GAYWATCH: 6th – 13th May ’16

Apologies for the delay, my darlings, and this one will be a short session, as I appear to be feeling distinctly unfabulous this week. I can’t think what is happening, but we shall be sure to remedy it for next week. Without further ado – Gaywatch!

We’re starting with Baron Corbin – gosh, what a hunk! – and Dolph Ziggler, who appear to be playing out a sexy little grudge match in the ring. Corbin insists he doesn’t care about anything or anyone but himself, which seems a teensy bit like he’s trying too hard to convince himself. I don’t blame you, darling… really, Dolph, brunette? It doesn’t suit you, sweetheart, go back to being blonde and fabulous. It’s a hell of an upkeep, and I should know, but more than worth it to make sure you go back to looking like a total babe. Anyway, tall and tattooed seems to have his eye on Dolph’s body, but I’m not sure he’s interested in a relationship right now. Probably best to just fuck and run, Dolph – but then, I’ve heard that wolves mate for life.

Chris Jericho appears to have given up on taunting AJ Styles – who has bigger, more gorgeous worries on his mind in the form of Roman Reigns – to try and dom the hell out of Dean Ambrose. Now, we know Dean liked to go down for Roman, who seems to be ignoring him at the moment, but Jericho’s a little meaner than Roman, a little sharper. Maybe that’s what Dean needs right now, after Brock Lesnar turned out to be such a dull, boring dom at WrestleMania. Honestly, we were all disappointed, but just think about poor Dean and his needs not being met. Poor darling. So Dean and Jericho are trading destroying important things to each other, which is always the start of a good power struggle – Dean might go down easy for Roman, but he’ll put up a hell of a fight for anyone else, it seems! He looks so good in jericho’s clothes, though, doesn’t he?

Meanwhile, Jericho also seems to be angering Big Cass – and we all know how the man got THAT nickname, bada boom – who seems a little lost without his tiny, yapping boyfriend on his side. With Enzo out injured, Big Cass is on his own, and Jericho is seeking to take advantage of that. However, their recent confrontation left Jericho the one quavering under Colin’s gaze, rather than the other way round. Perhaps this is what Jericho really needs – a big, strong, firm hand to take him down and keep him there, where he can’t come up with any more ridiculous catchphrases or violently purple shorts. Maybe we’ve been watching a man try to be a dom when, really, what he wants is to be ridden hard and put away wet, and Big Cass is just the man to do that!

In the battle of the well-groomed vs. the lumbersexuals, a sweet little foursome seems to be brewing lately. Obviously we all known that Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens used to be a thing, and then add in that The Miz is holding a shiny piece of gold that Kevin wants, it’s no surprise the big bear has his sights set on the A-Lister. However, the addition of Swiss superman Cesaro is new and interesting, giving us two gentlemen who take time and effort on their appearance, and two who distinctly don’t. They’ve been dallying around each other all week, and as much as we all wish Sami and Kevin could just bury the hatchet, maybe some group sex could loosen Kevin up a little bit, and give Sami a chance to show his Murderbear how much he loves him. In the meantime, Cesaro’s flexible, and The Miz has a hell of a mouth, so we’re told, so perhaps these sleek, well-groomed boys can get the fuzzy lovers back on the right track. We’ll have to see what happens at Extreme Rules – darlings, I can barely contain myself!

But our kay-fabulous main event this week has to be the stunning Tyler Breeze shacking himself up with someone new! R-Truth and Goldust have been toying with each other for weeks, and one of the ways they’ve been doing this is by taking on new boyfriends. Goldust picked up Fandango, and  R-Truth somehow managed to score himself the exquisite Tyler Breeze, leaving both men with a squeeze on their arm more attractive than their original lover by quite some margin. However, this all came to a head this week when Fandango looked across the ring and his eyes met that of Tyler Breeze, model and heartthrob extraordinaire, and decided he’d betray Goldust for a piece of that sweet ass. This left Goldie and Truth to have a cuddle in the middle of the ring, but more importantly, gave us a new sexy power couple – Fandango and Tyler! Tyler’s clearly in for quite a treat, with the way that man can roll his hips, and Fandango will be topping the sleekest, sexiest twink since Tyler Black left Ring of Honor. Fandango seems to know what he’s got his hands on – let’s hope he appreciates Tyler properly!

Well, that’s our week, my darlings. We’ll be back soon with a new recap of all the homosocial sexual dalliances of our favourite well-muscled men, but until then… keep it kay-fabulous!

(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions herein are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)