raw · Rehash

Rehash: Raw 28th March ’16

Welcome, everybody, and– oh shit, UNDERTAKER GONG. This is certainly the right way to start the go home Raw, innit? Anyway, this is Jax filling in for Steph tonight, and excuse me while I mark the hell out because UNDERTAKER, MY UNDEAD LIGHTNING WIZARD WRASSLIN DAD. Also excuse my sloppiness, as I am definitely not used to recapping a live three-hour show. I don’t know how Steph does it. Secretly, I think she is also a wizard.

Segment: Undertaker & Shane McMahon, aka Dead Man Walkin’ & Sneakers McGee

Anyway, Undertaker looks like he got a haircut that he doesn’t like, what with how he keeps that hat on almost all the dang time. He also looks like he’s Hella Tired Of This Shit. The crowd certainly isn’t tired of it at all, because who the hell doesn’t mark out for this man? He’s kind of evolved past face/heel dynamics and is more a force of nature. We’re reminded that, curiously, Vince can totally fire this undead lightning wizard should he lose against Shane in their ‘Mania match, and I have to wonder how the hell Vince thinks he’s gonna… do that. Heck, Vince can’t even call him a bitch without Taker going for a chokeslam. Poor deluded Vince.

The ‘UN-DER-TAKE-ER’ chants start up, and it takes a moment for the Deadman to speak. “This WrestleMania will not be my last,” he drawls out, and Yes chants start up, because if anyone’s gonna get Yes chants aside from DBry, it would be Taker. The Deadman talks about a lot — about Shane, about Vince, about blood on everyone’s hands, including his own — and then goes on to say that ‘Mania is his yard, and Hell in a Cell is his house. My brother sitting next to me says, in Taker’s voice, “And the house always wins!” But instead Taker says that Shane will rest… in… pea–

Here comes the moneeeeey! Shane shuffles his way out, looking spry and lovely as usual. Taker looks… almost amused. Almost. Y’know, in his undead sort of way. Shane stays on the ramp, while a now stripped-and-ready-for-battle Taker stalks the ring. Shane is the change this company needs, he says, and he gets Yes chants as well, which I am entirely okay with. The WWE fans deserve better, and Shane is ready to cement his own legacy by destroying Taker’s. Taker basically pulls an ‘old man yells at kid to get off his lawn’ moment, saying Shane isn’t even allowed to talk about his legacy. Shane decides this is the best moment to stomp down the ramp and enter the ring, to a crowd chanting ‘HOLY SHIT’.

Shane reminds Taker that, two years ago, Taker’s legacy died. HO-LEE SHIT. The Suplex City chants start up now, and Taker looks a leetle bit pissed. Leeeeeetle bit. “You’re just like your old man,” Taker says, and the crowd oohs at that, because that’s a goddamn diss if ever I heard it. But Taker goes one step further to say that Shane is HIS DADDY’S BITCH and that’s it, Shane’s on Taker with punch after punch, Taker eventually straight up hauling Shane right outta the ring.

The commentary table is stripped by Taker, and a now beaten-up Shane is dragged to the table for an attempted Last Ride, but Shane gets out! More punching from Shane! Taker’s dazed! Shane looks for a weapon, finds a toolbox, SLAMS TAKER IN THE DAMN SKULL. More than once, even! Taker’s laying on the table, and Shane rolls back into the ring, gets up on the top rope… oh my god. Shane, no, what are you thinking–

ELBOW TO TAKER FROM THE TOP ROPE! The ‘HOLY SHIT’ chants are loud now, and I’m chanting along right with them, because HOLY SHIT DUDE. Taker’s got color on him, and Shane stumbles up to a chorus of “YOU STILL GOT IT!” He stumbles away, and they show the replay of that flying elbow. Jesus, that was beautiful. But as Shane stumbles up the ramp… Taker sits up.

Taker. Is. Pissed.

Taker does that tongue-out, neck slicey thing, eyes rolling back. His gong sounds, and Shane simply points at the WrestleMania sign in response. Shit’s gonna go down on Sunday, and I for one cannot wait. I don’t even know who to root for, but I think that’s the best kind of match, y’know?

Match: Zack Ryder vs Chris Jericho; or, Bro vs Dad

When we return, there’s a lovely image of the fallen table with JBL’s hat on it, while our illustrious commentators stand there and continue to do their job like the best professionals. Very proud of you especially, Byron! A+, gold star.

