Welcome, one and all, to Jax Snax, and… Thursday Night Snaxdown! Tonight’s recap is brought to you by Nearest Medical Facility: the service is quick even if you’re mauled by a beast, plus you get a free ambulance with every visit! You just can’t go wrong with Nearest Medical Facility. One out of one Ambroses agree!
We open with your friend and mine, Mauro Ranallo welcoming us, hooray! And here comes Trips, come to survey his territory I guess. H-hooray? Sidenote: I’m really digging the graphics for the Mania matches. Very clean and modern. Anyway, Trips delicately settles the belt onto a cushy table and introduces himself as, uh… the devil. No, really. He basically says Roman should’ve seen this coming and that’s what he gets blah blah aaaand let’s roll the video of the beatdown from Monday. Still looks brutal, even knowing most of that blood was a gaudy fake red. Cue the image of Roman post-surgery — which I hear is a real non-kayfabey thing, as he’d been wrestling with a mucked up nose for /months/ before now. Dang, dawg.
Trips assures us all that we can’t beat the system and then continues to quote the Rolling Stones which, okay, I’ll admit it, sounds really badass the way he growls it out with a feral grin. Trips continues to yak about blood, sweat, and tears, and about Roman being good but not good enough, and then he… pulls out tissues he’d saved from Monday, with Roman’s dried blood on them. Trips, you’ve got some issues, yo. For the record, it’s now been about 15 minutes in and he’s only just now sauntering out of the ring after tossing the mic away.
Mauro informs us that there’s no timetable for Roman’s recovery yet, and we’re then told there’s gonna be an actual match at some point! New Day vs Team Y2AJ plus one, assuming they can find someone they can both agree to work with.
(Sidenote: King, what the hell are you wearing? You look like you’re wearing one of those cheap cosplay t-shirts.)
And now: Lucha time! This time they’re wearing the weirdest camo pattern, and I really wish they’d stick to one iconic pattern so I can buy some damn merch. Assuming they have merch, anyway. Neville comes out, because Neville is apparently bffs with the Luchas now (I am totally not complaining), and a grinning, bouncy Zigglypuff rounds out the team. Somewhere in the back of my mind I squeal a little bit in honor of all the Ziggler/Neville shippers (there are literally dozens of us!). The League of Bae-tions grab each other’s pecs and blast into the ring with no small amount of pomp and circumstance. The bell rings, aaand…
Oh my god Barrett’s actually in the ring! So of course he gets tossed out a few seconds into the match and all hell breaks loose. This match basically turns into a ‘look at this thing, now switch cameras and look at the other thing!’ But it’s okay because Luchas! Also BARRETT! Barrett is active and wrasslin now! Looks like he’s still being a bit protected but I don’t care because I love Barrett almost as much as I love Cesaro. Just show up and smile and do yo thang, man.
The League proceed to layeth the smackdown on pretty much every member of Team Flying Showoffs, and Sheamus eventually yells “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” in Zig’s face, only for Ziggles to respond with the quickest, crispest of superkicks. Crack, and down Sheamus goes. The tide turns for our kick-flip heroes, and at one point Neville pulls off some kind of double front flip off the top corner over Sheamus’ attempted shenanigans.
Drop kick by Kalisto, Sin Cara dives through the ropes, aaaaand woop, there goes a Red Arrow on Barrett — and Del Rio kicks Neville in the face — and Zigs kicks Del Rio in the face — and Sheamus kicks Neville in the face. Cue pin for the win. Most of the League of Nations hug each other while Del Rio kicks at our downed heroes in the background. And then he leaps forward and helps carry Barrett, because they’re so happy their king is recovered and ring ready. And so am I! Welcome back, King of Bad News!
Next up is Renee attempting to deal with Kevin Owens, who’s saying a lot of great and wonderful things about Dean and who then proceeds to offer Ambrose, the absentee archangel of anarchy, his rematch for the Intercontinental Title. KO is very disappointed in Dean’s absence but hey, this means he gets a night off, right? Since KO already beat everyone else? Whoops, here comes Big Show. Okay, KO beat everyone /important/ though, so he’s still sort of right. Big Show grabs a lowkey-intimidated KO by the shirt and growls out, “Lemme tell you something, you snarky piece of trash…” and then tells him that hey, guess what, we’re gonna have a match! Also there will be punching. KO may get KO’d. It’s gonna be great, y’all. Big Show lumbers off with a smile, and KO is left to maybe piss his pants a little, because I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve seen KO get legit worried. Not sour, not pouty, not angry and stewing. Worried, and a little bit afraid. I did not know I wanted to see that in my Kevin Owens. Huh.
Oh boy, Dudleyz time I guess! D’Von’s on his own in the ring tonight, going up against a lone Jimmy. I’m assuming Jey and Bubba are gonna trade blows outside the ring at some point during this match, considering they also look ready to fight.
Bubba grabs a mic and says he knows everyone wants them to put someone through a table. Well, he’s partly right — I do enjoy people going through tables, don’t get me wrong, but. Well… sorry, boys, but you don’t have to be the ones to do it. You don’t have a copyright on table-related violence.
The match is… incredibly freaking short. No, really. I just timed it from bell to bell, and it was forty-five seconds. What the hell do I even recap here? Distraction rollup, by the way, so there wasn’t even anything incredibly interesting happening in the ring. I won’t double check, but I suspect Bubba spent more time on the mic than D’Von spent in the ring. King calls this strategy. I call this boring.
