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PPV Rehash: Roadblock End of the Line 2016

Well, here we are again, it’s midnight on a Sunday night/Monday morning, I’ve got my volume up in the spare room at a level I can almost hear out of my blocked, water-filled ears from work, but which my wife can hear perfectly from our bedroom on the other side of the house. Sorry, Rae. It’s hard to be a wrestling wife.

I’m going to whine about the network, though, because I watch Raw via a stream, which allows me to have half my laptop screen be video, and the other half be my word document. That means I can use my headphones, and not disturb my poor wife, but still keep my accuracy. The Network? Doesn’t minimise properly, so I have to put it on Rae’s computer, across the room from me, and then sit on the spare bed and write on my laptop. Which means every PPV? Roman Reigns is keeping my wife up.

Renee Young is here, of course, Booker T, and… Sam Roberts? Well, we’ll hold off on judgement for now, I suppose. Dirty Tom Phillips greets us with ‘hide your kids, hide your wife’, which, may I remind you, was something someone said about RAPISTS, but apparently no one told Tom that. He says Sami needs to last ten minutes against Braun Strowman, and seems to suggest that Braun makes everyone ejaculate prematurely. Okay, weirdo. Renee’s top looks like someone took the scissors to it after being told to sex her up, or that her boobs are pulling at the buttons and letting it gape, like it doesn’t fit properly.

Bayley comes to talk to us about being the only Iron Woman in WWE, so of course my internet collapses like local talent in front of Nia Jax. Booker T asks what it takes for Bayley to take a step into the title picture, and she says that after this, for next year, she’s going to get that title. He also tries to get Bayley to say ‘daddy’ for some reason. Sam Roberts said you’d be hard pressed to find a man who doesn’t root for Sasha. Why? Would you like to clarify that statement, or shall we let the sexism ride? Booker’s on Charlotte’s side, and Bayley’s on Sasha’s.

Tom Phillips is in the social media lounge with Sami Zayn, who looks a little nervous but also a little bored. He’s asked if he has any fear stepping into the ring with Strowman, and he says he’s a little afraid, but that it’s a healthy fear that he needs. He’s asked what his strategy is, and Sami says Braun needs a strategy, because Sami’s not like anyone he’s ever faced before, because he can claw through pain and hard work. Sami’s then asked what makes him different, and he says he won’t stay down. He says this is all about making your own opportunities, standing up for yourself, and that this might be the most important match of his career.

TJP is here, asking if he looks like Justin Bieber in concert. They talk about how TJ has a lot of marriage proposals on twitter, and Renee asks who his biggest competitor is. He says Kendrick is going to be the hardest to deal with, but that he’s not overlooking Rich Swann. Sam says that, actually, he is letting Swann down by not considering him a real threat, but TJP says that he and Kendrick have been around a long time. He says the experience is important, and calls himself ‘cruisergreat’. That’s the shucky ducky quack quack moment of the night, apparently.

MATCH: Rusev vs. Big Cass

Fuck’s sake, we have to watch the hotel room again, of course we do. Frankly, if I ever seen Enzo Amore take his trousers off again, I shall scream, because it makes my skin crawl. Booker says Enzo’s to blame, because Lana’s a married woman, Sam says that what Lana did was entrapment. He’s not endearing himself to me, to be honest.

Lana introduces her wonderful husband, of course, and she looks spectacular, as does Jojo behind her in blue. Oh, Christ, Cass brought Enzo with him, and just looking at him with… whatever is happening to his hair… makes me feel a little bit ill.  Remember when I loved these guys and their gimmick, and talked along with them? Oh! It’s a weird hair-hat thing, and Enzo puts it on a kid’s head, and the kid takes it off straight away, because he might catch misogyny. Enzo talks about Lana’s leaked nudes, and suggests she’s a sex worker. There are KIDS HERE, kids, nodding along to the vile shit pouring out of Enzo’s mouth, smiling and cheering at the good guys, and…

