nxt · Rehash

Rehash: NXT 20th July ’16

“Tonight, NXT brings you -” The Bayley fix you can’t get on the main roster because we apparently needed Mojo Rawley instead. What the narrator wanted me to take away from it is the three huge matches we’re getting: Samoa Joe vs. Rhyno, American Alpha vs. Authors of Pain and Bayley vs. Nia Jax.

Each match has its own title card and accompanying video package. The Joe vs. Rhyno match got Joe being a badass and Rhyno massacring everyone for…Reasons? American Alpha vs. Authors of Pain had that audio clip where I misheard Jordan saying ‘Office of Pain’ and I am still hearing Office of Pain. What do you think the dress code in the Office of Pain is? The Bayley vs. Nia Jax match got a recap of Nia taking out Bayley’s knee, in lovely black and white.

The narrator ends the opening with “It’s fight night on NXT.” Which is a nice sentiment, but we’re talking about professional wrestling – isn’t every night fight night?

It’s fun watching the title sequence and seeing everyone who isn’t in NXT anymore. Finn Balor, Alexa Bliss, Carmella, Nia Jax – they’ve all been promoted to the main roster.

We come into most of Full Sail standing up and chanting “NXT!” Three members of the Full Sail audience stand up as the camera is panning past them, all looking very disgruntled about having to stand up. When I attended Raw, I was at the very top of the arena – be happy you get to sit so close, even if the audience around you successfully peer pressured you into standing up.

MATCH: Rhyno vs. Samoa Joe

Tom tells us that we’re kicking things off with a “brutal match up” and it takes me a second to realize which match this is. Presumably the opening with a literal rhinoceros in it is somehow connect to Rhyno. Presumably. I may be wrong.

Rhyno comes out and just as I’m muttering that he’s huge, our announcer – who I believe is Dasha Fuentes, but I may be wrong – says he’s 290lb. That is a huge guy. Too bad he can’t make a mental impact the same size.

Tom says “we were surprised to see Rhyno return to NXT” and yep. Yep. I was surprised. Probably not for the same reason, but I was surprised.

Samoa Joe’s entrance is amazing and his music is awesome and he’s the monster heel in NXT, but I love this man. I love this man. He is awesome. Joe’s good enough to retain heel heat even though he’s lost his favorite chew toy, Finn Balor, to the main roster.

Tom called Rhyno’s move last week as “bold” and Corey cut in, to say “Bold is one way of putting it. Stupid is another.” I am so damn glad this man is coming up to the main roster. Thank you, WWE. That is a really great reason to watch Raw now. Corey adds that Rhyno disrespected the emperor.

Joe comes out, looking like the absolute boss he is. He’s actually apparently eight pounds lighter than Rhyno – 282lb to Rhyno’s monstrous 290lb. Joe, however, is actually really acrobatic – one of his signature moves is an enzuigiri, so this won’t just be a battle of two mountains. Hopefully.

I honestly don’t know who I’m supposed to cheer for here – Rhyno has had very little to no screen time while I’ve been watching NXT and Joe is the monster heel in charge of NXT. This is conflicting.

