Welcome ladies and germs (actually no, go away germs I’ve been sick for three weeks now make it stop) and welcome to Thursday Night SmackDown! Tonight’s shenanigans have been brought to you by FunkCo’s Chainsaw Emporium. FunkCo: for when you want to cut a beast down to size, literally!
Tonight’s SmackDown starts with a… Divas segment? Huh. Charlotte’s in the ring with her lich king father, and good ol’ Lass Kicker Becky Lynch sits at commentary to listen to what her former buddy’s got to say. Apparently Charlotte wants to end the Divas Revolution? Charlotte, I hate to break it to you, but the writers basically already did that months ago. She’d like to replace it with the ‘WOO!’ revolution, however, and she proceeds to screech out some forced woos for a few agonizing seconds before Sasha Banks comes out to save our eardrums. Thank you, based Banks.
Oh, this is a match? Okay, then. This is a match! Specifically, Sasha versus Charlotte, with Bex on commentary.
- Charlotte rolls outta the ring to brush her shoulders off… and then scampers away when Sasha chases after her. Woop woop woop!
- Bex: “Ah wanna take Cherlit’s erm, I wanna take Sesha’s erm, an I wanna take them an I wanna make them applause fer me when I win.” Dis my fave right here.
- Sasha wooooos at Ric like a warning. Ric woooos back hesitantly, as he’s not sure what woo dialect she’s using?
- Sasha’s ego opens her up for Charlotte’s violence. Whoops!
- Charlotte showing some lovely heel attitude. You go, gurl. Work dat strut!
- Charlotte bridging out of a pin, hells yeah~
- Spinebuster, followed by a woo and a– reverse into a rollup! SASHA WINS!
Before Sasha can celebrate (and Charlotte can whine about her loss), Bex is in the ring, delivering not one but two Bex Plexes, one to each of them. She exits the ring and stomps off as her theme song plays. Is it over? Nope, because Sasha takes this opportunity to slam Charlotte with a Backstabber. Sasha struts off as her own theme plays, leaving Charlotte laying in the ring, probably wondering how she’s going to survive Wrestlemania. Oww.
Next up, we have the Neeeeew Daaaaay! Who shill the Network AND Booty-O’s. They compare the ‘League of Booty’ to everything from a DMV visit to Michael Jordan’s baseball career and then promise that if the New Day wins at ‘Mania, they’ll lead the largest group of hip swivelers in history. PG era, everybody!
When the League of BAEtions finally come out, sans Del Rio for some reason, I can barely hear Eden announcing their presence because of the damn piped-in cheering. C’mon, guys, respect your in-ring announcers! Anyway, it’s Sheamus versus Kofi tonight…
- “I hear his bowl of Booty-O’s is so big it’s got a lifeguard.” Never change, King.
- I like how Xavier literally calls Kofi’s move with the trombone and Sheamus STILL doesn’t see it coming. Buddy, when you hear the slide, move to the side!
- Sheamus has not groomed his beard. This is vaguely distressing. WHERE ARE YOUR BEADS. Did Del Rio accidentally eat them when y’all were making out?
- Rusev doesn’t want Kofi to touch him because “YOU’RE TRASH!” I could honestly listen to Rusev yell at everyone all night.
- Add Xavier to the list of people I could listen to all night, as he heckles a hurt and limping Sheamus.
- Kofi somersaulting outta the goddamn ring right on top of Sheamus, EYYY!
- Crossbody for a two count, and Rusev is pacing and worrying all around the ring, poor dear.
- League versus New Day on supporting bae: Barrett and Rusev scream about crushing their enemies, while Xavier and Big E employ the Power of Positivity with “You can do this, Kofi!” That’s… hella endearing, goddamn.
- Sheamus attempts to expose the turnbuckle but gets a spinning back kick from Kofi. Pin almost counts, but Rusev pulls Sheamus’ leg onto the ropes. Boo!
- Xavier chases him away, but that just opens up Kofi for a Brogue Kick, and Sheamus pins for the win.
