Hey guys! Sora here! Steph came down with a bad case of concussion, so I’ll be recapping RAW for you this Monday evening. It’s actually my first RAW in awhile so it’ll be good to catch up (I literally had to google who the tag team champs were…). This will be a bit of an abridged recap, as I don’t know the names of all the moves like Steph (honestly, she’s fucking incredible, I don’t know how she learned them all so quickly), but I will be as thorough as I can possibly be and, hey, I’ll even throw in some art to make it worth your while.
Strap in folks, cause if I remember RAW, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Please stop playing ads for 2k17. Please.
Rest in peace, Superfly. (Steph: You know, despite probably being a murderer and all, you were an okay wrestler. Mostly just thinking how hard this must be for his family, and hoping this means we get his daughter, Tamina, back soon.)
Ohhh boy and here we start with a tribute to MLK. Ohhh boy. There’s black and white video of King with uplifting music in the background. I’m tempted to put in a quote from MLK about how shitty white moderates are. They’re just listing black people who’ve done amazing things. I mean. Where were all these people during Black History Month. I really can’t take this seriously when the McMahon’s have openly supported Trump. Oh thank god, that’s over.
Oh cool the Royal Rumble’s in two weeks, good thing I’m catching up.
Here comes Roman to start the show. The mix of boos and cheers and just general noise fills the arena. They show a shot of a girl booing, but with a smile, and if she’s having fun, then like isn’t that what it’s all about?
There’s a recap about how Chris Jericho (with the help of KO) pinned Roman for the US title, and reminding us that Roman and KO will fight for the Universal title while… Jericho is inside a shark cage? Oh man that’s actually pretty cool, I hope they have a cam just for Jericho’s face the whole match.
Roman begins by talking about the Shield. Ah, the nostalgia for two years ago. Roman has really improved on the mic, it makes me smile. He talks about how no one can beat him one on one.
Paul Heyman??? Who freed you from Brock Lesnar’s cave? He arrives to tell us that Lesnar is here tonight! Exciting! My stream is already starting to stutter, I come back to hear Goldberg, and boos. Paul Heyman goes on about ‘eat, sleep, eliminating, repeat,’ until KO and his best friend forever, and US title champ, Chris Jericho appears.
KO goes on about how great he and Chris are, and really I could watch three hours of that.
Jericho talks about math in a way that seems like he doesn’t quite know what math is? He finishes his equation with a classic ‘IT,’ and the crowd goes wild.
And here comes Seth Freaking Rollins. Looking godlike as ever. All four men are now in the ring and- oh here comes Braun Strowman. They’re really going for this Strowman push aren’t they? My stream buffers again and Sami Zayn and Brock Lesnar came out.
A brawl breaks out with superman punches, helluva kicks, suplexes, and a stare downs filled with beatings to come. The fighting goes on a minute before a nice stare down between Brock and Strowman (complete with ‘yes’ chants from the crowd), before a back down and a resuming of the brawl.
It ends with an F5 to Roman, Brock standing tall while his music plays us out
MATCH: Enzo & Big Cass vs. Rusev & Jinder Mahal
My stream comes back to an Enzo and Cass entrance. Apparently they’re to fight…Rusev and Jinder Mahal? When did that happen? I’m really not a fan of the ‘US vs Foreigner’ storylines.
- The commentary is pushing how fit and lithe Jinder is and that pleases me.
- Are they still fighting about the Lana thing? It’s still about the Lana thing. Where the bad guy is defending his wife? I remember why I stopped watching RAW.
- There’s a cut to commercial and we’re back.
- Lana is yelling at Russev, probably to crush.
- Jinder and Russev are double teaming Enzo.
- Only Rusev would have a move called the ‘bear hug.’
- Big Cass is tagged in and he is dominating Jinder Mahal. He goes for an empire elbow before Rusev interferes with the pin.
- Jinder tries to return the favor, but Big Cass kicks out.
- Enzo gets thrown in with a Bada Boom Shaka Laka (the what?) and pins Jinder Mahal for the win.
Jack Gallagher’s gonna be on commentary after commercial. Damn you, RAW, you always know how to get me to stay on.
England, fuck off with these Trump commercials, like you’re any better. (Steph: hey, our PM just wants to repeal the human rights act, she doesn’t want to nuke the planet!)
MATCH: Ariya Daivari vs. Lince Dorado
And here come the cruiserweights. Ariya Daivari comes stalking out with actually really cool entrance music nice. His opponent, Lince Dorado comes out, and I’m kinda loving this.