  • Full Sail has no such conflictions – they’re chanting “Rhyno!” before the bell is even rung.
  • Corey calls both of these men ‘deceptively fast’, on top of being powerful.
  • “Rhyno” warps into “Let’s go Rhyno!” as Joe and Rhyno lock up. They break up a few seconds later.
  • I think Full Sail is now chanting “Love more Rhyno!” or something very similar, which is apparently confusing? To Rhyno? Going off of the facial expression he had right there. He and Joe are now circling each other.
  • A determined faction of Joe fans – probably the same people swaying along to his entrance – are chanting “Let’s go Joe!” as Rhyno and Joe lock up again.
  • Rhyno gets Joe in a wrist lock, before pulling him into a headlock. I can’t tell if Rhyno’s backing up to the ropes or if Joe is pushing him back towards the ropes.
  • Considering that this results in Rhyno letting Joe go, then bouncing off the opposing ropes into a shoulder block, I’m gonna go with Joe was pushing Rhyno back.
  • There’s a moment where Joe and Rhyno are standing in the middle of the ring – Joe yells something about ‘the champ’, before telling Rhyno “Let’s go”. From Rhyno’s screaming launch from the ropes, I assume he was taking Joe’s challenge.
  • However, Joe didn’t so much as flinch when Rhyno bounced into his shoulder. Absolute boss, I’m telling you.
  • Corey says it was like “two Mack trucks colliding head on”, right as Joe slaps Rhyno in the face.
  • Man, Rhyno has a lot of hair. Hair that is going everywhere. Every shot of his face so far has had chunks of his hair stuck to it. In all honesty, I’m probably supposed to be focused on the look of growing anger on Rhyno’s face, but, dude. You have so much hair! Have you ever heard of a scrunchy? Or a hair tie? Or a hair cut?
  • Joe, however, is just amused at Rhyno’s expression. He looks at the ropes, telling Rhyno to give it another go.
  • Rhyno bounces off the ropes – Joe goes to punch him, but he ducks underneath, bouncing off the opposing ropes. Joe ran towards Rhyno, which only resulted in him getting knocked down.
  • First time either of them have hit the floor so far, even though they’ve both attempted to knock each other down in that fashion.
  • Rhyno gets Joe into the corner – first he chops him in the chest, then he punches him in the head. He lets Joe go to walk to the next corner – rinse, lather and repeat for that corner.
  • However, in the third corner, Joe begins to fight back. He chops Rhyno in the chest, knocking him backwards. He chops Rhyno again, then elbows him.
  • Rhyno comes back, kicking Joe in the midsection. He grabs Joe’s head, then maneuvered him into the corner again. I know we’re not far into this match, but Rhyno, man, do you have any moves which require neither the corner nor the ropes? Well, wait, you did do a headlock early. Nevermind.
  • He punches Joe in the chest, then – honestly, quite gingerly – pulled Joe’s head up. Like, a very gentle hand under the chin to tip it up.
  • Rhyno pulls Joe out of the corner – why, I’m not sure. He seemed really intent on getting Joe in there before. But as he’s going to whip Joe, Joe manages to whip him into the opposing turnbuckle instead.
  • In contrast to how gently Rhyno treated Joe’s head, there was a loud thump and grunt when Rhyno connected with the corner. Then another one when Joe ran in and hit him with his shoulder.
  • Really, Joe, that’s not how you react to someone being nice to you.
  • Joe does his enzuigiri – Rhyno drops to his knees, then rolls on the floor. He’s holding his face now.
  • Joe paces back and forth by Rhyno’s head. “You wanna go?” He challenges. “Get up!” Joe reaches down, grabbing Rhyno’s head.
  • Rhyno starts to get to his feet and right before he pulls himself up all the way, Joe gets him in the face.
  • Joe continues to punch him, as Full Sail goes “Joe!” in time with his hits.
  • Large chop to Rhyno’s chest.
  • Joe grabs Rhyno by the head and rams him into the turnbuckle. Rhyno collapses to the floor.
  • Grabbing Rhyno by the head – again, I guess it’s at least not the hair – Joe starts to pull him up and out of the corner. However, Rhyno is starting to fight back. He gets Joe in the chest with a large chop.
  • Rhyno heads to the ropes and right as he bounces off them, Joe runs into him. Rhyno hits the floor.
  • The first pin attempt of the match. Rhyno kicks out at two.
  • Rhyno is holding his nose – I assume it got injured somewhere in here. He’s kneeling down and Joe grabs his head and shoves it down hard and fast. From the accompanying “Ow!”, I’m assuming Joe managed to ram Rhyno’s elbow into his knee, in turn shoving Rhyno’s nose into his hand.
  • Rhyno gets to his feet and takes a punch to the face from Joe. Rhyno, however, retaliates with a large chop to Joe’s chest. Joe bends over, trying to regain his breath, which opens him up to a punch to the face from Rhyno.
  • Tom says this “knock down drag out style” is exactly what they wanted for this match.
  • Rhyno goes to whip Joe into the corner and gets whipped into it instead. Ow, fuck, did that make a noise when he collided. And did he make a noise when he collided. He bounced off the turnbuckle, face first into the mat and just ouch. Ouch. Ouch. He’s now rolling on the mat, clutching his face.
  • Fuck, that looked painful. From the way he, Joe and the ref are just continuing on, I assume that was either on purpose or nowhere near as bad as it looked, but – fuck. Shit, that looked painful.
  • Someone started chanting “Let’s go Rhyno!” as Joe grabbed Rhyno by the head and rolled him into a sitting position, over Joe’s arm. Joe chopped him in the back, then kicked him in the chest to knock him flat.
  • Elbow drop, then Joe covered Rhyno. Rhyno kicked out at two and a half to a small contingent of fans chanting “Let’s go Joe!”
  • Joe looks, simply put, utterly pissed.
  • Tom is apparently quoting Joe, who said anyone who’s trying for his belt has to stand before “a throne of broken bones”, while Joe applies pressure to the juncture between Rhyno’s neck and shoulder. Presumably there’s an actual name for that. I, however, don’t know it.
  • “Not only does he beat people up, he says incredibly cool stuff like that,” Corey says, sounding a bit fangirl-ish.
  • The crowd is chanting “Rhyno!” as he tries to fight his way back out.
  • Rhyno is slowly climbing to his feet – he’s started hitting Joe in the chest in an attempt break out of the submission. On the third hit, Rhyno escapes.
  • Samoa Joe does a move combination which he, presumably, does a lot, since it’s listed on his Wikipedia page. Inverted atomic drop into a big boot, followed by a running senton. However, this time Rhyno rolls out of the way and Samoa Joe lands flat on his back.
  • The ref is starting to count, since both men are on the mat. He almost makes it to four, but Joe makes it to his feet.
  • There’s a moment – between two and three of the ref’s count – where Rhyno reaches for the ropes, even though he’s too far away to actually grab one, and you know he’s just thinking that if he can get to the ropes, he can stand up and that was a really cool moment of storytelling.
  • You could also see him realizing that he couldn’t reach the ropes – in the way his hand and eyes dropped – and that he had to do it himself and that’s just really fucking cool, y’all.
  • Sorry, moving on, back to the match.
  • Tom says that’s the thing with “super heavyweights”. “When you miss, you miss big.”
  • Joe was going to do – something? An elbow or punch to the head, I think, but Rhyno blocked it with his arm and got his own shot in. This was repeated twice – Joe getting blocked, Rhyno getting his own shot in – before Rhyno chopped Joe in the chest hard, knocking him to the ropes.
  • Rhyno bounces Joe off the ropes, then whips him into the opposing ropes. When Joe comes back, Rhyno knocks him to the ground.
  • Rhyno knocks Joe to the ground again – I’m fairly certain that was a clothesline.
  • While the camera is focused on Rhyno, Joe heads to the corner, opening himself up for a shoulder to the midsection.
  • Rhyno catches Joe and gives him a huge belly-to-belly. Joe basically covered the entire ring diagonally in that move.
  • Rhyno is kneeling in the corner opposite Joe’s and the crowd is chanting “Gore!” He gets up, he starts running and – ouch! Kick to the head from Joe. That’s one way to stop a charging Rhyno, apparently.
  • Joe attacks Rhyno with “kodiak bear paws”, according to Corey.
  • This, however, does not play out in his favor. A screaming Rhyno grabs him by the head and throws him into the turnbuckle. Tom says Rhyno’s fighting back.
  • “Was.” Corey says, talking over whatever Tom was saying. “Was fighting back.” Joe caught Rhyno and slammed him into the ground.
  • Joe wraps himself around Rhyno, in an attempt to lock in the Coquina Clutch.
  • Rhyno taps.
  • Samoa Joe wins by submission.

Corey says that no one is gonna beat Samoa Joe. “I am making a declaration tonight – no one on Earth will beat Samoa Joe for that NXT Championship.”

We finally get to see our two commentators and – Corey! I’m ashamed of you. I think this is my first NXT recap ever where I didn’t like what you were wearing. Shame. However, Tom is wearing a nice dark blue suit with a very eye-catching red, blue and white plaid tie.

Tom reminds us that our main event tonight is Nia Jax vs. Bayley.

Backstage interview with Asuka – I love her hair. I love her belt. I just love her. I love her. I’m not sure who the interviewer is – NXT’s two interviewers are Cathy Kelley and…The other one. Who doesn’t have a profile on WWE.com. Can we fix that soon? But several google searches later (I’m not kidding), I believe I’m looking at Andrea D’Marco.

