cat here, sleeping peacefully behind my laptop. She’ll do. (I still liked the Dolph/Miz KFC ad better.)
It’s time for more Royal Rumble trivia. We’ve already watched this at least once tonight, but I like learning things.
Mick Foley and Stephanie McMahon are despairing for the fact that the shark cage didn’t appear to help. Sarah helpfully contributes “Did he get attacked by a shark? No? Then it worked.” Then Daniel and Shane appear, to decide who gets to enter at number one. Sami Zayn makes his way out to join them and this can’t possibly be good for him.
Daniel Bryan tells Sami to grab his ball, and then makes a blue balls comment. Dean shows up asking for churros, and now I fucking want churros. Dean just takes whatever one he wants and tells them all he’s having a nap. Dean opens Sami’s ball for him, and it’s number eight! Dean refuses to open his, saying it’s a surprise, and heads off for his nap.
MATCH: Rich Swann vs. Neville – Cruiserweight Championship Match
We get a video package where Neville is wonderful and glorious and I love him and his accent so much, and I just want him to win the belt and be marvellous. Neville says he’s been impressed by Rich Swann, and Rich says that he’s always thought Neville had integrity. This whole thing of mutual respect lasts right until Neville says that Rich is getting the attention and acclaim that Neville deserves, instead. Rich says he feels betrayed, and it’s heartbreaking, but Neville doesn’t give a shit, frankly. Neville says there are no heroes, the monsters win. Fuuuuck, that’s good, that sends shivers down my spine.
- Neville’s straight in, the two men circling before locking up, Neville driving Rich back before they swap places. The crowd chants for Neville. Well, one bloke does and some people join in.
- Leapfrog from Neville, swatting aside a dropkick by Swann, but getting caught with the second. Both men to the outside, hard, Neville on the back foot as Swann slams his head into the apron.
- Neville gets Swann in the corner, stomping on him, before dragging him out for a body slam, leaving Swann on his back. Neville goes to the outside, climbing high, and coming off with a missile dropkick, pinning Swann for two.
- Neville stomps on Rich’s neck, holding him there, and then goes for another cover, for one this time.
- Swann hits out at Neville, who won’t take that, lifting him, but there’s a rolling crucifix from Swann, before Neville goes for a submission, Rich making the ropes. Kicks to the head from Neville.
- Neville with an awesome snap suplex, Swann crawling across the ring before Neville comes in with corner forearms and another cover, for two. He takes Rich by the hair, and hits hard elbows down, then locks in a headlock in the middle of the ring.
- Nevile with a knee to Rich’s forehead, and then we’re into a chinlock from neville, saying it’s too easy – isn’t that an Aussie saying? Neville, have you been hanging out with Billie and Peyton?
- Rich fires back with punches, followed by chops, whipping Neville towards the ropes, but he holds on. Rich comes at him, sent over the ropes, and thrown into the barricades by Neville twice. Props to the mouthy kid shouting for Rich, telling Neville to make him shut up.
- Neville hears the count and rolls Rich back into the ring, coming off the top rope into a Swansong Superkick, catching Neville right on the chin and knocking him down flat. Both men are down in the ring.
- Rich to his feet first, a kick and then a hurricanrana, and Neville goes to the outside, but Swann comes off the top rope to the outside in a twisting 450 splash, Swann limping back into the ring after rolling Neville in.
- Neville struggles to his feet, and drops him to the mat, powerful punches before two hard kicks from Swann take Neville down for a pin for two.
- Neville with a back elbow to Rich, who respond with a running lariat, and then a jumping frogsplash (tadpole splash? really?), cover for – two and a half!
- I don’t really need to hear about Rich Swann’s sad personal backstory, honestly, but okay.
- Rich goes to the top rope, Neville dragging him down hard, and Neville climbs the ropes too, going for a superplex, but Swann pushes Neville away, who flips to land on his feet.
- Kick from Swann, but Neville comes back with his own, the two circling before Swann gets a hard kick in, and Neville’s down flat. He’s pinned for two, but gets his foot on the ropes just in time.
