The Granddaddy of Them All is upon us!!!! As WrestleMania 32 (perhaps better known as WrestleMania ★) descends upon us, we begin the traditional lowering of standards that makes WWE events palatable. Without further ado, I take you to our official predictions.
Kalisto vs. Ryback for the US Title
Hahaha, remember when John Cena was US Champion, and we were all salty that the US Championship was suddenly more important that the WWE Heavyweight Championship, because it made it seem like John Cena was the only thing in the company that mattered? And we tried to convince ourselves that a young talent would beat John Cena clean in his open challenge and keep the US Title strong? Remember when we had hope in our eyes and love in our hearts???
Anyway, it looks like they’re gearing up for a big Ryback heel push and there is clearly zero backstage interest in giving Kalisto a proper title reign, so I say Ryback goes over. After all, why would we want to watch a dynamic lucha underdog when we could see steroid guy stumble through half-baked promos about movies he hasn’t seen?
Prediction: Ryback wins
The Total Divas (Brie Bella, Paige, Natalya, Alicia Fox and Eva Marie) vs. B.A.D. & Blonde (Lana, Summer Rae, Naomi, Emma and Tamina)
The traditional Throw Everyone Not In A Match Into A Huge Tag So That They Get On The Card event. I know that some of us were salty about this being on the pre-show, but just try to remember that two women’s matches are a huge step up from the zero we ended up with only a couple years ago.
There’s been basically no story heading into this match and I personally have no idea when or why these teams even formed. When there’s no clear direction, logic usually dictates that the babyfaces go over, but B.A.D. & Blonde have the most heat going in, so they might run away with it. Since the only plot point we really have is “Everybody hates Eva Marie,” maybe she’ll cost her team the victory to set something up. Or she’ll get the pinfall, who even knows anymore.
Prediction: B.A.D. & Blonde for the win
The Usos (Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso) vs. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley)
This is just sad, huh? The Slammy Award winning tag team of the year and the legends shuffled into a meaningless tag match. I guess they’ve maybe been feuding or something? I don’t know, I have this condition where my brain shuts off whenever the Usos start doing things, it’s pretty debilitating.
I’ll give this one to the Dudleys, because it seemed like they were gearing up for a big heel run awhile back and God knows they need some main event heels. The real question is, will D-Von get the tables???
Prediction: The Dudley Boyz. Not the audience, probably.
Kevin Owens © vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder vs. Sin Cara vs. The Miz vs. Stardust for the Intercontinental Title
Remember last year when the big joke was that the Intercontinental Title picture was a collection of people who deserved better, and R-Truth? This year the theme is, a bunch of people that it’s kind of shocking that they’re even on the card, and Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn.
I, personally, will be cheering for my boy Stardust to pull off the upset victory, or at least bring back the Exo-Atmospheric StarBird. Realistically, I can’t see anyone but KO or Sami walking away with the title. Dolph’s time seems to have well and truly passed, Zack Ryder’s never came, Sin Cara is saddled with a cursed mask, The Miz is too valuable as a joke and heat magnet to move to another spot, and Stardust is a flawless cinnamon bun, too good for this world, too precious to hold the belt the Cody Rhodes returned to its old design to try and reclaim some of its prestige, no I’m not bitter.
The smart money here is that Sami walks away with the title, setting up a feud with Kevin, so I’m going to vote that Zack gets it. Think about it – Sami about to claim the best, sticking it to his rival, when Kevin sabotages him, unwittingly leaving the path open for Zack to snatch the belt up. Then Sami and Kevin are left without a convenient excuse to feud, letting the WWE drag it out more and set up the big blow off for next year’s WrestleMania.
Prediction: Zack Ryder gets it. Hope is the most enduring part of the human condition.
AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho
AJ Styles and Chris Jericho have now wrestled so many times that we’ve run out of numbers to count their matches. As we speak, mathematicians are scrambling to calculate, or at least approximate, some way to represent this amount. As the limit approaches infinity, the sun grows cold and the clouds roll in. Time moves in fits and starts, wrenched from the structure that lent it meaning. We live and we love and we die, and one day, our children’s children’s children will cradle their Y2AJ shirts in their hands, and wonder how it all went so wrong.
Chris Jericho puts over young talent, because that’s what he’s here for. Chris and AJ shake hands, then never make eye contact with each other again.
Prediction: AJ Styles walks away with the victory
André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
As I write this, the announced participants are Heath Slater, Curtis Axel, Adam Rose, Bo Dallas, Big Show, Kane, Tyler Breeze, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Fandango, Damien Sandow, Darren Young, Konnor, Viktor, Goldust and R-Truth, although there have been rumblings that the whole Wyatt family might show up in it. I expect the Social Outcasts to do something great and maybe have some kind of break-up spot. Big Show will be very tall and it will be difficult to eliminate him, but I don’t see him winning twice in a row. He and Kane will probably turn on each other for the one-millionth time, to the shock and delight of the crowd.