Big E and Xavier hold their bae and look concerned, while the League members celebrate at the top of the ramp, chanting “NEW… DAY SUCKS!” That’s honestly a great way to get us to stop chanting that, because now that the League are the True Heels, the New Day can be the tweeners they were born to be. It’s about damn time, y’all.
And now, it’s time for the… Usos. Excuse me while I yawn a little bit. Their “Uce? Ohh!” crowd participation is great, but that’s about the only thing I enjoy about them. Meanwhile, the Ascension are already in the ring waiting for this match to start, and it’s nice to see that Stardust is finally arranging playdates for them.
- Byron and King bicker about the start of the Dudleyz’ feud with the Usos, and after Byron properly schools him, King mutters, “You got a convenient memory.” Maybe it’s just me, but I’m really liking Byron’s slow character development and transformation into a great eager face commentator.
- Double kicks for days? Double kicks for days.
The Dudley Boyz watch backstage as the Usos celebrate their quickest win in years, but the Usos decide they’re gonna… pull out a table? Two tables? Why, though. What did the Ascension do to them? The Dudz are muttering backstage, and poor Konnor and Viktor get set up on the tables. The Usos make their way to the top of two corners… and two Samoan Splashes onto the tables take out the Ascension, seemingly for good. Christ, Usos, what the hell? What is your damage?
Renee comes out with a dainty bun in her hair and a jacket I wanna steal, and she shoves a mic at the Dudz and asks them what’s going to happen at ‘Mania. D’Von swears they’re not defined by tables (suuuure), Bubba says the Usos are great but not as great as they are… and then he proceeds to trash talk basically every Samoan team ever in history. Why, though. That is quite possibly the dumbest thing they could —
Uh. Hi, Roman. Whatcha doing here? Aside from listening to crowd boos and piped-in cheers, anyway. Oh, he’s… pissed off. About Triple H, of course. So now everyone who pisses him off reminds him of Trips? That’s a little odd and concerning. Odder still: he doesn’t want a match, he wants a fight. Uh. Can he do that? Renee slinks off after Roman stomps away, leaving the Dudz bewildered and a little bit afraid, because now Bubba’s gonna go up against Roman later tonight. Sure, why not, I guess.
There’s a segment about Shane versus Taker, the same one we’ve seen for a few weeks now. I love both of them, but c’mon, gimme something different. Hell, just run clips of the two of them training. I’d watch that for hours.
Butt Wiggler Ziggler is gonna have a match now! Apparently while teaming up with… Sami Zayn! Who skip-skanks down the ramp to legit cheers despite probably having less than five matches on the main roster so far. Bless that darling ray of sunshine. They go up against Kanye-lite The Miz, who will team up with angry kindergartener who needs a nap, Kevin Owens. KO shows off his Intercontinental Title and promptly gets into an argument with the Miz about whose fault it was the last time they tagged and things went south. “You started it,” KO gripes, exiting the ring and leaving a disgruntled Miz to start this match.
- Sami’s in, and KO’s cheers for Miz turn sarcastic as Miz gets tossed around over and over again. KO occasionally trails off to stare at Sami, but can we blame him? He’s clearly still not completely over his ex.
- Ziggles’ turn to shine! While KO yells at the ref. And then Ziggles yells at the ref. “Count it! C’MON!” Dude, ref, you gotta be quicker for these boys!
- Ziggles with a neckbreaker and then an elbow drop, signaling to the ref to pay attention so he can count the pin on time. It’s not a win, of course.
- The Miz finally gets a knee to Zigs and then holds him still, offering him as sacrifice to a tagged-in KO. KO unleashes mad violence on poor lil’ Zigs.
- Ziggles with the standing dropkick to KO! Ziggles tags in Sami! KO… tags in Miz. Womp womp. KO is really not ready to face his ex.
- Miz gets tossed around and eventually is tired of dis shit. He tags in KO, and KO is just like… ‘really?’