Zack Ryder is in the ring, y’all, and I’m still excited. He’s got a match against AJ Styles’ disgruntled ex, Chris Jericho. Jericho also looks like he’s Tired Of This Shit, and apparently he interrupted Zack’s pre-show interview to rant about… AJ? Dude, you got issues. Get a pint of ice cream and cry it out already, yeesh! Heavily bearded Zack narrows his eyes at Jericho, and…

AJ comes out! Shirtless, even! And with a cute baseball cap. The “AJ STYLES” chants start up, as AJ calls Jericho’s bluff on not wanting a ‘Mania match against AJ. Like, seriously? You’d rather be in the damn audience? AJ insists on standing next to good ol’ Byron, arm around his shoulders as he watches this match. Jericho’s upset, which I find funny, because Jericho seems to want AJ’s attention all the dang time anyway. The bell rings, and…

  • Zack promptly takes advantage and rolls up Jericho for a two count!
  • Angry Jericho kicks Zack outta the ring and then beats him with… JBL’s hat. LOLwat.
  • Jericho yells at AJ the ENTIRE TIME and it’s hilarious.
  • Zack with a missile dropkick! Beeeeeautiful.
  • WOO, WOO, WOO– oh whoops, attempted Walls of Jericho reversal?
  • AJ with the “Y2 JACKASS!” chant, now with audience participation!
  • …ANGRY CODEBREAKER IMMEDIATELY POST-MATCH. Woo woo woo? More like ow ow ow.

Jericho then throws a goddamn tantrum, throwing things around, slamming a steel chair around, and the “Y2 JACKASS” chants continue. He attacks a camera, grabs a mic, and yells for the crowd to “SHADDUP!” The crowd continues, of course, as there’s nothing we love more than a great heel. He calls AJ a ‘stupid ass’, yells about how he kicked a hornet’s nest, and then gives AJ exactly what he wants: a match at ‘Mania. Jericho’s 12th at ‘Mania, actually. He calls tiny smirking AJ a rookie and eventually throws the mic down, stalking away with a made look in his eyes, shoving another cameraman outta the way. AJ looks so damn pleased I can’t help but be pleased FOR him. Good on you, buddy!

My only issue with this entire match is with the fact that Ryder was an afterthought. But then, he’s been an afterthought for the past few years, so I guess this match and his ‘Mania appearance is a step up, huh? Woo woo woo.

Match: Charlotte vs Becky, aka Wooo II vs Bex Express

Time for an appearance at the commentary section by the Legit Bo$$ herself, Sasha Banks. She’s here to watch Becky Lynch skip out with her smoke and goggles. Bex is here to have a match against current Divas champ Charlotte, accompanied by her dad, undead lich king Ric. Charlotte strikes a pose with the belt, Bex looks ready for a fight, and Sasha sits outside smirking at the both of them. The bell rings:

  • Arm lock on Charlotte!
  • ‘WE WANT SASHA’ chants, followed by a ‘WOOOO’ counter chorus led by Charlotte.
  • After smacking Bex aroundbit, Charlotte ends up on the outside of the apron, where she attempts a feeble facsimile of Sasha’s pose. “You wish!” Sasha snarks from her seat. Nobody can be the Legit Bo$$ like THE Legit Bo$$, yo.

…And commercial. In the middle of the match. Rolling my eyes forever. Zack Ryder has barely been on the A or B shows (I love him but let’s be real here), yet the Divas champ gets her match cut with a commercial? Come on, y’all. Show some respect for a winner. Show some respect for a Flair!

  • We return to Charlotte in control, but Bex makes a comeback and SCREAMS FOR THE AUDIENCE, who scream back because Bex is best, y’all!
  • BEX PLEX into a cover for a two count!
  • “BECKY!” chants for days!
  • Disarm-Her reversed into a two count for Charlotte. Woooooo?
  • Charlotte is kicked outside and gets a stare down from Sasha. Charlotte runs around the ring before anyone can do anything, with Bex following close behind. GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE…!
  • Charlotte’s back in the ring, but Bex’s leg gets grabbed by CREEPY OLD RIC UGH GET OFFA HER
  • Aaaaand Bex is distracted right into a Natural Selection and a pin. Charlotte wins!

Not the most interesting match, but each woman showed personality and got appropriate chants, everyone stayed in character, and old Ric’s involvement was minimal. It wasn’t the longest match, but it did what it had to do. I am okay with this, but I’m also hoping these ladies pull something absolutely stellar off at WrestleMania.

