Hello and welcome to Gaywatch, your round up of the really gay stuff that’s happened in WWE in the past week! Our dedicated researchers are here to help make sure you don’t miss a single moment of homoerotic tension, never fear! We’re here to keep you up to date, and make sure you stay kay-fabulous.
Monday Night Raw kicked off nicely, with BIg E telling us how he loves the taste of booty. The New Day have given us many insights into their threesome recently, including telling us that they like to take baths together, and that they call Kofi Kingston ‘pops’. Big E has also had a good grope and spank of Dean Ambrose’s arse, the lucky devil, so i guess we know that as a team, they’re all about that butt. Plus, of course, they gave us the mentioning of Ambreigns on live television. The New Day – so giving. But I hear they take pretty well, too.
Hot dad turned sexy magician Chris Jericho was at is again this week. After a week or so of cuddling with new boyfriend and younger man AJ Styles, Chris is a little upset that everyone seems to find his new bae more attractive than him. They had a vicious break up, where Jericho burned their couple’s shirt in the middle of the ring, and then chanted his ex-lover’s name in a manner that suggests it’s the rhythm he still uses to masturbate. It’s okay, Chris. A lot of us have trouble letting go.
So this week, Chris went one step further, and decided to publically kink shame his former lover, telling us:
“I’m AJ Styles’ daddy!”
Chris, Chris, Chris, there’s a certain amount of dignity expected from you when you’re in your mid-forties, and even if AJ was the love of your life, you’d not been together very long. Time to either try to win him back – even though you ended it – or to accept that he’s gone, and you made a mistake. It’s a sad time for everyone, but if you’re upset, just pop on your LED jacket and stand in the dark for a while, okay?
Kink shaming your ex partner is, like revenge porn, just not okay, and especially not okay from a man who should know better. Heartbreak is difficult, Chris, but with a pint of ice cream and Legally Blonde on dvd, you’ll soon have yourself feeling sparkly and fabulous once more. We’re all rooting for you.
After their brawl on Raw, a video was released of Triple H having shards of glass removed from his skin, and having blood dabbed off him, whereupon he utters the immortal line:
“In three weeks you’re gonna be picking my fist out of Roman’s ass.”
Now, now, Hunter, there’s much nicer ways to ask your partner if they’re ready to try fisting, but I’m glad you’re willing to put three weeks into working your way in. Proper preparation is important, and you don’t want to hurt Roman, do you? Remember your lubrication, and you might want nitrile gloves just so infection isn’t an issue, as fisting can cause tears to the lining of the rectum. Enjoy your WrestleMania moment, Roman – I’ve heard the feeling is pretty intense!
On SmackDown, we got jilted lover Kevin Owens, who seems to be trying to move onto Jerichos’ cast-off AJ Styles, telling AJ that he reminds him of Sami Zayn. Kevin and Sami have a history that spans nearly two decades, but although Kevin seems not to be over it, he’s the one who keeps pushing Sami away. I think you’ll all join me in hoping this big bear and his lumbersexual ex get themselves back together as soon as possible – watching them fight is just upsetting for all of us. Here’s hoping for a happy ending – in more ways than one!
Well, that’s our week! Let us know in the comments if we missed anything, and we’ll keep our eye and ears open for anything new – we’ll be back next week with more homoerotic tension and poor sex jokes. Have a good week, guys – and stay kay-fabulous!
(We would like to state for the record that all views and opinions stated here are purely for satirical purposes and have no bearing on the wrestling stars mentioned, nor the real people behind those characters.)