- Daivari comes out with punches to which Lince responds with an impressive flip.
- Jack Gallagher stop seducing me with your dulcet tones. We have the same last name, it would be improper.
- Daivari tries to call out to Jack but Dorado takes advantage of the distraction to gain the upper hand.
- The two men continue to brawl rather impressively. Until Dorado taps out from a cobra clutch.
We get a recap of Taker announcing his entrance into the Royal Rumble. Between him, Lesnar, and Goldberg, someone’s breaking a hip. Hope you got that cough drop, Undertaker. Now go back to hell and rest up.
There’s a recap of the past UK championship. A spectacular show, from what I’ve seen and heard, everyone at the top of their game, definitely worth checking out if you can. Congrats to Tyler Bate, you incredible mustache boy.
A showing of Sasha being evaluated for her bad knee until Nia Jax comes in destroys her. Thank god a ref was near by. Two refs even, wow.
MATCH: Cesaro & Sheamus vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson – Raw Tag Team Championship Match
Cesaro! I’ve missed you! Looking beautiful and bald as always. And Sheamus. Looking, ginger as always. Why is Sheamus’ video package like 66% about his mohawk.
Good to see how much of a bromance Cesaro and Sheamus have become. The duo do their cute boo/cheer routine as we fade out to commercial.
Out come Gallows and Anderson. Damn them for having like the best logo in the WWE. The head down to the ring flashing ‘too sweet’ signs. Oh my god, only an hour, Steph how do you do this every week?
- The match starts with Cesaro and Anderson.
- Man there’s a lot of bald men in this match.
- Sheamus is tagged in, tries to get the early pin, but Anderson kicks out.
- Cesaro tagged back in, goes for the pin again, kick out at two.
- Anderson and Gallows double teaming Cesaro, now corning him with punches.
- The duo continue beating up the Swiss Superman, trying to go for the pin, but a kick out.
- Byron continues to recite his slow burn Cesaro/Sheamus fic.
- Sheamus back in, destroying Gallows. He goes for a flying clothesline, attempts a pin, kick out.
- Anderson and Gallows get control of the match back before we go to commercial.
- Sheamus is the one being double teamed when we come back. Anderson and/or Gallows attempts to pin him with no avail.
- Sheamus able to tag in Cesaro, who comes in full of piss and vinegar, uppercutting everything in his path.
- Cesaro tries to go for the swing, but Gallows interferes.
- He tries again with a corkscrew uppercut, but Anderson manages to kick out again.
- Cesaro finally is able to get the swing, with the crowd counting awkwardly in the background.
- He attempts the sharpshooter, but with interference, he’s unable to get Gallows to tap.
- More uppercuts and ‘this is awesome’ chants.
- Cesaro is almost pinned, but Sheamus comes back from the dead to save him.
- Uh oh, Sheamus accidentally knocks out the ref, who is as weak as paper.
- Cesaro is pinned, the ref is too dead to see it, but luckily another ref is able to fly in and do the count.
- Allows and Ganderson were about to be announced the winner, but then it is revealed that they won due to disqualification and therefor are NOT the new tag team champs.
We’re getting a recap of what happened an hour ago. My cat is sleeping and I have never been more envious of him.
Here comes the tribute to Jimmy Snuka. Well wishes to Tamina and the rest of the Snuka family. I hate to take focus away from Jimmy, but I wish Chyna received such a warm tribute after her passing.
Oh my fucking god. Another Emmalina promo. This seriously is like a porno ad.
Sami!!! Sami talking to an unimpressed Roman and Seth. Seth and Roman keep exchanging ‘I miss Dean’ looks. Sami is making hand gestures and I can see Roman’s mouth twitching. Sami goes in for the Shield fist bump and I was kinda really hoping they would go for it. Still, that whole segment was the first thing to make me smile all night.
More cruiserweights, and more smiling! Here comes Rich Swann, dancing his way to the ring.
- OH shit, Neville just ran out and attacked Swann from behind, before Rich’s real match had a chance to start.
- Neville has officially gone from happy, tall dwarf, to full on dark elf.
- Swann attempts to fight back, Neville quickly gets him on his back, delivering looks and kicks.
- The segment ends with Neville standing tall and evil.
Seriously. Fuck off England with the Trump commercials, painting it like a fucking joke. Fucking brexit pricks. (Steph: Fuck all conservatives, fuck the tory pricks)
A backstage segment with Neville and Not Tom Phillips. Neville is going off, calling the US hypocrites, honestly he isn’t wrong. Not Tom Phillips, why aren’t you doing that weird squat thing so the wrestlers can be taller than you.
