Well, I’m joining us a little late to the kickoff show, and it’s Tom Philips back in the social media lounge, talking about talking to Rusev and Lana tonight. He looks a little less like a small boy who’s made a studio in his bedroom. Apparently it’s cool to have Dean’s girlfriend talk about what a lunatic he is. And I’m joined by a small black cat and my very, very unimpressed wife, who thinks Dean Ambrose looks like mashed potato, and thinks Mitch is a stupid name for a plant. She doesn’t know the struggles we’ve seen. Her only comment on ‘it’s the gift of Jericho, drink it in’ is ‘gaaaaaaay’. That’s the woman I love. Art, as always, is by Sora.
Renee is happily referring to her boyfriend as a lunatic while dressed like an homage to Dusty Rhodes. When Lawler calls her boyfriend an idiot, though, Renee thinks that’s a little harsh. “Look, he’s not an idiot – okay, so he’s really bad at laundry, but he’s not an idiot.” Booker and Lawler are on Team Jericho – Corey Graves mentions ‘before [Dean] was in WWE’… are we allowed to talk about this now? Are we allowed to talk about Dean as Jon Moxley? HAS AJ STYLES BROKEN THE KAYFABE REALITY OF THERE ONLY BEING ONE COMPANY? Lawler says that Dean’s IQ is the same as Mitch the plant, and he also needs to be watered twice a week. O…kay.
There’s a bizarre Shane promo for a podcast with Mick Foley – can’t we just stick him on Jericho’s talk show? Then we get a promo for the women’s match tonight, with a limping Ric Flair, because dear god, how will we survive if we don’t see a hell of a lot of Ric Flair, right? Whatever will we do if this isn’t about men, right? However will we cope if a man isn’t the focus?
Paige and Becky are on the kickoff panel, and Lawler’s basically sweating as they sit either side of him, eurgh eurgh eurgh. Lawler says there was nothing controversial about the finish of the Chicago Screwjob, and Becky’s hair is freshly dyed, a softer red, with flame-like tendrils of soft wonder. Paige says she hasn’t been the nicest person either, so she’s not going to talk about the controversy, but that she told Charlotte she’d have no friends. Becky says Ric has helped with every title defence, and that she’ll have to cope without her dad. Booker waffles on about genetically inclined, and we all roll our eyes. Paige is on team Charlotte, because she’s a ‘sneaky girl’, Lawler is on team Charlotte too, because he thinks that the Figure Four hurt more than the Sharpshooter. Becky is on team Nattie – so is Paige a heel right now? Booker rolls his eyes at ‘the new era of the women’, but he’s on team Nattie too.
The Dudley’s pyro: “Scared the crap out of me” “Yeah, that’s Jersey.” Sage words from our ‘experts’ here.
Mauro! Mauro and Byron, my double-team duo of dapper depictions! God, I love these two together, I feel like Byron does enough colour and Mauro enough play-by-play, and… god, yeah. “ECDUBYU” chants for the Dudleys, and oh god, no, they’re going to talk. They say they’ve been in more extreme matches than the whole locker room. And then they actually talk about ECW, which gets a cheer, but plug it on the Network, and get booed for that. Apparently the Dudley Boyz wrote the end of ECW… okay, I can buy that, the Invasion angle was really poorly handled. Bubba wants to get out of stinking New Jersey already.
Big Cass is here! And he appears to be wearing one of his boyfriend’s shirts, cut down the sides to fit. He shouts a variety of foods at the Dudleys, and tells them that they ate the tables. Cass says that the new era is better than the old because they have millions of people who love them, and they don’t have to do anything in seedy ballrooms and bingo halls. He climbs into the ring, and beats up the old men, outnumbered or not, with an East River Crossing to D-Von, and then wanders back to the mic to call them sawft. With his hair loose like that, and those trunks, he reminds me of a young Triple H. Now there’s a thought.
The Miz and Maryse are talking to Jojo, and Maryse appears to be dressed as some sort of dominatrix, which I think we all knew was her role in her marriage, really. Miz lists off all the terrible films he’s been in, and adds that his most challenging role was pretending to be interested on Table For Three. His eyes are really blue, I’ve never really seen before, because I normally watch Raw on grainy illegal streams. Of course, he comes back and does a second take, because The Miz is the best comedy heel we have, who manages to be hilarious and also this vicious sleekit weasel. It’s marvellous, and I love him. The kickoff panel laugh at him, because that’s how you make a credible threat.
Lawler is on team Miz, Corey is on team KO, and Booker is still laughing about the promo, because his brain runs slower than everyone else’s. He’s on team Cesaro, apparently. No one’s on Sami’s team, because no one needs to be – everybody loves the bastard.
After that, Corey Graves proves he’s inflexible, by saying Kalisto was bent in a way the human body isn’t meant to bend. You ever seen gymnasts, Corey? No?
