Hey everyone! Sora filling in for Steph again because I love RAW that much. Let’s get this over with.
We open with a JeriKO package that reminds me of circa 2000s shipping AMVs. It shows Jericho and KO beating Roman for the US championship title because teamwork makes the dream work.
Michael Cole welcomes us and we are starting up with Roman again. Oh my god I think I heard a wolf whistle for Roman. Beautiful.
They’re showing off the shark cage for Jericho again.
Someone made a cardboard cut out for Roman! That’s really cute.
Roman begins circling around the shark cage symbolically, like an underwater creature that circles shark cages. He declares he’s gonna be the next Universal champ and KO comes out with Jericho in tow. KO asks if Roman’s okay, like a buddy. Jericho tries to count with his fingers.
KO lists all the power bombs Roman has done over the years and then says he is the ONLY person to powerbomb Roman. Good thing he didn’t list all the power bottoms Roman’s done, would’ve brought a blush to Seth’s cheek.
Chris has the mic and calls Roman Nostradamus and a stupid idiot in the same sentence. Jericho reminds us he has the US title and honestly I forgot that despite being reminded about it 5 minutes ago. Jericho says he’s gonna be a sexy piñata and he’s gonna beat up Roman.
Roman takes this to mean it’s a rematch. The crowd is going wild and I am very happy for my big son.
KO accepts Roman’s challenge on Chris’ behalf. Chris doesn’t look sure about this but KO is so enthusiastic and optimistic.
MATCH: Cesaro vs. Luke Gallows
Back from commercial to see a happy Cesaro and a Sheamus, looking mohawk as ever. Ah, I see Sheamus taught Cesaro the secret to being bioluminescent. (Steph: I hope it’s not semen-related.)
Looks like we’re getting a singles match between Cesaro and Gallows.
- Cole announces we’re getting a tag team championship at the Royal Rumble kick off show. Ouch.
- Honestly I’m pretty sure I have panties that look like Cesaro’s trunks.
- A corkscrew uppercut to Gallows with an attempted pin, kick out at two.
- Cesaro manages to pick up Gallows, nice.
- Gallows picks up and throws Cesaro.
- Running uppercut to Gallows.
- Oh no, only twenty minutes in and I’m yawning.
- I think I watch UK commercials more than I watch American ones.
- We’re back from break to see apparently Sheamus chased Anderson off the ramp. That scary Irish ginger, he’ll get ya.
- Gallows is in control.
- Cesaro gets a vertical suplex on Gallows, Corey Graves sounding aroused and scared.
- Lots of elbow uppercuts to a cornered Gallows
- My stream died but twitter told me Gallows won.
My stream is back to hear Stephanie on speakerphone.
Sami Zayn! Is here. And apparently has to earn his way into the royal rumble in a match against Seth. Because according to Stephanie McMahon that’s how it works? Remember when Taker and Big Show and fucking Goldberg and Lesnar had inconsequential matches to see if they were gonna be in the royal rumble?
If Sami isn’t in the rumble then what’s the fucking point?
We come back to see Bayley was interviewed earlier today by Corey Graves, and she’s talking about being part of the wrestling fandom as a kid. I want to read Bayley’s HHH/HBK fanfic.
I can’t take Corey Graves seriously with this hair cut.
Okay yeah we get it Bayley loves with all her heart and is the ultimate fan living the dream.
MATCH: Seth Rollins vs. Sami Zayn
Here is Seth Rollins looking angrily at his wrists. Seth confused as to why he has to fight Sami. I’m also confused.
Ah what the fuck if Sami wins he gets Seth’s spot, great. Sami’s losing.
We’re at commercial and my cat wants to play fetch. It’s adorable.
- Ah the Sami/Seth match is now I guess. Here come’s Seth’s entrance.
- Sami!!! My happy, Canadian son.
- Oh my gosh I’m sorry I’m so out of it I’ve been writing a speech all day.
- There’s a little murmur of olé chants for some reason.
- I love tests of strengths, when they awkwardly clasps hands.
- The crowd is divided.
- I want Sami to win. He deserve something nice.
- Seth has begun stripping. He’s only taken off his wrist bandage but it’s a start.
- Suicide dive to Sami outside the ring. Noooo.