Interview: Vince McMahon, aka Dammit McBitch

Renee is going to interview Vince now. Oh lord why. Vince looks like an old shark next to tiny perfect Renee, but she doesn’t look intimidated in the slightest, likely because she goes home to a guy who just got gifted a goddamn chainsaw. She asks Vince about his son, and he says Shane will do ‘anything’ to win his match. He doesn’t want the house, or the yard — he wants the entire WWE Universe, and he’ll do anything to get it. Vince wants an angry Taker to represent him, and–

Shane interrupts, talking about how Vince thinks he’s a god and that no one can run the company better than him. Shane is angry, very angry, and he ends with saying that Vince straight up stole the company from his father, and now Shane’s gonna take it from him. Daaaaaaamn, son. Is it me or is it getting a little bit meta in here? I mean, I’m down for that. Here’s your Reality Era.

Match: Kane & Big Show vs Curtis Axel & Bo Dallas, aka Clobbers vs Jobbers

We come back to #SOCIALOUTCASTS BAYBEEEE! Who promptly get interrupted by WEEEEEEEELL the Big Show. Son, I am disappoint. Mostly because I’d rather just watch the #SOCIALOUTCASTS family bicker for an hour. Oh look, Kane’s out too, because Kane and Show are a thing now? Are they dating? I’m not sure about anything right now. Kane and Show versus Axel and Bo, for some reason. Possibly vengeance? Possibly a double date?

This match starts out with Axel about to get chokeslam’d for daring to be in the same ring with anyone bigger than him, but this immediately goes into clusterfuck mode, because this is the pre-ARMBAR ARMBAR match, y’all. So, of course, everyone in the ARMBAR shows up for a cameo of kicking and striking and a few highlighted spots. Among the chaos they want us to think is exciting, there’s Swagger with a Patriot Lock, Sandow being alive, Darren Young almost getting murdered, and Mark Henry getting a double chokeslam. The remnants of the #SOCIALOUTCASTS try to save their Bo and Axel from getting the same treatment, only for there to be a quadruple chokeslam. Welp.

That was… certainly a thing that happened. I’m not sure why I should care about these two stomping over people and kicking around all the little guys that I actually give a shit about. I mean, Sandow showed up! We haven’t seen him in YEARS okay months BUT COME ON! Sigh.

(FYI, at this point there’s an ad for DBry’s special, and I can’t watch it because I’ll cry, and I’m an ugly crier. No! No! No!)

Promo: The Authority, aka the Mad Queen and her King of Kings

Trips’ theme song starts up, and he comes out with Steph, who looks amazing in those jeans, dang gurl, wurk. They look adorable, and hilariously she seems to pet the WHC title like a child. Probably because Seth Rollins isn’t here to pat on the head instead. (Come back to us, Crossfit Jesus. It’s past Easter and you’re late now!) Steph wants us to get down on our knees and grovel at the feet of her husband, THE GAME, and my brother suddenly growls out “MY HUSBAND, TRRRRIPLE H” in the style of Paul Heyman, which amuses me.

Trips says a lot of things about dreams and that title, and I can’t help but think Max Landis scripted at least 75% of this speech, because this is full ‘Hunter wants to control everything and make himself look amazing’ mode. Of course, this then veers into ‘also, Roman is amazing and perfect and won this championship’ territory, before he tacks on, ‘…for five minutes.’ The speech goes back into THE GAME territory, thankfully.

The fame, the power, the money… Trips says he’s obsessed with everything surrounding this title and always has been. Max, is this you? Did you do this? Am I watching Wrestling Isn’t Wrestling Part Deux: WrestleMania Boogaloo? Trips says he thought it would be okay to put on a suit and play the corporate guy, as he already held the title fifteen million times, but Roman powerbombing him onto the commentary table lit that fire of obsession in him again. (Something to note: boos at the mention of Roman.) Trips doesn’t like being disrespected or forgotten, so in return he’s going to destroy Roman’s dreams.

Steph grabs the mic and yells over the appropriately booing crowd that this WrestleMania isn’t about anyone but her husband — and then Roman stomps down the ramp to entirely inappropriate boos, at least for the guy who’s supposed to be the hero here. Roman doesn’t speak, he simply dives in and attacks Trips, and Trips and Steph barely make their escape, Steph in particular having a moment of pure fear before scrambling out. The evil power couple eventually stand at the top of the ramp and point accusingly, and as Roman stands silently in the center of the ring, the crowd makes their opinion known: “ROMAN SUCKS! ROMAN SUCKS!”

