In the interest of balance, your recapper would like to let you know that she is wearing one of her Dean Ambrose t-shirts tonight. However, I’m also wearing my Undertaker sweats, because let’s face it – tonight? Someone’s getting fucking buried. I’ve also been awake since 6am and the kick-off show starts at midnight, I’m on very strong opiate painkillers, and I have to be quiet because my wife has an interview tomorrow. It’s a busy time in our household.
So, let’s get underway with the kick-off show I shouldn’t have to watch, but I do, because they’ve shoved the US title on this. I get it, we’ve watched Kalisto and Del Rio square off a few times now, it’s not as fresh as it once was, but at least they’re mixing it up by making it two out of three falls.
The wonderful Renee Young welcomes us to Fastlane, and I like what she’s done with her hair. We’ve got Corey Graves, Booker T, and Jerry (oh god) Lawler. Who starts us off by insulting Renee’s outfit. Wow, classy. We’re talking about how many injuries we’ve had, ahahaha. Rich Brennan is in the social media lounge, because I guess Tom Phillips wasn’t allowed to come out to play tonight, he’s got a lot of homework to do.
We’re talking about the US Title match, and Lawler pulls out the joke ‘he’s so short, his mask smells of feet’, which is a joke he made last PPV. Your material is stale. You can actually see Renee and Corey giving each other little glances like ‘please, protect me from the insane people sitting between us’. They’ll get coffee tomorrow and talk it over, poor things. At least Lawler isn’t allowed to sit near queen Renee.
We get a recap of Daniel Bryan’s retirement, because I was totally down to cry BEFORE the ambreigns break up, yeah. Brie is talking about her sister’s injury, and how hard it is to be the smallest out of the three, but the one left to fight. Is this Diva’s title match just Ric Flair vs. Daniel Bryan? Could be. God, this is so emotional, Brie saying she’ll be wearing her husband’s kickpads tonight, and I’m getting super sniffly. Thankfully Lawler is here to make everything mean nothing with tasteless jokes, and Corey Graves is here to have glasses that don’t fit his face. I still can’t get over Renee’s hair, and her top, and just… why is she so perfect? She’s the only thing that makes the kick-off show vaguely bearable.
There’s an advert for the main event of the PPV we’re already watching… okay – and a brief glimpse of Seth as we watch people who once got murdered by Brock Lesnar. Hi Seth! We miss you, man. This whole ad is there to show the break up of Dean and Roman, and to show us all the points which have brought tension between the three men, which means showing the cracks between Dean and Roman.
Paul Heyman is here to get everyone over, because he’s the only one who can. He says Lesnar’s been preparing for this fight, and he says Brock’s name so many times that it loses all meaning. He says he hopes that Roman and Dean set up for a handicap match, because he will divide and conquer. God, I’m almost rooting for Lesnar at this point – and the network freezes. Awesome, thanks, not like I’m trying to work or anything. He says that this match is really just a formality, because it will be Brock Lesnar facing Triple H at WrestleMania, and there’s not a damn thing Roman Reigns or Dean Ambrose can do about it.
Jerry Lawler says that he doesn’t like music in wrestling, and that it doesn’t belong. Okay, Jerry, no more themes for anyone, I guess, we’ll just have everyone enter in silence. Also AJ Styles will be in the social media lounge, finally answering my tweets as to why he’s a homophobe. Hopefully.
We see Dolph Ziggler, who’s decided to wear cornrows, instead of any other braided style. Dolph, we trusted you, we never expected you to disappoint us like this! We wanted fishtail braids or French braid pigtails or something. Dolph says he’s going to go back to being Dolph, and we’re here in his hometown, so he’s got family and friends with him. Booker T derails our conversation to say Jojo was looking hot, and Renee’s like ‘yeah, duh’. Looking forward to seeing the Dolph Ziggler vs. Kevin Owens match, just because these two can always sell a match, even if it has nothing behind it.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Kalisto – United States Championship Match
Oh my god, Mauro is on commentary tonight! Have I died and gone to heaven? This is the best thing in the world. I’m so, so happy to see him. We’re hitting that Kalisto vs. Del Rio match now – Kalisto holding the US title for the moment, so let’s see what’s going to happen in this match. Lillian Garcia to introduce, and I will never tire of her speaking Spanish when she announces.