  • I missed the start of the match because mute horror, but we come back from commercials to Rusev on his knees before Big Cass. He rises to his feet, tries to climb out of the ring, and basically, Cass is just dragging Rusev around.
  • Commentary respect women by saying this is all Lana’s fault. Well, Michael Cole does. Big boot from Rusev, Cass catches it, slam from Cass, followed by an Empire Elbow.
  • Shoulder tackle in the corner from Cass, goes to comes at Rusev off the rebound, but Rusev rolls out to the barricades, climbing over those too, into the crowd. The two brawl in the crowd, and then Lana leaps on Enzo, before feigning an injured ankle.
  • Cass runs to Enzo’s defence, Rusev leaping into the ring just in time to win by count out. Lana stalks off after her husband, shouting at the two left in the ring.

Renee asks if it was Enzo’s fault, and Sam Roberts says that it totally isn’t. Dude, I’ve lost any faith I might have had in you now.

Roadblock: End of the Line. The second Roadblock of the year. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Where they eat wrestlers for breakfast.

The New Day are here, the longest reigning tag team champions of all time, and they’re decked out in Christmas colours, because wardrobe love dressing these boys, and I can’t blame them. They just look so good in everything. They call Cesaro and Sheamus ‘the shameful swingers’, ‘swing low swiss chariot’, and of course, Xavier gets a sing in, because it’d be a dull PPV if he didn’t. He’s very mellifluous, it makes me want to sing with him.

MATCH: The New Day vs. Sheamus & Cesaro – Raw Tag Team Championship Match

  • Cesaro with a dropkick on Kofi to start, followed by a pin and uppercuts. Kofi gets his feet up in the corner, kick to the face, goes high. Cesaro catches him, both men landing on their feet after monkey-flips.
  • Cesaro goes to swing, Kofi gets the bottom rope, cheap shot from Sheamus, Sheamus tagged in. Dragging Kou around, Cesaro tagged back in as Sheamus does a rolling senton, and Cesaro jumps on Kofi’s chest
  • Sheamus off the ropes, tagged in, pin on Kofi for two. Knees to the back from Sheamus, headlock on. Blow from Sheamus, misses, Cesaro in too, lifting Kofi up for an uppercut, pins him for two.
  • Cesaro sent shoulder first into the post, Big E knocked off the apron and is still down, Kofi has no one to tag. Sheamus throws him over shoulders, Kofi lands on his feet, Kofi throws Sheamus over the ropes where he lands hard.
  • Big E back to his feet, Sheamus goes for the beats, Kofi elbows him, and tags in Big E. Big E spears Sheamus off the apron, then hits the big splash, pinning for two.
  • Big E gets Sheamus pulled up against the ropes, bounces Big E off the ropes. Running powerbomb from Big E, pin on Sheamus for two. Big boot from Sheamus, Cesaro tagged in, comes off the top rope for a tag team version of White Noise.
  • Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer, but Big E gets out, corkscrew uppercut from Cesaro, Big E down hard, Cesaro goes for the swing, but Kofi comes on, ducking out of the way so Sheamus hits Cesaro.
  • Cheap shot kick to Cesaro from Xavier, Big E hits the Big Ending on a stunned Cesaro – and he manages to kick out! Commentary respects the athletes in this match by almost calling Xavier ‘Kofi’.
  • Kofi up on the top rope, Sheamus holding his foot, uppercut from Cesaro, going for the swing. On the outside, Sheamus outs a brogue kick onto Big E. Sharpshooter onto Kofi, who taps, but the ref is distracted by Xavier’s trombone.
  • Small package from Kofi, roll through, Cesaro gets Kofi up and pushed into the Neutralizer, pin for two and a half, but Big E comes in and breaks it up, rolling Kofi away and trying to whip Cesaro into the ropes. Cesaro reverses it, corkscrew over the top rope onto Big E.
  • Sheamus catches Xavier with a Brogue Kick, Kofi pins Sheamus off the distraction, and still managed to kicks out. Cesaro deliberately missed the tag, takes a Trouble in Paradise off Kofi, and Sheamus pins Kofi while he’s distracted – and we’ve got new champs.