After a long moment of Sami standing in the middle of the ring, staring down his ex, KO decides to… hop down from the apron, grab his title, and vamoose. Miz chases after him, probably screaming about how no one should leave a star like him to fend for himself like that. KO gives zero fucks about any of this, and there’s a short shoving match before Sami makes his way around and dives at the both of them, separating KO and tossing him into the ring. Oh? Oh shit, the match is still going!
- KO in the corner and Sami with a million and one elbows to his head. Go, Sami, go! Nine to KO, and one for Miz!
- Ziggles gets tagged in and starts off strong but winds up getting absolutely squished. Miz and KO are finally on the same page as they beat the crap out of Zigglebutt.
- Miz looks good as he has Ziggles in a chinlock and then tosses him outta the ring. Good job, Miz! You’re finally performing well while a camera is on you!
- KO wants to show off but gets knees to his back for his troubles. This is what happens when you get sloppy, buddy.
- Sami’s in and beating the crap outta Miz. Woo!
- Miz attempts to escape but Sami grabs his trunks and pulls him back like a cartoon. The following pin is only a two count thanks to KO’s interruption, though.
- Jesus christ this match is great how the hell did this happen???
KO eventually abandons Miz because nothing matters but KO-Mania. And he would’ve made it out of the arena alive, too, if not for the sudden appearance of the rest of the ‘Mania ladder match participants: Sin Cara, Stardust, and a heavily bearded Zack Ryder. KO takes pause, and Miz attacks him from behind, throwing him into the ring. Ziggler delivers a superkick to KO, and Miz follows it up with a Skull Crushing Finale to his own partner! Miz screams at KO but gets caught in a superkick himself, and Sami runs in with a Helluva Kick. Sami with the pin for the win!
Stardust attacks! And then Sin Cara attacks! And then Zack Ryder gets tossed out by Sin Cara. Ziggles does a thing! KO does a thing! Zack comes back?! With a Rough Ryder on KO?! “I’VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH!” Zack screams, the crowd woo-ing along as his song plays, KO slinking up the ramp.
There’s a segment about what happened last week on Raw with Roman and Steph, but I don’t care about any of it because y’all, Zack Ryder pulled a goddamn Rough Ryder on KO. I am so hyped for that ladder match and I am not sorry, not even a little bit.
Speaking of hype, or lack thereof, here comes Roman Reigns, marching down the ramp like he wants to cut a bitch. Bubba comes in next, yelling about how Roman’s gonna get a fight. On paper, this match is a good idea, if only because we can finally get the silent badass Roman we’ve been clamoring for, plus he gets pitted against Bubba, who can trash talk with the best of them in the ring — not just making up for Roman’s silence, but augmenting it, making Roman look a hell of a lot scarier. We’ll see how the match actually turns out, though…
- Bubba immediately exits the ring to yell at the crowd. Roman goes after him and slams him around.
- Bubba does his best, but gets a Superman Punch. I know who I should be rooting for, but…
- Roman slams Bubba’s face into the commentary table. Over. And over. And over. Uh. Uhhhh.
The bell rings because that table violence was a disqualification, but Roman continues to deliver some pain to Bubba. D’Von runs in but gets a Superman Punch. And then Roman throws the steel steps at him. Roman gets back into the ring and spears Bubba. Roman walks away, calmly, his song loud in our ears, drowning out both cheers and boos. I’m not sure what the crowd thinks about this. Hell, I’m not even sure what I think about this.
Time for the obligatory Golden Truth segment. Goldie’s trying to do his paint job in what looks like a public school bathroom, and R-Truth takes this moment to point out that Goldie ran in to save him earlier! Goldie swears he just had some PJs under the ring, but R-Truth knows better. Goldie sleeps nude, see! …Wait, what. Goldie has had about enough of R-Truth, so he spells out NO in big gold letters on Truth’s forehead. Truth, of course, looks into the mirror and sees “ON.” Hooray! Sigh.