- Swann goes to the top rope, Neville climbing up to meet him, and it’s a HUGE superplex, and Neville gets the pin for two. He locks in the new submission he’s been using since he came back, that no one seems to have a name for yet – and Rich Swann taps out!
Yes! Hot heel Neville takes the win and our hearts and the fucking title! He refuses to let go of the submission until he’s made to, and then he climbs to the top rope and holds that gorgeous purple title up high! Neville is our king, and we couldn’t be happier!
The New Day are watching movies on VuDu. Just so we know.
MATCH: AJ Styles vs. John Cena – WWE Championship Match
I realise now why Tom Phillips looks so hopelessly out of place on the panel. In addition to being kind of stuck on the end of the table awkwardly, his suit is a different colour to the other SmackDown Live commentators. My team of viewers with me gently mocks me as I imitate AJ Styles on his way to the ring.
- The two men circle each other, and Cena feints a jab at AJ, who runs backwards like Shane McMahon.
- AJ gets in with a kick to the knee, and Cena floors AJ with a clothesline then throws hm into the corner for some more strikes.
- Opposite corner, and Cena runs after him, but AJ counters with an elbow that knocks Cena off his feet, following up with a stomp.
- Another strikes to keep Cena off his feet, then a knee drop to Cena’s head.
- Cena sits up, and AJ sends him back down with a knee to the back and another knee drop, then taunts the crowd – this is why they call him the face that runs the place and the champ that runs the camp.
- More ‘you can’t see me’ taunts and another knee drop, but Cena rolls out of the way and takes AJ down with a back body drop.
- AJ up in the fireman’s carry, but lands on his feet from the AA, and follows up with an enzuigiri.
- A strike knocking Cena back to the ground as he gets to his feet, and AJ taunts some more, but Cena ducks the second strike and knocks AJ down with a flying shoulder tackle, then AJ counters his next offense into a beautiful hurricanrana.
- Clothesline from AJ in the corner, then a two-count cover.
- AJ setting up for the Styles Clash, but Cena fights him off and hits the slam on his second attempt.
- Cena signals for the five knuckle shuffle, but AJ gets to his feet and hits a German suplex then a wheelbarrow facebuster; two count cover.
- Elbows and kicks from AJ, then Cena knocks him down with a running lariat, signalling for the Five Knuckle Shuffle again.
- AJ up in the fireman’s carry, but slips over the ropes to block the AA; the two men fight it out on the turnbuckle, but AJ slips between his legs and picks Cena up for an Argentine powerbomb into a jackknife cover for a two-count.
- AJ adjusts his elbow pad for the Phenomenal Forearm, but misses; Cena hits the AA, but AJ kicks out at two.
- Cena looking furious and disdainful as he flexes at AJ threateningly, before he knocks AJ’s head right off his shoulders with a running lariat.
- More threatening flexing as AJ struggles to his feet; AJ ducks the second lariat and hits a Pele Kick.
- AJ fires at Cena from across the ring, but Cena sends him to the apron. Phenomenal Forearm – Cena kicks out at two. Sarah admires the paleness of both competitor’s armpits.
- Kick to Cena’s knee as he gets up, then to his jaw. Cena still catches AJ in a facebuster, however, and both men take a moment to recover.
- Strikes back and forth, and AJ goes for the Styles Clash but Cena reverses into a fireman’s carry, but AJ slips out into the Calf Crusher!
- Cena flips and reverses into the STF, AJ scrambles for the ropes but Cena drags him back into the middle of the ring. AJ manages to reverse into a jackknife cover for two, then locks in his own STF on Cena.
- Cena gets to his feet and adjusts AJ into a proper fireman’s carry, then into the electric chair – AJ tries to reverse into a hurricanrana, but Cena seamlessly transitions into the Figure Four. AJ tries to fight out, and finally manages to lock into the armbar.
- Cena gets to his feet, taking AJ with him, then throws AJ down in a powerbomb. In other news, the announcers have their table back. I know we were all concerned.
