DOUBLE GAYWATCH: Backlash – 23rd September ’16

Hello my darlings, and aren’t we all looking utterly kayfabulous this week? Now, I’ve got a bit of a special treat, as we missed last week’s Gaywatch. Risque behaviour has been a little thin on the ground this week, our boys must be having a little slump between Backlash and Clash of Champions, so we’ll do a double recap, this week and last, including the PPV, to make up for the comparative drought of this week. We’re going to have marvellous fun, my lovelies, just you wait and see!

Yes, thank you Shawn, most edifying. Good attention paid to those balls, that’s a nice tip – and not just the tip! Last week, Kevin Owens seemed to have got into loverboy Chris Jericho’s stash of little blue pills, because he was getting his flirt on with simply everybody!

After he’d had his fill of Seth, Kevin took to groping Tom Phillips, a usual target for himself and Jericho, and discussed their threesome from a couple of weeks ago. Tom didn’t seem too happy to talk about it on camera. Aw, Tom, don’t worry. I bet Kevin will even wear the belt for you. In fact, I bet you can’t really convince him to take it off, frankly.

But finally, Kevin decided Roman Reigns needed his hair pulled and a little verbal abuse. It’s okay, Roman’s into that, so we hear. Every boo from the crowd just plumps up that doubtlessly pretty dick, and Kevin knows that, so he used his big mouth to best effect! Honestly, boys, we’re trying to run a wrestling show here, not a brothel… although on Raw, I see how you could get confused, what with all the red lights.

Chris Jericho was busy on the Highlight Reel, insinuating that the ex-boyfriend of his precious murderbear spends a lot of time flat on his back with his legs wide open!

Sami and Chris had a little scuffle when it was revealed that Kev texted Chris before the show, and Sami no longer had Kevin’s number. Now now, Chris, it’s always good to be gracious in victory, there’s no sense rubbing it in to poor Sami that he’s never going to have his boyfriend back now, is it? Honestly, sweetling, you’ve got to learn to stop crowing about everything.

Speaking of crowing, historical braggart Seth Rollins was pushing his luck with Mick Foley. Apparently, not having daddy Trips to keep him on a leash – ooh, there’s an image for you – means that Seth’s prone to acting out like a naughty puppy. Mick had to threaten to spank him to keep him in line, and repeatedly tell him to behave! Use a firm hand, Mick, he seems like he’ll need it.

At Backlash, Bray Wyatt was trying to prove that he’s the best man for Randy by copying Randy’s trademark pose. Now, it’s sweet when couples take on a ferw attributes of each other, but if you’re not carefuly, Bray, you’ll be having matching beige jumpers and no sex life. Then again, I’m still not sure that you’re really the right man for Randy. But you are trying hard to win his heart, and we can all respect that.

Over to the blue brand, and AJ Styles was keen to let us know, before his bout with Dean Ambrose, that he’s no stranger to a little time with Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters! Keep it to yourself, AJ, there’s no strength in being single in this business – it’s all about who you’re with and who wants to be with you.

Dean Ambrose was being his usual charming self, pointing out his mouth to AJ, and letting him know that he’s back on the market for a little bout of road head between the shows. Honestly, AJ, take him up on it. If he could satisfy stubborn Roman and constantly complaining Seth, then we’re sure he’ll do wonders for you, good Christian boy that you are. If it helps, just imagine he’s on his knees to pray – though you’ll be the one trying to talk to God.

Dean seemed happy to show AJ some positions, if he was determined to play the good little boy, and pretend that he’s never fucked anything other than his own hand, but AJ went into them far too easily to be unpracticed. AJ, if you’re going to play the blushing virgin, at least try to make it convincing? Even if we all know you’re a little slattern really.

John Cena seems a little bit unhappy with Dean in recent weeks. Possibly it’s because Dean’s flirting with AJ, and Cena put his stamp on that sweet ass a long time ago, but honestly John, there’s no call for insulting Dean’s equipment!

My goodness, the Usos have had a makeover, haven’t they? Bad boys to the core, they stalked down to the ring to the sounds of thousands of pairs of underwear being ruined. Pardon me, darlings, is it warm in here, or is it just the two gorgeous boys in the centre of the room?

The Miz and Dolph Ziggler were having some rather vicious foreplay in the ring – imagine if these two could set aside the hate sex and become a team. I rather think they’d threaten Tyler and Fandango’s title as the sexiest tag team on either brand, two sparkly boys with egos around the same size as mach trunks, and dicks only a little smaller – don’t you agree?

As for this week, my sweets, I have to apologise for the lack of delicious goodies, but not only have I been feeling distinctly under the weather, but I feel like Raw has been keeping their boys under control in the run up to Clash of Champions. Sure, they might have locked some of the lads in a cage, but darlings, if you wanted to talk about wrestling, you wouldn’t be reading this, now, would you? So let’s have a teensy peek at a couple of moments, and say no more about it.

Chris Jericho treated us to a list of his past lovers which was far longer than his 1004 holds, and took about twenty-five minutes to read in full. I shan’t tell you who was on it, sweetlings, but let’s just say, Chris has got around in the last few years, and he’s not ashamed to let anyone know it!

Rhyno and Heath Slater are still best of friends, watching porn together! Oh, my mistake, that’s not porn, that’s the Usos and American Alpha having a match. Well, six of one, half a dozen of the other, hm? The Usos are certainly starring in a few more fantasies now they’re really bad boys, aren’t they? Mm, yes please.

Well, that’s it for this week, darlings. I’ll see you next week for more risque repartee than you can shake a stick at. Until then, lovelies, keep it kayfabulous!

(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions herein are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)