We now join Kalisto strolling around backstage, and he’s met by his partner and BFF, Sin Cara! I gotta wonder, though: do they know what each other’s faces look like under the masks? When they go out for drinks after work, do they have to lift the masks juuust slightly to get the beers down? Do they snuggle at night with the masks on? Gosh, that would be adorable. …A-anyway, Kalisto wants them both to be champions, and Sin Cara warns him to be careful with Ryback. Sin Cara makes his exit, and lo and behold, Ryback makes his entrance.
Ryback is appropriately disdainful, figuratively and literally talking down to Kalisto because he can’t ride all the rides at amusement parks and Ryback could totally bench Kalisto with one arm. Also, a buddy of mine saw Ryback take his shirt off in the shower, and he said that Ryback had an eight-pack. Kalisto does his part to play the spunky David to Ryback’s Goliath, saying this little guy is gonna beat Da Big Guy. Ryback snickers as Kalisto leaves because Kalisto is so dang tiny. I think he just wants to keep him as a pet and feed him cookies. I mean, I do.
So next up is, apparently, a match between Tyler Breeze and AJ Styles, mostly because a) Jericho hasn’t yet said yes to a match with AJ, and b) Tyler was vaguely offended that AJ might actually have better hair than him.
- Slingshot forearm to the outside by Styles, POW!
- According to Byron, Breeze is embarrassed for Styles, because his name is Styles, but he doesn’t… have any. Welp.
- King is super salty about Mauro knowing the names of all the moves. This is adorable.
- Phenomenal Forearm, and pin for the win!
That was the quickest match, but Breeze has fallen far from his NXT days, so I’m not exactly surprised. AJ strikes a pose and does his gloves thing, but all I wanna do is run my fingers through his hair. I imagine Jericho would show up and give me a Codebreaker outta nowhere, though.
Hey y’all, guess what time it is! It’s time for the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar! In a complete set with all of his pyro as well as his good buddy, ever-worrying advocate Paul Heyman.
A Suplex City chant starts up, and Heyman looks vaguely pleased before doing his usual intro, the crowd following along dutifully, as Heyman can control a crowd better than every actual wrestler on the roster. He explains what a No Holds Barred Street Fight actually is, yelling about the various weapons Dean can use against his client, while said client bounces around happily, probably imagining all the carnage but with daydreamy anime bubbles and flowers surrounding it all. Then Heyman says this, and I actually chuckle out loud… “Y’know, shooting from the hip: the only reason why Terry Funk and Mick Foley are still alive today is because God refuses to answer my prayers on a daily basis.” Daaaamn, son.
Heyman then implies that Lesnar might actually use that chainsaw himself, but is he really going to need that? Suplex City and F5s for days is all Lesnar is gonna need. Lesnar himself is a goddamn weapon, you dig? But now Heyman is done, and Lesnar wants to fight Dean. Not just at ‘Mania, but tonight. Right now. Let’s go, y’all!
Aaaaand cue the Wyatts. Goddammit.
They amble slowly down the ramp, fireflies all over the arena, and as the Wyatts get into position surrounding the ring, Lesnar bounces eagerly despite his face showing concern…
Cue Dean Ambrose!
Dean has brought his good friend, Kendo Stick, and they proceed to whack their way down the ramp, as Lesnar slams Rowan but then gets slammed by Brown Snowman Braun Strowman. Braun’s too slow and gets suplex’d to hell and back, but Dean dives into the ring and starts whackin’ away at Lesnar with that skinny-ass kendo stick. Which is about as successful as it sounds, really. Lesnar breaks the stick after slamming Dean, and then he straight up breaks Dean with an F5.
Lesnar’s theme blares in our ears, as Lesnar standing victorious in the ring, the remnants of the Wyatts strewn around the ring. Dean stares up from the ring floor, cartoon stars and birds probably circling his head. We end SmackDown with Lesnar and Heyman making their way out of the arena, a wounded Dean groaning as he watches them leave. Dean, you might wanna upgrade that kendo stick before trying that out on Lesnar again. Just a thought, my man. Juuuuust a thought.