This one is actually pretty hard to call. If Braun Strowman is in there, he could take it, because he needs all the monster cred he can get. It’s been well established at this point that the winner of this battle royal just loses constantly for the rest of the year, so Tyler Breeze could take it. Hell, maybe they’ll give it to Damien Sandow, just to keep up their habit of always being too late on everything.
Prediction: Braun Strowman. Did you know that he is quite large?
The New Day (Kofi Kingston, Big E and Xavier Woods) vs. The League of Nations (King Barrett, Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio and Rusev)
This is a case of tropes colliding. WWE logic dictates that in a handicap match, the disadvantaged team should always, always win, but this match was changed on the fly from a title match to a match “for dominance,” which would indicate that the champions are going to lose. Plus, the New Day will be at a disadvantage with Xavier forced to wrestle instead of buffing them from the outside.
Ultimately, I’m going to hope for some story structure here. The League of Nations have beat the life out of the New Day waaaay too many times lately and the New Day are due for some revenge. Their secret fourth member, Francesca, will be the key to victory.
Prediction: New! Day wins!
Charlotte © (with Ric Flair) vs. Becky Lynch vs. Sasha Banks for the new Women’s Championship
The Women’s Title is back, baby! Word on the street is that the winner of this match will get the revived Women’s Title, rather than the embarrassing Diva’s “Butterfly Belt.” I am ecstatic! This situation begs for a title change, so no matter who wins here, Charlotte loses.
Old Man Ric Flair has been able to run roughshod over the division for far to long, so I say that ends tonight. He tries some of that bs on the Boss and she is going to lay him OUT. My ideal scenario is Sasha taking out Ric, and while she’s distracted, Becky gets the pin on Charlotte. Becky has really been carrying this revolution for quite some time and as the most over pure babyface in the division, she’s a great choice for the inaugural Women’s Champion. Plus, Sasha makes a great challenger.
Prediction: Becky as the new champion
Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman)
Deep breathe. Okay. Stay with me here. I think that Dean is going over.
Hear me out! The whole point of building up Brock as this unbeatable beast was so that someone could eventually beat him, right? Roman was supposed to do it last year but, ya know, some stuff happened. The only reason to have a monster heel like Brock to mint a main event babyface who eventually stops him cold. What’s the point of Dean being blessed by the ghosts of hardcore legends past if he’s not going to finally literally murder Brock Lesnar in the ring? And what are they even going to do with Brock if he stays undefeated? Eventually, they’re going to run out of people to feed him at network events, and then where will we be?
People have argued that as long as Dean puts on a good match, it’ll make his career, but I don’t know about that. Dean can only look great in so many losses before people start to give up on him. Plus, what better way to set up inevitable Dean vs. Roman feud than by having Dean slay that beast that Roman couldn’t and didn’t?
Prediction: Dean literally murders Brock with a chainsaw and pins the bloody pieces
Triple H vs. Roman Reigns for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
… I mean, Roman HAS to win this, right? Unless, I don’t know, Triple H wins, but then Shane wins later in the night, and on Monday he just strips Hunter of the title and gives it to Roman or something. Seth runs in with a handmade Money in the Bank briefcase full of dildos. The title belt just turns into doves and flies away.
Yeah, Roman’s going over. God willing, we’ll get a heel turn on Monday night, but I think they’ll play this one straight. Roman beats up his cheating heel boss, the production team mutes the deafening boos, and we clean up the mess later.
Prediction: Roman wins. Vince McMahon cries a single, perfect tear
Shane McMahon vs. The Undertaker in Hell in a Cell, Control of Raw vs. WrestleMania Career
Scuttlebutt is that this match is going on last, so I’ll put it here. The stipulation is that if Shane wins, he gets control of Raw and the Undertaker will never perform at WrestleMania again, and if the Undertaker wins, nothing happens and this was all an exercise in futility. I don’t know; this doesn’t seem built up enough to be the Undertaker’s retirement match, but it would also be a suuuuper bad idea to have the culmination of this whole angle be absolutely nothing happening. Whoever wins, I would expect the shenanigans to be off the charts. Just, so many shenanigans. If Hornswoggle does a run-in, I will be only minutely surprised.
What I want in my heart to happen is for Shane to win and become a completely inept face general manager, and hand control to Roman, who is corrupted by power and falls back into his Evil Smug Businessman gimmick. I think that profound disappointment is probably the most likely outcome, though. Ah, screw it. I just gotta follow my heart.
Prediction: Shane McMahon wins. The Thoroughbred Roman Reigns returns to us at last.