Okay, look, I’m very unhappy that Jerry Lawler has been arrested for domestic violence, and that his 20-something fiancée was also arrested. But I’m pretty glad he’s not going to be here, because sod him. I’m glad we’re not getting his terrible jokes and the awful grating laugh – but I’m not glad about the situation that had to happen in order for this to be achieved.
The network opens with zero sound. Well, this is interesting. And then they turn the sound on, because people aren’t clever. So, we’ve got Booker T, Corey Graves, Renee Young – and Lita! We get a picture journey of Renee and Lita hanging out in Vegas, which looks like a hell of a night. I need a girly friend I can go drinking with. Volunteers?
Special thanks to Sora for the AWESOME art, including GIFS! Very excited about these!
We join Tom Phillips in the social media lounge, and he tells us to follow #MITB. Have you seen how fast that moves? It’s like you’re suggesting that no one watches the kick-off show. Which would be true, if I didn’t have to work it.
I’m loving Renee calling John Cena vs. AJ Styles ‘a sports entertainment dream’ because she’s not allowed to say wrestling. Like AJ Styles is now no longer a wrestling superstar. We get a video package showing us the first beat down from AJ to Cena, and then Cena’s resulting promos, which have been bloody incredible. Cena might be playing up just how much he loves Styles, though, I’m sort of expecting him to refuse to fight him out of honour or something, and that would be really disappointing. The awkward part, too, is that those two pre-show matches must have moved onto the main card for some reason, and the rumour is that is because Styles’ back, which he’s been working wounded for a while, might have meant that match has to be cut short.
Talking about this match, Corey Graves seems to have forgotten how to speak – it actually looks like it might have been a messy night for him last night! Poor hungover darling. At least he doesn’t have to sit next to Jerry Lawler tonight. Lita and Booker are on AJ’s team, but Corey is on team Cena.
Renee starts us off with talking about the fatal fourway tag team championship match, and Booker is talking about Enzo and Cass being strong, but that he likes The Vaudevillains, too. Lita is excited by The Club, and Corey is unexcited by Enzo and Cass talking, says they’re going to talk more than The New Day, and that he’s on the side of the Vaudevillains.
We get a recap on the wonderfully gay video package with Goldust and R-Truth cooking Tyler Breeze and Fandango alive, and how the resultant burn ruined their photoshoots, and then they’re picking each other’s sunburn and rubbing bananas on each other. My friend sitting with me, who isn’t into wrestling, is laughing and going ‘this is so gay’. She’s right.
MAURO! Mauro and lovely Byron are here for our first match! Byron’s wearing a lime green shirt that makes me think of Mountain Dew (probably the point), and Mauro looks wonderful, as always.
MATCH: The Golden Truth vs. Breezango
Inoffensive hiphop down to the ring, as always, and Goldust miming arse slapping… I just can’t with these two, I really, really can’t. They get a gentle cheer, but then it’s the gorgeous duo – and they’re still sunburnt, peeling away, and Tyler’s barely walking. This is going to be a squash, isn’t it? It’s a good makeup job, either way.
- R-Truth and Fandango first into the ring, and R-Truth gets a ‘what’s up’ from the crowd
- One chop and Fandango can barely manage to continue
- Chops after chops, and then Tyler tags in
- Tyler holds out his hands for mercy, gets on blow in, but then a strike to Tyler’s chest
- Goldust tagged in and Tyler bounced off the ropes into double chops
- This isn’t a wrestling match, this is just seeing who can get their hands on burnt skin
- Breeze on the top rope, leaps down into another smack
- Tyler drags Truth into their corner, and Fandango tags in
- Fandango gets one good hit in, but once more is derailed because of reddened skin
- Breeze hangs off the ropes, and Truth slaps open hands on his back
- Tyler tagged in drags Truth around a little bit, but the Fandango tags back in
- Leg lock from Fandango, but it only takes one good hit to make him break it
- Leg lariat from R-Truth, and that gives him the space to make the tag
- Tyler tagged in, atomic drop from Goldust
- Fandango tagged in, Tyler falls out of the ring on the opposite side
- And that’s a pin and a win for Goldust on Fandango!
Well, Jordan was right, it’s a PPV victory for the Golden Truth, although I think we’ve got to play up the whole burn thing, because… you know. That wasn’t really a wrestling match, it was a play on a wrestling match with a lot of over-acting. Well, Tyler’s one of Lance Storm’s boys, he’s good at that. Bit dull, but what were you expecting? At least it was funny.
Cesaro’s in the back, with his headphones on, and Sami says the early bird gets the contract. He says he wants to talk to Cesaro, and Cesaro says he’s trying to get in the zone. Sami says he knows how it feels to be underestimated and underappreciated. Cesaro gives him a look as if to say ‘YOU? YOU KNOW?’ because, seriously Sami. Cesaro takes his leave, and Sami’s left, staring off into the distance like he hates losing friends simply because he’s a wrestler and sometimes has to hit them. Oh, Sami.
This is the first time Visiting Ella has seen what a ladder match becomes, and she’s just laughed incoherently at men waving ladders around like jousting lances. It’s pretty damn funny, and then we’re into the video package, with the recap of all those guys going at each other for the last month, and how it’s been… pretty damn good. The whole thing is set to Black Honey by Thrice, and I vaguely enjoy it, which makes me feel like a little bit of a traitor to my Sami Zayn shirt. Booker is talking about the physical toll, and then Lita talks about the mental and emotional toll that these sorts of matches take on the guys in the ring.
