Kayfabe Korner

Kayfabe Korner: Where Is Roman Reigns?

First Triple H and now Double R.  The rate that wrestlers are disappearing as soon as they lose the title is staggering.  Luckily for you, here on Kayfabe Korner we have the theories WWE is scared to admit are true or even valid.  

Okay.  Strap in your seat belts kids, it’s gonna be a long and winding road.

April 23rd, 2016.  Roman Reigns wins the WWE Title from Triple H.  The last we see of Hunter.  No mention of him has been made since.  We pray for his safety.  

May 22nd, 2016.  Roman Reigns retains against AJ Styles (AJ turns evil the next night on RAW).  Seth Rollins has returned, and put Roman into a PEDIGREE (Triple H’s move.  Hmmm…) reigniting the old feud.  The next night on RAW, Seth came out, took a shit on everyone, and was rewarded with a title match for money in the bank (money in the bank is a match where in the winner wins a briefcase.  Within that briefcase there is a contract that can be cashed in at any time for a WWE World Heavyweight title match).

The following RAWs leading up to Money in the Bank were full of promos featuring Seth Runnings rollin away, laughing.  Seth was testing Roman.  Getting close enough to examine Roman, but knowing if they touched before Money in the Bank, Seth would disappear forever.  

The RAW before Money in the Bank, both Seth and Roman appeared on Dean Ambrose’s show, the Ambrose Alley (because it’s not an asylum, fuck you).  It was an interview full of tension.  So much sweaty, manly tension.  Their faces pressed close together, the intensity and anger in their eyes.  Years of pent up energy just waiting to suddenly burst out all over their bodies and faces.  Jerking each other’s emotions around, maintaining a tight grip on the other’s thoughts.  

There needed to be some sort of release for the two men.  Hopefully a good, long fight, with both men physically asserting dominance by thrusting against each other will help sate their insatiable appetites, at least for a moment.  

June 19th, 2016.  Money in the Bank.  Dean Ambrose had just won the Money in the Bank Briefcase, possibly planning to cash in that very night as Dean had said the RAW before, but that’s just a fan theory.  

Seth and Roman fought, rolling around the ring with more enthusiasm than the last guy I slept with.  

Seth won, cementing Roman’s fate.

Then surprisingly, Dean followed through on his plan to cash in that very night.  He came out of nowhere, almost like an RKO of some sort.  

And now Dean is the champ.

The next night on RAW, Dean and Roman faced each other like the reluctant high school couple that broke up and then had to continue being lab partners for the rest of the year.  I guess it is hard to still love your best friend when your cat loves them more (it’s a metaphor, the cat being the WWE universe). Then Seth came out cause I guess he couldn’t handle anyone not paying attention to him.  

Deciding they weren’t really satisfied with just one match, Seth and Roman went at it again that night, this time letting Dean watch.   This didn’t really do much, besides make Dean want in.  Dean declared that he wanted a three way and it was decided that the people would want to see that as well.

Now that I have seen the last night’s RAW, I can safely say we have no idea where Roman is and even Seth is joining the conspiracy as he took a tweet of Roman’s and analyzed it word by word.  Dean came out to assure Roman that, wherever he is, that Dean still loves him.  

Confused? Not half as much as these boys are. Let’s just hope that whatever hell dimension Hunter and Roman are in, they have each other. And the WWE Network.