Vince McMahon, the head of WWE (the King, or God’s Chosen Emperor, if you will), is the patriarch of all he surveys. We are all his puppets, and we dance at his bidding. Nothing the WWE Universe does is done without Vince behind the scenes, pulling the strings. We boo at his command, cheer for CM Punk at his command. In fact, I’m sure he set off the sequence of events that led to me writing this article, including killing my grandpa thirteen years ago, and playing a minor role in my conception twenty-one years ago.
Forty-six years ago, he removed one of his ribs, creating Shane, his son. Shane however did not seem to inherit his father’s all-knowing brain, and has been cast off as a disappointment. But it seems all his power went into dancing, as he has been known to dance like he hasn’t fathered three sons.
Vince tried again, this time producing Stephanie, a more rightful heir to the All Powerful VKM.
Basically the incarnation of a goddess, Stephanie had to hold back her powers. She came in through the humble beginnings of a t-shirt model, the perfect way to remain unassuming, lowering the guard of those around her, and slowly rose through the ranks, fooling all, even her future husband, Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley (let’s call him Triple H for short), believed that he was tricking Stephanie into marrying him when in actuality it was her ‘drugging’ him with her irresistible godliness. Steph ‘hammering’ Triple H on a regular basis allowed him to believe he was Stephanie’s equal, something he still believes on a regular basis. If anything, he is Stephanie’s guard dog, almost her own personal Cerberus (with three H’s instead of three heads).
Then came the day Shane threw it all away. No one knows for sure why he left. Jealous of his sister’s beauty and perfection perhaps. Maybe he was tired of being under Vince’s thumb and wanted to see the world (silly Shane, there is no world outside of WWE).
As Stephanie continued to grow in power, she knew she would need some muscle to back her up. She gathered a group to keep power in her control, known as The Authority. They became her shield, doing all the fighting and dirty work, as she watched over. Sure, they were challenged multiple times, even witnessed a couple of betrayals, but it seemed they were always powerful enough to overcome it. Stephanie would send her men out again and again and they would always rise victorious.
But like all prodigal sons, Shane had to come back eventually. He chose a moment when Vince and Stephanie were at their most vulnerable, dancing his way back into our hearts. The red on his shoes represented the blood of his family, a tie that is thicker than water.
He arrived demanding power from the almighty Vince. Vince decided to test Shane. See if he was strong enough to lead. To do this, he challenged Shane to take on the ultimate demon: Finn Ba- oh, not him? Kane- what? No? Undertaker? Oh, right, okay then. I mean I thought he was an undead undertaker wizard, not a demon… but whatever.
Anyway, if Shane won, he would be in charge of RAW instead of Stephanie. If he lost, then he’d go back to the shame car, never to be seen again.
He lost. After an amazing match with the Undertaker, Shane just couldn’t defeat the best. Two warriors fought but only one could win. The ground shook, the earth stood still for just a second. Truly, as Shane walked away, defeated, he would go down in history as one of the greatest, quietly going into retirement to raise his children.
The next night on RAW, Shane was put in charge for One Night Only (for the next three weeks). No one knows why, but who are we to question Vince, our almighty God King.
In fact, Shane was put in charge of RAW with his sister Stephanie.
Obviously this was all part of Vince’s Master Plan. A plan so devious and ingenious, that no human could truly figure out what purpose it served or even how it was carried out. Where it will lead only Vince knows. Vince always knows.
(Disclaimer: Sora is fully aware that Vince McMahon isn’t God. No, the only God we mortals could ever have is JOHN CENA. HUSTLE. LOYALTY. RESPECT. HUSTLE. LOYALTY. RESPECT. THESE ARE THE PILLARS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR HAS TAUGHT US. ALL HAIL THE ONE WE CANNOT SEE.)