Corey Graves is on the side of Jericho, as he invented the match, but he’s actually backing Kevin Owens. Lita is going to back Sami Zayn, even though he’s never been in that sort of match he’s been in before, because he doesn’t know to be afraid of it. Renee wants to know what about her boyfriend, and Booker says he’s the sleeper, that he could do it, but he’s not a frontrunner? Okay. He’s also going to back Zayn. Why doesn’t Renee get to pick her favourite to back in these predictions, ever? She runs the whole panel, but she doesn’t get to make a prediction?
Tom Phillips has a date with Nattie and Becky, who are both in ring gear already (despite us having seen Seth and Roman arriving earlier in a suit for Seth (black on black on black, of course) and trackies for Roman (scrub)) and Becky talks about how Nattie is her h(e)art, and how they’re inspired by wrestlers… who all happen to be men. It was pretty hard to be inspired by the women, I guess, other than Chyna, who we’re not allowed to talk about, I guess. Seriously, guys. Can you please mention women?
Becky says that Charlotte’s too cocky, and she’s become a bad champion because she’s ungrateful. Becky and Nattie make a heart with their hands, and that’s just the cutest damn thing, what lovelies! God, they’re adorable.
MATCH: The Lucha Dragons vs. The Dudley Boyz
Our favourite dragons are in white and yellow, with some blue, which suits them, honestly. Kalisto’s mask is particularly snazzy tonight, I hope that means a win for them. Lilian Garcia even announces the Dudleys like she can’t be bothered, because this match was a last minute call, and I think they pretty much just went ‘who’s not busy and wants to come to Vegas?’ and picked the first four people who put their hands up.
- Bubba Ray and Kalisto to start in the ring, and Bubba is trying to bring Kalisto in close to him and D-Von
- Kalisto dances around Bubba, gets grabbed, but breaks the hold with his foot
- D-Von tagged in, and Kalisto gets caught in the grapple this time, taken into the corner
- He ducks away, using his speed against D-Von
- Another lock up, and another back into the corner from D-Von, but this time D-Von won’t let him escape
- Bubba distract D-Von, and Kalisto gets free to tag in Sin Cara
- Corkscrew cross-body from Sin Cara
- Bubba Ray and D-Von on the outside, Kalisto and Sin Cara over the top rope and into them on the outside
- We go to commercials as the Dragons balance on the top turnbuckles and D-Von knocks them off
- Bubba Ray in the ring with Sin Cara, working the legs
- WE WANT TABLES
- D-Von pushes Sin Cara’s throat into the ropes, pulled away by the ref
- Huge elbow drop and pin for two by D-Von, then a chokehold
- European uppercut to Sin Cara, and then another pin fro two
- Vertical suplex by the tagged in Bubba Ray on Sin Cara, and Bubba yells about ripping off Sin Cara’s mask
- Mocking the Lucha chant, it’s a standing dropkick to Bubba Ray, as both men crawl for the tag
- Kalisto and D-Von in the ring, and there’s a stunning senton and a dropkick from Kalisto
- Hurricanrana, springboard seat senton by Kalisto and the pin – Bubba Ray breaks it up and gets tagged in
- Kalisto ‘s head slammed into the top turnbuckle
- Doomsday Device to Kalisto
- Kalisto manages to duck and get D-Von to punch Bubba
- Kalisto rolls up D-Von for two, but he’s still stuck with two men in the run
- Salida Del Sol from Kalisto to Bubba, but he tags Sin Cara in beforehand
- Dragon Bomb from Sin Cara, and the pin for the win!
Not a bad showing, pretty fun, and less dull than I was thinking that was going to be, to be honest. Not bad at all.
We’re talking about the main event now, and Lita is desperate to heap praise onto Seth, saying she knows how that feels, to be left behind and have to watch your compatriots head forward into new opportunities. Renee mentions his new, thick body – thanks Renee – and then Booker says he’s done exactly what he needs to do in order the achieve what he wants. Booker’s all behind Roman, I think, as he seems pretty keen about that. Corey says that if he was Roman, he’d target that knee, but that he’s not a powerhouse like Roman. Renee says he still looks great. Lita’s saying, however, that Roman’s got better in the ring in the time that Seth has been away.
Renee asks whether the true frontrunner of the Shield might be seen – Corey says Seth, Lita says Seth, and Booker is on team Roman, because he’s also disliked.
We get a video package about Roman and Seth, with poor Dean in the background like he didn’t matter. Poor poppet. The problem is, all the Shield retrospectives make me do is miss Seth’s blond streak, desperately, because it suited the little double-crossing weasel. Obviously we see the WrestleMania run-in, and we all have a moment of silence for the WrestleMania we could have had this year. I still can’t watch Seth’s knee buckle, or his dead little eyes when he’s watching ‘Mania, because it hurts too badly. But this is… they’re building this into a hell of a feud, even if they do think the wrong guy is the ‘good’ one.
MATCH: The New Day vs. The Club vs. Enzo & Cass vs. The Vaudevillains – Tag Team Championship Match
Enzo and Cass are here to talk a lot at us, and Enzo tells us that last night he fell in love, and that he’s a little tired tonight – because last night he and Lady Luck were fucking. All night long, apparently, For a little guy, Enzo sure can keep a lady satisfied. The Vaudevillains are out next, in their trademark black and white, with the handshake and fisticuffs to prove it. I love them so much, and not just because Gotch is into Cthulhu, and a freaking nerd on Twitter. They’ve got their ‘quite manly’ shirts on, and I’m a little sad the women’s one says ‘quite womanly’ instead.