- I got distracted by a Voltron comic sorry.
- They’re still fighting. Seth looking all sweaty and pretty. So so pretty.
- I think Byron spoke in tongues for a second there.
- Ah that was a pretty DDT from Sami.
- “This is awesome” chants.
- Seth goes for a pedigree from the top rope but Sami counters with a sunset flip power bomb.
- Cole says that Sami has confidence oozing out of his body. I don’t think that’s confidence, darling.
- Seth goes for a pedigree on the apron, damn.
- THE GAME IS HERE.
- Rollins is freaking the fuck out. But Sami takes advantage of the distracted Seth to get the pin!!! Sami Zayn is going to be in the Royal Rumble match! I have a reason to smile again!
Also the Game isn’t here. Sad face. He’s probably busy kissing Trump’s ass.
I can’t believe Shawn Michaels won the Royal Rumble from my birth year.
We come back to a backstage segment of Seth running around shirtless claiming everything to be a conspiracy theory.
MATCH: Ariya Daivari, Drew Gulak & Tony Nese vs. Mustafa Ali, TJ Perkins & Jack Gallagher
Cruiserweight time! A promo for Mustafa Ali plays and I already love him. He’s fighting with TJ Perkins and Jack Gallagher. Huh, TJ Perkins still does the dab thing I guess. Oh hey Jack’s from Manchester, cool. Wow all boys from Manchester are fucking pale aren’t they. Steph knows what I’m talking about.
- Jack Gallagher and I can’t be related right? Thinking ungentlemanly thoughts about him has to be okay right?
- The flips are impressive as always.
- A cruiserweight brawl looks like a beautifully choreographed ballet.
- Ali wins with an impressive move with lots of flips that Cole didn’t really enunciate well.
New Day are full of shenanigans. Watch the latest UpUpDownDown with Takahata101 from Team Four Star and Matt from Super Best Friends Play, to see Xavier admit he would sacrifice Kofi and Big E for power.
Awww awkward white dancing and shoving cereal into the throats of children. That’s what the New Day is all about.
Xavier’s hips give me life.
Here comes Enzo and Big Cass. I dunno I guess they got tired of fighting Rusev.
I love how tiny Enzo looks next to Big Cass.
Is Enzo wearing a belt under his titties?
Oh I guess Cass is in the Royal Rumble match.
Why is Rusev here. At least Lana’s here too. Also Jinder Mahal.
Rusev calls himself handsome Rusev.
Awww Big E looks like Little E next to Cass.
MORE PENIS JOKES AND USA CHANTS AWESOME.
Rusev is in the Royal Rumble.
Here comes Titus.
Why can Rusev and Cass just announce they’re in the rumble and Titus has to fight for it?
I think Xavier challenged Titus to fight. Like a real fight. Outside with no cameras or refs.
My stream died but I think the only thing I missed was a sexist joke aimed toward Lana.
Here comes the Strowman here to scream at all of us.
MATCH: Braun Strowman, Rusev, Jinder Mahal & Titus O’Neil vs. The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston), Enzo Amore & Big Cass
- We’re back from commercial to the 8 man tag match.
- I think Corey’s making racist jokes but I keep spacing out so I can’t really tell.
- There’s a brawl in the ring, Big E able to take down Titus
- God it feels like every time I blink someone new is in the ring.
- Corey Graves is very excited to see his Enzo/Braun fanfic come to life.
- Braun managed to pin Enzo for the win.
THE BIG SHOW???
Is anyone else haunted by that pic of Big Show’s abs he posted today?
Strowman and Big Show in the ring staring each other down, circling each other like. Two. Big animals. Strowman breaks his magnetic gaze with Big Show and leaves Big Show in the ring standing taller than Braun.
Cole has gone on for like 10 minutes about the WWE network. I slowly blink, watching my free online stream.
Oh my god Lawler and Shawn Michaels are going to be on commentary for the RAW Kick Off show. Jesus Christ.
Jesus no women tonight, I guess, it’s been two hours.
MATCH: Chris Jericho vs. Roman Reigns – United States Championship Match
Jericho looks like a guy who goes on sugar daddy sites.
Roman comes out to noise that I cant really make out for boos or cheers. He looks perfect as always gosh.