Del Rio gets an early start, tugging on the mask, and being aggressive as he opens up with a few grapples. Del Rio is wearing red, because clearly we want to stop him, with Kalisto in green, for go on son, beat that guy. An early hurricanrana sends Del Rio to the outside, and Kalisto comes over the top rope onto him, for good measure. Early attempt at a fall from Del Rio, but it’s only a one out. Del Rio stands around flexing and my damn network is pausing. Awesome.
Del Rio goes to drive Kalisto into the ringpost, but he dodges, Del Rio into the post instead, and then Kalisto sending Del Rio into the barricade, then over it and into the time keepers’ area. Del Rio comes up flying with a chair, waving it into Kalisto, and the winner of the first fall is Kalisto – Del Rio has just handed Kalisto a win.
However, this means that Kalisto is battered and bruised, Del Rio having got out the aggression he wanted on Kalisto’s smaller body. Del Rio obviously believes it will give him an easier time of it to get the second and third falls, so he can get the win. There’s a very, very fast double stomp spot from Del Rio, and I usually complain that’s a slow, ungainly spot, but he makes it fast and believable, and it knocks the breath out of Kalisto. Del Rio covers him for the second fall of the night, making it one all.
Kalisto is slumped outside of the ring, with the ref trying to check if he’s okay, and Del Rio just takes him down with a very easy lariat, Kalisto falling where Del Rio puts him. Once more, Del Rio goes for the mask, and has Kalisto dangling off the ropes for chest kicks. He leaves him dangling off the ropes, but Kalisto hits a hell of a Frankensteiner off the ropes, throwing Del Rio down, and then a springboard senton off the ropes as well. There’s a pin from Kalisto, but Del Rio kicks out at two and a half.
This isn’t a bad warm up match, with the crowd reacting as they should, with cheers for Kalisto and boos for Del Rio, and once more, Del Rio gets Kalisto hooked up on the ropes. Del Rio gets a hell of a move off the top rope, but Kalisto rolls out of the ring before Del Rio can get the cover. Del Rio grabs up a chair again, but throws it aside, not willing to get a loss by disqualification. He hangs Kalisto over the barricades to the timekeepers area, and double stomps him off it, then hangs out in the ring as the count gets to 9 – but Kalisto slides back in.
Once back in, Del Rio hangs Kalisto off the ropes again, but he misses his double stomp, and that gives Kalisto the energy he needs to surge forward and throw Del Rio into the turnbuckle, missing a salida del sol, but picking up the win anyway! Our little Lucha champion saves the US title from the clutches of the evil Del Rio!
AJ Styles talks to Rich Brennan in the social media lounge, and he says he was pleased by the reaction he got for showing up at the Royal Rumble, that WWE is the major leagues, and that he was inspired to become a wrestler by a smaller football player, who showed he didn’t need to be the biggest guy to keep on going. AJ’s hair says ‘I’m an emo’ but his voice says ‘I just bought a motorcycle because this is my midlife crisis’. I just don’t know. I’m also upset no one interrupted that boring moment.
Dear WWE Network, I pay for you, so can you please try not to stutter during segments I’m trying to watch? That would be great, thanks, but then I guess the WWE don’t have the best track record in having things you have to pay for actually be worth the money. It would be nice if this was, though, guys. Just… saying.
Okay, we’re in, and it’s the start of the PPV proper. I’ve realised I’m going to have to sit upright for three more hours, and not even my BuTrans patches are going to make that work. After some rearranging with pillows, we are ready for the start.
