Welcome, everybody, to Jax Snax and your very own Thursday Night SnaxDown! Brought to you by Holy Shit WrestleMania Is This Sunday! Oh my gosh, I’m not sure my body is ready at all, but I hope all our wrassler friends are ready. Mostly because I don’t think we can afford more injuries.
Heath Slater vs AJ Styles, aka Crimson Werewolf vs Jericho’s Ex
We start out with good ol’ AJ Styles marching out happily, and apparently it looks like Mauro Ranallo’s stuck with Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler without Byron Saxton there to buffer King’s heelish antics. How dare you pick on Mauro’s lovely suit, dude. The #SOCIALOUTCASTS are IN DA HOUSE, though, so who can really stay angry? They call AJ the ‘phenomenal one,’ but these boys are the ‘phenomenal four’ according to literal ray of sunshine blistering all on purpose Bo Dallas. I am highly distracted, however, because Rose called Heathy baby ‘crimson werewolf’ and Heath replied with ‘my little radical mongoose’ so Heath/Rose is canon, y’all! MY SHIP LIVES.
This match is AJ versus Heathy, but Heath’s family is already getting jittery outside the ring. Let’s see how this pans out…
- Heath is legit putting up a good fight here, and I am so freaking pleased you have NO IDEA.
- Axel interference on the outside while crawling like a crab, bless him.
- Heath struts down the steps like a boss and promptly slams AJ’s head against said steps. Daaaaaang, yo.
- Heath is keeping AJ grounded, as AJ’s style is high flying. Seems to be working so far!
- Not sure if those boos for Heath are piped in, since the Outcasts seem genuinely entertaining; I assume any boos are more for AJ getting tossed around, not so much for Heath.
- Heath kicks out? Heath kicks out!
- Radical mongoose Rose gets a pele kick and gets thrown back, caught by Bo on the outside. Noooo, wilted Rose!
- Heath gets a Phenomenal Forearm, and AJ gets the pin for the win!
The poor beaten foursome crowd around Heath while AJ strikes his handsy pose in the ring, and while I’m really digging AJ, I’m still sadfacing over the outcasts’ loss. Here’s hoping Heathy and Rose get in a good cuddle later.
There’s a hello from Renee Young and Byron Saxton, who are coming to us live from AT&T Stadium, the site of WrestleMania, and Renee has an ugly jacket, but her hair’s in a cute bun so it balances out. Byron looks adorable, but I’m the president of the Byron Saxton Fanclub Universe (or BS FU, if you will), so take that with a grain of salt. Byron is an excited puppy about ‘Mania, but especially about the Shane/Taker match, and we watch that promo video for it for the millionth time this week.
Eventually we get information about Foley on Stone Cold’s podcast, NXTakeover, the Hall of Fame inductions, and all the rest of the stuff going on during the next few days and WrestleMania weekend. So many things. Tonight, though, there’s Dean Ambrose versus Erick Rowan! Because can never have enough of Dean. And Jey Uso versus D’Von Dudley! Because something something Samoan pride, I don’t know.
After we return from a commercial break, the lovely Renee and adorable Byron now talk about the Dean/Lesnar match, and they run the promo vid for that. I’m starting to think the #SOCIALOUTCASTS and AJ Styles were the only ones available for a SmackDown match this week. Renee lets us know that there’s a two-hour pre-show for ‘Mania starting at 5PM Eastern, and this includes the 10-diva match as well as the Usos versus the Dudley Boyz. Honestly, I’ll be watching the pre-show just for the divas match. I mean, who doesn’t want to see Eva Marie get destroyed by Emma? And Lana’s gonna lob barefoot kicks at every head she sees, so really, this will be the epitome of entertainment for me.
Another commercial break nets us more of cuties Renee and Byron, and then we get treated to a recap of what went on between Triple H and Roman Reigns on this week’s Raw. And when I say ‘treated’ I mean ‘are we even going to have another match tonight or is this literally going to be a recap SmackDown?’ Recapping a recap just seems redundant to me, I’m just saying.
Yet another commercial, followed by a whole thing about Snoop…
And yet another commercial… and more ‘Mania reminders…
Okay, finally, a match! Oh. Oh god no. Dammit!
Jey Uso vs D’Von Dudley, aka Zzzzzz vs Z’zzzzz
Why. Why do I have to see this. …Oh yeah, because everyone else is probably already in Texas. Welp.
The Usos bounce their way into the ring, and their perpetual excitement and energy make me really, really wish they were interesting and fun to watch during a match. The Dudleyz make their entrance next, and there’s a similar feeling with these guys as well. I always know exactly what I’m going to see in the ring with both groups — sometimes from spot to spot, even — so every match feels like the same match. I get no excitement from that, no matter how much the Usos hop around or how often the Dudz trash talk in the ring.
The bell rings, and…
- D’Von gets so many body shots from Jey almost immediately.
- Jimmy all “ohhh SNAP” outside the ring after D’Von gets dumped over the rope, tee hee.
- Jey runs straight into the steel ring post, which just makes him look slow as fudge considering how D’Von seemed to take his time dodging.
