Hello my darlings! It’s Steph here, with another kay-fabulous delight for your personal pleasures. It’s been a couple of weeks, so we’ll cover SummerSlam as well as last week’s Raw and SmackDown. Feels good to get back on the horse and take it for a long, hard ride, if I’m honest, my lovelies. I’m sure you know the feeling, when you’ve got an itch and there’s only one way to scratch it – but enough about my Friday nights, and on with the Gaywatch!
Many thanks to Johnny Knockout for telling us just how he feels about wrestling – babe, we’re all there with you! (Byron Saxton, young man, don’t you look like you’re shocked – we’ve all heard your weekend name, Mr Sexton!) So, let’s start with that little tease Dean Ambrose, who’s been flaunting his enormous prize all over SmackDown – and no, we don’t mean the WWE World Championship!
Mm, look at those hips go! Seems like Dean’s got his eyes on AJ Styles, who hasn’t been able to keep a boyfriend for more than a week since arriving at WWE – poor dalring, I wonder what keeps going wrong? Still, he certainly looked in his element, staring up at Dean, both of them sweaty and panting – when both of them should have been paying attention to poor Dolph Ziggler, to be frank! Dolph, with his shiny silver slut pants, making the effort, but his dream men are always looking at each other instead. Don’t worry, baby, someone’ll love you like you deserve one day. I promise.
Then again, I’m not sure that Dean’s entirely holding little slattern AJ’s attention, as he seems to be thinking about someone else. He’s been all about John Cena for a while, and now he’s started wearing discarded bits of Cena’s clothing, too. Honestly, that’s a little bit concerning, AJ, that’s… stalker behaviour, darling, we talked about this, didn’t we? You’ve not got Gallows and Anderson, but that doesn’t mean you have to start stealing clothes and dressing up like the lover you wish you had. Please. Just call Karl and ask him for phone sex.
Speaking of Gallows and Anderson, they’ve not wasted any time getting themselves some new boys to play with, and that’s The New Day! Xavier Woods doesn’t seem too into their puerile humour about testicles, so he might be sitting the orgy out, but Kofi and Big E seem to playing along just fine, with Kofi practically throwing himself at Luke!
That said, Karl seems to be taking it pretty good from Big E, whom we know is fond of giving a spanking or two. Or three. Better make sure you’ve got your safeword handy, Karl, apparently Big E is big all over, and you might be thinking better about sitting after he’s had his turn at you, sweetheart!
In a turn up for the books, someone who isn’t going to be joining in with the Club orgy anytime soon is Finn Balor, the gorgeous Irishman who was the first NXT callup in the draft, and who’s been setting hearts aflame ever since we laid eyes on him. He’s got some history with AJ, Gallows, and Anderson, but he seemed reluctant to join in the group hug when speaking to them at SummerSlam – ouch! Maybe Finn’s got his eyes on bigger and better things on his own roster.
Speaking of bad boyfriends, Randy Orton came out with a mocking bounce to his ex, Brock Lesnar, who is basically a cave troll someone taught to speak. There, I said it. Randy deserves better, and he deserved better than ten staples in his head and having to convince a concerned Chris Jericho that big Brock was only playing. Seriously, Randy, don’t go back with him. Chris is a nice lover, he’ll treat you right, baby boy – how about you play with him for a little while, and we keep that meatheaded oaf away from you?
Bray Wyatt’s another one taking a creepy interest in Randy, although with Bray’s sensibilities, it seems like he’s much more into a mutual masturbation sort of deal – he likes to watch. Randy, seriously, I know you think anything’s better than Brock, but… think twice on this one, yeah?
Not content with standing up for Randy this week, Chris Jericho has also been getting his lover-cum-bestie Kevin Owens to apologise to Tom Phillips. The two were seen chatting up the cutie interviewer backstage, with Kevin even pulling him in for an affectionate hug. Maybe Dirty Tom is going to get the threesome of his dreams between these two – a big old maple syrup sandwich! Just be careful with him, boys, and bring him back in the same condition he left in.
Goodness me, darlings, Chris Jericho has either got incredible stamina for a man his age, or has been hitting the little blue pills something fierce, because he’s also been pulling Roman Reigns’ hair and trying to take his clothes off in front of an audience of millions! Chris, honestly, I know it stays hard for hours now, but there’s a limit on how often you should be doing something like that. Can’t have to putting your back out with all these younger lovers, dear one – be careful!
Speaking of the younger boys, American Alpha were very naughty this week, when they got poor Tyler Breeze on his back, curled up with his arse in the air for everyone to see! Boys, Fandango’s spent months trying to get him into that position, and you just walk in and expect it? That’s not how this sort of thing works, lovelies, you’ve got to earn the right to an arse that pretty, and if you don’t put the effort in and wear something more fashionable, you won’t get another chance at it. Be told.
Finally, X-Box cosplayer Seth Rollins has been keeping himself out of the relationship drama lately, it seemed. On Raw, having heard that Finn Balor was going to be out for several months with a bad shoulder, and therefore wouldn’t be around to flirt voraciously with, the roster became a group of grumpy teenagers all looking for something to shag. But not Seth, who stood aloof and cynical at a distance, as if he wasn’t interested in the fuss from everyone else. Seth Rollins, drama queen extraordinaire, not wanting to play hide the sausage? How strange!
Could it be that Seth has finally decided to settle down with one man? Could it be that he’s made up his mind not to slut about anymore, now he’s hit thirty? And who could the man he’s chosen to settle down with possibly be?
I wonder! Well, we’ll leave that to simmer in your wild and filthy imaginations, darlings, but we’ll be back next week with more homoerotic hijinks and cock-related capers! Until then, my lovelies, stay utterly kay-fabulous – as you always do.
(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions herein are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)