Apparently we’re going to be starting off strong, with Sasha coming out for our first of two Diva’s matches tonight.
Becky Lynch & Sasha Banks vs. Tamina & Naomi – Four Man Tag Match
I’m very unhappy because Mauro was there for commentary of the pre-show match, but now they’ve put him back in his box or something. Maybe he’s still not feeling well enough to do a whole PPV.
The women all look incredible, and I’m so excited for this match! There’s an earlier segment with Tamina and Naomi talking about how they’re family, and Sasha isn’t their boss. Becky and Sasha start off arguing as to who’s going to go first, and Naomi takes advantage to take them down. Tamina is, getting Becky into the corner and then tagging in Naomi. A flurry of kicks from Naomi, but Becky hit a suplex to get Naomi out of the ring, Tamina checking on her friend, but Becky and Sasha come to break it up outside the ring.
Becky is left on the floor on the outside of the ring, Tamina and Naomi quite happy to let her be counted out, Sasha leading a clap to raise her battered teammate. Becky gets back in just in time to beat the count, and Tamina is going to town on her, gets a good cover in for two, before pulling Becky into a submission move. Tamina’s happy to work Becky over for a little while, showing off her strength, before tagging in Naomi for a huge leg drop, and another near fall, before Naomi takes on working over poor Becky.
Becky goes to finally make a tag, and Naomi pulls Sasha out of the way, leaving Becky with nowhere to go. She ends up outside the ring, at the mercy of Naomi out there, but Becky manages to get back in, and kick both Tamina and Naomi away from her, to finally get the tag. Sasha tagged in goes to work on Naomi, with vicious kicks and then knees to the chest in the corner, before throwing Naomi into the corner. She tries to lock the Bank Statement in, but Tamina pulls her free. Distracted, Sasha gets his with Rear View from Naomi, and there’s a near fall for Sasha.
When the women get themselves up again, Tamina and Naomi go for a double suplex, but Sasha lands on her feet, and sends both women flying. The match ends with Sasha and Becky both putting their submission holds on, and Naomi and Tamina tap out! That was a hell of a match, some real storyline, and a spectacular fight – and that segment was FOURTEEN MINUTES LONG. That’s how you do it, WWE. I knew you could get it right. That was absolutely awesome, and I loved every second of it.
Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler – Intercontinental Title Match
Owens out first, because he doesn’t care about tradition, and tonight it’s Murderbear vs. Cultural Appropriation Dude, and you’re do pretty Dolph, and this is your hometown, but I’m just not feeling it tonight, because of those cornrows. Bad choice of hair, and your hair is what I love about you. So tonight I’m firmly behind Murderbear for the win.
Dolph starts off early, sending KO into the ropes, and Owens is quick to get him thrown off him. He takes the aggressive side quickly, throwing Dolph into the ropes and dragging him around, shoving Dolph into a headlock as he says ‘your hometown likes me more than you’. Accurate. Owens takes down Dolph with a shoulder tackle, pinning him, but there’s an easy kick out, and this is coming across as a real test of strength match, which is great to see.
KO goes to get Dolph on his shoulders, and Dolph lands on his feet, a huge dropkick to KO, and then KO takes Dolph back by slamming him into the turnbuckle. Owens is happy to take advantage of what looks like Dolph getting hit with a turnbuckle to the throat, lifting him by the hands and slamming him back into the mat. He gets another near-fall, and Dolph is practically crawling around the ring now, trying to keep out of the way, but still with enough strength to kick out. Another headlock to Dolph, but he powers out, coming back and taking KO down with a clothesline, before a swinging head breaker. There’s a senton from KO, but Dolph kicks out at two again.
Yet another headlock from Owens to Ziggler, but once Ziggler’s out of it again, he’s doing his best to show some sort of aggression. Ziggler in the corner, and Owens heads toward him, Dolph diving out of the way and sending KO into the turnbuckle. He gets back into the ring, and once more, Dolph dodges out of the bear’s way. Ziggler hits a neckbreaker, and then four elbow drops, but Owens kicks out easily of the pin.