Andrea asks Asuka who she would prefer to defend her title against – Bayley or Nia Jax. Asuka’s response is “I fight Bayley. I fight Nia. I fight both.”, before smiling. Triple threat? I’m down for that.

A graphic advertises the American Alpha vs. Authors of Pain match, coming up next, before we cut to an ad for the Cruiserweight Classic.

Tom reminds us about the Draft last night and…I think I’ve seen this before. Yes, I have seen this segment before. It’s a segment showing us the NXT wrestlers drafted last night and introducing them to us a little bit. If you want to watch it, but not dig around in the episode looking for it, WWE posted it to their YouTube channel under the name ‘Meet the Superstars Drafted from NXT’.

I still love that Daniel Bryan said “They’re ready, willing and Gable” when he picked American Alpha. I seriously love it.

Watching this, I’m still not sure if any of them were told before they were picked during the Draft. Nia gasped, Alexa cried and when she’s talking to…Andrea, I think, after she’s stopped crying, you can hear her voice wobbling a bit. Mojo Rawley almost convinced me to forgive him for not being Bayley. The wardrobe is unforgivable, the gimmick is grating, but Mojo Rawley seems to be an awesome guy – albeit a slightly hyperactive one. However, he is still not forgiven for being NXT call up #5, when Bayley wasn’t a call up at all.

The segment ends on a picture of all seven of them and, man, is that a lot of blue. Go SmackDown, whoo!

MATCH: American Alpha vs. Authors of Pain

Jordan and Gable come out and – nope. Nope. Nope. I swear, there’s a competition in the NXT Tag Team division to see who can have the worst ring gear. We’ve moved from ‘90’s throwback’ to ‘The rag my grandmother uses to clean her brushes while painting’.

The Authors of Pain run out – man, do they look like a Shield knock off – and attack Gable and Jordan as they attempt to walk down the ramp.

Welp. I don’t think we’re getting a match. Corey points out that Jason is MIA – god knows where the hell he ended up – and Gable is getting destroyed by the Authors of Pain. They slammed Gable into the entrance ramp and he rolled off of it. While he lays on the ground, they’re yelling at the crowd in – I’m not sure what language that is, I’m just relatively certain it’s not English.

And Paul Ellering walks out, as refs and medical staff flood to where Gable is lying and – hey! Found Jordan! He’s lying on the opposite side of the ramp, near the stage.

Mr. Ellering stands there and applauds the destruction to the boos of several very displeased Full Sail audience members. Corey and Tom apparently have no information for us about the Authors of Pain (I, however, know from Nia Jax’s snapchat that they went to CostCo recently. And they spent a lot of time in the meat section. C’mon, Tom, Corey, get your shit together).

Tom reminds us that we’re supposed to be having a match right now, but Gable and Jordan do not seem to be in any condition to wrestle right now. The Authors of Pain are amazingly in-sync as they climb into the ring. According to Tom, up next on NXT, we’re gonna find out if we’re gonna have a match.

Ad break for Battleground! Speaking of the Shield, this is the legit team. While the Authors of Pain are two huge guys with an elderly manager, instead of three guys of varying size, they just really remind me of the Shield. Their gear does look different and they are different in that they’re not yelling about ‘justice’ all the time, my first thought when I see them is still ‘the Shield’ and that’s not useful when one is trying to create a new tag team.

We come back from the ad break to a recap of the Authors of Pain beating up our poor, poor babies. Then we get a shot of William Regal watching as the medical staff help American Alpha up, before cutting to a reasonably smug Paul Ellering and the Authors of Pain in the ring.

…Well, I’m not sure if I’d call it ‘the medical staff helping Jason and Gable up’, or ‘the medical staff standing back and watching as Jason and Gable physically drag themselves up’. Y’all suck, you know that, right? They are literally crawling up the steps to the stage. Crawling. And y’all are just standing there. Really, mates? Really? C’mon. Y’all bloody suck.

Once Gable and Jordan are on the stage, they manage to stand up and – oh, poor Gable. I know you’re really upset about this, I would be, too, but you need to stop pushing people. I’m amazed you’re standing on your own and by shoving the medical staff, you’re knocking yourself off balance.

The crowd is chanting “Alpha” and I am incredibly unimpressed with them. Gable is basically falling over while he attempts to stand. You’re just making him more determined to do a match he is physically incapable of. Stop it.

I am sighing as I watch American Alpha drag a referee into the ring with them, before attacking the Authors of Pain. The bell hasn’t rung, so I’m not sure if it’s an official match or Gable and Jordan hurting themselves more than they already are. Corey is calling this a “dumb, dumb decision” and I agree with him. I love that you two are so fired up and gung ho and shit, but can’t y’all wait until you’re not battered and bruised to be fired up and gung ho and shit?

The referee is trying to call it off and make them stop, as Gable manages to flip one of the Authors of Pain out of the ring over the ropes. It looks like the man’s hand got caught in the ropes and I’m having flashbacks to reading about Mick Foley losing his ear. Props to Gable for managing to untangle his hand from the ropes while appearing to beat on him more.

Jason and Gable get the Authors of Pain out of the ring and immediately the two unnamed men – I need names. Please give me names. I really, really would like names. Anyway, they both walk over to Ellering. He points at Jordan and Gable in the ring, then both Authors of Pain climb into the ring.