I really didn’t expect that to happen. I honestly thought that I was going to see The New Day into the new year with the titles, and I think Cesaro and Sheamus are more interesting as singles competitors, but I guess that’s the way things go sometimes.  The belts are handed over to Sheamus and Cesaro, Cesaro and the New Day clasping hands, sportsmanlike, and Sheamus grabs both belts, raising them high, Cesaro goes into the crowd to celebrate with the fans.

Charly is asking Kevin if he’s worried about his match, and Kevin just looks at her like she’s a bug, asking if she’s trying to insult him or if she’s just really bad at her job. He misses Renee. He says he’s the longest reigning Universal champion, that’s a fact, and then Charly asks if he’s going to be missing Jericho tonight. He asks how long she’s worked there, says he doesn’t know her name – which is fair, none of the talent call her by it, and they should, or she should have a text scroll with it – , but that he and Chris are unconditional best friends. Charly looks off into the distance – and there’s Jericho. Kevin apologises for Monday, even though it wasn’t his fault. Kevin wants to make it up to his best friend, so hands him a present box. Oh, Kevin. You’ve never kept a friend in your life, babes. Jericho opens the box to see a holiday scarf, which he throws back at Kevin without saying a word. Kevin looks wrecked as Jericho stalks away.

MATCH: Sami Zayn vs. Braun Strowman – Ten Minute Match

So we see the lead up to this, and we’re meant to believe Sami can’t survive this, and I could have done with a loo break before this match. Ah well. More dragging of Eva Marie. I hope she shows up and literally murders both these men.

  • We waste some time early, Sami dodging out of the corner and keeping his distance from Strowman. I like the tights, Sami, it would be great if WWE sold those in leggings form for us. Dreams. Chop from Sami to Strowman.
  • Sami off the ropes, hurricanrana on Strowman, then a dropkick, getting Strowman into the corner. Strowman reverses it, getting Sami onto the floor, nursing his lower back. Shoulder tackle from Strowman, Sami going down like ragdoll physics.
  • Sami on the outside, clubbing blows from Strowman, both men back in the ring and Sami being thrown around, before Strowman puts his boot on his neck and presses him against the ropes.
  • Huge blow against the rope from Strowman’s hand, and then his knee on the neck again. Strowman stands back, looking at the ref, then charges at Sami, who holds the ropes down and lets Strowman flips over the ropes, landing hard on the apron.
  • Ref tells Sami not to do that, before he suicide dives over the ropes and Strowman catches him. The ref starts counting them out, but don’t they have to go ten minutes? He throws Sami back in, and clubs his head after a pin for one. Another huge blow to the head, and another, and Sami lies spread-eagled in the ring.
  • Braun rolls his eyes as the ref checks on Sami, who goes back down hard after another blow. He pins Sami with one hand for two, then lifts Sami’s shoulders. Sami’s limp against Strowman’s blows, slowly crawling to his feet in the corner, just to take another forearm and go down hard.
  • Sami reels off the ropes, takes a blow to the chest, and keeps coming back towards Strowman. He takes a slam, it’s been over five minutes, and there’s another forearms, followed by a clothesline that turns Sami over.
  • Sami’s staggering when he can get up, taking blows from Strowman, and then Foley comes out, holding a towel, ready to throw it in for Sami. Strowman throws Sami out of the ring, to Mick’s feet, and then he comes out of the ring after Sami, demanding Mick throw in the towel. The crowd chant ‘leave’ at Mick.
  • Sami crawls to his feet clawing at Mick’s legs to stand, as he begs Mick not to throw the towel in, and the crowd chants ‘let them fight’. Sami rises, flinging the towel into the crowd, and then Strowman clubs Sami round the head and says to Mick ‘the blood of Sami Zayn is on your hands, you could have ended this’.
  • Sami dodges Strowman, who goes head first into the post, and then charges after Sami, who dodges again, barricades collapsing under Strowman’s weight. The count goes to nine, but Strowman makes it back in, less than a minute left.
  • Sami rocking on his feet, letting Strowman hit the post again, then he comes off the top rope in a cross-body that pins Strowman for two, though the kick out powers Sami right out of the ring. The crowd count down the last ten seconds – and Sami wins!

