GAYWATCH: 2017 Startup!

Well, happy new year, dearest, dirty little darlings! I know it’s a trying time for all of us at the moment, what with certain governmental nonsense, but sweethearts, if the world of wrestling is good for nothing else, it’s at least good for giving us gorgeous piles of man to drool over, right? I mean, um… emotional connections, storytelling, spots – oh, who am I kidding? We all know why we’re here! Here’s our update on what’s been happening the last few weeks, while we’ve all been too distracted by political thoughts. Don’t look, darlings, it’s all terribly upsetting. Instead, let me update you on the love lives of our boys of WWE.

That’s right, Austin Aries, that’s all we’ve got, just like you being blown by Tom Phillips. Let’s face it, he’s got to have some point on commentary, and we all know the moniker of ‘Dirty Tom’ has something behind it that’s more than a weird in-joke by Booker T, right?

Oh, Dalton, darling, there you are! I worried you’d left us for less queer shores for a moment, but there you are, bending over backwards for nearly-naked men. That’s just how we love you, poppet, never change. Never leave us. You’re the hero we need in these trying times.

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So, recently, Sami Zayn and Braun Strowman seem to be having some sort of violent relationship built on dominance and the unwanted input of Mick Foley, which is less attractive and more worrying than it sounds, and it sounds pretty unpleasant. Braun was overheard boasting that Sami couldn’t last two minutes with him, that no one ever can – I don’t know what sexual methods this monster of a man has that make his lovers all come before two minutes is up, but I suspect it’s got something to do with those enormous mountains he calls pectorals.

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Sami’s been thinking about Braun a lot, from the heavy BDSM sex they’re clearly having, to whether it’s a good idea to involve himself with someone else who seems to be big and cruel, so soon after the split with Kevin Owens, and then Dean Ambrose being taken away by the brand split. Poor gingerbread sunshine, he’s got bad luck with rough lovers – though one can’t help but think he must like the treatment, to seek it out so often! Filthy boy.

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Of course, Braun and Sami can’t keep it in the bedroom when there’s all this ring furniture just begging to be used, much like Sami himself, can they? Darlings, just imagine, if this is what they get up to in public, what are they like in private? Mm, do excuse me a moment, I’m just… thinking.

However, Braun doesn’t seem too committed to the affair, naughty boy, as he’s looking for someone else, someone bigger, to join the party. Could be he fancies being dominated a little on his own time, seeing as he’s after big, strong men who might be able to give him that feeling he craves. Clearly Seth Rollins just isn’t up to the job, but it’s a little mean for Braun to be so frank about it to his face – although we all know Seth’s not a dominant, don’t we, loves?

Sami can’t be too broken up about his erstwhile lover taking some time to flirt with other men, because he’s been seen courting Roman Reigns and Seth, and asking for… well, it’s not exactly clear, but he seems to be asking them to fist him. Be gentle with him, boys, he’s not Dean, he’s a little bit more delicate that your previous third, darlings, just keep that in mind.

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Speaking of previous lovers, Kevin Owens, Sami’s former life partner, has been happy and content with his most recent boyfriend, Chris Jericho. The two seemed to be having a rocky patch for a while, but it was revealed it was all a ruse to unsettle the rest of the division, and make people less jealous about how perfect and pure their love is. Excuse me, I may cry.

Kevin and Chris are such good boyfriends that they share everything, even the titles, with Kevin announcing that they’re both Universal Champion, and now both US champs, too! Their relationship is clearly growing stronger by the day, even if there’s some weird bondage shit going on with Mick Foley wanting to lock Chris in a cage. Mick, please, get yourself a boyfriend and stop trying to get everyone in on your kinky sex games, pet, it’s just not okay.

Meanwhile, over on the blue brand, poor Dean Ambrose is struggling to find himself a new boyfriend whatsoever. He’s tried out AJ Styles, who was too weird and kinky even for Dean, and then he fooled around with The Miz a bit, but he just can’t seem to sexual satisfy our voracious Deano. He tries, though, and that’s apparently important.

In fact, Dean’s getting so desperate, he’s even been looking at Luke Harper, one of Bray Wyatt’s incestuous little family, possibly because they buy their tank tops from the same place, and Dean’s desperate for someone he has anything in common with, even if he has to let them fuck him from behind rather than look at them. It’s okay, Dean, Dolph Ziggler’s single, he’s always up for a good lay, if our sources are to be believed.

Bray Wyatt’s odd seduction of Randy Orton seems to have gone well, with Randy taking his place in the bizarre brotherhood, although he refuses to grow a beard, which seems like he’s not really trying hard enough. However, he appears to have been accepted, despite his complete inability to sustain a relationship without breaking the trust of whoever he’s supposed to be sleeping with.

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However, this week, Luke and Randy had a little falling out over who’s Bray’s favourite, and it ended up with Bray having to take a side – which appeared to be the side of Randy! That’s the problem with polyamory, Bray, if you don’t make sure people don’t feel left out, you’re going to end up with some arguments. We all know you’re missing Braun, but Randy’s the new kid on the block, and you’ve got to make sure your old favourites still feel loved. You’ve got to put the work in if you want to have a solid relationship, Bray, it can’t all be proposals from coffins and appearing out of the dark at each other.

AJ Styles has clearly tried smacking The Miz around, but this is a man who used to be despised by the entire locker room, poppet, he’s a little bit beyond some gentle spanking and orgasm denial. Either way, AJ doesn’t seem too impressed with Miz’s response to pain, or to him, and this little dalliance might be over before it begins – especially with the reappearance of AJ’s on-again-off-again lover, John Cena.

Lastly, there’s been some talk of Titus O’Neil taking over a space in The New Day, or possibly joining in, which Xavier Woods looks like he might be into, but Big E seems sarcastically against. Maybe he wants to remain the biggest man in their little arrangement, or perhaps he just thinks three of them in one relationship is enough. Either way, Titus didn’t seem to take it well. Hey, maybe, if Titus is so desperate, he could date Mick Foley, and Foley could stop butting in to everyone’s sex lives!

Well, that’s our round-up, darlings, and I’m hoping we’ll manage one every week, or as often as we can, because these little moments of deviance in our otherwise prim and proper lives are so important, don’t you think?

Thank you, Jack, for that riposte. Well, sweethearts, we’ll see you soon, and until then? Keep it kayfabulous!