Rehash

Kayfabe Korner: Money in the Bank

Alright, Money in the Bank is coming up (To remind you of the rules: A ladder match where wrestlers fight to win a briefcase with a contract inside that allows them a shot at the WWE Championship belt anytime anywhere), and the mid card is rising.  At the time I’m writing this article, we only have six out of seven contenders: Alberto Del Rio, who I can’t take seriously anymore, eh papi?, Cesaro, who murders hundreds of suits per year, Kevin Owens, please unblock me from twitter KO, Chris Jericho, who’s blocked Steph from twitter, Sami Zayn, so pure, so Canadian, and Dean Ambrose. I don’t really have words for Dean, just a lot of small noises.  

With Money in the Bank (A ladder match where wrestlers fight to win a briefcase with a contract inside that allows them for a shot at the WWE Championship belt anytime anywhere) coming up in a couple weeks, we don’t know yet if they’re gonna save the seventh spot for a surprise entrance or just give the Money in the Bank contract (a contract that can be cashed in at anytime anywhere for a shot at the WWE Championship belt) to Cena for simply existing.  

All these men have faced off with each other recently, apart from Del Rio, with Dean and Jericho fighting in a steel cage that had a bunch of shit in it.  Did Jericho really get almost seventy pins stuck in his back and elbow over a jacket?  Yeah, he did.  He bled for a jacket.  Dean made a man bleed over a plant.  #GiveDeanAChance

And, of course, Cesaro, Kevin Owens, and Sami Zayn recently were in a fatal fourway against Maryse’s trophy husband, The Miz.  Sami was about to win before he was distracted by KO’s stupid, sexy ass, allowing the Miz to retain the belt.  Nothing matters.  The universe is a hologram.  We all die in the end. 

But anyway back to Money in the Bank (A ladder match where wrestlers fight to win a briefcase with a contract inside that allows them for a shot at the WWE Championship belt anytime anywhere).  Tensions have been running high between like I think just three of the guys.  

Recently on Smackdown, Maggle Cole was attempting to talk to Dean about qualifying for Money in the Bank (A ladder match where wrestlers fight to win a briefcase with a contract inside that allows them for a shot at the WWE Championship belt anytime anywhere), when KO came out, mad that he had to see Cole twice in one week, oh weren’t we all.  After Cole scurried back into his hole, KO attempted to use intimidate on Dean, only to be interrupted by Sami Zayn of all people!  Sami and KO bickered back and forth, forcing Dean to stand in the middle, wondering if he should leave them alone or ask to join in.  

Alberto Del Papi wanted to get in on this and to prove his worth, he defeated Zack Ryder.  And this is where we are right now.  

 

THE MAN IS BACK

In other news, Seth Rollins is back!  Who else missed him huh?  Who else kissed the picture of Seth they have in their bathr- I mean, yeah!  We all missed him! Woo!

Seth basked in the ovation he received then proceeded to shit on everyone’s happiness, reminding us why we boo him, saying he burned all our fan mail.  Like okay edge lord.  Did you get your suit at Hot Topic, too?  Oh man and he’s so swol now too.  Like fuck he busts his knee and gains muscle.  Honestly I could talk forever about how much I missed that lovable, emo, piece of shit, but I think I drew out all my feels last week.

But you know who didn’t miss Seth?  Stephanie Mcmahon.  Seth used to be backed by The Authority back in the day, Steph and Triple H taking him under his wing.  He was expecting a warm welcome when he returned, only to be shunned, like he shunned Dean and Roman.  Stephanie rejecting his hug was like a steel chair to the heart.  Seth has resumed his mating rituals on Roman by showing off his hot bod and then running away laughing.  We’ll see at Money in the Bank (A ladder match where wrestlers fight to win a briefcase with a contract inside that allows them for a shot at the WWE Championship belt anytime anywhere) if this works out.  

 

Alright honestly I was waiting to finish this up after RAW cause I expected something to happen but really the most important thing that happened is KO and Jericho broke up, now KO has two Canadian exes on the roster.  

(disclaimer: do dodo doooooo do dodo doooooo do dodo doooooo)