- KO is on commentary. He’s so vocally upset with Byron.
- Chris and KO just called each other baby and did a long distance high five. I’ve never had a guy treat me that well.
- Kevin Owens hates everyone but Chris.
- I think there was a botch but Chris and Roman recovered and just punched each other on the face. Like professionals.
- KO is sweating, I think he’s gonna have an aneurism or something. Deciding he’s had enough, KO rips off his headphones and stalks into the ring. He begins punching the crud out of Roman for hurting Jericho.
- Roman Wins by DQ, but KO and Jericho stay to beat him up.
Kevin calls for the cage to be brought down and he and Jericho attempt to lock Roman in. Roman is able to get out of the cage and locks KO in the shark cage. The cage goes up and Chris and KO attempt to hold onto each other.
I guess Roman’s just gonna leave him there.
After commercial break we see KO escape the ring and we have an announcement from Mick Foley that it’ll be a no DQ match. The interviewer looks dazed and confused over why these Canadians are yelling at her.
We have another interview that was filmed earlier today, this time with Charlotte. Charlotte saying that the Flairs won championships while the Bayley’s sat on couches.
MATCH: Nia Jax vs. Ray Lyn
Gasp. A real life woman. And only two and half hours in.
- Nia Jax goes into the ring, standing tall and confident. She’s fighting a local girl, Ray Lyn.
- “Let’s go Jobber,” and “Let’s go Nia” chants competing.
- And it’s over.
Women’s Evolution my ass.
Nia takes the mic and dedicates her victory to Sasha Banks’ dead career.
There are what chants and I’m gonna punch someone.
Sasha comes out with a crutch. And then psych, she doesn’t need the crutch she just brought it out as a weapon. Well. Okay. After a quick Nia take down Sasha walks back up the ramp.
Ugh do not tell me Goldberg is gonna talk for like twenty minutes.
Oh hey, another cruiserweight segment, nice.
Emmalina stop stop. I can’t take these promos anymore.
Oh my god Corey shut up don’t be fucking gross.
MATCH: Rich Swann vs. Noam Dar
Rich Swann please purify this ring.
- He’s so happy!! It makes me happy.
- And here comes Noam Dar with Alicia FOOOOOOOXXXX.
- “Noam likes the hot chocolate” someone just shoot Austin.
- Rich Swann goes for a suicide dive, but Noam successfully hides behind Alicia.
- Marek Brave just tweeted he’ll let Seth Rollins throw Black & Brave students over the top rope to make him feel better. What a good boyfriend.
- Back from commercial with Noam Dar in control. A lot of fast, flippy action, Swann looking strong going into the cruiserweight championship match on Sunday.
- Rich Swann pins Noam for the win.
He stays in the ring calling for Neville, calling him a jester instead of a king.
Neville runs out, but stops at the apron. He attempts to leave, but Rich Swann suicide dives after him. Neville eventually escapes with Rich’s theme playing us out.
Cedric Alexander is going to be facing Neville tomorrow, happy to have all this Noam/Alicia Fox stuff behind-
Oh and here comes Alicia.
Fawksy. Ohhh no Noam’s so cute.
Alicia’s screeching woke up my cat for the 2nd week in a row.
Here comes Goldberg. Who is sniffling a bit.
Goldberg chants that are kinda lulling me to sleep.
Goldberg don’t spit, it’s rude.
Oh man is this over yet.
Goldberg talks blah blah blah and maybe we could’ve had a real women’s segment instead of this but whatever nothing matters.
He’s fucking up his lines.
What the fuck, when did Goldberg start bleeding.
He’s just talking in the ring when did he start bleeding???
WHY IS HE BLEEDING??
Here comes Heyman but who cares because why is Goldberg bleeding??
It’s 8 O’Clock, wrap it up people.
Lesnar’s here ugh.
Honestly I’m spacing out, I don’t know what happening, Goldberg’s bleeding from his fucking forehead, I found a cute coffeeshop au fanfic.
Undertaker’s here, it’s just a regular old man party.
Look at these old men.
It’s past the Undertaker’s bedtime and you’ve woken him up. You should all feel very ashamed, and end Raw now. Raw ends.