GAYWATCH: No Mercy – 15th September

Goodness me, darlings, how time flies while one is incapacitated with nasty germs! Well, now I’m back to feeling slightly more pumpkin spice latte than I have been, we’ll do a quick round up of who’s dallying with whom, and head into the rest of the month with a clean slate of kayfabulousness, and without me writing this from a bath full of wrestling figurines. Don’t judge me, sweetlings, Dean needed a wash. And you can’t wash Dean without Seth coming too, it’s just not done. Roman knows that all too well.

Speaking of Dean, let’s start with him. He and Chris Jericho’s little ex-fling have been having a battle of wills lately, over who gets to top and who gets to wear the shiny accessory in bed, and then up turns John Cena to get involved as well. Still, we all know that John Cena’s wandered off to play with the girls these days, so I don’t think Dean or AJ is particularly worried about him getting in the way of their animosity-laden little debauchery.

Speaking of Seth Rollins, the little minx was causing a stir online with a picture showing the marks Kevin Owens’ lover, Chris Jericho, had left on him. Seth, you homewrecker, can’t you keep it in your pants when it comes to other people’s lovers?

Meow, calm down, tiger! Chris seemed fairly unruffled when he sauntered out with Kevin Owens, the two of them running the gamut of daddy kink, with leather daddy on one side and suit daddy on the other.  Darlings, my knees melted, I nearly fell over. If every you’ve had a think for older men, sweetlings, this is your golden ticket. Just stare. Go on. We’ll be back when you’re done, don’t worry. We’ll wait for you.

Good grief. Those boys do know how to drive us wild, don’t they? And speaking of wild,. Cesaro and Sheamus are a rare pair, aren’t they? With the two of them not sure whether they want to fight or fuck it out, we’re all on tenterhooks, boys, don’t leave us waiting!

And it seems like we’re not the only ones enjoying this little pairing getting an airing – Big E seemed beside himself in his need to tell us all about Cesaro’s best features, and then Kofi practically threw himself on the poor boy. Honestly, Cesaro, if you can’t pick yourself a lover, it looks like the whole of The New Day would be happy to have you!

Back over to the SmackDown boys, and I hear there’s been a little Miz-ery going around, hm? Seems like Mizzle and Ziggles decided to have a scrap over a shiny little belt and which one of them is the better man. Judging by the way Ziggler rolled out of the that ring, darlings, my money’s on the man still walking – albeit with a little limp. Limp what, exactly, well, I shan’t be so crass as to speculate!

Well, my lovelies, that’s all for this week, but hopefully this autumn flu will cease to make a mockery of all that I hold dear, and we’ll be back on track for next week. Help us out by sending your kayfabulous little delights to us on tumblr, and we’ll see what we can pull together with our wicked idle hands before then.

Something, something, something snatch? Look, they can’t all be greats. We’ll see you next week, darlings, and until then – stay kayfabulous!

(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions herein are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)