Sami is hugged by Mick on the ramp, and he raises his hand as he backs away, panting and red-mouthed, but grinning.

MATCH: Seth Rollins vs. Chris Jericho

Chris isn’t wearing the scarf Kevin got him, and I’m pretty sure that Kevin is crying backstage about this, possibly while Roman pats him on the back and says ‘that’s rough buddy’, while thinking about steel chairs. Rollins looks as unrepentant as ever, grinning at the crowd as he chews his gum. Why am I so weak to this trashlord?

  • The two men circle each other first, then lock up, arm drag from Rollins, who makes it look so easy, and Jericho looks stunned. Duelling chants, Seth nodding along to his like it’s the best beat he’s ever heard. Headlock from Seth.
  • Shoulder tackle from Jericho, taking Seth down, and Jericho gets some praise from the audience, listening to them, as Seth looks grumpy. Wristlock from Jericho, Rollins rolling through then hitting a kip up, reversing it into a shoulder hold on Jericho.
  • Knee from Seth as he comes off the ropes, then chops to the chest, followed by blows to the gut in the corner. Whip to the opposite corner, Jericho gets the boot up, Seth goes down hard. Dropkick off the top rope from Jericho, Rollins pinned for two.
  • Suplex from Jericho, followed by a foot on his chest and a pin for one. Chops from Seth, kick to the stomach from Jericho, and knees to the face as Seth crumples in the corner. Elbow to the face from Jericho, whipping Seth hard into the corner, but he takes the impact and comes back with an elbow.
  • Jericho rolls out of the ring to avoid Seth off the ropes, Seth with a glancing knee off the apron. He throws Jericho into the barricades, Chris holding the back of his head, then flings Jericho back into the ring. Jericho crawls to the ref, hugging him around the knees, and gets a rake to the eyes as the ref pushes Seth away.
  • Seth down hard, Jericho gets him up by the hair, chops to the chest. Seth takes a rebound, Jericho going for the Codebreaker, but Seth turns it into a monkey flip. Seth and Jericho fight over the ropes, the ref splitting them, and Jericho bounces off the ropes, dropkicking Seth in the head, who hits the outside, hard, and lies spread-eagled as the count begins.
  • My internet goes down, because of course it does, and so Jess is going to do the rest of this PPV while I seethe and plan to call the company in the morning.
  • Seth struggles to make a rope break, then rolls through and gets Jericho in a small package for a two and a half count.
  • Jericho comes running at Seth, and who sends him through the ropes. Jericho up on the turnbuckle, but Seth meets him with a kick, then a superkick as he’s kneeling.
  • Seth hits a frog splash, and Kevin Owens comes running out! Seth kicks him off the apron, and the referee comes over to shoo him away just in time for Jericho to get Seth in a small package for what should have been a three count but is instead only two.
  • Jericho yells at Kevin for interfering, and Seth gets him with a knee. Seth counters the Codebreaker into a Pedigree, and Jericho is pinned!

Seth looks pleased with himself as he makes his way up the ramp, and Jericho still looks miserable. He was only trying to help you!

MATCH: Brian Kendrick vs. TJ Perkins vs. Rich Swann – Cruiserweight Championship Triple Threat Match

I’ve not been watching 205 Live even though it’s allegedly SmackDown’s responsibility, because I’m basically terrible, but apparently Kendrick attacked Perkins on commentary on 205 Live recently, hence this triple threat match for the title. Before the match gets underway, Kendrick is motioning to Perkins as though to suggest an alliance. Also, Austin Aries is on commentary for this match. Hi, Aries!