Hooboy. Not even a “Let’s go Roman” to balance it out. God, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss Cena.

My brother, who doesn’t exactly watch a ton of wrestling, says this about the crowd response: “Well of course they’ll cheer for Triple H. He’s got an actual character arc.” I ask for elaboration, and this is what he has to say… “It’s weird to say that there’s an art to coming out and interrupting someone, but… there was no conviction to him. He just… showed up. Like, ‘I’m gonna look somewhat menacing.’ Which, for Roman Reigns, looks like he’s only mildly distressed. Like he just realized his fly is down or something.”

Match: Kofi Kingston vs Alberto Del Rio, aka UniBro vs Uno Bro

We return to Steph and Trips stomping backstage for a moment, before we hear Big E and his unicorn bros dance out, clapping and grinning and hip swiveling their way into the ring. There’s a replay of the League of BAEtions laying the smackdown on our unibros, which makes me feel legitimately bad for them.

Xavier starts out by saying, “The New Day…” and get a “NEW… DAY ROCKS” chant. Rocks. Actually rocks! Not sucks, not socks. ROCKS. The boys-o-booty mention their box of Booty-Os, and wouldn’t you know it, that gets a chant too! The crowd loves The New Day, and they look so damn pleased about this. Just from this response, I cannot wait for their ‘Mania match. These boys work hard, and they definitely deserve a crowd who loves them.

The League of BAEtions come out to interrupt the hip swivels, as usual, and oh hey they’ve got matching shirts now! D’aww, that ain’t booty at all! On top of that, Del Rio’s back, complete with his flag, so he can wave it around or wear it like a cape or whatever people do with flags nowadays. There’s a bit of a standoff in the ring, but the bell finally rings, and…

  • Agile Kofi diving out of the way of all sorts of moves!
  • Del Rio on the outside getting an earful as Xavier blares LA CUCARACHA from the trombone. O. M .G.
  • “You’re counting the trombone as a competitor, Byron?!” “…Kind of.” Byron is my fave, y’all.
  • After a commercial… Del Rio drives his knee into Kofi’s spine OW OW OW.
  • Kofi hangs upside down for Del Rio’s signature stomping and — Kofi moves out of the way BECAUSE HE’S SMART AND NOT BOOTY.
  • Kofi with an SOS for a two count!
  • Del Rio with a backstabber to Kofi, ow ow ow. JBL: “Who’s booty NOW?!” Will you stop?!
  • League is silent and concerned looking, while E and Xavier cheer on Kofi from the sidelines. TRUE FAMILY, Y’ALL.
  • Kofi with a two count and the audience is psyched about this!
  • Del Rio’s cross arm breaker REVERSED INTO A ROLLUP! KOFI WITH A PIN FOR THE WIN!

Our boys of bootyshaking The New Day celebrate at the top of the ramp, until… “NEW DAYYYY?!”

Jonathan Coachman struts out! He loves the New Day, and he wants to announce that ESPN’s SportsCenter will be reporting LIVE from WrestleMania! They won’t be calling matches, mind you, but they’ll definitely be there and will definitely be offering analysis and whatnot right up until the start of ‘Mania itself. Also: Coachman loves Booty-O’s. “They make sure… you ain’t booty!” he recites, and the crowd actually says it with him, bless. He proceeds to shimmy and bootyshake with the boys, and he’s adorable and now I’m giggling. I don’t giggle. How dare you, Coach. Only Byron’s allowed to make me giggle! And Seth Rollins. And Dean Ambrose. Ahem.

Oh. We’re told Brock Lesnar is in the house tonight, so that’s… possibly gonna be a thing that happens. We’ll see!

We come back from commercial to get told that Joan Lunden is getting the Warrior Award. Something about using her position as a celebrity to do a lot of Breast Cancer awareness stuff. Cool, I guess. Still a little salty about that award not going to crew members the way Warrior wanted, but that’s not Joan’s fault, so eh. Good for you, lady!