Tom Phillips is with Rusev and Lana, and Rusev’s heavy fake accent slips like hell. Lana says it’s very disrespectful that it’s #AskRusev and not #AskRusevAndLana, she says she’s a person, and she’s hurt. Lana says that you can just google what ‘Machka’ means, and I just… it’s cat in Serbian, guys. It’s cat. Rusev cat. Rusev and Lana say that they have come to America for opportunity and money, because Americans are too lazy too take them. That’s rich, from a man who sounds like Roman Reigns – too much time spent in Florida? Or is this just what happens after a certain level of bass hits your voice? Either way, Lana – you know, the woman born in the US – sounds a lot more convincingly foreign than the man born in Bulgaria.
Oh, god, it’s AJ talking. I just can’t help it, when I have to listen to him talk, I switch off, and Roman Reigns talking too doesn’t help. This is a very, very dull promo with rushed shots to try and make it seem exciting, but it’s just not. I mean, AJ’s better in the ring, I find both of them impossible to listen to on the mic, AJ for drawl reasons, Roman for stumbling reasons, and Roman’s pretty, so frankly, I’m going with the man with better hair. Lots of chair shots in this promo – like the wrestling equivalent of a moneyshot, they feature heavily in the promotional material, but in the real thing, you have to wait ages for just one, and it’s usually not worth it.
The panel of experts are here to give us some idea that Roman is dangerous, and Corey says they’ll have to wait for another night to “too sweet” their best friend. Uh, no, I did it with my mate at work just the other day. The wrestling police didn’t stop us. Booker is on AJ’s side, Graves is on Roman’s, and I tuned out Jerry Lawler out of self-defence. Anyone else noticing that Renee doesn’t get an opinion in any of these, almost like hers isn’t worth anything? Huh. Just wondering.
MATCH: Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler
I have to confess, I keep accidentally typing ‘Corbyn’, the name of the UK Labour Party’s cardigan-wearing leader, and Baron Corbin is…. Not him. Dolph’s wearing a bit more white than usual, and I’m appreciating the white and pink, it looks adorable on him, like I want to pin him down and leave pink lipstick marks all over those white tan lines we know he has. Look, it’s nearly 1am, let me have this.
- Early headbutts from both men
- Dropkicks from Ziggler, both men still have their shirts on, for shame
- Throwing Ziggler into the ringpost, Corbin strips off his shirt while Ziggler lies outside the ring
- Dragging Ziggler back in, Corbin smacks him with a huge elbow
- Corbin apparently has a double degree in sociology and psychology. Figures, everyone with a psychology degree is a secret nutter
- Corbin hangs Ziggler up on the ropes and shouts into his face that he should have stayed home
- Ziggler lies limp on the ropes and takes a few blows to the face, before slumping off the ropes and lying flat. Remember when they let Dolph Ziggler wrestle?
- Chin lock from Corbin to Ziggler, who battles out to polite applause
- Dolph dodges a lunge, Corbin rolling almost out of the ring
- Two running clotheslines from Ziggler, followed by a neckbreaker
- Dolph goes to drop the elbow, but Corbin dodges
- Dropkick by Ziggler takes Corbin down for a pin, kick out at two
- Dolph’s hair is really well-contained, though you can still see the traces of pink in it, and I miss it being loose and blonde
- Roll up from Ziggler, pin for two
- Corbin comes back with a Deep Six and pins Ziggler for two
- Both men lie dazed on the mat, but Corbin rises first and takes Ziggler by the hair, and WHY DOES ZIGGLER STILL HAVE A SHIRT ON?
- Corbin lifts Ziggler for a powerbomb, Ziggler leaps and lands on the ropes, jumps off and hits a Famouser, pin for two!
- Dolph goes for a superkick, but Corbin dodges and hit a low blow – poor Dana Brooke won’t be getting much loving tonight
- End of Days from Corbin, and the pin for the win
I’m just… I miss when Ziggler actually did stuff? They’re not showing him at his best against Corbin, and that bothers me, because where’s the joy in beating someone when they’re not at their best? Also, why did he keep a shirt on for the whole time? I object to my male wrestlers covering up when the women are in basically underwear. *sighs* So much for extreme, though I guess Ziggler covering up is pretty extreme.
MATCH: The Usos vs. Gallows & Anderson – Tornado Tag Team Match
Lillian Garcia tells us what the fuck a tornado tag team match is – all four men are legal at the same time. This match starts before we ever get into the ring, so it’s going to be a shitshow, clearly. Great. I love calling things like this.