I’m liking this True King thing Neville’s got going on.
Oh man are you ready? Cause it’s a New Day, yes it is!
The best part of New Day entrances is the camera pan to the awkward, white dancing in the audience.
Gotta say, I miss the pink and blue, but the red, green, and yellow looks damn good too.
The New Day talks about the Royal Rumble and how New Day are gonna be in the Rumble and, honestly I’m fucking hoping one of them gets it.
Oh nooo, they’re talking about every man for himself and looking at each other…but it’s a fake out! If one of them wins, the whole New Day wins! I personally cannot wait for our three Universal champions.
Here comes Titus to bring it down. Talking about replacing the New Day, yet not wanting to be in the New Day? He wants to take one of New Day’s spots through a fight and I’m seriously hoping it isn’t Xavier. It’s always Xavier.
Oh Big E accept the challenge and admits that Titus sends him midnight texts and dick pizzas? What?
MATCH: Big E vs. Titus O’Neil
- We’re back from commercial to see the match has started, Big E and Titus going at it while Xavier and Kofi cheer from the side.
- Big E starts slapping Titus’ booty.
- Titus tries to go for Xavier, who has to be held back by Kofi so Big E isn’t disqualified.
- Titus goes for the pin, Big E kicks out at two, tries again, kick out at one.
- Xavier can’t bear to look anymore.
- Another attempt to pin Big E, but another kick out.
- The fans rally behind Big E, but Titus continues to throw Big E around like he’s nothing. A really impressive feat.
- Corey Graves hints that Titus might win the royal rumble. Haha, funny joke.
- Titus turns the tables, now slapping Big E’s ass.
- Big E manages to counter with a belly to belly. He continues into a big splash, and a big ending for the win.
All three members of the New Day are gonna be in the Royal Rumble. Huzzah.
Charlotte! Finally, only two hours in and we finally get a real, live, women’s segment. Thank you for reminding us how amazing Charlotte is, Michael Cole.
My queen talks about all her PPV wins and about hard work, and how she studied all her opponents winners. She calls Bayley and the WWE Universe just average. How Bayley is just an average fan. Charlotte shows pictures of little Bayley with her favorite WWE superstars as a child. This is why I love Charlotte, she’ll push her opponents better than anyone else while acting like she’s demeaning them.
Oh, oh Charlotte, no. She’s bringing out the adolescent poetry. Charlotte saying when Bayley was being a teen, writing poetry, Charlotte was training and being recruited.
Oh baby, I love Charlotte, she just put down a fan in the most perfect way. “Can you even read four eyes? Shut up, the Queen is talking.”
We cut to a video of Bayley getting emotional about finally reaching her dream of being a WWE superstar. Charlotte mockingly reads the poem Bayley wrote as a teenager about her wrestling dreams.
Bayley comes out, but Charlotte quickly gets out of the ring, smirking as she struts up the ramp.
Bayley takes the mic, saying that no matter what Charlotte says, Bayley is not ashamed or embarrassed. She is proud of her passion for her work. She recites a new poem for Charlotte: Roses are red, Violets are blue, At Royal Rumble, I will defeat you.
My stream begins fading again but it looks like all I’m missing is another recap of what happened at the top of the show.
It’s time to see how team EVIL is strategizing. KO and Jericho are trying to convince Strowman to destroy Roman and Rollins enough so that they’re out for like two weeks. Brawn needs a cough drop, but he’s able to rasp out how he’s gonna eat everyone or something. (Steph: He and Taker clearly caught sore throats off each other. Oh my god, does this mean they’ve been kissing?)
MATCH: Brian Kendrick vs. Cedric Alexander
More cruiserweight action. Here comes Brian Kendrick with a flag I made when I was twelve, he’s here to battle Cedric Alexander. There’s a flashback to Alicia and Cedric’s breakup.
- Kendrick leers at Cedric like a seasoned pro seizing up the new girl on the corner.
- A nice drop kick from Alexander and more flips and tricks that look damn good.
- Someone please hook me up with where Kendrick gets his clothes.
- Kendrick has the advantage, attempting a submission hold, that Alexander’s able to get out of.
- Noam Dar is shown looking at the fight with unreadable eyes, probably wishing to get back to catering.
- Kendrick stalks Alexander like a sexual bird of prey.