Interview: Roman Reigns, aka The Master of the ‘Belee Dat’

Renee is now going to interview Roman Reigns, who’s getting a shit ton of boos and — oh no wait, here’s Bubba, yelling for them to finish what they started at SmackDown last week. Roman murmurs a quiet ‘excuse me’ to Renee and then starts stalking Bubba, but D’Von appears like magic! The beat down starts, and… Trips shows up to help the Dudz! They beat Roman down to the cheers of the crowd, and then they throw his head straight into a concrete wall, because that’s what heels do. The Dudz then leave the dazed Roman to Trips, who shoves the title into his face and tells him his dream is over. He slams Roman’s head into the title sitting on a large metal container.

The crowd is cheering. Straight up cheering. I can’t hear boos. The crowd is cheering for Triple H as he beats down Roman backstage in an unfair surprise fight. “Oh no,” my brother monotones, deadpan. “Poor Roman Reigns. How terrible. His dream is over? …Does Roman even have dreams?” My brother is of the opinion that Roman doesn’t have much of a character or personality, and while I’m inclined to disagree, I don’t have much to combat that belief, unfortunately. Ye gods, this is painful. I want to like you, Roman, I swear!

Match:  Kalisto vs Konnor, aka Flippy Green Ranger vs Cosmic Wastelander #2

Welp it’s time for another match! Here comes Kalisto, aka the Green Ranger! He goes up against Konnor of the Ascension, so we should thank Stardust for sending his boys out to play again. Stardust is a great dad to his little cosmic scamps, y’all.

  • Konnor headlocks Kalisto for a bit, while JBL rants about other sports the audience probably doesn’t know much about because… reasons.
  • Kalisto with flips for days! Rolling through all the things! You go, flippy lucha dude!
  • Salida del Sol and a pin for the win!

Viktor didn’t like this, but Kalisto fucks him up too with some flippy moves, and while Viktor rolls out of the ring, Ryback makes his sudden entrance, sauntering up to the ring and doing a little standoff moment, face to face with a tiny stubborn Kalisto. Yeah, buddy, there’s no intimidating a dragon. After a rather long and awkward moment where I swear Ryback wants to kiss Kalisto, he instead shouts in his face: “FEED… ME… MORE!” I guess no one’s been feeding Ryback lately. Poor thing must be starving. He exits, and the ‘FEED ME MORE’ chant morphs into the ‘LU-CHA’ chant, Kalisto standing tall in the ring. Or, y’know, as tall as he can, considering his size.

(Entirely unrelated amusing sign: DEAN CAN GIVE ME THE DIRTY DEEDS. He sure can!)

Oh, and there’s a shot of Paul Heyman at Lesnar’s door. “My beast! Your public awaits!” So many fanfiction ideas here, y’all. So many.

Promo: Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman, aka Trainer Heyman & his pokémon Brockachu

We return from a commercial break straight into Lesnar’s entrance. He’s followed closely by Heyman, who adjusts his tie as if he’s had to re-dress himself quickly before coming out. I told you, this fanfiction just writes itself, okay? Anyway, there’s pyro all over the damn place as Lesnar makes his way into the ring. We get a replay of SmackDown’s events, which basically consisted of Wyatts + Dean + Lesnar = victorious Lesnar.

“Ladies and gentlemen…” Heyman introduces his beast and BFF, Brrrrrrock… Lessssnar! And he also wants to hype us up for WrestleMania in six days. Nobody can do what Lesnar does, sure, but there’s always gonna be that one weird guy — ‘lunatic’ he says, and can I just say I hate that forever — who thinks he can topple the beast. Dean is “crazy like a fox” but doesn’t realize that taking Lesnar out of his element doesn’t mean Dean will have an advantage just because there are weapons involved. He says weapons specifically, by the way, because he’s not supposed to, but fuck it, it’s ‘Mania season and they need ratings.

Heyman goes on for a while longer, but before he can finish… out comes Dean Ambrose! And he’s tugging around a little red wagon behind him. He gets to the ring, with said wagon, and proceeds to pull weapons out from under the ring. Steel pipes, Funk’s chainsaw, Foley’s barbed wire bat, etc. Lesnar wants his attention and bats a discarded kendo stick around, but instead Dean pauses, looks around, and… takes the steel steps with him too. Dean shuffles off happily, little red wagon of toys — weapons — in tow.

Oh, we’re now told the Authority isn’t done talking, so they’ll be out later. Sigh. Why, tho. I do love when Trips is ranting about how great he is and Steph throws her metaphorical confetti at her husband, but do we need more than one segment with them on the same night?