The Club out third, in new, black gear, instead of the white stuff they’ve been wearing. Interesting. The New Day out last – as champions should be – and they’re back to their bright pink! Yay! Visiting Ella is a little baffled by how I can quote wrestling entrances, and I suddenly realise how weird this is to outsiders. Xavier Woods says Enzo and Cass are like Han and Chewwie, and does his Chewbacca impression. He compares The Vaudevillains to the Monopoly man, and talks smack about Anderson and Gallows’ lack of hair. New Day Rocks chants draw them into the ring. We’re reminded that The New Day are the second longest tag team title owners.
- Kofi and Anderson start us off with a clothesline from Anderson
- Leapfrogs from Kofi, and a clothesline to take Anderson down
- Gallows tagged in, slapping Kofi around in the corner
- Anderson brought to the corner, and sent down with a dropkick from Kofi
- Elbows from the top rope from Kofi and Enzo to take down both of The Club
- There’s a nice waist lock that we giggle at because it looks like Kofi is going for Enzo’s dick
- Enzo and Kofi get technical on the mat, and I’m just sort of in too much awe to do play by play
- LET’S GO ENZO vs. NEW DAY ROCKS
- Big E tagged in against Big Cass
- The Vaudevillains tag English in, and Big knocks him down easily, The Club trying to get involved
- Brawl starting off in the ring, with everyone picking a partner to beat the hell out of them
- The ring clears to Big E and Kofi facing off Enzo and Cass
- Aiden English still legal, coming in to take out Kofi
- Boots in the corner from English to Kofi, before hanging him over the ropes for kicks to the midsection and head
- Cover from Gotch to Kofi, kick out at two
- English back in, and a cover on Kofi for two
- Anderson tagged in on Kofi now, Kofi being dragged around my everyone
- Kick to Gallows o the apron from Kofi
- Anderson took out Big E, then Kofi and Anderson down in the centre of the ring
- Enzo tagged in against English, quickfire punches between the two of them
- Enzo goes to bump off the ropes, and Anderson pulls them down, sending him sprawling
- Gallows tags himself in, and Enzo makes his way back into the ring to be smacked around
- Counter into a DDT for Enzo, pin for two
- Big Cass and Anderson in the ring now, Cass knocking both Vaudevillains off the apron, and sending Big E off the top rope
- Empire Elbow from Cass to Anderson, then he sends Gotch and English off the apron too
- Cass throws Enzo onto the crowd outside the ring, and puts another Big Boot to Anderson
- Cass launches Enzo on to Anderson, and he’s so close to the pin, but Enzo’s dragged out by Gallows! NO!
- Gotch and Kofi are in, then Enzo ducks out the way of a Trouble in Paradise, before English is tagged in#
- English pins Kofi, but Anderson and gallows break it up
- English and Kofi in the ring, a pin for two on Kofi
- THIS IS AWESOME and HOLY SHIT chants
- Anderson tagged in against Big E, sends Big E flying
- Magic Killer on English from The Club, and then Big E comes into the lift Anderson off English
- Big Boot from Big Cass to Gallows, to take him out of the running
- Kofi and Big E double team Anderson, and take him down and out, before turning on English as the legal man
- Big E gets the pin on English… and STILL YOUR TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS
Sad to see Enzo and Cass not get the titles, I really, really wanted that, and I think everyone else did too, but still, that’s pretty nice that The New Day will get to beat the record.
Kevin is excoriating Tom Phillips about this being his first Money in the Bank, because it isn’t, he beat John Cena on his last one, and this is his first MitB LADDER MATCH, not anything else. Jericho rocks up and Kevin tells him not to steal his spotlight – Chris points out Kevin’s chipped tooth, and tells him that he IS the spotlight. Kevin says he needs a mint, and Chris tries desperately not to corpse. Del Rio turns up, and Kevin says he’s going to talk some Spanish. Del Rio runs off the spiel about being the only one who’s won before. Kevin is legitimately the most entertaining person in this segment, calling Tom ‘Todd’ and saying he’ll stick to water instead of drinking in the gift of Jericho. Fucking hilarious.
MATCH: Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler
Wow, Dolph looks like he’s been hitting the gym pretty hard with that upper body, I’m sure he’s struggling to get into his shirts now. And he’s added electric blue to the leggings he’s got for his PPV. God, I love him. Corbin looks like Corbin, it’s not important.