- Selling the knee and the breathless exhaustion, Cena climbs up to the turnbuckle for a missile dropkick, which AJ counters into a powerbomb. Almost immediately, he hits the Styles Clash. Cena kicks out at two!
- Springboard 450 splash, but Cena’s got his knees up! Sunset flip powerbomb – AJ kicks out at two.
- Fireman’s carry neckbreaker from AJ, and Cena kicks out at two. AJ sets up for the Styles Clash again, but Cena counters and hits a side slam.
- Cena sets AJ up on the turnbuckle for the Super AA, but AJ kicks out at two and a half, earning a real genuine pop from the room full of smarks I’ve found myself in.
- Cena goes for another AA, but AJ reverses into the Styles Clash. Rather than go for the cover immediately, he goes for the Phenomenal Forearm – Cena catches him and hits two AAs in a row – AJ can’t kick out of that! CENA IS OUR NEW CHAMPION!
That’s sixteen championships for John Cena, and he doesn’t seem to quite believe it as the referee tries to hand it to him. Before his hand is raised in triumph, he scoops the referee into a hug. Cena goes into the crowd to hand his championship to a Make A Wish kid in the crowd, then stops to hand his wristband to a kid near the ramp before going backstage.
MATCH: THE ROYAL RUMBLE
For this match, Steph will bring you play by numbers, and Jess will bring you the opinions of friend Sarah, who has the best funny names for wrestlers, and is marvellous. You’re all very welcome.
Oh, fuck, it’s fucking Jerry Lawler calling this. Fuck’s sake. I can’t even mute him. Fuck’s sake. I’m not allowed to call the whole match as ‘shut up Lawler’ but trust me, I’m going to fucking want to.
- So, #1 is Big Cass, entering early and out early, most likely, and they go through the spiel, and I don’t care, because WWE made us hate them. #2 is Chris Jericho, he saunters out and doesn’t need to talk to us, because we all know who he is. Corey Graves looks at Lawler and Cole like he’s planning on digging a couple of graves under the announce table and burying them.
- Cass smacks Jericho around for a bit, and play-by-play is going be limited for this match, because frankly, it’s a shitshow trying to do a Rumble like that, but there’s an Empire Elbow that misses and Jericho goes for Walls of Jericho.
- #3 is Kalisto! Hello tiny darling, I have a feeling you’re not going to last very long in the ring with one big bloke and one even bigger bloke. He comes in with kicks to Jericho, a nice handspring rebound kick, and Cass sends him onto the apron easily, a kick hitting Cass in return.
- #4 is Mojo Rawley, who goes for Cass early on, while Jericho and Kalisto sprawl in the corners. Jericho and Mojo lift Cass, a leg each, but don’t get him over the ropes.
- #5 is Jack Gallagher! Hello darling, I love you! He comes in with William III, the umbrella, and is marvellous, before Jericho takes him down. Jack responds by smacking Jericho in the balls with the brolly.
- #6 is Mark Henry, and he doesn’t run down to the ring, which is sensible. Everyone’s crumpled in the ring, making sure they have a quick rest before things get tricky. Mark Henry starts to take everyone down, getting a good cheer from his home state crowd, and Jack Gallagher opens his brolly, leaps off the top rope and JACK GALLAGHER IS ELIMINATED BY MARK HENRY.
- #7 is Braun Strowman, so shit’s about to get real! He stalks down and everyone sort of pauses, and we see the sign ‘Free rides on Braun next door’. Nice. MOJO RAWLEY IS ELIMINATED BY BRAUN STROWMAN. BIG CASS IS ELIMINATED BY BRAUN STROWMAN. KALISTO IS ELIMINATED BY BRAUN STROWMAN.MARK HENRY IS ELIMINATED BY BRAUN STROWMAN. During this, Chris Jericho has decided to hang around commentary.
- #8 is Sami Zayn, and of course these two would come straight into blows for this, and it feels like a match, because Jericho isn’t getting involved, and this is pretty awesome. We’re reminded that Sami was eliminated by Strowman last year, so this is REALLY personal now.