  • The ref just called for the bell. I disapprove. Tom says he “can’t believe” that we’re having this match and I agree. I agree.
  • Jordan and ‘the tattooed one’ (As named by Tom. Can I have names, please?) are the legal men.
  • The Tattooed One runs towards Jordan and gets an arm drag, before being shoved into Jason and Gable’s corner.
  • Jordan rams his shoulder into The Tattooed One’s midsection three times, then Gable tags himself in. Gable rams his shoulder into The Tattooed One’s midsection three times, then Jordan tags himself in.
  • In a slightly different move, Jordan backs up to the middle of the ring, then charges, shoving his shoulder into The Tattooed One’s midsection.
  • Jordan tags Gable in for a double suplex to The Tattooed One.
  • Gable bridges into the cover and The Tattooed One kicked out at one.
  • Gable attempts to chain wrestle with The Tattooed One, who isn’t having it. The Tattooed One managed to finagle Gable and himself into the Authors of Pain’s corner.
  • The Other One (yes, the Authors of Pain are now ‘The Tattooed One’ and ‘The Other One’ until otherwise noted) tags himself in.
  • The Tattooed One bounces Gable off the ropes, then catches him and throws him over his head to be caught by The Other One. While The Other One has Gable in a bear hug – complete with flailing and screaming as Gable realizes this was a Bad Idea – The Tattooed One bounces off the ropes, launches up and smacks his arm into the back of Gable’s head.
  • The Other One drops Gable to the ground, then starts yelling in – I still have no idea.
  • This gives Gable the opportunity to roll over. It looks like Gable was about to start using The Other One to climb up, from the way he grabbed his pants, then realized this was yet another Bad Idea.
  • The Other One grabs Gable by the hair, hauls him and then forces him back into the Authors of Pain’s corner.
  • The Tattooed One tags himself in, right before we get a shot of a contemptuous Paul Ellering.
  • The Tattooed One gives Gable a large knee to the midsection while Corey says that American Alpha should’ve “quit when they had the chance”. Yes. However, they are just oh so fired up and stupid. Very, very stupid. This was a very, very stupid idea, what the fuck were you two thinking.
  • The Authors of Pain are alternating kneeing Gable in the chest while Corey says that American Alpha should’ve decided to “live to fight another day”. Seriously, the fuck were you two thinking.
  • The Authors of Pain step back, letting Gable literally fall flat on his face (ow. So much facial abuse today, guys). The Other One climbs out of the ring while The Tattooed One yells while pointing at Gable.
  • Gable was starting to get back to his feet, but The Tattooed One put his foot on his head, knocking Gable down again.
  • For pure sadism, I think the Authors of Pain are beating the Shield a little.
  • The Tattooed One pulls Gable up, then hauls him into…A bear hug, I think? It’s slightly odd, because Gable’s left arm is on the right side of The Tattooed One’s head. The Tattooed One hits him twice in the back and seriously. Seriously, American Alpha, this was a very Bad Idea. What the fuck were you two thinking.
  • Gable’s bandanna is now slipping down his hair. He’s fighting back against The Tattooed One, as Full Sail chants “Alpha!” and – I think The Tattooed One is saying “No.”
  • Gable’s bandanna is now more ‘ineffective ponytail holder’ than ‘bandanna’, but he’s now elbowing The Tattooed One in the head – see, this is why you do a normal bear hug, not a weird one which sticks his arm right where he needs it.
  • Gable’s bandanna has now fallen completely off his head as he managed to get out of The Tattooed One’s grasp. However, as he tries to reach for Jordan, The Tattooed One picks him up and rams him back into the Authors of Pain’s corner.
  • The Other One tags himself in and, man, does Gable look limp right there. Congratulations on your very stupid idea, you two. Well done. I applaud your genius and well tuned self preservation instinct. Well fucking done.
  • The Other One is now kicking Gable in the stomach. I’m starting to turn into Chris Jericho as I mutter “Stupid idiot.”
  • Corey says that the Authors of Pain aren’t just “trying to make a mark”, but that they’re actually “trying to destroy American Alpha.” And it’d be so much fucking harder for them if Gable and Jordan hadn’t decided on this Very Stupid Idea. Stupid idiots.
  • Gable is now collapsed in the Authors of Pain’s corner as The Other One points at him and yells. They do that a lot, pointing at Gable and yelling.
  • “This is about physically destroying two other grown men.” Yep.
  • The Tattooed One has tagged himself in, I believe, and they’re now pulling Gable to the middle.
  • The Tattooed One gets Gable back into that slightly bizarre bear hug and – seriously. Have you learned nothing from him elbowing his way out earlier? Nothing. You learned absolutely nothing.
  • The crowd is chanting “Gable” as the man in question tries to fight out. And – oh, c’mon, man, you fucking know what works and you’re not bloody doing it. Instead of elbowing The Tattooed One in the head, which worked earlier, Gable is trying to…Shove? The Tattooed One off of him.
  • The Tattooed One lessened his grip on Gable
  • Gable attempted to escape.
  • The Tattooed One picked him up.
  • Gable went over top of The Tattooed One, attempting a sunset flip, and got grabbed. Well done, there.
  • However, he did manage to escape The Tattooed One by rolling away.
  • Tag to Jason Jordan!
  • …Is it bad I don’t want American Alpha to win? Like, I don’t want them to win. I do not want their stupidity rewarded.
  • Jason grabs The Tattooed One’s legs, knocking him to the ground, and then started punching The Tattooed One in the head.
  • The Other One climbed into the ring, distracting JJ from The Tattooed One. Jordan charged into The Other One, who’s trapped in the corner, and is ramming his shoulder into The Other One’s stomach.
  • Jordan punches The Other One, while The Tattooed One climbs to his feet. While it looks like this won’t work out in Jordan’s favor, Jordan turns around and hits The Tattooed One with a lariat.
  • Jordan catches The Other One and – I’m not sure what this move is. It starts like a belly-to-belly suplex, but Jason threw The Other One over his head.
  • Jason is now sticking out his tongue and removing the straps of his singlet. The Tattooed One is supporting himself using the ropes directly behind Jordan.
  • Jordan uses a gutwrench suplex on The Tattooed One, then covers him for an attempted pin. The Tattooed One kicked out at one.
  • Jordan does not look pleased at this.
  • I think Full Sail just chanted “Suplex city”, but it was fairly muted.
  • Jordan wrapped his arms around The Tattooed One’s neck and head, hauling him up, but The Tattooed One managed to push him off.
  • Jordan ran back towards The Tattooed One, who wrapped an arm around Jordan’s legs, then fell backwards. This resulted in Jordan landing midsection first on the top rope. Ow.
  • Gable, however, got the tag as Jordan lays on the mat, stunned.
  • Gable rams into The Tattooed One, knocking him to the ground, and begins to lay into him.
  • Gable delivers and exploder suplex to The Tattooed One.
  • Gable covers The Tattooed One for a two count.
  • Gable attempted to attack The Tattooed One again, but he instead got caught by The Tattooed one. It’s hard to figure out what The Tattooed One plans to do with Gable, since Gable started over his shoulder, then in front of him in an almost tombstone piledriver set up, and finally in a bridal carry.
  • The Other One climbed into the ring, but whatever the Authors of Pain were planning was foiled by Jason grabbing The Other One by the ankle and hauling him out of the ring.
  • Gable is flailing in The Tattooed One’s arms and it kinda feels like a weird wrestling fairy tale? Jordan’s the knight in an ugly singlet and Gable is the damsel in distress.
  • Gable managed to wrap his limbs around his dastardly attacker, pulling him through into the ankle lock.
  • Gable hauls The Tattooed One into the middle of the ring, but The Other One manages to grab The Tattooed One’s hands and drag him back towards the ropes. The boo coming from the Full Sail audience is the loudest reaction this match, I think. Since the attack on the ramp.
  • Jordan climbs into the ring, gives the whole Gable-Tattooed One-Other One debacle an…Interesting, we’ll go with interesting, expression, then runs towards the ropes.
  • Suicide dive from Jordan to The Other One!
  • However, by that point, The Other One had managed to haul The Tattooed One mostly out of the ring, so we’ll see how that worked out.
  • The Tattooed One fell out of the ring when The Other One fell down.
  • Now Full Sail is chanting “NXT!”
  • Gable is the only person in the ring and he’s slowly starting to climb to his feet. Full Sail is chanting “Jason Jordan!”, probably out of respect for the 6’3 man who just went flying out of the ring and is now lying beside the entrance ramp.
  • Gable is literally the only person in the ring. If he just fucking stays in there, he and Jordan will win by count out. But nooooo. Fucking genius here has to try some stupid shit – looked like a dropkick – and get caught by The Tattooed One.
  • To quote Corey Graves, “That was dumb.”
  • The Tattooed One pulls Gable out of the ring and does a giant swing – much like Cesaro’s, only instead of spinning Gable in circle, The Tattooed One simply swung him full force into the side of the ring. Isn’t that nice. Isn’t that nice, Gable, you got swung into the side of the ring when you could’ve won by count out. Or, you know, you could be backstage, being checked over by medical, instead of out here. Getting your ass handed to you.
  • Gable is now lying on the ground. Well done, genius. Well fucking done.
  • The Tattooed One is pointing at Gable and yelling. Man, y’all really like doing that, don’t you?
  • Jordan has managed to get back onto his feet, but not for long. When he charged towards The Tattooed One, The Tattooed One managed to evade, causing Jordan to run head first into the ring steps.
  • This! Is! What! Losing! Your! Temper! Gets! You! I’m running my fingers down my face, making frustrated noises. NXT’s instagram promised me No Way Jose somewhere tonight. I need No Way Jose now. He can calm me down.
  • The referee has left the ring to make sure Jordan didn’t accidentally kill himself – the stupid idiot – and The Tattooed One is now hauling Gable back into the ring.
  • The referee has apparently determined that Jordan is still alive and has now returned to the ring. He kneels next to our rolling wounded, Gable, to make sure he’s still alive, too.
  • The referee does not look happy with this, which makes me very upset with him because he’s the one who called for the fucking bell to start this whole goddamn catastrophe. Too late, mate. You can’t regret it now.
  • The Tattooed One grabbed Gable by the hair and is calling for The Other One to get into the ring.
  • The Authors of Pain do their finishing move – a combination clothesline and I believe sidewalk slam.
  • The Tattooed One covers Gable for the pin and – one, two, three! The Authors of Pain won.
  • Authors of Pain win by pinfall.