- D’Von’s got full control now, and Jey’s on the floor in fetal position while D’Von’s foot goes to town on him. Oww.
- Scoop and slam, leaving Jey on the floor damn near lifeless…
- WAZZAAAAAAAAP– missed! Jumping forearms to D’Von! Samoan drop!
- “Ever since I saw their family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.” – King, 2016
- Bubba attempts to start a D’Von chant but the crowd ain’t havin’ that, LOL.
- D’Von with the reversal at the corner! D’Von with the Ron Simmons tribute, the RDS! Pin for the win, D’Von wins!
That was so boring, y’all. I wanted to be into it, I really did, okay? The Dudz yell at the Usos while stomping back up the ramp, promising to give them some kind of beatdown at ‘Mania. “Oh, my brotha, testify!” Man, I hate when I fall asleep in church.
Back from a commercial, Renee tells us about this fabled Divas Revolution, and we actually get a great video package about it, to the tune of Demi Lovato’s “Confident.” It highlights Becky, Sasha, and Charlotte, and their rise from main roster newbies to contenders and holder of the Divas title. It’s pretty cool, and I think this is the match I’m looking forward to the most. That and getting to yell at my screen while me and my friends watch. So really, I guess the Divas Revolution is the friends we made along the way! (Don’t tell that to Becky, though.)
After yet another commercial break, I’m pretty sure they’re repeating the Trips/Roman promo vid. Guess they have to fill this two hour space somehow, but c’mon, gimme my damn Dean already! Bad enough I gotta wait forever for Crossfit Jesus to heal up. Sheesh.
Dean Ambrose vs Erick Rowan, aka Chainsaw McGee vs Baa Baa White Sheep
Good ol’ Deano shimmies his way into the ring. Next, Bray sends off one of his dutiful followers down the ramp, Happy Sheepy Boy (as opposed to Angry Sheepy Boy Strowman, y’see), and it looks almost as if Bray’s sending one of his kids to school. Have fun, Erick! Try not to bodyslam the teacher! There’s a replay of last SmackDown’s events where Brock F5’d Dean, before we return to Erick and Dean circling each other warily, possibly fighting for the last pudding cup at recess. The bell rings, and…
- ‘Ambrose’ chants immediately start up, though I can’t tell if that’s real or piped-in as usual.
- Dat ‘Let’s Go Ambrose’ chant is real, though! I see the crowd doing the clapping.
- Erick’s controlling the match so far. Big hits, big drops, big pain.
- Running lariat off the apron onto Erick on the outside! POW.
- Deano attempts a crossbody but gets caught and slammed. Ambrose, more like Ambr-ow.
- Another ‘Let’s Go Ambrose’ chant while Erick tries to ram his fingers up Dean’s nose. Gross, Erick. Gross.
- Headlock on Dean, and Erick’s beard rests lightly on his head, like a dainty little hat. Tee hee.
- Pendulum Backbreaker, making them look like a slightly more violent reenactment of Michelangelo’s Pietà.
- More fingers up Deano’s nose. There is no gold there, buddy, you can stop now!
- Jesus, that chop from Erick sounded hard. Ow ow ow.
- Deano attempts to run at Erick! And gets a boot to the face. Womp womp.
- Headlocks for daaaaaays, and then Erick attempts to pop Deano’s head like a pimple, according to King. Jeez, dude!
- Crossbody finally works! But no followup. More womp womp.
- Erick gets him draped onto the corner ropes and chop chop chop chop…
- Erick on the top rope, but Deano scrambles up and manages to get off a damn SUPERPLEX! Cue impish grin on Dean. Mweh heh heh.
- “This is where he’s going to another place,” says King, and I wonder if he’s just mixed up his supposedly-unbalanced wrestlers for a second there — at least until he follows that up with, “He’s going deep into that insane asylum here!”
- Dropkicks Erick RIGHT outta the ring, then follows with a launch through the ropes, hurling Erick into the barricade!
- Punch vs punch, Dean somehow wins that battle! Dean on the top rope, and Erick gets up in time for a flying elbow, POW. Just a two count, unfortunately.
- Lunatic lariat reversed into an Uranage Slam for a two count!
- Spinning heel kick by Erick, for another two count! But Dean is still alive. Dean is the most resilient cockroach on the roster, I swear.
- Dean slaps Erick in the face because he’s a sassy lil thang, then finally gets off a Lunatic Lariat.
- SOMEHOW Dean gets in a Dirty Deeds! PIN FOR THE WIN! Deano wins!
SmackDown ends with Mauro and King commenting that Dean’s Lunatic Lariat was a good setup for his pièce de résistance, the Dirty Deeds, and that perhaps — perhaps! — Dean has a chance, however slim, to take this sort of strategy into his match with Lesnar on Sunday. Dean stands on the ropes and gestures at the WrestleMania sign, and I can’t help but grin at the imagery. Maybe it’s because he’s my current favorite on the active roster, but I really, really want him to win. Let’s Go, Ambrose! (Insert clapping here.)