- Jimmy and Jey double teaming Anderson while Gallows stands at ringside like he doesn’t know what a tornado tag team match is, even though Lillian just told him
- There’s someone really screamy at ringside and it’s annoying as balls
- Jey for a pin on Anderson, kicks out at two
- Weird shot of Anderson’s arse, because that’s what we want from today
- Does it literally say ‘blood’ and ‘line’ down the sides of the Usos’ clothes? Then again, Gallows has his initials on his leg, in case he loses his trousers in the locker room
- Jimmy outside the ring, both Anderson and Gallows taking turn on Jey in the corner, cover for two
- Jimmy smacks Anderson out of, the ring, and Jey covers Gallows for two
- Anderson drags Jimmy back out of the ring then leaps in to tackle Jey as well
- Karl Anderson is giving Jey bad dirty talk in the corner ‘ughhh, do you like that…?’ and that’s pretty creepy
- Another pin for two on Jey, because poor Jey is taking all of the violence today
- Jimmy pulls Anderson out of the ring, then double superkick from the Usos on Anderson
- The crowd are booing Anderson and Gallows, because… they’re the bad guys? God, being family of Roman Reigns is being hated by association – no wonder he doesn’t hang with Dean anymore
- Spinebuster by Anderson on Jimmy Uso, kick out at two
- Four men lie in the middle of the ring like dead bumblebees
- Anderson wants Jey Uso to know who he’s messing with, and runs into a superkick
- Attempting to get USO chants going results in boos
- Clothesline from Gallows to Jey, Jimmy’s still lying in the ring, as if they couldn’t pin him right now
- Gallows screams at Anderson to get up, after he’s thrown Jey over the barricades
- Gallows goes pick up the ring bell, and Jimmy Uso claws at the ropes, probably thinking he’s not paid enough for this, but fells Gallows with a superkick
- Jimmy goes to the top rope, but hits a splash on the ring bell instead of Gallows
- Gallows and Anderson hit the Magic Killer, and that’s it, pin on Jimmy for three
Well, that was about as long as we needed it to be, and vaguely interesting, but I’m interested that the Usos are now guilty by association of being near Roman, and are therefore the bad guys, despite… you know, not being the heels. Interesting. Also, that managed to be a pretty well-composed match for something where four men were legal at the same time, and two of those men are twins. Jimmy and Jey are helped from ringside by referees, because walking is complicated if you’re related to Roman Reigns. Oh, no, wrong ‘w’ word – winning! Winning is complicated if you’re related to Roman Reigns.
MATCH: Kalisto vs. Rusev – United States Championship Match
Apparently Kalisto has a strained intercostal muscle. Oh, walk it off, you big baby, I recapped half of WrestleMania on four different opiates, and had surgery the next day. Boo hoo. Lana comes to introduce her boo, and out he comes, stalking to the ring like a big Bulgarian… predator of some sort. Or a shaven bear, if Kevin Owens isn’t filling that niche tonight. Kalisto is dressed in gold and purple, like a regal king.
- Fast kicks from Kalisto to start us off and whoever is using flash photography at ringside needs to stop, because I’m going to have a seizure otherwise. I wish I was kidding
- Rusev stomping on Kalisto as Lana looks disinterested while leaning against the barricades, blocking the view of some fan who paid for that seat
- Huge kick to Kalisto’s face
- Kalisto lies like a defeated beetle in the ring, and Rusev drops the elbow before gaining a pin for two
- Kalisto’s bounced off the ropes and get a kick to Rusev’s knee, but Rusev comes back, and another pin for two from Rusev
- Bear hug from Rusev, and it just looks like they’re cuddling at an airport in a rom com
- Kalisto basically buckles to the mat as Rusev squeezes him, and JBL talks about Rusev’s 300lb anaconda… tmi, Layfield, tmi
- Kalisto reaches the ropes, Rusev breaks the hold and puts a knee in Kalisto’s spine
- Kalisto hoisted onto the shoulders of Rusev, Kalisto gripping Rusev’s head, and swing himself into a sleeper hold, Rusev looking like he’s fading, before dropping backwards onto Kalisto
- You can see the kids in the audience doing the ‘lucha’ chant motions and at that’s super cute
- Kicks from Kalisto to Rusev again, bloody gorgeous corkscrew off the ropes to Rusev
- Hurricanrana from Kalisto to Rusev, and there’s a pin for two
- Rusev ends up outside the ring, and Kalisto takes him down with a hurricanrana right into the steps
- Both men back in the ring, splash from Kalisto, pin on Rusev for two
- Salida del Sol dodged, stunning moonsault from Kalisto off the top rope and onto Rusev as he’s outside the ring
- “You can’t beat a man outside the ring!” “Well, Kalisto can, in this sort of match up.” “You are correct.”
- Kalisto driven spine-first onto the apron “The hardest part of the ring”, yes, thank you commentary
- “Kalisto has not hardly moved” I TEACH SMALL CHILDREN WHO TALK BETTER THAN YOU DO
- Rusev drags Kalisto from the edge of the ring, while he’s being seen to by two officials
- Rusev keeps coming back as the ref tries to check on Kalisto
- Accolade from Rusev, and Kalisto taps out – Rusev takes the title!
Clever, cementing Rusev as the heel, because he’s attacking a downed man, a possibly injured man, and we’re all pretty scared of injured men right now, as the roster continues to explode around us, so that makes him a strong heel. Kalisto is still down in the centre of the ring, with officials over him, which… sorry, it works on me, story or no, because I’m so scared of injured wrestlers right now. Even Kalisto’s chest moving in static little breaths makes me worried. I’m a mark when it comes to injuries. Sorry, I just can’t not believe it when so many are out at the moment.
MATCH: The New Day vs. The Vaudevillains – Tag Team Titles Match
I’ll ignore the preview of the new TMNT film that looks shit, and we get a recap of the New Day’s promo with the time machine. Alright. Big E is carrying some hoes, which I’m assuming will be used in some high-larious wordplay. Xavier Woods is only talking to the ladies, and his DMs are open for pictures or videos… dear god, you really, really don’t want to ask for that, man. I told Dolph Ziggler to go to bed once on twitter, and after he said ‘k babe’, I got @-ed in on pictures of boobs. Also, you’re MARRIED.