- #9 is Big Show! Um, Sami, darling, I’m sure you know what you’re doing, but these are two REALLY big men, and you’re not that big, darling. Braun and Big Show lock eyes, and god, Big Show looks good. You can see respect in Strowman’s eyes, even when he gets chokeslammed. Jericho comes back in, goes for a Codebreaker, and gets slammed to the mat. Sami lies crumpled in the corner as Strowman slooowly rolls Big Show over the ropes. BIG SHOW IS ELIMINATED BY BRAUN STROWMAN.
- #10 is TYE FUCKING DILLINGER! Yes! I’m so fucking glad they did this AND gave him spot number ten, and he throws himself at Strowman, with no fear. Sami comes in to join the fight, and they take it in turn to smack into Strowman.They go for a double suplex, but Braun hits them with it instead.
- #11 is James Ellsworth, with Carmella at his side, and she tells him to get in the ring, but he’s not sure he wants to. Sami and Tye tip Strowman over the ropes while he’s distracted, but he manages to hold on and stay in it.
- #12 is Dean Ambrose! Hello Deano! He half bounces, half runs down to the ring, walking to the cringing Ellsworth, and trying to send him into the ring, and then waits until he slides in, and doesn’t follow him. JAMES ELLSWORTH IS ELIMINATED BY BRAUN STROWMAN. Dean takes to the top rope for an elbow to Strowman, and now there’s three dudes trying to take out Strowman. Lawler calls it a triple team, but that’s not right, that’s what happens when the Shield all fuck the same person, right?
- #13 is Baron Corbin, whose music I literally don’t even recognise slightly, and he jogs down to fight Braun over who has the ugliest trousers on. TYE DILLINGER IS ELIMINATED BY BRAUN STROWMAN. Sorry Tye, but we all loved you and popped for you, so it’s okay. Sami hits a Helluva Kick and BRAUN STROWMAN IS ELIMINATED BY BARON CORBIN. Jericho is down on the outside, with two refs on him, I didn’t see what happened to him, but he looks hurt.
- #14 is Kofi Kingston, the man whose gymnastics literally make the Rumble interesting. He comes in with a dropkick to Sami, and throws him over, but Dean throws out Kofi, and everyone hangs onto the ropes for a bit.
- #15 is The MIz, with Maryse, who looks like the best dominatrix ever. Miz comes in, kicking people around for a bit, before Baron Corbin hits Deep Six (one of my favourite songs), and then Corbin takes to Kofi, who goes to the top rope, then the top ring post, but as he jumps away from Corbin, he lands belly-first on the post. He comes back in and hits Trouble in Paradise on Corbin.
- #16 is Sheamus, who sprints down to the ring, sliding in and going straight for Miz, then just takes down everyone he can see. Jericho slides back in, looking dazed – it was the chokeslam from Big Show that made him roll out, I think, but he seems to be actually okay, he was clearly just having a nap on the outside… though he slumps on the apron like he’s dead after a Brogue Kick from Sheamus, and is back on the outside, one hand on the apron, soon enough.
- #17 is Big E, and the guy with the ‘Big E, please don’t dance sign’ is a jerk. Big E spanks Miz, which, looking at his wife, is probably what he likes. Big E and Kofi join forces against Miz, but he stays in.
- #18 is Rusev! Hello big pussycat (look, the same cyrillic for matchka in Serbian means cat, I can’t unhear it), and Lana walks him in, too. I hope Lana and Maryse are backstage with Carmella, having cocktails and gossiping.
- #19 is Cesaro, and I’m disappointed he doesn’t strip for us for a second time tonight, but in he comes, swinging Miz in the ring, then Sami, then Dean, then Kofi, then Big E, but that seems to have made him dizzy – but he still tries for Corbin as well!. Then he goes to swing Sheamus, but Sheamus begs him not to. While he’s deciding, Rusev kicks him in the face. Miz and Dean look like they’re trying weird sex as Miz tries to get Dean over the ropes.