We also get a shot of Alicia Fox, Brie Bella, Paige, and Natalya, getting all cozy and chatty backstage. I’m still weirded out by forever-face Nattie being on a team of mostly heels, but the one who really stands out is miss ‘can’t keep a friend for more than five minutes without backstabbing them because ladies be crazy‘ Paige. On the bright side, she did say in a previous segment that she may hate her teammates, but she hates the ladies on the other team even more. Well, at least there’s some logic there, right? Right…? And I admit I’m happy that we’re getting more than one women’s segment tonight.

Match: Paige vs Emma, aka This Is My House vs Evil Bubbles

After a commercial break, the ladies come out to Paige’s theme, and they’re going up against… EMMA! EMMA SIGHTING, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! Emma is on a team with Naomi, Tamina, Summer Rae, and Lana. They’re now calling themselves Team BAD AND BLONDE, and they’re going to fight… Team TOTAL DIVAS? Really? Okay, fine. So yes, these teams will compete In a 10 woman match at ‘Mania. Good for them, though. Get dat payday, ladies.

Anyway, this match is Emma versus Paige, and I haven’t seen either of them in the ring for ages upon ages. I’m ready for this!

  • Emma is vicious and I am loving it.
  • Emma with a running boot to Paige’s head! Slay.
  • Paige kicking and kicking and then an obligatory ‘THIS IS MY HOUSE!’ and I can’t believe I missed that, but man, I missed that.
  • Is this a heel versus heel match? I am so okay with this, y’all don’t even know.
  • Paige with a fall-away slam! Ow.
  • Paige about to do something to Emma while both teams rabble around outside…
  • Lana sneaks in while the ref is distracted, and she kicks Paige in the face with her bare feet! The fact that she wrestles in bare feet fills me with glee, because I take it to mean she takes after Rusev — or possibly Rusev took after her, as she was his leash holder.
  • Lana’s kicks worked well, as Emma gets the pin for the win!

Summer Rae climbs in to make a mess out of Brie, while Emma works on Paige summore. Lana stands in the ring looking pretty and adjusting her jacket, and all is well and good, but suddenly, an all too familiar song starts to play…

Eva Marie is here.

She runs into the ring and slams Lana down, but Lana escapes, as does the rest of her team. Team Total Divas stands victorious in the ring, and Eva Marie is WAY TOO HAPPY about being part of this team. I don’t like shoving Total Divas down our throats, and I really don’t like the fact that a definite heel is on a supposedly face team, but I admit Eva Marie’s awkward and desperate ‘friendship’ with her teammates is ridiculous and amusing. Paige looks like she’s gonna cut a bitch, and I hope she does something to Eva Marie at ‘Mania regardless of team affiliation. I expect Eva Marie to botch something and Paige to exact righteous vengeance.

Time for an awkward Golden Truth segment! R-Truth says he won’t be able to protect Goldie, gets all sniffly, and uses his shirt to blow his nose. “You think it’s funny… but it’s snot.” Har. Har. Sigh.

After a commercial, Cole tells us Snoop is gonna be inducted into the celebrity wing of the WWE Hall of Fame! Cool, I guess? I mean, Sasha’s gonna be happy about it, at least. And anything that puts a smile on Sasha’s face can’t be all bad, right?

Match: Stardust/KO/Miz vs Sami/Ziggler/Sin Cara, aka Wasn’t This On SmackDown Last Week

And now, for an actual match! Stardust looks like the star of a silent movie with all the personality on his face. He’s joined by The Miz and a very bored Kevin Owens who probably needs a nap. Bouncy Sin Cara, happy Sami Zayn, and butt wiggler Ziggler are on the other team tonight. Bell rings, and the ole chant starts up immediately, because it’s Sami and Miz in the ring first…

  • Chain wrasslin forever. Miz isn’t too bad at this.
  • KO is tagged! And promptly tags in Stardust. Miz stares daggers at KO, as if he cannot believe he’s doing this again.
  • It’s Zigs versus Stars now, and the Cody chants get louder, because of course they do.
  • Ziggler superkicking Miz, womp womp.
  • Ziggler strips his shirt, but it’s not enough to hold my attention. Sorry, Ziggles!
  • Sin Cara vs Stardust now, so many flips. Flips for days.
  • BYRON SAXTON chant???? lololol bless this crowd. I love my city.
  • That is one of the loudest CM PUNK chants I have ever heard on a recent Raw, and that is goddamn sad.
  • Olé chant as Sami and KO have another staredown. It’s nice to know the crowd is actually behind Sami despite most smarky crowds being hella into the heel, KO especially.