Apparently the tools are Aiden English and Simon Gotch, and there we go, we’re putting those hoes in the ground, we’re told. God, I could listen to these guys talk for the next hour or so quite happily, can we have that instead of the matches?
- Xavier against English to start off, nice to see Xavier working again, hurricanrana to English
- Xavier sent over the ropes onto the apron, bumped by Gotch and then thrown into the barricades by English
- Pin from Gotch to Woods, kick out at two
- Pin from English to Woods, kick out at two, headlock from English
- Elbow from Gotch, and another pin for two
- Enzuigiri from Wood to Gotch, and both men are flat in the ring, crawling to their partners
- Big E with a belly to belly suplex to English, followed by a second, and then a third, and English is so pale you can see a pink mark on him where E has bumped him
- Big splash from Big E
- English bounced onto the apron, Big E runs towards, into the ropes, and a pin from English for two
- English shouts at Kofi, Big E picking him up for the Big Ending, but Gotch from behind throwing E into Woods after a tag is made
- Big E sent into the steps
- Whirling Dervish from English, Gotch tagged in as the legal man, pin for two on Woods
- Big E back in and pouncing English off the side of the ring
- Trouble in Paradise from Kofi to Gotch, outside of view of the ref, and Xavier makes the pin for three
The New Day retain? A little upset about that, because Predictions Jordan is right, it’s a little dull right now, and they’d do better feuding with someone new… but if this means the titles are being kept for Enzo and Cass, I can’t complain.
Renee Young backstage with AJ, who says Anderson and Gallows won’t be involved in his match. He’s still wearing his wedding ring, that’s cute, I guess he keeps it on under the gloves. Or takes it off later, but hey, that’s a sweet little thing to note, and more interesting than anything either of them say.
MATCH: The Miz vs. Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro vs. Sami Zayn – Fatal Fourway Intercontinental Title Match
Wow, we’re actually sticking to convention and the champion is coming out second, LittleKuriboh will be fucking thrilled. When Cesaro does his stripping entrance, KO gives him sarcastic thumbs up and mouths ‘so good’ at him. I love how KO manages to say exactly what he means, but because he’s a wonderful heel, everyone just takes it as sarcasm. Maryse looks like a dominatrix queen, all glitter on black, and I love it. Cesaro’s shoulder is still taped with kinesio tape, too. Bit rough.
- Helluva kick to KO from Sami Zayn, rolling him out of the ring, and Miz looks stunned
- Miz hit with an uppercut from Cesaro, also sent out of the ring
- Deep arm drags and arm bar from Sami to Cesaro
- The fun multiple kip ups from Cesaro, because why not
- Stunning hurricanrana from Zayn, then a heel kick, Cesaro looking a little battered
- OLE chants, of course
- Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Cesaro to Sami, pin for two
- Sami with a backwards leapfrog off the bottom rope, sending Cesaro over the ropes
- Miz back in, Sami sending Cesaro out, and then Miz following him
- Sami with a somersault over the ropes to land on Miz and Cesaro
- Sami drags Miz in and pins him for two in the middle of the ring
- Miz begs for time out, Sami pausing, gets grabbed and thrown into the ring post, some stomps in the corner
- Miz throwing himself into Sami in the corner, then climbing to the top rope
- Sami catches Miz, and comes in to grab at Miz
- Cesaro breaks them up then KO breaks up all of it
- KO takes Cesaro and Miz out of the ring, and then slams into Sami
- Boot to the spine from KO to Sami, Owens seems a little unhappy at this
- BOO I HATE YOU KEVIN from ringside by someone whose opinion is incorrect
- KO taking Cesaro back off the apron, a pin to Sami for two
- KO sending Miz off the apron and into the barricades, leaving a worried Maryse to check on her hubby
- KO back to Sami with vicious elbows and forearms
- KO lets Sami try to run the ropes, before dropping him hard for a blow between the legs from the ropes
- Sami collapsed in the ring, KO goes to the top rope
- Miz back in, goes for a superplex, eats a headbutt from Owens
- Sami up to KO, again for a superplex, and another headbutt from Owens
- Miz and Zayn between them go for the superplex, but Cesaro gets in underneath them all and flips them all
- Cesaro pins Miz for two, then Sami for two!
- Cesaro takes Sami up for a delayed vertical suplex, but Sami uses the delay to knee Cesaro in the head
- Blue Thunder Bomb from Sami to Cesaro, Miz breaking it up with a knee to the face
- Miz pins Cesaro for two, then switches to pin Sami for two, both men kicking out
- THIS IS AWESOME chants, and… yeah, it’s not bad
- Miz walking into an exploder from Sami, all four men sprawled in the ring, one in each corner
- Cesaro rises, surveying who to aim for first, and it’s the uppercut train
- Uppercuts curtailed by Miz walking into the middle of the ring and into an elbow
- Cesaro going for the swing on Miz, KO breaks it up with a German suplex to Cesaro
- Cannonball from KO in each corner, to each man, still bellowing ‘IT’S MY TITLE’
- Goes for pop-up powerbomb, but Sami fights out, Sami goes to Cesaro and eats an uppercut he’s thrown into
- Skullcrushing Finale from Miz to Cesaro, and a pin for – two and a half! So close!