After a replay of Raw’s shocking return (here comes the monaaayyyy~!) we get to watch AJ and Jericho playing nice. Or rather, Jericho basically fawning over AJ and then the both of them wondering who to tag with against the too-comical New Day. Mark Henry answers the question for them, and there’s a bit of a stand-off between the two former champs while AJ kind of stands on the side and wonders why Funaki didn’t give him his phone number. Was their time together not special? Will AJ ever find true love?! Only time will tell. Eventually Mark Henry is satisfied with the sound of Jericho’s crushed hand and thwacks AJ’s shoulder in a friendly manner before stalking away to prepare for their match. AJ’s probably gonna need Jericho to pop that shoulder back in.
And speaking of guys who definitely know their own strength, weeeell… here’s Big Show, happily greeting the audience on his way to the ring. Y’all, I think he’s got an adorable smile and I’m not even sorry.
Oh, but before KO’s entrance we get a reminder that the Godfather is gonna be inducted into the Hall of Fame, and King crows about how that guy is his fave, as if we didn’t already know how sleazy King is. Blech.
Okay, here comes KO. Who does not look happy to be here. At all. I… really like this. A lot. This is weird. I like a match with Big Show in it. What is my life?
Senton splash and a sidepress pin for a… one count. One. KO is really going at Show, but I’m not sure this is gonna be enough. I mean, Show does one open hand chop and KO is out of the ring struggling to breathe. He gets back into the ring, but this is a terrible idea, because chokeslam’d! Which, according to Mauro, ‘realigns the spine and jacks the back.’ Never change, Mauro. Show attempts to set up for some kind of corner drop thing but KO’s on him and… Show falls off and hits his dangly bits on the rope. “Anybody up for scrambled eggs?” Bad Mauro, stop that… tee hee.
…Oh. Winner by countout: KO. Because Show was too busy cradling his dangly bits outside the ring. That was… disappointing. Hm.
Nattie match! We’ve got a Nattie match! And she’s got her entrance! And she’s going up against… Bex?! Bex and Nattie! They tap hands after the bell for sportsmanship because they’re both faces and super nice, and the match is… good! There’s a great back and forth, and I can watch them all day. The only thing I’m vaguely worried about is that the audience may not know who to root for. Nattie finally gets Bex with a german suplex, which sends our Lass Kicker outside of the ring.
Before Nattie can pull Becky back in, there’s an appearance by Team BAD, who jump on Nattie and then attempt to attack Bex, but — sudden Sasha for the save! Sasha and Becky stand tall, only to get Charlotte and her lich king dad strolling in to tell them that they’ve got a number one contender-ship match this Monday on Raw. Oh boy! Of course, I’m just sitting here wondering where Natalya went, and how long it’s gonna take for her to snap and go after the title herself. I want my tiny queen of cats to reign victorious, okay?
After a commercial it’s my favorite precious babies, #SOCIALOUTCASTS! Heath Slater aka Red Dragon aka Heathy Baby is gonna go up against… R-Truth! Except before the match can start, Goldie comes out, supposedly to just watch the match. The crowd keeps chanting ‘GOLDEN TRUTH’ though, because who doesn’t want to watch Goldie fuck up everything? Goldie takes his place in the neutral corner, and the match finally starts.
R-Truth eventually does a little dance, while Axel grows increasingly flaily and angry behind him, offended that Truth would dare hip thrust in Heath’s general direction. Heath and Adam have a lovely relationship, Truth, don’t break up this family! Truth pretty much controls the entirety of this match, despite attempts from Rose and Bo to get on the apron. Truth tries to get Heath in a pin, and Goldie comes in with a thwack at Heath, making it incredibly easy for Truth to get that pin for the win. Goldie touches himself and winks. I can’t believe I typed that sentence in 2016.
After yet another ‘last time on Raw’ covering the Ambrose/Lesnar shenanigans, we get the New Day entering with their usual fanfare and booty bouncing. Our favorite unicorns titter about Mark Henry thinking he’s the strongest (Xavier is, apparently) and then Xavier christens the Y2AJ ship the S.S. Jeristyles. He also lets it be known that the New Day bathe together. I fully expect New Day sailor AU fanfic now. Give me the New Day ship, on an actual ship. Y’all know you’d read that, don’t even lie.
Y2AJ and Mark Henry enter, and the New Day yell at poor Byron for a minute. It’s okay, Byron, I stil like you! I may, however, be the only one left. This match is… well. It’s certainly a match. It’s got booty shaking, dad rocker screaming, and some great teamwork. Eventually Y2AJ and Mark Henry stand in the center of the ring and start… hip swiveling. Why, though. Why are you doing this to me. What have I done to deserve this fresh hell. Xavier screams “Nooooo!” from the outside and honestly? Same, dude.
Mauro sasses King pretty much the whole time, by the way, in case you wanted to know one of the many reasons I like the guy. New Day dominates Jericho and get their unicorn stampede on, followed by more gyrating. “When Big E Dances he looks like a penguin at a hula hoop contest.” Oh my god, Byron. Kofi’s doing some great stuff, and then Xavier does some great teamwork moves, and AJ saved his boyfriend from a pin but Big E is so grossed out by AJ touching him with those tacky gloves. Eww.
Jericho finally squiggles out of Big E’s Big Ending, lands a high kick to his face, and tags his bae AJ in, who pulls off some sweet, sweet moves and then tags Mark Henry in. Things get hairy for everybody for a hot minute there, everyone landing moves on everyone, and eventually Xavier and AJ are left in the ring. Xavier wants to get a rollup going on, but AJ turns it into the Calf Crusher for a tap out win. Hooray, I guess! Y2AJ and Mark Henry celebrate, and Jericho wonders to himself how they’re gonna ditch Mark Henry for their private celebration later. No post-match shenanigans here, just a clean win and happy faces (and disgruntled heels). And that is how we end Smackdown, apparently!
Shoulda eaten your Booty-O’s tonight, boys.