- There’s a satisfying slap when Cedric’s elbow connects with Brian Kendrick.
- Another attempt at a submission hold, but Alexander is able to grab the ring.
- Alicia comes out to help? But ends up distracting Cedric. Brian Kendrick shoots her a ‘Beat it, toots,’ but she stays, cheering him on.
- Cedric gets the win!
Alicia and Cedric have a moment in the ring, Alicia going for the hug but Cedric dodging it like a pro.
Going back to Nia’s attack on Sasha. I guess Nia just wears her ring gear everywhere. We cut to a backstage segment with Nia and Not Tom Phillips, Nia talking about how happy she is to bring Sasha down a peg, that she is the new hype.
Um, not liking the ‘real women’ talk, Nia.
Congrats Kurt Angle on your induction into the WWE Hall of Fame. My stream comes back to a screaming Alicia Fox, who woke up my kitty.
MATCH: Kevin Owens, Chris Jericho & Braun Strowman vs. Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns & Sami Zayn
As KO and Jericho come out, there is a shot on the shark cage. Jericho attempts his usual saunter, but gives the cage a wide berth like it might come out and eat him. I think Jericho and my grandma get their scarves at the same place honestly, I’m seriously sure I’ve seen that anchor scarf in my grandma’s scarf box.
After commercial we’re told Goldberg’s coming. Coolbeans.
Jericho and KO are joined by Strowman, who stomps and roars his ways into the ring. By contrast, here comes Sami! Bouncing and skanking his way into the ring. I forgot how happy his theme makes me. Here comes Seth, I wish he would mosh into the ring. And topping it all off, here comes Roman Reigns. Roman doesn’t dance to my knowledge.
I really hope we get a good KO/Sami moment.
“Let’s throw Roman Reigns a party that he still has confidence,” considering the year he’s had, I think we should, Corey Graves.
- Before the match starts, a brawl breaks out, bodies flying everywhere. Roman and Braun are left until Braun quickly throws him out of the ring.
- Back from commercial, and the match has officially started. All three men are on Roman.
- Chris drags Roman to the middle of the ring and slaps him three times before Roman gets him back.
- Tag to Sami, who goes for a moonsault and attempts the pin, kick out.
- KO is tagged in and pulls no punches for Sami.
- It’s really nice seeing them in the ring again. I really hope they fight for the title maybe after mania.
- Dueling chants for Sami and KO go off in the crowd.
- KO is done with his fun and tags Jericho in.
- Jericho attempts a pin, but a kick out by Sami.
- Chris climbs to the top ropes and attempts a jump, but Sami counters with a punch to the gut.
- As Sami attempts to tag someone in, KO comes back.
- Sami manages to tag Roman in who goes off.
- Superman punches and those weird inner elbow neck slaps.
- Seth attacks Jericho from out of the ring, but then Strowman attacks Seth.
- When Roman attempts another superman punch, Brawn comes up from behind and gets him.
- In traditional RAW form this is when my stream dies.
- When i come back Roman is on the floor.
- My stream dies again.
- And here we are with Roman in a choke hold, struggling to get out.
- Um. Seth and Sami were in the ring. Seth and Sami suicide dive onto Chris and KO respectively.
- Seth goes for a flying knee, and attempts to pin Jericho, kick out at two.
- He attempts a pedigree, but Jericho counters, twice.
- Strowman is back in, its amazing how small Seth looks next to him.
- Sami rushes in to save Seth and it kinda works.
- Roman jumps in for a superman punch on Strowman, gets him down.
- Sami goes high and attempts to pin Strowman, but kick out at two.
- This is awesome chants start going off.
- Strowman manages to counter something Sami did, and gets the pin on Sami.
Strowman, KO, and Jericho win, but that isn’t enough for Braun as he continues to injure Sami before slinging him over his shoulder and taking him over to the announce table. Before Braun can do whatever to Sami, Seth comes in with his secret weapon: the chair, and Roman follows that up with a superman punch.
Roman and Seth dismantle the announce table but KO and Jericho run up and attempt to use the table against the former teammates. Seth manages to bounce up and pedigree Jericho before KO uses a chair to Seth (gasp, the chair betrayed Seth). KO is left standing tall amid the bodies of Seth, Roman, and Jericho. Kevin takes Roman and throws him into the announce table, completely destroying it.
We leave RAW with KO looking strong heading towards the Rumble.
Everyone, give Steph cookies cause damn this is fucking hard to do for three hours, I cannot imagine doing it from 1 am to 4 am every week!