GAYWATCH: 1st – 8th July ’16

Hello darlings! Well, what a week it’s been, with everyone painting the town in such patriotic colours, and then themselves with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. Honestly, one barely knew where to put their hands and mouths! Still, let’s not stop here, let’s drag our kay-fabulous little behinds right into the middle of the action, just where we like to be.

Yes, Jimmy loves us, and we love America. Or at least, we love an excuse for a food fight, apparently, so our favourite boys got themselves ready to be red, white and blew. Oh, sorry, blue! Little slip there, lovelies! Firstly, we had Big Cass protecting his tiny chihuahua of a boyfriend, Enzo Amore, from a drenching by naughty Bo Dallas, and later saying he couldn’t top Enzo’s listing off of the presidents. Maybe not, darling, but we all know Enzo’s a naturally mouthy bottom, and Cass absolutely can. top. that. And does, regularly, if our researchers have got the facts right – how delightful! 

The boys of The Club have got bolder about showing us heir personal affection as they enjoy flaunting their little threesome to the world. Whilst their main date ideas might be beating up John Cena, it seems these three butch boys are planning some more holiday celebrations together, and that Luke Gallows is going to get first dibs on AJ Styles’ cute little face. What’s the betting Karl Anderson is going to be the one with those big hands in that soccer mom hair? These three scamps proceeded to drag poor John Cena, who’s still single despite all those years at the top. John, sweetie, sometimes you’ve got to suck it up and bottom, poppet!

Someone who hasn’t been having any fun this week is Kevin Owens, poor darling. Gingerbread sunshine Sami Zayn seemed to be keeping his distance as Kevin avoided the food fight, choosing instead to eat his feelings under the table. However, late on, he and Sami were on the same team against the victorious Americans – but it seemed Kevin couldn’t keep his anger and upset to himself. I think we’ll all join in hoping that the murderbear and his gingerbread sunshine get their relationship back on track, won’t we, darlings?

Cheeky champion Dean Ambrose is at it again! He’s always been affectionate with boyfriend Roman Reigns and previous ex Seth Rollins, but seeing as the two of them aren’t exactly on best terms right now, it was a little much to smack his demonstrably fatter ass in full view of everyone in the crowd, Dean! Then again, with Roman off right now, having been a very naughty boy indeed and getting caught for it, maybe Dean’s a little lonely, and so needs some Sethie loving. And there’s certainly enough of him to go around these days, that lovely thick body still being called down to the ring at 217lbs – well, haven’t we all fudged our weight once or twice, my dears?

However, Gaywatch’s favourite darlings haven’t had much tv time this week. The stunning team of gorgeous Tyler Breeze and the pelvically talented Fandango had themselves a sweet little cuddle during a house show, with Fandango even being allowed to get his hands on Tyler’s much-coveted hair! My boyfriends had to be making quite a commitment for that to happen, and one can’t help but wonder if Fanda go is allowed to pull Tyler’s hair a little under other, less public circumstances. What a lucky boy!

Our boys were even involved in that patriotic foodfight, although it looks more like Fandango is going to help Tyler with a little calorific banquet across his spectacular body. What well-sculped princes they both are, and what treat they must be for each other. What I wouldn’t do to be a fly on their dressing-room wall, my darlings, I don’t mind telling you!

That’s it for this week, my darlings, but we leave with you the news that well-oiled and serpentine Randy Orton is due to be back soon, to give us a taste of those big thighs we all like so much, and that aerial artist Neville is due back soon as well. Come home boys – we’ve warmed the bed up for you. Keep it kay-fabulous, lovelies, and we’ll see you next week!

(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions herein are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)