- Dolph straight in with grappling at Corbin’s leg
- Dolph trying to avoid locking up, heading to the legs as much as possible
- Dolph shakes his hair loose and I make an involuntary noise
- Waist lock on Corbin, breaks free and Dolph goes for a superkick
- Corbin out of the ring, the back in
- Dropkick from Dolph, gets Corbin into the corner, and goes for a neckbreaker
- Big right hand from Corbin, and then stomps from Corbin
- Corbin presses Dolph’s throat onto the ropes
- Big knee from Corbin to Ziggler’s face
- Ziggler sends Corbin out of the ring, then he’s back in with a big clothesline and pins Dolph for two
- Chin lock from Corbin, Dolph fighting his way out of it
- Dolph leaps onto Corbin, and Corbin drops him on the top rope easily, making Dolph look like a toy
- Dolph pinned to the mat and stomped by Corbin
- Ref checks on a flat out Dolph as Corbin drags him up by the hair
- BORING chant the fans – agreed, this is punishingly slow for a Ziggler match, it’s a crying shame to see him job out to Corbin without even using his best moves
- SO MANY REST HOLDS
- Dolph comes back with punches and jabs, before a big headbutt, then a massive pair of clotheslines to take Corbin down
- Corbin in the corner, neckbreaker from Dolph
- Big elbow drop from Dolph, and you can hear the crowd cheering for him
- Corbin starts to dominate again, a cover for two, with Dolph getting a shoulder up
- Ziggler going for the Famouser, Corbin lifts him, drops him on the top turnbuckle
- Dolph dodges a move, and hits the Famouser for a pin for two
- Dolph goes for a superkick, and Corbin dodges out of the ring
- Dolph stumbles over the steps outside the ring, and Corbin hits Deep Six on the outside
- Corbin drags Ziggler up by the hair again for some vicious punches, and the discontent of the crowd is huge – not just because the heel is winning, but because this is slow as hell
- Dolph surges forwards again, Corbin goes for End of Days, Ziggler goes for a Superkick, and they both end up in the middle of the mat again, flopped over, but Corbin kicks out at two
- Dolph goes to the top turnbuckle, Corbin comes in with a big right, and knocks him flat on the turnbuckle
- Corbin setting up for a superplex, and Dolph fights his way out, headbutting Corbin off the ropes
- Dolph lands awkwardly, Corbin hits End of Days and get the pin for the win
That was a hell of a dull match, guys, that was full of Ziggler and Corbin just lying in the middle of the ring for half of it, like Roman Reigns in a Royal Rumble. I expect better for Ziggler, and that’s frustrating – to see him not at his best and losing to a green rookie like Corbin… it doesn’t make Corbin look strong, it just makes Ziggler look weak. Disappointing.
MATCH: Charlotte & Dana Brooke vs. Natalya & Becky Lynch – Tag Team Match
Charlotte and Dana are matching tonight, with Charlotte in red gear and a red robe, and it matches the title beautifully. She looks incredibly strong, and I love it. Dana’s gear has red stripes on it, to match her in with her tag team partner. Becky and Natalya, however, are not matching, with Nattie un her customary black and pink, and Bex in her blue-green get-up.
- Dana and Nattie start up, and the ref has to break up the grapple
- There’s some slapping and hair pulling from Nattie, that’s upsetting
- Nattie gets Dana by the leg, and sends her face first into the mat
- Dropkick to Dana’s face from Nattie
- Charlotte tagged in
- Nattie rolls over Charlotte’s body for no reason
- Hart Attack from Nattie and Becky, that’s nice to see
- Double hip toss from Becky and Nattie
- Charlotte and Dana both send off the apron, Becky drags Charlotte back in
- Nattie tags in to roll up Charlotte, but she kicks out
- Nattie with chops to Charlotte, then Dana, then Charlotte again
- Dana grabs Nattie’s foot, setting her up to take a kick from Charlotte
- Charlotte pins Nattie for two, but she easily kicks free
- Charlotte stomps Nattie in the corner, then Dana tags in
- Both Charlotte and Dana do Dana’s little bicep flex move, which is adorable
- Dana tags Charlotte back in on Nattie
- European headlock on Nattie from Charlotte, with added knees to Nattie’s stomach, too
- Nattie elbows her way out, and Charlotte tosses her to mat easily
- Cheap shot from Charlotte to knock Becky off the apron, and sending Nattie into Dana
- Ref distracted by Becky and Charlotte, Dana gets to knock Nattie around a big
- Flair chops from Charlotte to Nettie in the corner
- Nattie takes Dana off the apron, the dodges Charlotte to try to make the tag to Becky
- Charlotte gets there almost in time to stop the tag, but Becky is tagged in
- Becky knocks Charlotte and Dana down, then running forearm to Charlotte
- Bexploder to Charlotte, but Dana breaks the pin
- Becky with a double missile dropkick to Charlotte and Dana from the top rope
- Nattie tagged in as Becky holds Charlotte still
- Charlotte dodges out of the double team move, and Charlotte pins Nattie for two, and even with Charlotte’s feet on the ropes, Nattie kicks out
- Nattie puts Charlotte into the Sharpshooter, Dana breaks it up with hair pulling
- There’s a lot of hair pulling, and Dana manages to throw Becky into Nattie in a headbutt
- While the ref is distracted with Becky and Dana, Charlotte hits Natural Selection on Nattie, and wins
I was hoping we’d see a loss for Charlotte here, but ah well, at least it was seven minutes. WHAT! Nattie throws herself at Becky, a flurry of punches. Sure, there was an inadvertent headbutt from Becky to Nattie in the middle of the match, but that wasn’t deliberate. Natalya is crying as she leaves the ring, wiping the tears away, as if she’s blaming Becky for that loss. Seven minutes, and maybe some plot moving along? Not bad… but you could have had a shorter Corbin/Ziggler match, and saved us that.
Tom Phillips is talking to Dean! Dean says he doesn’t have a strategy, that you can avoid a few things, but he’s not going to think about that. There is no fear, there is no hesitation, and he’s going to win the match. He says that once he wins it, everything will have been worth it, everything else he’s been through. Tom wants to know what Dean thinks about Roman and Seth’s match. He says Roman’ll have a good time beating up Seth, because it’s fun, and he knows, because he’s done it. Off he goes, bless his face.
MATCH: Sheamus vs. Apollo Crews
Bioluminescent Sheamus! I’ve missed you trapping plankton with your glare, while you’ve been not doing very much, or filming/doing stuff for your film. I’ve missed that bright white glare. Apollo Crews is also here, looking like a monster, as per usual.