- Miz goes back to Cesaro, some slaps to the face, Cesaro coming back with a punch
- Uppercuts out of a corkscrew from Cesaro, fuck, that was impressive
- Furious Cesaro SWINGS Miz for what feels like forever
- Sharpshooter from Cesaro onto Miz, Miz crawls to the ropes and grabs Maryse’s hands
- As Cesaro moves Mix further into the ring, Maryse is dragged to, as the ref deals with her, Mix taps, but the ref doesn’t see (though we can all hear it) and Cesaro releases, thinking he’s won
- Cesaro swings Miz again, hanging him off the ropes and KO splashes onto him
- Neutralizer from Cesaro to KO, Sami breaks the pin at two and a half, pins Owens himself but only for two
- Backslide by Zayn on Cesaro, followed by a gorgeous roll up counter spot, with a pin on Cesaro from Sami for two
- Sami settles himself in the corner as Cesaro is in the opposite, goes fro the Helluva Kick, but runs into an uppercut from Cesaro, but manages to get Cesaro into the corner again
- Zayn goes for the Helluva Kick again, walks into a superkick from Cesaro
- KO pop-up powerbomb to Cesaro, pin for two, Miz breaks it up
- Owens and Miz outside the ring, Maryse to distract and Miz goes in to try and pin Cesaro, managing it for two, but Cesaro kicks out
- Cesaro sends Miz over the top rope, Helluva Kick from Sami to Cesaro, KO dragging Sami out while he tries to get the pin
- Sami and KO fighting outside the ring, beating each other to pieces by the barricades
- Miz pins Cesaro inside the ring, and Sami slides in just a second too late – Miz retains!
Fuck me, that was a hell of a match, that was fucking incredible, and I might not usually be given to profanity, but that was bloody awesome, and I could have watched that for the better part of an hour. I actually have no concept of how long that was, it was THAT GOOD. Miz raises his title and kisses his gorgeous wife, and that’s a bloody well done match, boys. Fuck me, that was stunning, it was so good I want to go back in time and lose my virginity while that match plays in the background.
MATCH: Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho – Asylum Match
Ah, the asylum match, aka Dean hung his cleaning supplies over the ring in the ‘Hell In A Cell’ cage, and told Renee it was for work, so he couldn’t do his chores. You can only win via pinfall and submission, apparently that’s new and scary. Alright. I’m going to take a chance to drink and eat a biscuit before this match starts, because any match with Dean Ambrose in it tends to run very fast and is hard to recap. Plus, flashing lights in Jericho’s entrance, and seizures are nobody’s friend. Dean’s in black tonight, and I’m hoping it’s a tearaway shirt to make up for Dolph Ziggler keeping his shirt on. Apparently Jericho’s going to scream, cry and beg for mercy – do you guys have a safeword, or are you just using the stoplight system?
- Dean beckons Jericho to him, Jericho seems a little reluctant, talking to the ref
- Jericho in… jeans?
- Some simple punches from Ambrose and already Jericho is shouting for the door to be opened
- Jericho cries like a whiny girl until he eats a clothesline from Dean
- The screams of the women for Dean. Me too
- Elbow from Jericho, climbing up to get a weapon, but Dean catches him by the waistband of his jeans
- Flaying tackle from Dean to Jericho, and then he bounces Jericho’s head off the cage wall
- Ambrose picks up Jericho again and throws him into the opposite walls of the cage, then debates his little rooftop toys
- Dean climbs up for a weapon, but Jericho pulls him down, Dean tries to drag him down again, and then both men are climbing
- Dean grabs the mop and uses it to push Jericho off the cage, then… sticks it in his ear? Sorry, I’m laughing too hard to recap this
- Dean brings the mop handle down on Jericho’s back over and over again
- LET’S GO MOPPY chants
- Leg sweep from Ambrose to Jericho, taking him down to the floor where he rubs the mop in Jericho’s face
- Boot the to face from Jericho, followed by a missile dropkick and pin for one, Ambrose kicking out
- Jericho picks up the mop and smacks it down on Deans face, and my network freezes on Jericho’s chest, maybe because it doesn’t want me to miss the gift of Jericho
- Dean down in the middle of the ring, Jericho climbs up for the barbed wire 2 x 4 but Dean drags him down with hits to the small of the back, followed by a suplex
- Both men down in the ring, taking a breather
- Both men climb opposite sides of the cage, Jericho with the barbed wire 2 x 4, and Dean with nunchucks
- Dean looks a little bothered by Jericho having the 2 x 4, and Dean shows off a bit with the nunchucks, because it’s his party trick
- The 2 x 4 dropped, Dean takes out Jericho with the nunchucks, but he gets free, running to the other side of the cage
- Dean gets ready for Jericho to come back at him, but he doesn’t, climbing the walls of the cage and trying to climb over
- Dean drags Jericho back inside, but Jericho grabs the kendo stick and leaves Dean on the side of the cage, smacking him with the kendo stick a couple of times, before Dean falls to the centre of the ring
- Jericho comes off the top rope with what would be a double axe handle, only he hits with the kendo stick instead
- Jericho drops the kendo stick and comes back with the nunchucks for a couple of hits
- Jericho hits a suplex on Dean and leaves him in the centre of the ring before climbing up for the leather strap
- “C’mon whipping boy!” from Jericho, and… I’m not sure I’m not just watching my BDSM fantasies play out here
- Jericho gives Dean three licks with the strap, and I’m pretty sure I’m writing fanfic right now, right?
