GAYWATCH: 27th May – 3rd June ’16

Oh, darlings, will wonders never cease? I’ve been complaining archly to our reasearchers that everything has been far too heterosexual in recent weeks, and then, this week arrived like sunshine breaking through on a cloudy day. We’re back to our glorious, gorgeous, gay-centric usual, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Let’s deviate from our usual Dalton Castle today, to celebrate the spectacle that is Adam Cole. He’s a firm, firm favourite of our little team here… for many reasons.

The biggest surprise of the week was that, after telling us how he does himself now, and doesn’t want anything to do with his boys from The Club, AJ Styles is back with Gallows and Anderson! In a moment where he suckerpunched John Cena, AJ reunited with his two big lackeys, whom it’s rumoured are pretty dominant behind closed door. Luke Gallows, in particular was very excited by this turn of events, repeating over and over “That’s the AJ we love, that’s the AJ we love” in a tone that suggested he was about to burst into tears and fall down at AJ’s feet. It’s nice to see these boys getting along again, as AJ’s struggled with Chris Jericho dumping him, and not having anyone to cuddle him was porbably grating on the poor boy. Now he can sleep tucked up between his two boys again, safe and sound.

Meanwhile, The New Day are branching out of their usual cosy threesome with the manly due of Simon Gotch and Aiden English. They appear to be bonding over their love of pinks adn purples, and the way their outfits match each other, but there seems to be a little divide on where The Vaudevillains stand on racism. Ouch! Could be a deal break there, boys – better start reading some tumblr posts and brushing up on your equality stances. 

Darlings, the most kay-fabulous news we’ve had in months – it’s Tyler Breeze and Fandango, being stunningly gorgeous and incredibly talented with their hips. Our prayers have been answered, lovelies, it’s like all our birthdays have come at once, and they’re sparkly and coated in fake fur. 

In shades of Summer Breeze, the two have been spotted hanging out in the VIP area at ringside, and… well, only a certain number of men have ever been allowed into Tyler’s VIP area, if you know what I mean. It takes a special calibre of gentleman to tickle Tyler’s expensive fancy, but it seems like whatever Fandango does with his hips must be working, as even the legendary Dolph Ziggler never got into any selfies with his Prince Pretty.

From practising their Blue Steel together, to taking selfies, to making Tyler actually carry off that brown monstrosity, rather than any of his more colourful outfits, these two are clearly deeply in love, and it’s wonderful to see. Finally, Tyler has someone who deserves his love, and his time, and his body – and finally, Fandango has a point. Let’s hope they don’t break up loudly and shamefully, because that would put Tyler at three failed relationships since his debut, and that’s… well, then we might have to start calling him a pretty little… whore


In other news, there’s trouble in Canadian paradise between Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho. Last time we spoke, they were getting on so well, but the addition of Papi Del Rio seems to have upset their little slice of peace. For shame, Del Rio, can’t you make up with Rusev and go back to nuzzling each others’ chests? But it looks like the Mean Canadian Club might be breaking up, and for once, it’s not Kevin Owens doing the dumping. Nope, this time it’s Chris Jericho, just like he broke up with AJ Styles. Poor Jericho, hes such a trainwreck of stifled emotions – but maybe it’s for the best, so Kevin can go back to make macaroni pictures of Sami Zayn, or whatever he does when he’s moping.

Speaking of Sami Zayn, his little dalliance with Dean Ambrose seems to be falling apart at the seams as well, with Dean revealing that he’s not fond of Canadians. Not smart, Dean, bringing thisup in front of your Canadian boyfriend and Cesaro, who’s clearly in a devoted poly threesome with Canadians Natalya and Tyson Kidd. But then, Dean might be a wee bit distracted at the moment, poor mite – because a certain ex-flame seems to be back on the scene.

Seth Rollins is back, of course, and being a terrible tease about things with hottie Roman Reigns, looking like he might run back into those strong arms and take whatever punishment might be waiting for him for being such a little shit for the last two years. He teased it a little, running back and forth, that injured knee still looking a little sore, and, well, we could all see Roman’s heart melting a little at his little pup running home, even if he didn’t quite make it. But having known how Dean and Seth were before Seth took his injury time out, perhaps Dean’s a little upset that Seth seems to be focused on Roman. Don’t worry, Dean, Seth just wants forgiveness from the alpha big dog first, then he’ll come crawling back to you, sweetheart. It’s destiny.

Well, that’s our delicious delights for this week, my darlings – was there anything we missed? Anything we need to pay more attention to? We’ll be back next week with more of these gay gordons, and all the news you need. Keep it kay-fabulous, and we’ll see you next week!

(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions stated here are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)