- Before the bell even rings, these two are after each other
- Sheamus and Crews grapple early, snapmare from Crews
- Fast-paced start up, with a lot of early holds from Crews, keeping Sheamus down
- Sheamus leapfrogs, and then he’s punched out of the ring twice
- Crews climbs out to take the fight back to Sheamus
- Irish Curse Backbreaker from Sheamus to Crews on the outside
- Sheamus kicking Crews while he’s down, then rolls him back in
- Sheamus climbs into the rub and pulls Crews up to take a huge clothesline
- He does the same again, making Crews look small, then bounces off the ropes to kick Crews while he’s down
- Sitting chin lock from Sheamus to Crews and then big slap to the chest before he locks the hold back in
- Boot from Crews to Sheamus’ chin
- Another big clothesline from Sheamus
- More lock in holds from Sheamus, before Crews fights out with some fists and a boot
- Running senton from Sheamus, pins Crews for two
- Headlock from Sheamus
- Roll up from Crews to Sheamus, kick out at two
- Sheamus runs into a boot in the corner from Crews
- The two trade bows in the centre of the ring
- Clothes line from Crews, then a second, before taking Sheamus down into a cover, takes him down for two
- Crews lifts Sheamus on his shoulders, beat Sheamus fights free
- Belly to bell suplex from Crews over the ropes
- Gorgeous moonsault off the apron onto Sheamus from Crews
- Dragging Sheamus back in, a pin for two for Crews, who seems to be getting some momentum
- Waist lock to Sheamus in the corner
- Suplex from Sheamus, slamming Crews into the mat
- Sheamus goes for a suplex, but Crews fights out, before Sheamus sends Crews over the top of the ropes
- Apollo on the top turnbuckles, and then Sheamus gets him on his back for White Noise off the second rope
- Pin, but Crews kicks out
- Sheamus arguing with the ref, Crews rolls him up and gets the win
Yeah, nice to see a ring veteran like Sheamus in the ring with Crews, not just a squash, but something that works for both of them, makes Crews look strong AND smart, not just a bruiser. A strong match, with some actual moments of tension – much better than the Corbin/Ziggler match, the other pre-show match that got moved up to the main card.
MATCH: AJ Styles vs. John Cena
AJ comes down to the ring to the roar of the crowd, despite the fact he’s meant to be the heel right now. It’s hard to dislike someone who’s so good in the ring, though, it really is. There’s some boos as he holds up his hands in ‘too sweet’. Cena comes in to huge cheers from the crowd, and bounces down to the ring in his 90’s jorts. Ah, Cena. Let’s see how this ‘WrestleMania quality’ match goes.
- AJ STYLES vs LET’S GO CENA
- The crowd is on its feet, and Cena is grinning at it, too, this is… pretty awesome, okay? Even AJ is trying to hide a smile
- Cena feints off the ropes, but Styles doesn’t fall for it
- Lock up from both of them, side headlock from AJ to Cena
- Cena goes to throw Styles to the mat, and Styles rolls through
- The chants get louder, and Cena looks discomfited
- Arm lock from Cena, Styles does a kip up out of it and reverses it
- Leapfrog from Cena, but Styles takes him down easily, waiting for him
- Cena appears to be bleeding already? That’s shooting your load a bit early, boys
- Lock up again, another side headlock from Styles
- Styles off the rope, more leapfrogs from Cena
- Deep arm drags from Cena
- Cena takes Styles across the ring with a monkey flip
- Cena picks up Styles for the AA, but Styles comes off him and hits him with a few vicious right hands
- Elbow to Cena’s skull from AJ
- Lock up, AJ breaking it with a kick to the midsection
- The two men trade blows again, and the chants rise, louder than ever
- Suplex from Cena to Styles, AJ kicks out at one
- Cena out of the ring, quickly back in, but AJ knocks him down to the mat easily
- AJ drops with the knee onto Cena, and pins him for two, Cena barely kicking out
- Styles sends Cena’s head off the turnbuckle, Big Match John looking sluggish and stunned
- Vertical suplex from Styles to Cena, and AJ’s pointing at him, going ‘is this all he’s got?’ and grinning
- A blow from Cena and Styles taggers back, before there’s more offense from Cena
- AJ dodges out of the way of a blow in the corner
- Punch to the midsection of Cena from AJ, and Cena’s back on the mat, limp
- Back body drop from Cena to Styles, with a lot of height, both men down in the centre of the ring
- Flying shoulder tackle from Cena, but Styles dodges out of the way
- Side headlock from Styles to Cena, pinning him down
- Chin lock from AJ, Cena looking like he’s fading
- Cena starts to rise out of it, up to his feet, battling out
- AJ rolls away, two flying shoulder tackles from Cena
- Waist lock from Cena, goes for the AA, but Styles kicks free and hits him with an enzuigiri
- Cena finally get Styles down onto the mat, and raises his hand to the crowd
- He goes for You Can’t See Me, and Styles goes for a headscissors takedown, both men moving away
- Cena launched onto outside the ring, while AJ stands inside and grandstands
- AJ goes to launch through the ropes again, but Cena dodges out of the way, and Styles hits the ground outside the ring hard
- Cena rolls Styles back in at four, goes for the AA, and Styles fights off his back again
- Cena gets AJ by the ankle and locks in the STF in the middle of the ring
- Styles crawls to the ropes and gets his hand on it to force the break
- AJ gets Cena hung up on the ropes, then leaves him in the ring, goes to the top rope
- Cena’s up, joining him on the ropes, Styles slips on the ropes, falling free, and Cena’s head bounces off the ropes
- Cena gets Styles caught up on the top rope, and Cena drags him up, sitting him on the top turnbuckle
- Going for a super AA, Styles headbutts him back to the mat, then drops to the outside of the ring, in position for the Phenomenal Forearm
- Cena catches him into an AA, but Styles rolls through and puts on the Calf Crusher
- For a moment, it looks like Cena will tap – but he makes it to the bottom rope to break the hold
- Cena’s barely standing with that messed up calf, and Styles targets that leg
- Huge clothesline from Cena, and takes down Styles, going for You Can’t See Me but it’s not got much passion in it
- FINALLY Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment, and both men are flat out in the middle of the ring
- Cena’s up first, and going for the top rope with the bad leg
- Cena leaps down onto AJ, and AJ manages to catch him, but it takes it out of both of them
- AJ pins Cena for two, Cena kicks out, both men getting tired now
- The two men struggle to their feet, trading blows
- AJ hits a Pelé kick, and then a Styles Clash – and Cena still kicks out!