Ziggler is left curled in pain in the corner, and Owens hits the cannonball, gets a pin, but Ziggler kicks out at two once more. At least KO is pulling Dolph’s hairstyle apart. Dolph manages to come off the ropes with an elbow, hits a DDT, and there’s yet another near fall, both men on the floor of the ring, getting their bearings. Dolph keeps going for it, putting KO on the top rope, taking him up there, but the spot coming off the ropes leaves both men down on the mat. Dolph has the awareness to roll out of the ring so an exhausted Owens can’t pin him
Owens climbs out to take Dolph apart, but he manages to hit a superkick as the official’s count gets to four. Up at seven, Dolph rolls Owens back into the ring, determined to take the championship. A kick from Owens to Ziggler, and both men are flat again. There’s another kick, this time from Ziggler to Owens, and Ziggler actually falls into the pin position – but Owens rolls out of the ring quickly. KO takes Dolph off the apron, and looks like he’s going for the pop-up powerbomb outside the right. Dolph fights out and sends Owens head first into the steps from a hurricanrana.
Ziggler once more fights Owens back in, hits a Famouser, and gets the pin for two and a half, both men slowly wearing each other down. The chant rises ‘this is awesome’ because it’s a hell of an intense match. Ziggler gets some good kicks in, but Owens finally hits the pop-up powerbomb, Owens retains his title! He snatches it from the ref like an angry child with a treat, and both men lie, spent, in the ring. Owens heads out, enjoying the boos, holding the IC title in his teeth, like that hasn’t just been on Dean.
The Titans vs. The Wyatts – Six Man Tag Match
Big Show, Ryback and Demon Kane are enjoying talking about sending the Wyatts to hell. Okay, I can deal with that, that sounds like somewhere they’d like to go for a holiday. Then we get a Wyatt promo that has legitimately the best spooky swamp witch music ever. This war of the horsemen against the titans is actually being really nicely sold here – I’m looking forward to a match with Big Show in it? Bray has a new shirt, so that’s nice for him, clearly someone took him shopping in Cleveland. Eden is our announcer for this one, and she’s looking stunning as per usual, as the good guys come out. Bray Wyatt gets Byron Saxton’s chair as Kane comes in, and the titans are here. Let’s get this show on the road.
Ryback to start against Rowan, and Rowan’s taking the kicks to the big guy, though it isn’t long before our favourite Goldberg lookalike hits a huge dropkick on the ginger wonder, and then tags in Big Show to drag the lost little lamb around. There’s a huge hit where the sound echoes around the arena, before Ryback is tagged back in for a slugfest. Harper tagged in with some chops to Ryback, who’s almost cringing in the corner, but he gets a corner splash before harper his Ryback with a dropkick. It’s time for their own titan to be tagged in, Strowman flinging Ryback into the corner turnbuckle so hard Ryback bounces back, flying across the ring. Rowan’s tagged back in, and Big Show tries to raise a ‘feed me more’ chant, but everyone’s gone for a piss break.
Demon Kane tagged in, and Rowan gets flung down onto the mat, Kane getting the first pin of the match, but Rowan kicks out at two. Kane doesn’t just keep the action in the ring, flinging Harper around and getting a huge kick to Strowman, before he’s trying to get back in, taking a boot to the face from Rowan. Strowman climbs in, punishing Kane with Harper, who takes over for this slugfest. This isn’t the world’s most interesting match, spotwise, but I’m quite involved in the storyline, so I’m not sure I mind. Harper gets Kane into a headlock, but the demon powers his way out, and Harper tags in Strowman to take over. Kane ducks out of the way of Strowman in the corner, the huge black sheep ending up on the floor outside of the ring.