  • Kendrick with a kick to Swann, and then Perkins tries for a quick rollup, but Kendrick interrupts the pin.
  • Swann knocks Kendrick out of the ring, then Swann with Perkins in a waistlock. Perkins breaks the hold then slides between his legs, and Kendrick pulls Swann out of the ring. Perkins hits Kendrick with a dropkick, before throwing him back in the ring.
  • Perkins off the turnbuckle then transitions straight into the kneebar, but Kendrick fights out.
  • Swann with an enzuigiri on Kendrick in the corner, then Perkins grabs Kendrick and Swann takes them both down with a hurricanrana.
  • Swann launches off Perkins’ back to assault Kendrick, then grabs Perkins in a side headlock. Perkins fights him off then Kendrick with a kick to both men.
  • Perkins on the ropes, and Kendrick throws Swann at him, but Perkins gets out of the way sending Swann to the outside. Perkins with a missile dropkick to Kendrick.
  • Swann back in the ring and Kendrick locks in the Captain’s Hook. Perkins tries to interfere, but Kendrick kicks him away – then Perkins tries again, and locks in the kneebar.
  • Kendrick makes a ropebreak, and between that and Swann’s interference, the hold is released and all three men are collapsed in exhaustion.
  • Swann knocks Kendrick to the outside, and Perkins manages to get the kneebar on Swann.
  • Swann makes the ropebreak, but as the commentary team reminds us, this is no DQ so Perkins could have basically broken his leg if he wanted to.
  • Strikes back and forth between Perkins and Swann, then Kendrick tries to interfere with a kick, but Swann recovers, knocking both men down and covering Perkins – Swann retains!

Swann celebrates happily with his championship, but then music hits – oh my God, it’s Neville! It’s Neville, with a big forearm to Swann, and then a series of stomps. Neville, what are you doing?? Perkins has the same question, and takes a knee to the midsection and then a dropkick. Corey Graves is so happy to see this, but Swann definitely is not as he’s thrown to the outside and Neville throws him into the barricade. Perkins is driven into the barricade to follow, then rolled back into the ring along with Swann. Neville stands between them looking down at their bodies before climbing out of the ring and slowly backing up the ramp.

Kevin is knocking on Jericho’s locker room door and begging him to come out and talk to him, or at least just listen to him. He says he was just trying to help, and he knows their friendship is stronger than this. And because Jericho’s list makes him happy, and Kevin knows that, Kevin says that he can add Kevin to the list. Finally, when that doesn’t have any effect, he implores him that friends make mistakes but best friends forgive each other, but when there’s still no response, he concedes that maybe they’re not best friends anymore, which deeply hurts his feelings, and he just quietly walks away.

MATCH: Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks – RAW Women’s Championship 30 Minute Iron Woman Match

Commentary remind us that this is only the second Iron Woman match in WWE history, and compare Charlotte to classic legends in talking about how powerful and dominant she has been this year. For once I feel like the match is being respected.