Coulda won by count out, Gable. Coulda won by count out.

Ellering looks very pleased with his two, as he walks around the ring, applauding them. Tom calls it an “unprecedented level of destruction” in the tag team division, while the referee tells the Authors of Pain to back away from Gable.

Backstage interview with The Revival. Cathy Kelley is the interviewer this time, as she talks about The Revival’s successful title defense against everyone’s favorite stupid idiots, American Alpha. She asks them what’s next for the Revival and…Dash is talking. Huh.

Dash says the Authors of Pain should pen a ‘thank you’ letter, because the Revival broke American Alpha for them, and…I have a feeling that’s not gonna work out in The Revival’s favor. I just get the feeling that telling the Authors of Pain that someone did their work for them isn’t going to make them or Ellering happy. Just saying.

Dawson is talking now and…I know that is a reference which went flying over my head. It’s one AM, I’m a little bit tired. It sounded like Braun and Kyrie, or something very similar, and the closed captioning on the Network really isn’t helping. I tried, y’all. I listened to that sentence five times. I still have no idea what he said. (Edit: LeBron and Kyrie. That’s what he said. I assume. That’s literally the only option I’ve got right now)

I mean…You can spin being the only two time NXT Tag Team Champions as a good thing – oh, look at us, we won them twice! – or a bad thing – oh, look at us, we’re the only pair of tag champions still in NXT while everyone else has been called up. Just saying, you two. Just saying.

“There’s no tag team that beat us.” I’m giving you two a nice, long, slow blink. How the fuck did you become two time tag champions without getting beaten at least once? Your logic is falling apart.

“What’s next right now? Clink me.” I try not to roll my eyes as the Revival go to tap their belts together. They’re pausing, why are they pausing – Johnny Gargano and Tommaso Ciampa! Oh, yes, please. Gimme, gimme.

“Top guys, how you doing?” Gargano says. “No tag team that can beat you?” He paused. “Funny thing is, we already did that.”

“Matter of fact, Johnny,” Ciampa says, and, man, I did not realize he had an accent like that. Damn, I like it, where are you from? (Massachusetts, apparently) “The only thing we haven’t done is hold those NXT titles.”

“Tick-tock, boys. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.” Gargano says, as he and Ciampa leave. Oh, please still be friends after the Cruiserweight Classic. Please still be friends.

Dash and Dawson mutter about Gargano and Ciampa’s win being a ‘fluke’ and now I roll my eyes. Dash says “Clink me” and I mutter “Oh, for the love of -”. I’m not a fan of this whole ‘clink me’ thing. How does that not scrape the shine of the belt? Seriously, you two, you need to treat those belts better than your silverware.

Cathy Kelley looks back and forth between where Gargano and Ciampa headed off to and where The Revival headed off to, a concerned look on her face.

And we go from Cathy Kelley’s face to…Bayley’s thigh? Okay? Bayley is kneeling in a hallway, presumably preparing for her match against Nia Jax. Corey reminds us that our main event, Bayley vs. Nia, is coming up later tonight.

A video package announcing Hideo Itami’s return plays. He’s coming back in two weeks. That’s fantastic.