  • Not for nothing, but Miz has really stepped up his game in the ring. Good for you, guy!
  • Stardust stompin’ on Sami with KO clapping, d’aww. But the Cody chants start up again, and Stardust is livid and takes it out on Sami. This is what happens when you send your boys out to play instead of keeping them here to cover your ears. Tsk!
  • Ziggles screaming with every takedown = yes this is entertaining thank you
  • ZIGGLE WIGGLES! Look at dat hip swivel! …Why aren’t you BFFs with the New Day?
  • …RVD chant? What the hell is this crowd smoking and why can’t I have any.
  • Miz and Stardust make a great team! That is weird but nice! I miss Stardust and Titus being a thing, but Miz/Stardust has a lot of vicious chemistry going on.
  • KO tags in, kicks once, and tags right out. It’s okay though, he chants ‘STARDUST! STARDUST!’ for his buddy, who is v pleased. I mean, he’d rather KO actually help with the match, but beggars can’t be choosers, I guess.
  • Did I… did I just hear a fucking Benoit chant? Am I just hearing things?

While we’re on another commercial break, it behooves me to mention that Brooklyn thinks this match is boring and I am inclined to agree, especially as I’ve seen at least half of this match on SmackDown last week. I’m supposed to be highlighting the interesting bits of this match, I know, but honestly? The chants are entertaining me more than anything else. Oh look, commercials are over…

  • THIS IS BOOTY chant, oh my god.
  • This turns into a ‘NEW… DAY ROCKS’ chant because why the fuck not?
  • More olé chants whenever Sami’s in the ring, so we know they’re paying attention at least?
  • At some point everyone hits their finishers, because again, why the fuck not?
  • “You think you’re special? YOU’RE NOT!” KO is so angry at Sami. So angry.
  • Powerbomb countered into a dropkick! Things are finally getting interesting!
  • KO’S TEAMMATES DESERT HIM because that’s what he gets for not wanting to participate. When your classmates tell you to help with the project, you help with the project. Or they’ll leave you in the ring to get bodyslam’d by your teacher. Or something.
  • Sami vs KO part 27! Or I guess three or four if we’re counting only Raw and SmackDown.

Team Flippy Skanking Butt Wiggles stands victorious! And nobody particularly cares, because we’ve seen most of this match last week, and we’ll see it once again at ‘Mania, except with the addition of Zack Ryder and a ladder. Here’s hoping everyone brings something interesting to the table. Err, ladder. Yes.

Promo: Authority Pt II, Samoan Boogaloo

So thanks to being interrupted earlier, the evil power couple Steph and Trips come back to finish the speech they started, Steph on Trips’ arm and nearly skipping. The Mad Queen is so proud of her big ol’ King of Kings, d’awwwww.

Steph is on the mic, loving the fact that everyone hates them, because everyone hates success, and they’re as successful as they come. Trips has a hand in his pocket and his tie is off and the title is slung over his shoulder and… well… goddamn, he looks good. Unf. Usually I say Trips is the lucky one in that relationship, but hell if she ain’t just as lucky. Whoof.

“You can take your morality and you can shove it,” Trips says, because he gives zero shits about the fact that he assaulted Roman backstage. No one else really cares about it either, really. But Roman does! So here he stomps out again to interrupt for the second time. Trips and Roman go at it, again, and while Roman gets his new nose slammed, he’s able to get Trips on the ground for some slamming of his own. Steph then signals for her secret weapon, which happens to be most of the heels on the damn roster. They all stream in and start fighting Roman, or pulling him away from Trips, or something. I don’t know, it’s all one big thing.

But then the Usos are out! Followed by most of the faces on the roster, so now it’s an even bigger thing. Everyone now attempts to pull Trips and Roman away from each other, and I see Swagger and R-Truth teaming up in a failed attempt to calm Trips. Instead of retreating, he runs at the group again, leaving Roman a great opportunity to dive outside the ring and land on all of them. Trips quite literally crawls away, and while Roman stands victorious, the crowd still screams their righteous disapproval: “YOU STILL SUCK! YOU STILL SUCK!”

And that’s how we end tonight’s Raw, I guess. Well, we can be sure of this much: whether it’s a great match or a trainwreck, Trips versus Roman will certainly involve a lot of interesting chants.