- #20 is Xavier Woods, and dear GOD I’d almost forgotten how fucking hot he is without a shirt. There’s mostly chaos, with Sami curled in the corner having a nap until Dean comes to interrupt. Miz gets messed up by the whole of The New Day.
- #21 is Bray Wyatt, who can apparently order the lights cut at any time. He takes Miz down hard, then Dean, then Cesaro, Rusev, Sheamus… Xavier stares at him, and we see that moment of fear again, but Xavier almost eats a Sister Abigail, before taking a clothesline.
- #22 is Apollo Crews, who I’d honestly forgotten existed, but that’s because I don’t watch SmackDown, to be fair. How many bloody people are we going to put in this ring, I know we’ve got 45mins left, but I figured at least 15mins of that would be given over to Seth and Triple H. THE NEW DAY ELIMINATED BY SHEAMUS AND CESARO. SHEAMUS AND CESARO ELIMINATED BY CHRIS JERICHO! Sarah helpfully encourages Sheamus and Cesaro to make out as they go nose to nose outside the ring, because “they’re so hot together”.
- #23 is Randy Orton, in to support his creepy cult leader father figure, and hits an RKO on Corbin, Rusev, Sami – Bray stands proud in the Wyatt pose.
- #24 is Dolph Ziggler, whose highlights are much better than the brunette he had before, and he slides in to superkick everyone, although Rusev’s not really taking it. He double DDTs Jericho and Crews, and then it’s a load of superkicks for everyone. Miz almost hits the floor, but survives
- #25 is Luke Harper, who runs in like he’s watching his bus pull away, and Bray doesn’t look all that happy about it, nor does Randy, and Randy looks at Harper, but he just gets to work. APOLLO CREWS ELIMINATED BY LUKE HARPER. Now they lock eyes, Bray trying to keep his boys from fighting, and teaching the to share their toys and Harper lariats Bray and then smacks into Randy! Fuck! Luke goes for a Sister Abigail, and Orton grabs him in an RKO! Holy shit, Luke Harper has broken his programming!
- #26 is Brock Lesnar and I don’t give a shit, frankly. Heyman walks him out, but he actually comes down to the ring, so I guess he’s not invited to Maryse and Lana’s cocktail party. Probably talks too much. DEAN AMBROSE, DOLPH ZIGGLER ELIMINATED BY BROCK LESNAR. Miz and Randy eat F5s.
- #27 is Enzo Amore. And I don’t give a shit. Enzo eventually gets into the ring and Brock hits him with a clothesline that basically snaps Enzo’s spine. ENZO AMORE ELIMINATED BY BROCK LESNAR.
- #28 is Goldberg, so the old man Rumble is officially started now, I guess. I mean, I like the guy, but I also just…. I wanted Joe, or Finn, or Tyler fucking Bate, okay? Spear from Goldberg to Lesnar. GOLDBERG ELIMINATES BROCK LESNAR. Brock stares at him from the ramp, looking like he can’t believe it. Jackhammer from Goldberg to Sami, then Bray and Randy try to take Goldberg down. Double spear from Goldberg.
- #29 is The Undertaker, and I wonder how long his entrance is going to take, because it’s normally about five minutes, which I don’t begrudge him, but…. He’s suddenly in the ring! He goes for Goldberg, but Corbin and Rusev break it up. GOLDBERG ELIMINATES RUSEV. BARON CORBIN ELIMINATED BY UNDERTAKER. LUKE HARPER ELIMINATED BY GOLDBERG. GOLDBERG ELIMINATED BY UNDERTAKER. Come on, Samoa Joe at 30, come on, please?
- #30 is Roman Reigns. Well, that’s fucking disappointing, I guess they figured he was going to get booed anyway, so they might as well make it easy…. Oh fuck, please don’t let Roman eliminate Taker. Please no. The crowd is chanting that this is bullshit, which it totally is, but what a troll move, as Jimmy Havoc points out on twitter, had us all holding our breaths.