MATCH: Austin Aries vs. Patrick Clark

We come back from the Hideo Itami video package to…A jobber. Presumably. And hoo boy, what an outfit. He’s wearing something which looks like an American flag around his upper torso and his tights seem to have his face superimposed over another American flag. It’s so patriotic, I feel the need to vomit red and white stripes.

Tom says we may remember him from Tough Enough. Corey says we may remember him as the “ridiculously dressed, overly patriotic guy that’s in the ring right now.” Corey would be accurate.

Have I mentioned that I love Austin Aries’ entrance? Because I love Austin Aries’ entrance. I also love that his capes are returning. I like his capes, they make him look like such a douchebag. It’s beautiful.

At 202lb, Austin qualifies for the cruiserweight division. Hint, hint, WWE. Hint. Hint.

We get a recap of Austin beating up No Way Jose and when I said I wanted No Way Jose, I didn’t mean this. There was a funny moment where Tom called ‘No Way Jose’ ‘No Hey Jose’, but this is still not what I meant.

Tom and Corey’s bickering is the most interesting thing happening as Austin and Patrick Clark circle each other in the ring. Apparently, Corey is really not a fan of Tom’s dancing and really wanted Austin to clobber Tom along with No Way Jose last month.

  • Clark and Austin gesture at each other, before locking up.
  • Austin has Clark in a wrist lock.
  • “Aries sucks!” to the beat of “New Day Rocks!”
  • Clark rolls around the ring in an attempt to escape Austin’s wrist lock, then catches Austin and throws him over his shoulders. Now Clark has Austin in a submission and, man, you really need to see Austin Aries’ face right now.
  • He’s basically a bearded, thirty-eight year old petulant child and it’s beautiful.
  • Austin is now shoving his hand into Clark’s face – he’s pushed Clark back into the corner.
  • The ref tells Austin to back off – Austin backs off, Clark puts up his fisticuffs and Austin kicks him in the midsection. Absolutely shocking.
  • Austin is now beating Clark into the turnbuckle, with hits and kicks.
  • The referee is telling Austin to “Listen to my count” and, dude. I don’t think Austin cares, man. I really don’t think Austin cares.
  • The ref has made it to the four count at least three times so far.
  • Austin is still a bearded, thirty-eight year old petulant child.
  • The referee managed to get Austin to back up into the opposing corner.
  • This lasted for approximately .02 seconds, before Austin ran across the ring and dropkicked Clark in the face.
  • The audience – which was, I repeat, chanting “Aries sucks!” not very long ago – is applauding him as he spins in the ring. Make up your mind, Full Sail.
  • Clark apparently rolled out of the ring after the dropkick. He’s now climbing back to his feet on the apron and Austin has grabbed his head.
  • Clark managed to fight out of it, however. He attempted a springboard maneuver, only to get clocked in the chest by Austin. Ouch.
  • Austin picks Clark up in such a way that one of Clark’s legs is folded, so Austin can hold it, and the other in pointing out. Austin drops him down, then picks him up and sends him over Aries’ head, so Clark lands chest first on the mat.
  • Austin rolls into Last Chancery and Clark is literally tapping out before Austin even locks it in. However, even though Clark tapped out even before it was locked in, Austin held it several seconds after the bell had rung.
  • Austin Aries wins by submission.

That is honestly a lot more than I was expecting and where is No Way Jose. I demand No Way Jose. The crowd is cheering, the crowd is cheering and – No Way Jose! Yes, he’s here! NXT’s instagram didn’t lie to me!

No Way Jose is whaling on Austin Aries, before throwing him out of the ring. He continues the assault outside the ring. By the time they hit the entrance ring, we’re at one – two – three – four refs coming to break it up. One is physically shoving him away, while two more are yelling and the fourth is checking on Austin.

No Way Jose backed up – for exactly three seconds, before running back up the ramp to attack Austin some more. Corey says that No Way Jose is “furious” and that he is “dangerous” and Austin is desperately attempting to escape. He’s jumped the barricade and is running for a public exit, now that Jose has made it apparent he won’t let Austin take the ramp.

MATCH: Nia Jax vs. Bayley

Coming up next, our main event! Ad for 2K17, then familiar music plays. Ahh, Nia. I’m so excited to hear your theme on Raw. Bayley comes out after Nia – Corey apparently appreciates Bayley’s gluttony for punishment.

Tom informs us that Bayley still has her contractual rematch for the NXT Women’s Championship against Asuka, then the ref calls for the bell.

