You know what I’m thankful for each and every Fourth of July? John Cena. He was there two-hundred and forty years ago fighting for our freedom, putting every Brit he came across into the Attitude Adjustment, singlehandedly pinning King George III, guaranteeing our freedom for a thousand years (I, personally am disappointed I won’t be around to see Revolutionary War II, The Revenge).
Don’t believe me? Fuck you. Also have some pictures that prove that John Cena was there.
Ah, look at this man gallantly crossing the Delaware River. His chants of Never Give Up™ helped his soldiers push through all the ice while Cena posed the entire time. Amazing.
Who could forget John Cena parading out a row of British Soldiers for the Union to shoot for an up in morale, as the American Flag looked on? Always looking out for his men.
Once the war was over, more work had to be done. Cena didn’t do any of this work, but he did sit in on meetings threatening to put anyone through his five knuckle shuffle if they didn’t hurry the fuck up. This led to compromises and deals that were necessary to form a country.
We owe John Cena a lot during the Fourth of July. So as you’re snacking on hotdogs or convincing a cowering dog it’s okay to come out of the bed (please, someone help me she’s been under the bed all night, she won’t eat and she keeps whimpering), remember this man and all he’s done for our great nation.