- Shooting Star off the top rope from Styles, with the somersault, and Cena gets his knees up
- Cena gets Styles up for the AA, Styles gets out, back up for the AA
- Styles goes for a Pelé kick, but Cena dodges
- The ref gets knocked down and out of the ring as Cena hits an AA and pins Styles for three, but there’s no official to see it
- Gallows and Anderson come down, hit Magic Killer on Cena, and put AJ on top of him
- The official counts it, and that’s the win.
Oooh! Drama! AJ doesn’t look that happy about the win, although he wasn’t really with it at that point. That was a long, long match, that told a really good story, and kept me engaged despite being, well… Cena. That’s a fucking brilliant start of a feud we can fuel for a while longer!
Chris Jericho vs. Cesaro vs. Sami Zayn vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Kevin Owens vs. Dean Ambrose – Money in the Bank Ladder Match
I have a Sami, Kevin and Dean figurine each, so they’re all set up to watch this, and see if one of those three can win it. They’re watching with me tonight.
- Early brawl, Cesaro and Del Rio, Jericho and Dean, and of course KO and Sami at each other
- Dean and Jericho in the ring, before Dean takes a suicide dive to KO
- Jericho grabs a ladder to take it into the ring, but Cesaro punches him out of the way
- Del Rio kicks Cesaro in the arse, then a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker
- Uppercuts from Cesaro to Del Rio
- Cesaro on the side, throwing himself at Jericho with a ladder
- Snap suplex from Zayn to Del Rio
- Sami comes over the ropes into Cesaro, Dean, Del Rio and Kevin
- Kevin and Sami are fighting over a ladder, and Kevin sends Sami into the ring with a ladder to the gut, then follows up with a superkick
- Owens takes the ladder to the edge of the ring, and Dean grabs him, but it ends up being Dean send into the barricade
- Jericho kicks a ladder into Owens’ face and sends him flat
- STUPID IDIOT chant
- Cesaro leaping towards Jericho and getting a ladder to the face for his troubles, before Jericho drops him on it as well
- Jericho slamming the ladder into Cesaro’s head, and raising his hand
- Dean with chops to Jericho, then suplexes him onto the ladder
- Dean goes for Dirty Deeds to Jericho on the ladder, but Jericho reverses it and the ladder hits Dean in the back of the knees
- Jericho is slamming the ladder closed on Dean’s head over and over
- Del Rio breaks it up and bounces Jericho off the ladder
- Del Rio moves the ladder to balance it on the corner, and grabs Cesaro as his target
- Uppercut train! Cesaro bounces between Del Rio, Dean, and Jericho, but KO enters the ring and hits him with a superkick, before throwing him into the carefully balanced ladder
- Cannonballs from KO, Sami coming in with a Helluva Kick to Dean, then to KO and Jericho at once
- Sami grabs a ladder, and takes it into the ring, setting it up under the briefcase
- Del Rio grabs Sami and pulls him off the ladder, dragging him back up to hang him off the turnbuckles
- Del Rio rolls out, takes Dean out with a ladder, and pins Sami with the ladder to the ropes
- KO tries to intervene, gets a enzuigiri for his troubles
- Cesaro gets hung up for a double stomp on top of the ladder, which Del Rio hits
- Del Rio climbs the ladder, Jericho pulls him down, a few kicks to the face from Del Rio to discourage him
- Del Rio climbs the ladder, but Cesaro comes up to meet him on the other side
- Del Rio goes for the cross-armbreaker, on top of the ladder for Cesaro, KO breaks it up
- Cesaro bounces off the ladder for a corkscrew springboard uppercut onto KO
- Dean pulls Cesaro off the ladder, then gets moves away by Jericho, and the two duel to get to the ladder, with Dean hitting Dirty Deeds and Jericho hitting the Codebreaker
- Sami joins Jericho up the ladder, and then KO pushes the ladder over
- KO rights the ladder, and starts to climb, but Del Rio hits him with a backstabber
- Del Rio trying to get the ladder in the right place, and Cesaro picks him up for the swing, tossing him aside like a rag doll
- Jericho goes for the Codebreaker, but again gets caught into the swing, Jericho’s head bouncing off the ladder
- Cesaro moves the ladder, Dean comes in instead, climbs the ladder miles away from the case, and hits a huge flying elbow onto Cesaro
- THIS IS AWESOME chant
- Dean moves his ladder, but KO throws a ladder at his spine, and lies him down on the ladder
- KO hits a frogsplash off the top rope onto Dean on the ladder
- Dean rolls clear of the ring, Owens alone in the ring
- Sami rolls in as KO tries to raise his ladder, and the two trade slow blows
- Sami hits a Michinoku driver on Owens On the ladder, and the crowd move into a well-deserved HOLY SHIT chant
- Sami tries to pull the ladder into position, as the crowd chant OLE and he starts to climb
- Del Rio is back up, hitting Sami with the ladder over and over, before Sami goes limp
- Del Rio takes him out with a DDT, and then sets up resting a second ladder on the first and in the corner
- Sami rises, and starts climbing, bouncing Del Rio off the ladder, Sami climbing over him