  • The two women eye each other off as the match begins, then proceed to lock up, with Charlotte gaining the upper hand with a wristlock into a headlock.
  • Sasha breaks the hold and transitions into a wristlock of her own, then Charlotte grabs her for another headlock, and the two women go to the ground with Sasha transitioning to a headscissors.
  • Michael Cole helpfully reminds us that in a thirty minute match you must wrestle for thirty minutes. Thanks for clearing that up.
  • Sasha with a headlock on Charlotte, then Charlotte transitioning to pinning Sasha by the wrists, and then Sasha flipping into an attempted two-count cover on Charlotte.
  • Sasha with a chop to Charlotte in the corner, then Charlotte reverses the Irish Whip but Sasha ducks the offense.
  • Bank Statement – but Charlotte is able to reach the ropes and slide out of the ring.
  • Charlotte with a shoulder to Sasha’s midsection as she climbs back in, then two unsuccessful attempted rollups on Sasha.
  • Sasha with a backslide, for a two count, then a dropkick to Charlotte. Sasha takes a moment to mock the Flair strut, and Charlotte comes back with a big boot.
  • Sasha with a sleeper hold on Charlotte, but Charlotte able to get back to her feet and drop Sasha back to the mat.
  • Charlotte throwing Sasha headfirst into the turnbuckle, then both women out of the ring. Charlotte picks Sasha up in powerbomb position, but Sasha jumps over her and as Charlotte turns around to grab her, takes Charlotte to the ground with the double knees.
  • Headbutt from Charlotte, then Sasha with a backbreaker into a straightjacket hold.
  • Charlotte breaks out, and Sasha with a clothesline, then a dropkick. Charlotte tries to come back with a kick, but Sasha catches her leg. Sasha with an elbow, then throwing Charlotte to the outside and Sasha suicide dives after her.
  • Sasha rolls Charlotte back into the ring, but only gets a one-count.
  • Sasha on the apron, and Charlotte knocks her leg out from under her, sending her tumbling face-first into the stairs.
  • Charlotte throws Sasha back into the ring, but Sasha weakly kicks out at two. Charlotte lays in with strikes, but the referee interferes to check on Sasha’s wellbeing.
  • Charlotte with her foot on Sasha’s neck on the ropes as soon as the referee gives her the all clear, then Sasha thrown into the corner.
  • Snapmare from Charlotte, then a series of knee drops. Sasha kicks out at two.
  • Charlotte looks furious now, with Sasha in a chinlock. Sasha gets to her feet, but Charlotte knocks her back down.
  • Charlotte goes for another knee, but Sasha rolls out of the way into the corner, getting her legs up as Charlotte tries to come after her.
  • Sasha with a crossbody gets a two count, but Charlotte follows it up with a backbreaker and a neckbreaker, then another knee. Sasha still manages to kick out at two.
  • Figure four headscissors from Charlotte as we meet the halfway point of the match, and she sends Sasha headfirst into the mat a few times.
  • Sasha rolls so Charlotte’s shoulders are down, but Charlotte kicks out and releases the hold.
  • Sasha tries to get Charlotte in an armbar, but Charlotte drapes Sasha over the ropes.
  • Dropkick from Charlotte sends Sasha into the corner; Sasha keeps her way with a kick, then reverses their positions laying into Charlotte with strikes and kicks in the corner, followed by the double knees.
  • Sasha on the top rope for another crossbody, but Charlotte gets out of the way and then hits Natural Selection – but Sasha kicks out at two.
  • Charlotte trying to lift Sasha up but Sasha lands on her feet behind her and seems to go for the backbreaker but Charlotte blocks.