  • Nia and Bayley stare at each other from opposite corners, as one man yells, “I love you, Nia!”
  • This lasts approximately two seconds, as Nia charges across the ring towards Bayley, screaming the whole way. Bayley dodges.
  • “Aaay, we wants some Bayley!” is Full Sail’s chant as Bayley sizes up Nia from the corner. Every time Bayley attempts to move, Nia moves with her, blocking her from leaving that corner.
  • Nia charges, while Bayley spins out of the side. Now Nia’s in the corner and Bayley has the run of the ring. But Nia left the corner and now they’re in the same position – Bayley in the corner, Nia in the middle of the ring – just in a different corner.
  • “Let’s go, Bayley!”/“Let’s go, Nia!” as Nia charges towards Bayley. She gets her arm around Bayley’s neck, presumably in an attempt to start a headlock, but Bayley twists her way out of it.
  • Bayley tries to grab Nia’s arm, but gets pushed towards the ropes. Instead of bouncing back to Nia, she grabs onto the ropes and stays put.
  • “Let’s go, Bayley, let’s go!” as Bayley runs towards Nia. She goes down and grabs onto Nia’s leg, but Nia just pushes her off. Bayley covers about half of the ring in her fall back, landing in the corner.
  • Bayley runs towards Nia and gets her in a headlock. They’re almost bouncing in a circle – well, Bayley’s bouncing, Nia’s turning.
  • The spinning and bouncing ends when Nia shoves Bayley into the corner. Bayley still has Nia in the headlock as she puts her foot on the first rope – for leverage, I assume.
  • The ref says “Bring it out” and I believe Nia is the one to do that. Bayley still has her arms around Nia’s neck/head, but it looks like Nia was doing the heavy lifting to haul both of them into the middle of the ring.
  • Nia finally frees herself by shoving Bayley into the turnbuckle. Bayley is now holding her right hand to her left shoulder, but she drops her hand when she goes to lock up with Nia.
  • Bayley initially gets Nia in a wrist lock, but Nia manages to reverse it, so that she now has Bayley in a wrist lock.
  • Bayley and Nia are walking around the ring, twisting in such a way that Bayley is now standing in front of Nia, with her arm twisted behind her back.
  • Bayley is now climbing through the ropes, even with Nia still gripping her wrist. Ahh, that’s why. Bayley then climbed back through the ropes, wrapping Nia’s wrist around the middle rope.
  • Bayley hits Nia in the back, then pulls her into the middle of the ring. Bayley is holding Nia’s arm and jumping. After two normal jumps, Bayley wraps Nia’s arm over her shoulder and jumps one more time.
  • Nia manages to push Bayley away into the turnbuckle, but when she charges to attack, Bayley dodges over her. Bayley rams her shoulder into Nia’s midsection, then climbs to the second rope.
  • From the second rope, Bayley is whaling on Nia’s head. It ends a few shots later, when Nia pushes Bayley off.
  • Bayley attempts it again, but Nia grabs her while she’s climbing. Spinning around, Nia puts Bayley on top of the turnbuckle. Then immediately turns around because that’s not going to backfire, Nia. That’s not going to backfire at all.
  • Nia turns back and immediately takes a foot to the chest. Shocking. Absolutely shocking.
  • Bayley jumps down from the turnbuckle. Nia and Bayley are now holding hands, like one or the other was attempting an Irish whip, but neither one is moving. Bayley is crouching very close to the ground, so I believe she’s fighting the whip.
  • Nia manages to dislodge Bayley from her crouch and it looks like she’s going to finish the whip and – technically, she does. However, Nia spins Bayley back into the original corner.
  • Bayley bounces up, assuming Nia is going to charge in, and goes for her over the top dodge. However, Nia wasn’t planning to charge in and merely grabbed Bayley as she moved.
  • Now, Nia has Bayley balanced on her shoulder. Nia spins around, then throws Bayley headfirst into the turnbuckle.
  • Bayley rolls on the ground for a bit, then Nia grabs Bayley by the hair and pulls her up. She shouts at Bayley, “You’re a loser! Get out of my ring!”, and throws her into the ropes. Bayley connects with the second rope, then falls to the mat, before rolling out of the ring.
  • The crowd is loudly booing Nia as you can hear the ref ask Bayley if she’s alright – and Bayley responds “Yep.” He climbs back into the ring and begins to count.
  • I am sitting here and applauding Nia because yes. When your opponent is lying helpless outside the mat, you stand inside the ring and get the win. Someone needs to learn that, Gable.
  • Bayley gets back in right as the referee is counting four.
  • Bayley is kneeling as she punches towards Nia’s midsection. Nia grabs Bayley’s hair, but Bayley isn’t stopping.
  • She does, however, stop when Nia hits the back of her head with her forearm, knocking Bayley to the ground.
  • Nia kicks Bayley over, rolling her closer to the ropes. Bayley grabs the second rope, pulling herself into a sitting position, and Nia immediately grabs her by the hair.
  • Bayley is pulling herself up by the ropes, but Nia has a good grip on her hair and neck. Nia starts to push her into the top ropes, but lets go when the referee counts to two.
  • Bayley collapses backwards, falling towards the floor. Nia grabs Bayley by the neck – Bayley fights back with punches to the midsection again, but Nia hits her in the back of her head with her forearm again. This time, Nia yells, “Stay down!”
  • A loud “Let’s go, Bayley!” chant starts up as Nia stands over Bayley.
  • Big elbow drop to Bayley, then a second one. Nia went for a third, but Bayley rolled out of the way.
  • Nia charges towards Bayley, who has stood up. Bayley tries to punch Nia’s torso again, but Nia just pushes through, pinning Bayley against the turnbuckle.
  • Nia is now ramming her shoulder into Bayley’s stomach.
  • Nia backs up, because of the ref, and Bayley collapses to the mat. Nia returns, grabs Bayley by the hair and pulls her up, while telling Bayley that she’s a loser.
  • Headbutt from Nia to Bayley.
  • Nia pulls Bayley out of the turnbuckle by her hair, then immediately whips her back into the corner. Once again, Nia is shoving her shoulder into Bayley’s midsection.
  • After two shoulder rams, Nia steps back, allowing Bayley to collapse to the mat.
  • “Aaaay, we want some Bayley!” is starting up again, as Nia kicks Bayley while she’s down.
  • Bayley is starting to climb to her feet and – as she goes – Nia grabs her by her hair. Bayley, however, starts fighting back by punching Nia in the stomach.
  • Bayley moves from punching Nia in the stomach to elbowing her in the head, before ramming her head into the turnbuckle. She rams Nia’s head into the turnbuckle about thirteen times, before moving away from the corner.
  • I believe Bayley was going to send Nia into the opposing corner, but Nia starts to spin them, grabbing Bayley’s head. Then Bayley fights out of it – they’re still spinning, by the way – and gets Nia in the head with an elbow. From the way Bayley reacted, I think Nia got her in the stomach with something.
  • Then Bayley grabs Nia by the head and starts ramming it into the turnbuckle again. Nia is really selling the whole ‘getting her head bashed into a turnbuckle some fourteen times’, walking around with a dazed expression on her face.