- THE MIZ IS ELIMINATED BY UNDERTAKER. SAMI ZAYN IS ELIMINATED BY UNDERTAKER. Chokeslam from Taker to Jericho. THE UNDERTAKER IS ELIMINATED BY ROMAN REIGNS. Well, that’s Roman’s career dead, frankly, because no one is EVER going to forgive him that, and the bullshit chants are LOUD.
- CHRIS JERICHO IS ELIMINATED BY ROMAN REIGNS(?) and now there’s three. Randy Orton, Bray Wyatt, and Roman Reigns. Come on, let’s have a Bray win, please? Randy hits his suspended DDT on Roman, and Bray – BRAY WYATT IS ELIMINATED BY ROMAN REIGNS. RKO from Randy –
- RANDY ORTON WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE.
- Big Cass. Eliminated by Braun Strowman.
- Chris Jericho. For the record, Sarah really hates Jericho. She has no funny commentary on him. Eliminated by Roman Reigns.
- Kalisto. Eliminated by Braun Strowman.
- Mojo Rawley. Sarah wants him to slip over on the way to the ring. Eliminated by Braun Strowman.
- Jack Gallagher. Sarah cried out “TEA AND CRUMPETS!” when she saw him. Eliminated by Mark Henry.
- Mark Henry. When Sarah first saw him, she called him ‘disappointment ball’ because she wanted him to be a ‘wrecking ball’ – she’s just cried out ‘Redemption ball!’ at the sight of him. Eliminated by Braun Strowman.
- Braun Strowman – “such a big pony!” in Sarah’s words. Eliminated by Baron Corbin.
- Sami Zayn. Eliminated by the Undertaker.
- The Big Show. (“He and Strowman are just eye-fucking each other. Staring into each other’s eyes. Fight, already.”) Eliminated by Braun Strowman.
- Tye Dillinger. Sarah very disdainfully says “Oh, it’s THAT dude.” Eliminated by Braun Strowman.
- James Ellsworth (with Carmella). Eliminated by Braun Strowman.
- Dean Ambrose. Eliminated by Brock Lesnar.
- Baron Corbin. Eliminated by the Undertaker.
- Kofi Kingston. Eliminated by Cesaro and Sheamus.
- The Miz. Eliminated by the Undertaker.
- Sheamus. Eliminated by Chris Jericho.
- Big E. Eliminated by Cesaro and Sheamus.
- Rusev (with Lana). Eliminated by Goldberg.
- Cesaro. Sarah is indignant that he’s already stripped, because her dollars are going to waste. Eliminated by Chris Jericho.
- Xavier Woods. “Oh, it’s my P-h-bae! My bae-h-D!” “Why?” “Because he’s my bae and he’s got a PhD! Doctor Bae!” Eliminated by Cesaro and Sheamus.
- Bray Wyatt. Eliminated by Roman Reigns.
- Apollo Crews. Eliminated by Luke Harper.
- Randy Orton – WINNER
- Dolph Ziggler. “Where’s Fandango?” “With Tyler, probably.” “Isn’t that Tyler?”. Eliminated by Brock Lesnar.
- Luke Harper. “He looks like Nicolas Cage from Con Air. Go Nick Cage!” Eliminated by Goldberg.
- Brock Lesnar. “Why does he have that thumb in a suit with him? We know it’s Brock Lesnar!” Eliminated by Goldberg.
- Enzo Amore. Eliminated by Brock Lesnar.
- Goldberg. Eliminated by the Undertaker.
- The Undertaker. Eliminated by Roman Reigns.
- Roman Reigns. Eliminated by Randy Orton.
What the… I just…. Sorry, look, there were so many possibilities for this, and you went with THAT? Also, we’ve got at least 20mins left by my count, so – no? That’s the end, you say? Well… fuck.
I don’t want to be miserable after such a good PPV, but the ending sort of sucked all the wind out of me! I guess we’ll see what the fallout of all of this is tomorrow and Tuesday, and maybe we’ll also see Seth come up against Triple H! See you for Raw!