Gaywatch

GAYWATCH: Seth Rollins

Ah, my darlings, what a week it’s been. We’ve got a special treat for you, because someone’s got a big birthday coming up, and so our researchers have been busying their sweet little behinds on making sure this Gaywatch celebrates a very, very dirty thirty years of Seth freaking Rollins. So, lie back and think of Iowa, darlings – we’re going on a career tour of his boyfriends and bendiest moments. Well, the writer herself does share this birthday month – I thought I’d give myself a little present.

Those of you who follow us on a regular basis will know that I usually start off a Gaywatch with a gif of the illustrious – the key syllable there being lust – Dalton Castle, but in the case of Seth Rollins? I think that’s unnecessary.

Starting in 2005 as a little twink with great ambitions, Seth began work as Tyler Black – there’s a Harry Potter fanfiction OC right there, and you don’t even have to look closely for it – with buddy Marek Brave. But let’s face it, if you wanted info you could grab off wikipedia, you’d go there, not here… let’s see some pictures.

Yes, my darlings, your kayfabulous writer has brought you an ass we know better as more defined, well-muscled, and with slightly more coverage. Tyler also took Marek Brave with him on this particular misadventure – or perhaps it was Marek who thought Tyler would do well on all fours with another man on top of him, who knows – and goodness me, what a show. Sure, don’t expect wrestling; this isn’t about that, but we challenge you not to be alternately amused and aroused when you google the videos later. And we know you will.

Leaving aside Tyler’s first boyfriend – yes, that’s Marek there in the red, looking remarkably calm for the view he’s getting – and moving on to later lovers, in Ring of Honor. Tyler Black tagged with Jimmy Jacobs in a tag team where the gimmick was apparently ’emo’, but seemed more to be ‘Tyler Black is hot, did you know Tyler Black is hot?’ and, well… that was a pretty strong gimmick. For those of you not aware of Jimmy Jacobs, I say for shame. A man who called himself the zombie princess and who tweets dick jokes at former tag partners is a man worth knowing, quite aside from being a darling human being, by all accounts, and a master in the ring – and now writing for WWE. (Jimmy, call me!)

Two gorgeous, long-haired, eyeliner-smeared men as a tag team? Well, dear readers, you’d best believe our researchers found a lot of smouldering footage that kept us busy for a good few weeks. As much as Tyler’s gimmick on his own was certainly ‘I’m hot, did you know I’m hot’, it was hard to miss the undertones of the two of them working together, Jimmy looking beyond pleased by his young, sleek partner. Introducing him as ‘this is Tyler Black, and he’s young, jacked and hot’ was a little bit of a giveaway, but it’s hard to think that either one wanted to keep their relationship a secret. After all, that’s the sort of information you’d find on a grindr profile these days, and the way Jimmy used to wander out, waving his phone at the audience, seemed to suggest he was bragging about having Tyler’s number. Well, as if we’d kick either of those two pretty boys out of bed!

Moving on to when Tyler Black became Seth Rollins, we fast-forward to FCW, which is where the first stirrings of that gorgeous threesome The Shield came into being. The newly titled Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose seemed to have no little ring chemistry, and that’s always made us wonder what happened back in the locker room, whether that chemistry spilled over and sexual adrenaline took over from ring adrenaline. I suppose we’ll never know, until one or both writes a tell-all book at the end of their career, but until then, at least we have Seth trying his best to get Dean all distracted with the same trick he used to use on Marek. For shame, darling, when you get a new boyfriend, you’re meant to learn new moves!

Sticking with Dean Ambrose turned out to be a theme for a few years before FCW became NXT, and NXT gave way to the big leagues for Seth. It’s hard to believe he ever doubted he’d get there, and we can see there was no limit on how much he was willing to bend over, or the tiny trunks he was willing to wear in order to make it happen. Bleaching a streak of his hair to make him stand out wasn’t out of the question, either. Coming up the main roster with Dean Ambrose and the addition of the smouldering Roman Reigns, the three of them were a perfect answer for the drought of good-looking, talented men we’d all been salivating for.

Of course, we know how things go, and relationships always seem to fall apart just when you need them the most. Seth turned his back on his Shield boyfriends, possibly sick of sharing, maybe just tired of always having to be the hottest one in any given group. This led to a lot of in-ring and backstage fights with Dean – Roman seemed to stay out of most of it, clearly he was just happy to have Dean to himself – over the way their relationship had ended. Seth let him get away with a few grabs here and there, but clearly the love was over between them. Seth had his heart set on something better than a boyfriend – a title.

Cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase at WrestleMania 31 predictably changed the way Seth went about relationships, and it seemed like he might be destined to be single forever. With the WWE World Heavyweight Championship on his shoulder, he might have been lonely, without friend, or brother, or lover, but he was what he’s always been, throughout incarnations, name changes and body types – a champion. They always say there’s nothing more attractive than a man when he’s winning, and with Seth, that proved to be true. The crowd loved him, and while it might have been strange for old boyfriends to look back and think of him on his knees when he was riding so high, I’ve little doubt that they did. When he took the United States Championship off John Cena, too, it cemented him as not just a pretty face – but a talent worthy of attention beyond glazed eyes and pants being adjusted.

As we write, Seth’s knee injury he suffered in November 2015 is healing up, and the rumours are that he’ll be ready for SummerSlam this year, a chance to come back renewed and refreshed – but hopefully no less gorgeous, no less prone to shaking his ass for us, or more likely to wear a shirt. Thank you, Seth – and to everyone else? Remember to keep it kay-fabulous, darlings. We’ll see you next week.

(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions herein are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)

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