- Jericho climbs the other side of the ladder, Cesaro coming in to hit Jericho with a ladder and the balances his own like Del Rio has
- Dean and KO are on the balanced ladders, and this is SO convoluted, but it looks cool
- Dean and KO are trying to pull down Jericho and Sami, as they’re all at the top of the ladder
- Cesaro sets up another ladder, next to the one that’s full up, and Del Rio coming in on the other side
- Del Rio and Cesaro’s ladder is pushed over, and Del Rio lands pretty badly by the looks of it
- Still Jericho and Dean on one side, KO and Sami on the other
- Finally Sami is on his own at the top, but Jericho runs over the ladders and pushes him down, reaching for the briefcase
- Dean grabs Jericho by the feet, and pulls him down, hitting Dirty Deeds off the ladder
- Sami is climbing the ladder alone, desperately climbing up
- Owens grabs Sami, and hits a pop-up powerbomb on to the ladder
- KO is climbing the ladder but Dean climbs up too, punching KO away from the case, the two brawling through the ladder
- Dean pushes Dean free, and pushes Owens onto the ladder bridge
- Dean has the briefcase!
YES! Makes the most sense for the story, especially with the other two members of the Shield fighting over the title tonight. I just really hope they don’t have Dean cash it in tonight and lose, because that would be the saddest thing. Dean looks so happy, holding his briefcase at the top of the ladder as his music plays.
MATCH: Rusev vs. Titus O’Neil – United States Championship Matc
Lana announces her lovely fiancé, of course, and Titus comes out alone because his kids aren’t allowed to come to the ring. This is one of the many ways that Rusev pwns Titus.
- Rusev rolls out of the ring early, and Titus is having none of that, running into him hard and taking him down with a clothesline
- Techies are moving out of the way as Rusev and Titus really go at it against the barricades
- Rusev manages to fight back a bit, getting Titus on the floor outside the ring
- Rusev slides into the ring to wait, he’s not bothered about a clean win
- Titus back into the ring at a count of seven, and Rusev is just hitting huge blows to Titus in the corner
- Titus catches Rusev with a boot
- Spin kick from Rusev, pins Titus for two
- Splash onto Titus from Rusev
- Kicks from Rusev to the small of Titus’ back, just dragging him around easily
- Titus fights back, elbows to the gut, but Rusev gets him back down for two
- Side headlock from Rusev to Titus, holding him there as Lana stands by and smiles at her loving fiancé smashing another man to pieces
- This hold goes on for a while, Rusev turning Titus to face his children in the crowd, making him look at them
- Titus fights his way out with a big right hand, and then a shoulder tackle, before he takes a knee to the face from Titus
- Titus lifts Rusev high before dropping him, and there’s a pin for two
- Rusev staggers into the corner, and there’s another shoulder tackle from Titus, then a kick
- Titus gets Rusev rolled up, but Rusev kicks out at two
- Rusev working the arms of Titus, and goes for the Accolade, but Titus blocks it
- Titus gets Rusev into a pump-handle slam, with a pin for two
- Big kick from Rusev to Titus, twice over, to knock him down to the ground
- Accolade from Rusev, Titus stuck in the middle of the ring
- Titus taps out
This was a slow match, not so much for what it did, but for what the two men couldn’t do, after we’ve had a lot of lighter, high-flying guys in the last few matches. Rusev keeps his title, and goes to stand by Titus’ children with a mic to tell them that their father is a loser. Ouch.
MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins – WWE World Heavyweight Title Match
I had a feeling, when we moved two pre-show matches onto the card, that this was the one being cut for time, because Seth’s knee still isn’t 100%. I didn’t want to be right, but with fifteen minutes to go, and them running the promo again? Yeah, this looks like that’s what they’ve had to do. I’m upset, because I was really, really looking forward to seeing Seth wrestle again, see some of his high-flying stuff, but then, you know the most disappointed person with all of this is going to be Seth himself. If this hasn’t been cut short? Then we’re going to HUGELY overrun, because we’re down to the last twelve minutes now. I hope it’s that we’re going to overrun!
Seth has new top ring gear now too, and while it’s a little like Corbin’s pants in design, it’s also back to Crossfit Jesus, and holy shit, the noises I just made. Hang on, does this mean he’s wrestling in a shirt? That would be disappointing. The boos start even before Roman comes down to the ring, so it almost looks like people are booing Seth. They’re not. They fucking love him, we all do, and next to the charisma of Seth, Roman just looks boring and slow. Please, please let this match be what we’ve been waiting for. Please. We see Seth stretch gum over his tongue as he stands waiting for Roman to finish grandstanding. Seth’s new shirt unzips down the front. God, the noises I’m making at this. I want to cry. I’m so overwhelmed with feeling.