- Jericho settles himself on the top turnbuckle and gives Dean another lick with the strap, but Ambrose comes to him, dragging him down and diving for the strap himself
- Jericho is on all fours in the centre of the ring “That bare skin of Jericho is about to get welts all over it”
- Look, I know it’s my birthday in on Tuesday, but… you really didn’t have to do this just for me, WWE
- Dean comes back with punches to Jericho’s face, but Jericho launches Dean into the cage wall
- Jericho rushes to the door and demands it’s opened, then climbs up again
- Dean drags him back down into the ring and gives him some punches as they both stand on the top rope, Jericho knocked down to take a rope between the legs
- Ambrose walks along the top rope to the fire extinguisher, shuffling to unhook it and pull out the pin
- Jericho starts climbing again, but there’s no weapon above him, so changes space and goes for the straitjacket
- The straitjacket falls as Jericho does, and while Jericho throws the straitjacket over Dean’s head, before hitting an enzuigiri and pinning Dean for two
- Jericho throws Dean into the cage again, and once he’s standing again, hits a dropkick, sending Dean further back into the fence of the cage
- Jericho with some blows to Ambrose’s head, and tries to put him into the straitjacket for a second time
- Ambrose tries to fight free, and really, Jericho, you didn’t do restraint training, this is pretty unsafe
- Ambrose fights his way out of Jericho’s hold and the jacket, unleashing chops on to Jericho and slamming him to the mat time and time again
- Running bulldog attempt, but Jericho dodges, Ambrose takes him down with a lariat and pins him for two
- Dean climbs the to the top rope, leaping over Jericho and rolling through
- Backbreaker from Jericho to Ambrose, Ambrose back up easily
- Running bulldog from Ambrose, taking Jericho down hard
- Dean goes to the apron, climbing to the top turnbuckle, but Jericho comes up to join him, and the men trade headbutts until Jericho falls to the mat
- Dean considers the side of the cage, and climbs up to him, turning to look at Jericho as he gets up
- Flying elbow from the top of the cage to Jericho and both men are down in the middle of the ring, panting
- Ambrose gets an arm over for the cover, and Jericho just manages to kick free at two
- Dean climbs to the top of the cage again, for the mop bucket, removes the lid, and pulls out a little black bag to crowd cheers
- THUMBTACKS! Ohhhhh my god the noise I made just woke my wife, but I DON’T CARE
- Jericho’s climbing the cage, trying to get out, and he gets Jericho on his shoulders
- Jericho rolls through, pinning Ambrose for two, but Dean carries Jericho to the thumbtacks, and it’s just… roll ups near the thumbtacks, but not on them
- Jericho looks for the Walls of Jericho, doesn’t get it, then comes off the ropes in a Lionsault
- Dean looking for Dirty Deeds on the thumbtacks, Jericho rolls through
- Jericho gets Walls of Jericho locked in, ropes won’t break the hold, and Dean rises up, crawls towards the kendo stick, aiming it at Jericho
- You can see the number of thumbtacks in Dean’s shoes, and I’m just thinking that I hope they clear all those up before the next match
- Splintered kendo stick in hand, Dean climbs to the top ropes, but Jericho sprays fire extinguisher in his eyes, blinding him
- Codebreaker and roll up from Jericho and Dean kicks out just about in time
- Jericho goes for the barbed wire 2 x 4 and hits Dean right in the middle, before hitting him on the back, as he asks Ambrose if he wants to get up
- Dean tries, but Jericho takes him with a hit to the gut with the 2 x 4
- Dean gets up, Jericho’s looking for another Codebreaker, but Dean gets him up on his shoulders and drops him down on the thumbtacks HOLY SHIT
- Dean hits Dirty Deeds in the thumbtacks and Jericho’s forearms are a fucking mess, he’s bleeding quite fucking clearly – and Dean pins him and wins!
Holy fucking shit I didn’t think they’d let the thumbtacks actually be used, fuck me. I’m a little bit of a hardcore fan, and I’m pretty damn fond of a little suffering with my art, and just… fuck. I was thinking this would be a match where Jericho sort of passed the torch of showman to Dean, but that was… so much more than I expected. Holy fucking SHIT. Wow. Uh, seriously, I think WWE just gave me a birthday present in the form of Chris Jericho taking some thumbtacks to the back and forearms. I mean, I made BDSM jokes, but that was… wow.