Harper and Ryback in, with high running knees from Ryback to Harper, and once he’s up he’s just throwing Harper over and over into the ground, going for the pin, but Rowan comes in and breaks it up. Big Show goes for a chokeslam to Strowman, and sends him over the top rope, before sending Harper over to join him and Rowan. Big Show ends up on them, too, and then it’s Harper and Ryback in the ring again. Harper gets a near fall, but Ryback kicks out, and slams Harper into the mat, taking the pin for three. The titans have won over the swamp boys – and I’m a little disappointed we’re once more watching the Wyatts die to older men. I really hoped they’d win this one.
Jojo is looking lovely, and interviewing Roman Reigns. She wants to know if his relationship with Dean is going to stay the same – but he says it’s all going out of the window, and a lot of things are going to change. Dean’s here, too, and he says Roman’s right, and that someone’s going to be stood on the side of the road waiting for a ride. Dean says he’s already booked the travel, and Jojo reminds them that they need to beat Brock Lesnar, and he says when he sees someone standing across from Triple H at the main event at WrestleMania, he sees… one of them. Roman agrees.
Charlotte vs. Brie Bella – Diva’s Championship Match
Brie is out being adorable, and then Charlotte is here with the mummified corpse she calls a father. Brie is wearing ring gear that’s more like Nikki’s than her usual, and that’s really sweet to see, along with her hubby’s kickpads, because this is all about family for her.
We start off with a grapple, as per usual, and Charlotte mocks the yes chants, before Brie is at her back bending her over and slamming her into the mat. Charlotte gets Brie’s head between her knees, rolling her over, but she breaks free and slugs at Charlotte. Brie gets a knee to Charlotte’s head, and they’re both keeping well away from Ric as the ‘yes’ chants give way to ‘wooo’. Brie manages to turn being through into an arm drag, and then mocks the woo and Ric’s weird walk thing. Brie gets the cover using Nikki’s moves, but Charlotte kicks out. Yes kicks from Brie to Charlotte, but she rolls out and then grabs Brie when she comes over, and throws her into the barricade.
At some point Charlotte’s elbow starts bleeding, and Charlotte says ‘where’s your sister now’ to Brie, before taking her down for more punishment, yanking at her shoulders and trying to make her submit after she landed on the back of her neck on the apron. Brie is looking really strong in this, and the crowd is firmly behind her as she locks in a sleeper hold, Charlotte dropping backwards to get a cover, trying to make sure Brie stays down. She’s back up, though Charlotte gets Brie’s head between her knees again, trying to force a tap and submission. Kip up by Charlotte, the ref with gloves on now because of the blood, and there’s Brie Mode and a running knee, Charlotte rising up, right into forearms from Brie.
Brie gets a pin, Charlotte kicking out at two, but Brie rallies, bringing Charlotte up by the hair, walking right into those Flair chops, another pin for two from Brie. Charlotte takes Brie down, leaving her limp in the middle of the ring, looking for the figure eight, but there’s a dropkick from Brie, taking Charlotte to the outside, then kicking her off the apron as well. Brie goes to the top rope after throwing Charlotte back in, but she lands awkwardly, holding her left leg. Charlotte rallies a little, but Brie brings the Yes Kicks, and takes a limp Charlotte down for another two count.
Charlotte looks like she’s flat down, but she rallies for the figure eight, Brie turning it into the Yes Lock. She then gets a half crab as Ric tries to interfere, the ref getting in the way and stopping it. Charlotte fights her way out, and gets Brie’s bad leg into the figure eight, making Brie tap out. What a hell of a match, and making both women look so strong, but in the end, Charlotte overcame, because they need her for Mania. I’m glad she won clean, though, without the interference of her father, because in the end, it wasn’t about him. It was about Brie, wanting to fight when her husband and her sister and her sort-of brother-in-law can’t – and she did that. Also? Seventeen minutes, that segment. So we got 31 minutes of women wrestling, and it was all absolutely phenomenal. I’m really happy about that.