  • Snapmare from Charlotte, but she’s looking both confused and exhausted before she climbs up onto the turnbuckle for the moonsault.
  • Sasha knocks Charlotte off her feet so she is instead sitting on the turnbuckle, but Charlotte is able to fight her off and hit a second Natural Selection, this one from the top rope – and Charlotte has the first fall, with ten minutes and fifteen seconds left on the clock.
  • The moment she gets the clear, Charlotte tries to go for another cover, but Sasha kicks out. Another, and Sasha gets her foot on the bottom rope.
  • Charlotte tauntingly slaps Sasha around a little, and Sasha tries to come back with a clothesline but Charlotte dodges and suplexes Sasha. Sasha kicks out of the cover at two.
  • Charlotte tries to pick Sasha up for another suplex, but Sasha fights her off with elbows.
  • Sasha with a headscissors takes Charlotte to the ground and the two women grapple but Sasha gets Charlotte’s shoulders down – the two women are one apiece!
  • Sasha goes for the Bank Statement but Charlotte counters. Charlotte with a boot, but Sasha kicks out at two.
  • Charlotte up on the top rope for the moonsault – but Sasha rolls out of the way, and Charlotte lands on the mat. Sasha locks in the Bank Statement!
  • Charlotte struggles for a rope break, but she can’t get there, and Sasha rolls her back to the middle of the ring and locks it in harder. Charlotte taps, and Sasha is up 2-1 with less than six minutes to go.
  • Strikes back and forth, but Charlotte gets the upper hand sending Sasha back into the corner.
  • Sasha tries to climb up on the middle rope, but Charlotte stomps her knee and Sasha crumples. Charlotte targets the same knee with more stomps, then drags her to the middle of the ring to go for the Figure Eight, but Sasha slaps her away.
  • Charlotte continues the assault on the leg, throwing her knee into the ringpost a few times, then drags Sasha back into the middle of the ring, planting her knee on Sasha’s leg and twisting her leg.
  • Sasha able to counter with a rollup, but Charlotte back quickly for more assault on that leg, sitting on her leg and twisting her foot before locking in the Figure Four.
  • Charlotte tries to bridge into the Figure Eight, but Sasha dragging and fighting and trying to reverse the pressure, which she briefly manages before Charlotte gets the pressure back.
  • The submission still locked in, Sasha with strikes at Charlotte to try to break the hold, then another attempt to drag her to the corner for a rope break.
  • Sasha now resorting to pinching with only thirty seconds left on the clock. Charlotte bridges into the Figure Eight, and Sasha taps with only three seconds left on the clock – it’s 2-2!
  • Michael Cole starts to ask what happens now, and I tell him that Sasha retains because it’s a draw – but the crowd starts chanting “five more minutes!” and JoJo announces that they are going into sudden death overtime.
  • Charlotte sneering happily as Sasha reveals she can no longer put pressure on the leg that was in the hold for so long, and she tries to lock up that leg again but Sasha reverses into a rollup for a two count.
  • Fallaway slam from Charlotte, then Charlotte tries to pick Sasha up again and Sasha goes for a small package but Charlotte kicks out at two.
  • Sasha with the backbreaker for the Bank Statement – Charlotte lands on her bad leg, and Sasha can’t make the transition smoothly, but she manages to lock it in.
  • Charlotte tries to break the hold by grabbing a hold of Sasha’s leg, then tries to reverse into the Figure Four, and Sasha and Charlotte fight with frantic strikes. Sasha is gushing blood from her face somewhere as she reaches furiously for the ropes, and Charlotte tries to drag her out of reach and bridge into the Figure Eight. Sasha taps!