- Seth bounces in the ring like a toy
- Collar and elbow tie early, Roman sends Seth into the corner quickly, it looks pretty vicious
- LET’S GOT ROLLINS/ROMAN chants become mixed, but we still get ROMAN SUCKS
- YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chanted at Roman as he shoves Seth back against the turnbuckle
- Seth rolling out of waist locks and wrist locks, into a hip toss to push Roman down to the mat
- Both men are standing again, and Seth goes down hard from a big shoulder tackle, and he looks almost startled, before climbing to his feet and getting hit with another one
- Roman comes off the ropes into a stunning dropkick from Seth, then a knee to the spine, before he comes over in a suicide dive and into Roman, landing on his feet
- More kicks from Seth, before he runs into a big arm from Roman and goes down hard in the corner
- ROMAN SUCKS chants
- Headbutt from Roman to Seth in the corner
- Vertical suplex by Roman, cover for one, and Seth kicks out
- Roman goes to put Seth’s face into the turnbuckle, and Seth gets a foot up
- Superman Punch from Roman to Seth, Seth hitting the mat hard
- We hear Roman say ‘you’re just the little brother’ as he hauls Seth up to deliver corner forearms
- Headbutt from Roman, still in the corner, but he frees Seth and pushes him to the other side, where Seth rolls up onto the top rope
- Seth gets picked up into a tilt-a-whirl slam, and a cover for two
- ‘You sure you’re ready?’ Roman says to Seth, and gets an open-hand slap from Seth in return
- Seth comes back with slaps and punches, but Roman gets him up on the top rope and smacks him over it
- Seth rolls off the apron and Roman follows him, slamming his head into the apron and rolling him over the Spanish announce table, before climbing back into the ring with the count at six
- He rolls back out, and grabs Seth again, slamming his head off the announce table three times, before starting to pull it apart
- Seth rolls back into the ring, then back out as Roman follows him, crawling away before his face is bounced off the announce table again
- Seth throws Roman into the steel ring steps, and both men are down
- Seth rolls Roman into the ring, and Seth goes to the top rope
- Roman spins him around, and manages a Razor’s Edge into a powerbomb in what has me legitimately saying holy shit as it goes down
- Seth’s still on the floor, and Roman stands up, prepping for the Superman Punch
- Seth counters, and Roman looks confused that things haven’t gone his way
- Seth rises in an enzuigiri, then a dropkick, pushing Roman out of the ring
- Suicide dive, twice over both men down against the barricade at the outside of the ring
- Both men back into the ring, and a quick cover from Seth, kick out by Roman at two
- Seth goes for a flying knee, doesn’t make it, Roman for a Superman Punch, Seth counters, Seth for a Pedigree, Roman counters, and then a superman punch connects, with Seth kicking out at two
- Seth staggers to his feet, and Roman goes for a spear, Seth blocks it with a kick
- Seth hits the flying knee off the top rope, then comes back for a frogsplash, getting a cover for two again
- Seth’s back out of the ring and trying to go to the top rope, Roman comes to him and punches him back, before targeting that preciously injured knee
- Roman goes for a superplex, and Seth punches out of it
- Seth goes for a sunset flip powerbomb, but takes it super slowly, and shoves Roman into the corner of the ring – still only a pin for two
- Both men stagger to their feet, forearms from Seth to Roman in the corner before he lifts Roman up to the top turnbuckle and tries to climb with him
- Roman pushes Seth away from him and down to the mat, but Seth climbs back up, only to get pushed away
- Finally, Seth gets a superplex into a falcon’s arrow, and pins Roman – but only for two! Fuck!
- Seth’s ring gear seems to be falling apart? He’s too thick for his own gear?
- Seth goes for a Pedigree, and it’s fought out of twice, Roman raises him high and drops him, pin for two
- Both men look at each other for a tension-filled moment, before they throw punches, boos for Roman, cheers for Seth
- Enzuigiri from Seth, who also dodges out of a Superman Punch
- Turnbuckle powerbomb from Seth, and then a Superman Punch from Roman, cover for two, still Seth kicking out
- Seth rolls out of the ring, and Roman does the same, walking around the ring to him
- Roman charges for a spear, and Seth dodges out of the way as Roman knocks the barricade over
- Roman seems to have hit pretty hard, and there’s three people trying to get him up, Seth standing back
- Seth rolls roman into the ring, and while the ref is trying to talk to the doctor, Seth drives Roman back into the ref
- Roman gets free and hits a spear on Seth, pinning him – but the ref starts the count slow, and Seth kicks out at two
- Roman roars to the crowd, and hits a spear, that Seth turns into a Pedigree! Pin for two again, Roman still kicks out
- Seth lifts Roman up for another Pedigree, and Roman is out
- Seth pins for THREE
- HOLY SHIT. I totally did NOT expect Seth to be taking the fucking title, the squeak I made must have woken my wife – and Dean’s music hits!
- Dean’s come down with the case, and shoved it into Seth’s face. He goes to the ref and cashes in the briefcase!!!
- Dean gets Seth up for Dirty Deeds, pins Seth – and it’s all over.
Dean’s got the title. Dean’s got the fucking title and I can’t help but wish he’d at least had a proper fight with Seth, but… holy shit. Dean’s got the fucking title, he’s never had the title before, the one Shield brother who’s never had it, and he’s the face of the company now. I might be crying a little bit, because he’s my favourite.
Well, Max Landis, you were right, this PPV was absofuckinglutely worth watching. The night every single member of the Shield was WWE World Heavyweight Champion. You can’t fucking fault that. Well done, WWE. Well done.
Jess’ll see you Monday for Raw, guys, when the fallout of all of this should be incredible.