Chris Jericho vs. AJ Styles
Jojo is talking to Jericho backstage, saying that he respects AJ, but he’s not sure he likes him much, and that another loss might mean he gets sent packing out of the WWE. Chris says he’s the best in the world and that AJ might be good, might even be great – but phenomenal? We’ll find out.
We start off with these two grabbing at each other in a move that makes it look as if they’re trying to shove hands down each other’s pants, AJ trying for an early fall, but this is a PPV, Jericho doesn’t go down so easy anymore. Jericho’s trunks have the year on them, because he uses ring gear like a calendar, as AJ goes for the calf crusher, Jericho getting out of it, and out of the ring. As AJ stands on the outside, the chants duel, ‘AJ Styles’ ‘Y2J’ battling as the two duke it out in the ring. AJ goes for another pin after he gets a huge knee to Jericho’s face, but Jericho fights out and sends a knee to Style’s face. AJ counters with a dropkick to Jericho, followed by a suplex, and Jericho looks like he’s really feeling it. Back body drop with immense height from Jericho to Styles, and then he tosses him out of the ring, and follows him, slamming him into the barricades. Chris rolls AJ back in, and my god, these two are hard on the furniture.
Both men end up on the outside, Jericho limping a little, taking AJ by the hair and throwing him back in. He pins Styles, but AJ won’t let him have an easy win, then fights his way out of a submission hold, too. I still love watching these two work, and there’s a gorgeous spot with AJ coming off the ropes with a little flip of a move, pinning Jericho for two, and I would pay such good money to see Seth and AJ fight. Jericho gets another pin for two, they two of them just trading falls at this point, Jericho doing his best to showcase all of AJ’s moves, taking the punishment to show us just how strong AJ is.
There was a small botched spot where AJ fell over without actually being touched, but Jericho did a Lionsault so I don’t care, because it was beautiful. Eventually, Styles looks like he’s flagging, Jericho taking him to the top rope, but Styles slithers free and lets Jericho drop, jaw first, onto the turnbuckle. Jericho interrupts the springboard forearm with a dropkick, sending AJ off the rope and dropping him to the mat. Jericho goes for a suplex but it met with a counter from Styles, then a few big hits to drive Jericho back into the corner, but Jericho slaps him away. Jericho looks stunned on the top rope, but as Jericho comes up, gets him down on the ground and locks in the Walls of Jericho. AJ manages somehow to crawl to the bottom rope, upsetting Jericho, who flings AJ right into the barricade, his head hitting with some force.
Jericho looks like he’d be happy to take a disqualification victory, but then he climbs out, and puts a Lion Tamer on AJ. He lets him go and climbs back into the ring as the count is at seven, but as AJ climbs back in at nine, Jericho hits him with Codebreaker. Jericho looks like he’s going to get the pin, but AJ counters, and then hits a Styles Clash, but Jericho somehow manages to kick out of the pin. Jericho gets put in the Calf Crusher, and he’s doing his best to crawl to the ropes – but he taps.
There’s another one of those spots where AJ and Chris just stare at each other like lovers desperate to kiss, but knowing they can’t in front of the crowd. Chris holds out his hand for AJ to shake, like he keeps on doing, and AJ nods, shakes it, and they’re all friends again. Aww. Bless them.
The WWE Network is fighting me again, but it’s only the kick-off panel, so I don’t mind when it freezes on Renee Young and all I have to look at is her. We get a recap of the rest of the PPV, too.
Edge and Christian are here for the Cutting Edge Peep Show, in jeans and leather jackets, saying that they’re going to do some self-promotion. They namedrop Lance Storm, which makes me giggle, because he’s awesome, and they say they’re really happy to be back.
The New Day are out early, not waiting to be introduced. Apparently no one cares what Edge and Christian have to say, because it’s out with the old in with the New Day. They’re dressed like Run-DMC again, and Xavier does a trust fall into Kofi, but Edge doesn’t want to catch Christian. E&C say that The New Day are their spiritual successors. There’s some more trading of jibes, and I’m actually quite enjoying this, because these guys are pretty funny together.
