It’s a short form recap today, as unfortunately, after dying in the middle of Roadblock, my internet still refuses to be revived, and insists on lying there like Roman Reigns, starfish position, face down on the mat. It’s not as pretty as Roman, either.
We’re all decorated for Christmas around the ring, which obviously means someone’s being thrown into presents, which I have to say has always been my favourite part of the festive season. You mean you don’t suplex your family into a pile of gifts on Christmas morning? Weird.
Kevin’s mad he ever questioned Chris’ devotion to him, and there’s something to do with Jericho in a shark cage at the Royal Rumble so he can’t interfere with a match between Kevin and Roman. Mick’s all there on the booking decisions tonight, clearly. Jericho of course gets into the cage to complain about shoddy constuction, and is sent rocketing up into the sky. Sort of. Later he’s attended to by paramedics, because… cages are his kryptonite?
MATCH: Rusev vs. Big Cass
I’m so done with this. Rusev wins by DQ because Cass won’t stop punching him, almost like he thinks he’s the injured party, which is weird, considering Cass’ best friend tried to FUCK RUSEV’S WIFE. I fucking hate this shit.
Sahsa comes out to talk about the match last night, with a crutch and her knee in a brace, and says that tapping out might have broken her heart, but the better woman won. She asks Charlotte to come out so that she can congratulate her, sincerely, and then Nia Jax shows up! She throws Sasha around for a bit. So this is our new feud, huh? I can get behind that.
Sheamus and Cesaro are gifted the new Raw tag team belts, red with silver plates, like their partners on SmackDown. Sheamus runs off with both of them as Mick goes to deal with an emergency, which turns out to be Braun Strowman on a rampage about getting his hands on Sami Zayn.
MATCH: Cedric Alexander vs. Noam Dar
Cedric takes the win, Alicia Fox coming in to congratulate him. Noam Dar says that he wants Alicia for Christmas, because he’s a wee Scottish laddie and he doesn’t understand how women work.
The New Day congratulate Cesaro – but not Sheamus – and after some mock indignant remarks about how they got the new titles on day one, Cesaro and Sheamus have a grump at each other. It’s like watching male deer in rutting season, really. The Club show up, as do the Shining Stars (who we’d all forgotten existed, let’s be honest) and an eight man tag match breaks out.
MATCH: The New Day and Cesaro & Sheamus vs. The Shining Stars and The Club
Sharpshooter on Primo from Cesaro to get the win, and Sheamus poses with the tag team titles for a bit, until Cesaro takes his and has a little celebration with The New Day.
Neville explains his entrance into Roadblock last night – we’d all missed you, darling, you don’t need to explain, we’re just glad you’re here. He says he’s going to obliterate the cruiserweight division, and Rich Swann shows up to tell him what’s what. TJ Perkins and Brian Kendrick rock up, and it all becomes a mess of cruiserweight limbs. But hey, Neville!
Apparently Enzo needs sensitivity training, and apparently Bob Backlund, Darren Young and Jinder Mahal need it, too. Why? Have they all been exposing their penises to non-consenting women? Have they all been making gross comments about women? Good grief, this whole thing is appalling and I’d quite like Enzo to just go away. How have you ruined Enzo and Cass, WWE? You had a good thing going, and now I hate them, and removed all of their merch off my wishlist.
MATCH: Sin Cara vs. Titus O’Neil
Well, we’ll never find out who’s better here, because Braun Strowman shows up to roar at everyone, for some reason, smacks both of them about so that Sin Cara wins by DQ. Sin Cara then gets thrown into the Christmas presents. See, told you, it’s a tradition!
Chris and Kevin are backstage yelling at each other, because Chris doesn’t like heights, or spiders, because we’ve never made the arachnophobia/acrophobia joke before, have we? KO tries to get him pumped up for their match against Roman and Seth, instead of scared, but it doesn’t quite work out.
Charlotte turns up to tell everyone that she’s the best best best and no one can measure up to her, and frankly, I love heel Charlotte with a title, so this is all good. And then here comes Bayley! She says she’s going to go for that title now, and she’s always beaten Charlotte in NXT, but Charlotte says that doesn’t matter.
MATCH: Charlotte Flair vs. Bayley
Bayley takes the win after a hard-fought battle, and I’m pretty excited to watch how this rivaly plays out, actually. The skill in this match was just incredible to see.
In another parallel universe, Emmalina debuted last week on Raw, and was involved in these storylines we’ve had for the women so far, and has spoken to Dana backstage. Unfortunately, in this one, we’re just told ‘soon’ while the poor woman hammers on dimensional walls and begs to be let into this universe.
Back in sensitivity training, Bo Dallas is also there, and then everyone passes except Enzo, who’s too busy trying to get the instagram account of one of the women who runs the training. Rusev shows up and smacks him around, but Jinder helps out Enzo. Lana turns up and slaps Enzo, which is more than deserved, and Rusev takes him out. Can this feud be over now? Please? Or can Lana just wrestle Enzo, make him tap to the Acolyte, and he learns a new respect for women? Anything?
MATCH: JeriKO vs. 2/3 of the Shield
It’s a reasonable match, and it’s well done, but ruined as Braun Strowman shows up and charges at Roman, therefore giving 2/3 of the Shield the win via DQ. Jericho and Owens make a hasty retreat, leaving Seth and Roman to be smashed apart by Strowman, and pat themselves on the back for being very clever.
And that’s Raw!