Gaywatch

GAYWATCH: 14th – 21st October ’16

Hello my darlings, and we’re starting to get into spooky season now! Hell in a Cell is coming up, only to be made slightly less scary by the pink ring rope for Breast Cancer Awareness month, but you know, I’m sure that won’t peturb anyone! Our kayfabulous delights are flourishing like fungi in an autumn wood, only slightly less moist and only minorly more unsettling. Without further ado – it’s WWE Gaywatch!

I do, sassy Undertaker, you’re right! We’ll start off with a little bit of coverage of Raw, from Monday night, where we had some time in the company of a famous ass.

No, not that one. Well, alright, yes, but I was referring to the fact that his boyfriend, Kevin Owens, is a bit of a jerk, not that Chris Jericho has a marvellous behind… but now you mention it, he is rather tight in the trunks, isn’t he? There’s a little over-spillage on those little purple budgie-smugglers. eh sparkle crotch?

Seth was trying to taunt Kevin about his litle liasons he’s had with Chris here and there, and that scratch mark Jericho left on Seth last week as a mark of ownership, so decided the best thing to do was to talk about Jericho’s crotch and ass for a good ten minutes, all the while looking like the smuggest angel ever to descend from the sort of heaven where they let you bring you own viagra.

That is a gorgeous ass though, Chris. Fair play to you. Kevin wasn’t too happy at the reminder that his man likes to play away during the week, and decided to take his frustrations out on Seth with scathing commentary about Seth’s single status. Kevin, he likes it that way. You don’t have to remember who you’re cheating on or with if none of it’s cheating, darling, and Seth looks at commitment the way Brock Lesnar looks at losing a match – not gonna happen for anything less than a billion dollars, and even then, you can’t guarantee he won’t just take the money and fuck it up anyhow!

You know what the answer to this is, boys, don’t you?

Threesome.

See, Seth knows what I’m talking about! Also on Raw, we had Goldberg, an ancient warrior who once bested the beast that is Brock Lesnar’s hunger for bottoming. The New Day were cheering him on as he came to put a stop to Brock’s false assertions that he’s totally a top, nothing doing, and the audience seemed glad to see him as well. After all, we all saw the damage Brock did to poor Randy recently – blood, darlings, is not something we want to be seeing after a successful liason, not without proper safety precautions and informed consent – perhaps the one-night-only return of the guy who used to top him properly will calm him down a little? We can but hope, my lovelies.

Over on the blue brand, Dean Ambrose seems to have worried that he’s been neglecting his dick for a little while, concentrating on titles and matches, of all things! Well, I think he might have finally decided to put the abstinance behind him; he was out on Tuesday to show us some of his new moves, to great acclaim. Phew. What I wouldn’t give to be that microphone, sweetlings. Is it warm in here, or have I just popped the heating on now that it’s autumn?

Dean’s picked himself a new boyfriend, and… well, it’s fair to say he’s not in the same league as Seth or Roman, for example, or even the same league as AJ or Dolph. But Dean seems smitten, and it’s nice to see him with a blond for once!

AJ’s totally not impressed. Or feeling threatened by Dean taking on a new boyfriend when AJ himself hasn’t been able to hold down a stable relationship since Chris ‘Sparkle Crotch’ Jericho left him.

Now now, AJ, don’t be so hard on yourself – you’ll find someone soon. Meanwhile, Bray Wyatt is still trying to seduce Randy Orton, with a seasonal affair that miiiight have backfired just a teensy little bit. Here’s a tip, Bray; if you’re a little spooky in general, it’s maybe not a good idea to bring a coffin on dates, because people might actually think you’re serious about having sex in it.

Do the lamb cultists watch, do you think, or do they leave before the actual penetration begins? Sorry, sorry, terrible curiosity. Anyhow, darlings, that’s it for this week – let me know of anything we missed, and as always, send gifs and pictures of moments you think should be mentioned to us on twitter or tumblr! You know, pretty things. Like this.

Mm, what a lift. We’ll be back next week, with our Halloween Spooktacular – possibly a little late, what with Hell in a Cell, and all – but until then, my lovelies, keep it kayfabulous!

(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions herein are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)