There’s a little girl in the crowd they cut to who just looks miserable. Sasha is just cradling her face as she lays in the ring, and Charlotte looks like she’s crying. The crowd look really unimpressed, in truth, as Charlotte mouths that she is the Iron Woman, and Sasha needs to be helped backstage by an official. That was an incredible match, it was amazing to watch, and though I have no small amount of mixed feelings about the women’s championship going back and forth so much between these two women so the ending was caught up in that, I loved practically every minute of that match.

All that being said, though, I just have no idea how to feel about the fact that there’s another match yet to come. How am I supposed to care about Roman Reigns and Kevin Owens after that? Why was that match not the main event?

MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens – Universal Championship Match

Kevin is completely unwilling to hand his title over to the referee without giving it a kiss goodbye first, and then another for good measure. It’s okay, Kevin. The cursed flesh belt still loves you best.

  • The bell rings and Kevin immediately rolls out of the ring. He gingerly climbs back in a few moments later, then slides back out again. This time, Roman follows, coming after him with big strikes, before they’re both back in the ring.
  • Roman whips Kevin into the ropes, who takes this an opportunity to climb back out of the ring. Kevin really understands how wrestling works.
  • Roman comes after him again, and Kevin climbs back into the ring, kicking Roman on his way in then locking in a side headlock.
  • Headlock takedown, and Roman struggles to power out, eventually getting to his feet and slamming Kevin.
  • Running senton from Kevin, then he stomps Roman’s fingers, mostly just out of spite it would seem.
  • Clothesline from Roman, then Kevin has to duck out of the ring again to avoid further assault.
  • Roman comes after him, and Kevin hides in the timekeepers area to send Roman into the barricade, throws him into the steel steps.
  • Sliding back in and out of the ring to break the count, Kevin jumps back out with a senton off the steps then throws Roman back in the ring for a cover. Roman kicks out at two.
  • Kevin with another headlock, screaming at Roman that he should have put his title on the line too. That’s a very good point, Kevin.
  • Roman struggles to a vertical base, but Kevin converts to a neckbreaker for a two count, then a somersault for another two-count.
  • Rear chinlock from Kevin, and as Roman powers out Kevin goes for another senton, but Roman rolls out of the way.
  • Kevin recovers and the two men trade strikes, until Roman rebounds off the ropes and knocks Kevin off his feet with a clothesline.
  • Nine corner clotheslines from Roman, then Kevin with a pair of forearms. Roman gets Kevin up on his shoulders, but Kevin escapes and hits a German suplex on Roman, sending him into the corner.
  • Kevin sets up for the cannonball, but Roman meets him in the middle with a boot, then hits the Samoan Drop he was setting up for before.
  • Roman locks and loads to prepare for the Superman Punch, but Kevin ducks and hits a DDT instead.
  • Roman does manage to hit the Superman Punch on his next attempt, but Kevin kicks out of the cover at two. The crowd takes up in a ‘Roman sucks’ chant, because we can’t have nice things.
  • Kevin goes to the turnbuckle, but Roman knocks him off his footing and sets up for the superplex. Kevin fights him off with elbows, but Roman hits another Superman Punch and goes for a second attempt – but Kevin counters, hitting his own superplex, but Roman kicks out at two.
  • Kevin back up on the turnbuckle, but Roman gets his knees up on the swanton, then signals for the spear. Kevin rolls out of the ring – I thought perhaps he’d forgotten that was his grand plan.
  • Roman with a Drive By, then attempts a second one, but Kevin dodges the second one and comes back with a kick to Roman’s face.
  • Roman positioned on the announce table, then Kevin climbs up on the barricade for a frog splash on Roman. That was bad enough, but then he goes for a second, and Roman goes right through the table.
  • Roman back in the ring, and Kevin up on the turnbuckle for another splash, for a two count.
  • Kevin catches an elbow from Roman, tries to come back with a kick but Roman catches his foot. Sitout powerbomb from Roman gets a two-count.
  • Roman signals for the spear again, but Kevin gets a rollup. Roman kicks out, but Kevin hits the Pop-Up Powerbomb – but Roman gets his foot under the rope.
  • Kevin climbs out of the ring and fetches his Universal title – the referee tries to take it back off him, but when Kevin goes to hit Roman with it, Roman knocks him down with a Spear.
  • Suddenly, it’s a Jericho! Jericho stands between them, apparently not quite sure himself what he’s there for, then hits Kevin with a Codebreaker.

Kevin wins by disqualification, so retains his championship – then Jericho picks up the Universal title, and hands it back to Kevin, and raises his hand in celebration. Turns out those best friends just needed to air things out and let out some steam. Suddenly, Seth is on his way out to join in, and Roman takes Kevin down with a Spear as Seth takes out Jericho with a Pedigree. It’s a grand little flashback as Roman and Seth team up to powerbomb Jericho through the table, and as Kevin tries to leave, Seth grabs him and he gets powerbombed through a table as well.

Kevin retains his belt, but he doesn’t look very victorious, laying in the rubble of the table with Seth and Roman standing over him. Roman remembers that he already has a belt, and holds the US championship up victoriously, as we cut away from the show.

Well! We’ll see you Monday for RAW!