MATCH: Charlotte vs. Natalya – WWE Women’s Championship Submission Match
Nattie out first, wow they really are sticking to convention, aren’t they? Charlotte’s wearing her PPV robe again, and is it not a bit weird to wear your dad’s old clothes? Maybe? I like Charlotte’s top, though, it looks like it gives really good support, which is what you need when you’re fighting another woman to the death. Nattie lunges at Charlotte before she even has a chance to take the title off. Oh hey, it’s Eden Styles! Awkward being at work since your hubby asked for (and got) his release? No? Just asking.
- Match starts and both women just stand there, before Nattie puts up the dukes
- Grappling to start with, lots of blonde hair flying, and I miss Nattie’s pink streaks
- Charlotte looks dizzy and a little sick after a couple of takedowns from Nattie
- Nattie looking like she’s going for the Sharpshooter early, but Charlotte reverses the leglock and hold Nattie still
- Snapmare takedown from Nattie to Charlotte, before she’s back down to the mat and Nattie’s setting up for a surfboard… that involves her smacking Charlotte’s arse? What?
- Charlotte rolls through, taking two big right hands from Nattie
- Charlotte practically cartwheels herself onto the apron?
- Discus clothesline from Nattie, Charlotte rolling out of the ring, and Nattie following her
- Chops from Charlotte to Nattie outside the ring
- Back in, vicious boot from Charlotte to Nattie’s chest, taking her down hard
- Nattie’s curled in a ball on the floor, and Charlotte starts setting up for the Figure Eight
- Nattie counters into a armbar, Charlotte breaking it into a roll up that doesn’t count, lifting Nattie high and dropping her onto the mat
- Both women moving with difficulty, Charlotte wrenching Nattie’s left leg and going for a vicious leglock that she rolls into, prepping for the Figure Eight, working Nattie’s leg
- NATTIE chants that sound pretty close by and small
- Boot to Nattie’s throat from Charlotte, with a little ‘woo’ as she stops
- Suplex from Charlotte into the ropes, Nattie’s knees taking the damage
- Charlotte goes to the top rope and lands her moonsault on Nattie, hard
- Half crab from Charlotte to Nattie, and she gets Charlotte off her
- German suplex from Nattie to Charlotte, locks in the Sharpshooter
- Charlotte crawls to the ropes, folding her body and bending it up
- Hold broken
- We hear a ‘WOO’ and Ric’s music, and Nattie tells the ref to hold her hand up – but it’s not Ric, it’s DANA BROOKE
- Charlotte grabs Nattie, and although she breaks free, she gets caught up fighting Dana on the apron
- Charlotte locks in the Figure Eight – and Nattie taps; Charlotte retains
The boos aren’t even spirited for this, and Ric Flair high fives Dana Brooke, and… really? How many women on this fucking roster aren’t involved with fucking Ric Flair right now? I’m SO FUCKING TIRED of this SHIT. Dana cuddles Ric as Nattie is led from ringside, the ref fighting her back with his hands on her, you know, the way they generally don’t touch the men, because…. FUCK I’M SO ANGRY. That match was eight minutes, by the way, with the whole segment at fifteen, and I’m just… god I’m so tired of this. I was feeling really good about this PPV, I was hoping Charlotte could win clean and realise that she could do it on her own, that she didn’t need her dad, that there’d be some sort of character development, and… ARGH. And now I have to watch fucking ROMAN REIGNS. Win. Again. What did I do to deserve this?
MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles – WWE World Heavyweight Championship Extreme Rules Match
In a wonderful turn of events, the crowd start booing for Roman even before his music starts, just as soon as AJ’s music stops, and you know what? I don’t care. I like Roman, I cheer for him even when I shouldn’t, I own five Roman Reigns shirts, but I’m BORED and TIRED of being able to know when things are happening and who’s going to win, and I’m just… disappointed. Yes, Roman looks pretty in the gold vest, I like that, and he’s lovely looking, but I want a WRESTLER, not a man. Do I have to recap this match? It’s half three in the morning, can’t I just go to bed? (Sora: Honestly, just go to bed, copy paste from the last PPV, and add chairs.)