  • Corey says that Bayley needs to capitalize and – she tries, I’ll give her that. However, Nia merely throws her so hard Bayley nearly slides out of the ring entirely. While Bayley is lying on the mat, under the ropes, Nia walks over, yells, “Get out!”, and kicks her out of the ring.
  • The camera is focusing on our crumpled Bayley, but you can hear Nia yelling at the referee. I’m not sure what she’s saying, but she really doesn’t sound happy.
  • Ad break! It’s our obligatory ‘go buy our merch’ ad, which I didn’t think would make it in this episode. It did.
  • When we come back, Nia has gotten Bayley back into the ring. Bayley’s knees are in the ring, her shoulders are out of the ring, in front of the second rope, and Nia is cranking her head back over the second rope. Nia is saying “Uh-uh!”, I assume either in response to Bayley’s attempts to escape or the referee’s count.
  • She turns her head to the referee, snaps, “No!”, then lets go of Bayley’s head. Bayley collapses back onto the mat.
  • Nia maneuvers Bayley into the corner. When Nia goes to attack, however, she takes a foot to the stomach. This doesn’t seem to do much more than piss Nia off, however.
  • Nia comes back into the corner, grabs Bayley by the hair and hauls her up. She tosses her back into the turnbuckle, then rams her shoulder into Bayley’s midsection.
  • Nia picks Bayley up, carries her into the middle of the ring and slams her down.
  • Nia hauls Bayley up, wrapping her arms around Bayley’s neck and shoulders in a way that puts pressure on the side of Bayley’s neck. However, this leaves Bayley’s right arm open to slam it back, into the side of Nia’s neck.
  • Upon freeing herself, Bayley fell back, landing in the turnbuckle. A disoriented Nia started walking towards her, only to catch a foot to the face.
  • Nia turns around, trying again, and this time catches both feet to the chest.
  • Nia tries a third time and ends up in the corner, with Bayley dodging to the side.
  • Bayley jumps into the corner, hitting Nia with her arm, then runs to the ropes. Whenever she was attempting didn’t work out in her favor, because Nia managed to catch her and deliver a backbreaker.
  • Nia attempts our first cover of the match. Bayley kicks out at two.
  • Nia grabs Bayley by the ponytail, pulling her up. Nia then throws Bayley out of the ring. This is the third time Nia’s thrown Bayley out of the ring so far. Third time’s the charm? (Most likely not, we’ve still got seven minutes)
  • Full Sail is chanting “Bayley!” as the referee delivers the count. Bayley just barely climbs back into the ring on the count of nine.
  • “Back into the ring!” Tom says. Then there’s a pause. “Right back to Nia Jax.” And he’s right. Immediately, Nia grabbed Bayley by the hair and she’s starting to beat her down again.
  • There’s a shockingly quiet “Let’s go Bayley!” chant as Nia leads Bayley around the ring by the hair.
  • Nia mocked the crowd, getting ready to throw Bayley out for the fourth time, and this time, Bayley retaliated. Using the momentum Nia had started, Bayley turned the tables and tossed Nia out of the ring.
  • Instead of waiting for the ten count – why, Bayley, c’mon, girl – Bayley climbed out of the ring. Once Nia was on her feet, Bayley did a diving crossbody to knock them both to the ground.
  • Bayley is, however, to her feet before Nia. There’s a growing “Bayley!” chant.
  • Bayley grabs Nia by the hair and hauls her up. She goes to throw Nia back into the ring, but Nia blocks it with her foot.
  • Nia grabs Bayley by the hair, then gave her a hip attack to her face. Bayley is now lying on the ground by the ring steps as the ref is telling both of them to get into the ring.
  • Nia runs towards Bayley, attempting to hit her with her shoulder, I believe, but Bayley rolls out of the way. Nia collides with the ring steps and I wince, echoing the “Ohh!” from Full Sail.
  • Bayley gets up first, then dives back into the ring. Nia returns to the apron by nine, but she’s not back in the ring. Currently, she and Bayley are punching each other over top of the ropes.
  • Bayley manages to get Nia’s head between the second and third ropes, then grabs it and drops. Now Nia’s completely wrapped in the ropes, allowing Bayley to punch her repeatedly without much retribution.
  • With Nia still hung up in the ropes, Bayley runs to the opposing ropes and bouncing off of them. She delivers a dropkick to Nia.
  • Nia finally falls through the ropes and our former NXT Women’s Champion is on a roll. Nia crawls into the corner, allowing Bayley to deliver two shoulders to her midsection. However, as Bayley is coming back to hit Nia with her elbow, Nia pulls up her knee.
  • Nia grabs Bayley by the hair and throws her into the turnbuckle. As Nia charges, however, Bayley dodges out of the ring. Nia’s shoulder collided with the post full on.
  • Nia is now limp between the second and third ropes. Bayley is on the ring apron and she grabs Nia’s head, holding it still as she delivers multiple knees to Nia’s face.
  • Bayley lets go when the referee tells her to, but only so she can back up and deliver a running knee to Nia’s face.
  • Bayley climbed to the top turnbuckle and delivered a beautiful crossbody. The two women collapse to the ring in a pin attempt. Nia kicks out at two.
  • They both struggle to their feet, but Bayley makes it there first. As she waits for Nia to finish standing up, Bayley tightens her ponytail. This match is nearly over.
  • Bayley goes for the Bayley-to-Belly, but Nia manages to shove her off.
  • Nia picks Bayley up, setting up for a powerbomb, but Bayley fights back. She’s sitting on Nia’s shoulders as she punches at her head.
  • Bayley managed to roll them over into a pin attempt, but Nia kicked out at two.
  • Nia looks frustrated, which may be her ruining. We’ll see. Bayley bounces off of the ropes twice, with Nia failing to hit her both times. On the third attempt, however, Bayley ends up colliding with Nia’s shoulder.
  • Nia picks Bayley up by the hair, then pulls her up. It looks like she’s going for a vertical suplex, but instead goes for a jackhammer. Also, Corey? You missed the opportunity to call it a Jaxhammer and I am ashamed of you. Again. What is with you tonight?
  • Bayley kicks out at two! The look on Nia’s face is complete astonishment. She is looking at the ref, shaking her head and saying, “No!” But Bayley did kick out and the match is still on.
  • Full Sail is chanting “Bayley!” very loudly now. A lot of them are bouncing up and down as they chant.
  • Nia bounces off of the ropes, going for the leg drop and – stops? Before she does it. Instead, she grabs Bayley by the arms and drags her so that she’s lying in front of the corner.
  • Nia climbs up onto the second rope, but as she pauses to be more theatrical, Bayley gets up.
  • Bayley climbs onto the second turnbuckle with Nia, then does a Bayley-to-Belly from the second rope. Full Sail is losing it as the referee counts one-two-three.
  • Bayley wins by pinfall.

And that’s how you know Nia is officially up on the main roster – she lost her last match in NXT. Finn Balor, Sami Zayn, Tyler Breeze. They all lost their last match in NXT. That’s becoming a bit of a trend, isn’t it?

Both women are collapsed in the ring as Full Sail claps along with Bayley’s music excitedly. We get a shot of a young girl holding up a Bayley sign that has working lights in it, before we watch Bayley slowly sit up.

We end on a short recap of the match, as Corey says that this is what makes Bayley so beloved. “The heart to dig down deep after surviving Nia Jax.”