Where is Triple H (Hunter Hearst Helmsley, for short)?. Why isn’t Stephanie McMahon more concerned over the disappearance of her husband? One could argue that Stephanie is powering through her grief to co run RAW and SmackDown with her brother. One could also argue that she and Shane teamed up and got rid of Hunter for good. One could argue that Triple H is merely running the NXT Developmental roster, but we don’t humor outlandish conspiracy theories like that here on Kayfabe Korner. (Editor: I think he’s still in a closet at the WrestleMania arena in Dallas, waiting to be folded up and put in the trunk with the rest of the equipment.)
After losing to Roman Reigns at Wrestlemania 32, Triple H has receded into obscurity, most likely cuddling Shawn Michaels, or a sledgehammer, or a lock of Stephanie’s hair. Maybe all three, I don’t claim to know what Hunter’s into. Possibly slowly dying in the McMahon family dungeon for failing to do what’s best for business.
I guess he doesn’t want revenge on Roman for spearing his wife, or taking his shiny belt. Although Steph looked pretty into it so maybe she asked him to let it slide.
He might be avoiding Seth, doesn’t want to tell him that he replaced Seth with Finn Balor. Doesn’t want an awkward no hug situation like Stephanie had.
You Can (Not) See Him
The purest man the WWE. Made in the test tubes of Vince McMahon’s evil lab, John Cena is basically sugar, spice, and everything nice. But instead of ‘accidentally’ pouring chemical X into the mix, Vince just dumped in several barrels of it creating the ultimate man.
Who can hate Nikki Bella’s boyfriend, John Cena? Who can double cross a man with a skull like that, light blue eyes, dimples that just suck in your soul. He never gives up, never surrenders, blah blah blah, America.
He knows he is the heart and soul of the company, The THE Man (not to be confused with The Man, Seth Rollins, or the The Guy, Roman Reigns, or even The Woman, Charlotte Flair). If the new era wants to survive in the WWE, they’re gonna have to go through him. Good luck new, fresh, young faces. See how well you do against this old man. Yes, it is true that the older you get the more you dislike change, and Cena has found a way to literally fight physical embodiments of change on live TV for money.
The first guy up to the challenge? AJ Styles. Yes, the old relic, John Cena (39 years old), to fight the new kid, the rising star AJ Styles (39 years old).
With his young, hot sidekicks, Gallows and Anderson (32 and 36, respectively), this club of men (known as The Club) hope to usher in a new era into the WWE. New, young faces and talent hoping to carry the torch for the next five years until they retire or explode and then pass it on themselves.
A Blessing Not Even in Disguise
A group of Unicorns is known as a Blessing. That is exactly what these guys are. Every time we see them on RAW or Smackdown or a PPV preshow or SWERVED (Season 2, premiering soon, only on the WWE Network) or UPUPDOWNDOWN. They are a group of genuine friends, brought together by chance and by the magical link that binds all Unicorns together.
With the recent announcement of the brand split, the Unicorns galloped their way onto the stage questioning if they’d be split up. Xavier looked close to tears, but luckily, Shane knew the devastating effects Unicorn tears have on the universe and quickly tried to calm Xavier down.
After events that included a dancing Shane, and a fight with two men who were frozen in the 1920s then were recently thawed out (and who are very confused on why women and ‘colored folk’ have the same rights as them and their mustaches), the blessing went backstage to probably have a group cuddle.
We don’t know the fate of these magical beings, but we know they will always remain in our hearts or wherever unicorns remain. Possibly our esophagus or large intestine.
(Disclaimer: when you photoshop John Cena’s head going into the ocean at Starbucks, be prepared for some weird looks)