- Lock up to start, Roman throwing Styles into the corner, he dodges another move from Roman
- Styles going for a waist lock, Roman fights him back with an elbow
- YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chants, at a man trained to do that, who is… sort of doing that? Badly? I don’t even care to defend the man anymore, I’m apathetic about it all
- Kicks and punches from AJ to Roman in the corner, Roman punches back
- Corner clotheslines from Roman, winding up for the final punch, which misses wildly
- AJ coming back with punches, before a huge knee from Roman, although he still manages to make it look like a botch
- AJ rolls out of the ring and goes for the steel chair, Roman popping out of the ring to put his foot on AJ’s head and pick the chair up himself
- Alpha male posturing as Roman hits the apron with the chair
- Styles tries to drag Roman out of the ring, gets kicked in the face
- “Roman Reigns is dangerous when he doesn’t have a weapon!” Yeah, just put him near a mic and we’re all in danger of being asleep
- AJ bounces Roman off the steps and then off an announce table, I wasn’t paying enough attention to know whose it was
- AJ clears off the English announce table, and throws Roman out into the crowd, where he’s actually in more danger of being legitimately punched
- AJ keeps punching Roman as he moves through the crowd, and you can see people grabbing at Roman, as they two of then end up back near the lighting rigs
- Roman’s thrown onto the kickoff panel table, huge punches from AJ
- Reigns throws AJ onto the kickoff table
- ROMAN SUCKS chants he takes a kick from AJ and then a Phenomenal Forearm
- I’m literally chanting ‘please lose’ under my breath, and I actually LIKE the man and have defended his wrestling ability
- Roman throws a big punch and then a headbutt as they head back towards the ring, AJ with a big handful of Roman’s hair as he throws him into the ring post
- AJ takes the padding off the barricades and slams Roman’s head into it, then starts pulling up the matting at ringside
- AJ sets up for the Styles Clash on the concrete – okay, that would be fucking dangerous, that moves is NOT friendly – and Roman fights free
- Roman destroys the… German? Announce table, and gets AJ up on his shoulders, AJ gets his feet on the table and punches Roman in the face instead
- I’d pay good money to punch Roman Reigns in the face
- Styles sets up for the Styles Clash on the announce table, but Roman throws him aside and into the barricades, sending him toppling over
- Massive back body drop that AJ runs into, huge height, and AJ slams into the English announce table, hard, collapsing it
- YOU STILL SUCK chants, because, yeah, that was AJ’s sell, not Roman’s strength
- Roman drags AJ into the ring and pins him for two, AJ kicking out
- Roman lifts AJ high, just holding him in cruciform before a sit out powerbomb, but AJ still kicks out at two and a half
- Roman cocks his fist like a fool, and AJ takes a shoulder tackles, and Roman’s suddenly over on the ground, writhing with little acting ability about a buckled knee. No, we saw a buckled knee, and Seth got up and finished the fucking match
- Suplex from Styles, shoving Reigns into the corner, and Roman rolls out of the ring
- “That buckled knee takes out almost all of Roman’s offense.” That’s because he’s shit and has a tiny moveset
- Reigns lifts AJ for a third time, and throws Styles through the Spanish announce table after bouncing off the apron and the barricade
- “How is Roman Reigns still standing?” Because he can’t fucking sell to save his life, that’s how
- Roman pulls the table debris around, forgetting to limp for a minute before roaring and RUNNING to speak AJ, who dodges
- Roman lies limp at ringside, having speared a barricade and knocked it over
- Styles groggily gets to his feet and I’m just thinking ‘can you fucking pin him, please?’
- AJ STYLES chants vs. ROMAN REIGNS chants, and honestly? I wouldn’t bother chanting for him right now, I don’t know who is
- Roman back in the ring, Styles up to the top rope for a Phenomenal Forearm, and Reigns catches him with a Superman Punch
- AJ bounces off the apron and rolls to the floor
- I CAME TO SEE ROMAN LOSE sign. All of us did, man with sign, all of us did
- Spear from Reigns, AJ flat at ringside, Roman rolls him back into the ring
- Anderson and Gallows show up for Boot of Doom on Roman, and set AJ up for the pin – AND ROMAN STILL GETS A FUCKING SHOULDER UP?
- The Usos are here, superkick to Gallows and Anderson, then to Styles, too, before a splash to AJ
- The Usos show Roman where to point himself, and get him to pin AJ, but AJ manages to kick out, thank fuck
- The four stooges carry on fighting outside the ring, Roman gives a Superman Punch to Gallows and Snderson each
- Reigns goes for the spear, but AJ dodges, and sets up for the Styles Clash
- Styles Clash hits, pin for two, and I just SCREAMED in frustration at Roman kicking out
- AJ brings in the chair, and sets Roman up for the Styles Clash on the chair, but Roman lifts him clear and drops him hard on the chair
- BOOS from the crowd
- Roman goes for the Superman Punch, walks into a Pele kick
- AJ hits the Styles Clash on the chair, the Usos grab AJ by the boots and drag him away, but he gets back to it, and pins Roman for one… two – FUCK ME ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
- Aj lifts the chair high and batters Roman until the Usos climb in, and then he smashes it into them, too, until they roll clear of the ring
- AJ throws the chair aside with a clatter, and then climbs outside the ring, going for the Phenomenal Forearm, but Roman’s ready, and catches him with a spear
- Roman pins him for the win and there are seriously people still cheering this? Really?
The sad thing is? It was a really good match, it was tense, I was involved and invested, I wanted to know what was going to happen, I was excited, but the problem is that I’m just SO bored of Roman that –
SETH IS HERE
SETH IS HERE
THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER
SETH IS HERE
FUCKING STANDING OVATION as Seth comes in and Pedigrees Roman to the ground, and lifts HIS TITLE. It’s still his fucking title, guys, and the HOLY SHIT chant was is well-deserved. The screams of the women, the roar of the crowd, and I just BIT MY FINGERS and still screamed loud enough to wake my wife, because… oh my GOD.
So, I finished out my birthday PPV weeping and shaking, because the Champ is back, guys, Seth is fucking back and I’m so damn happy I want to cry my fucking eyes out and never stop. Oh, Seth. Well, NOW who’s excited for Raw?