They insult the League of Nations, and then out they come to the ring to face off against the New Day, who are backing away a little. They head out, and the League of Nations intimidate them, sending them out of the ring, sending them packing. It’s brilliant, a little Spanish from Del Rio about making Edge retire, and Barrett growling about bullhammers, and it’s brilliant. I know it’s just there to promote Edge and Christian’s little WWE Network show, but I don’t even care, because it was a super cute segment, it was really funny, and it showed the good side of everyone. I’m down for that. Plus? It gave my hands a rest before this main event makes me type like a demon.
The Social Outcasts are here? Okay, I wasn’t expecting this, but I’m not going to complain, because they’re all having a chat, and Bo is telling us about road safety. Adam Rose agrees, so I guess he’s the one who drives the car while baby Bo sleeps in the backseat. I don’t know where they keep Curtis Axel, but I image he sleeps in the trunk on long drives. So… apparently this is a match I didn’t know we were having, which is R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel. R-Truth proves to us that he can count to four, by doing so, and then we’re off.
Truth has some gorgeous flexibility spots, of course, because that’s what we like to show off from him, and then he gets Axel on the ropes, but the Social Outcasts pull him away, and do their victory lap as Axel rallies in the ring. Goldust shows up to stand around and try to take out the Social Outcasts for Truth, but he throws Adam Rose into the ring and makes Truth jump over him, making him off balance, letting Curtis Axel take the win. Goldie goes to help Truth up, and seems to be apologising, but Truth is having none of it. He makes his way out of the ring, leaving Goldie standing there, alone, looking like he’s about to break into ‘On My Own’.
Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar – No 1. Contender Match
We get one final recap of what this is all about, and just what is on the line tonight. Dean is out first, to a huge pop of course, because he’s the most over guy in the company, and if he doesn’t win tonight, I’m going to be upset. Next out is Roman, ambling down to be fondled by the crowd again, as that’s his fetish, and Dean’s got some new merch on. I need that shirt. Okay, well, we’ve got the two brothers in the ring, and people are already booing Roman, with his golden logo. Out comes Brock Lesnar, with Heyman at his side, and now is NOT the time for the network to stutter!
Here we go, guys. This is what we’ve been waiting for. Dear god, this is going to be complicated, my hands are going to hurt, and I’m probably going to cry when ambreigns break up. I’ve got tissues, I’m okay. The crowd are booing Roman from the second he’s announced, which is pretty heart-breaking to be honest, and Heyman does his own announcement for Lesnar, of course. Okay. I’m ready, I can do this.
Before the bell even rings, Lesnar is right after Dean, but then Roman gets in the wat and Dean climbs out of the ring, as Lesnar suplexes Roman. Dean comes in to fight Lesnar off Reigns, but is quickly shooed away again, taking a break on the outside of the ring. Second German suplex to Roman, who sells it like a dying fish, and then Dean’s hitting Lesnar with a missile dropkick. Dean tries for a German of his own, but gets a belly to belly instead. Roman slams Brock’s head down onto the ropes, then drags him out, but Lesnar tosses him aside as if he’s nothing. Dean does a suicide dive onto Brock, caught in a bear hug, and then it’s another suplex to Roman as the ‘Suplex City’ chants rise. Another German to Roman, who takes his time getting up, before Lesnar hits Roman for an F5, but Dean breaks the pin. He wants to win, not Lesnar.
Dean does his best to throw Brock around, giving him a slap, but Brock gives him the knees, and stands on his abdomen, before throwing him into another suplex. Dean seems to be struggling to get to his feet, and then there’s another German suplex from Lesnar. Dean’s still grinning, in that way he does when he’s taking punishment, and he takes another German. Dean looks like he’s going to eat an F5, but Roman breaks it up with a spear, pinning Lesnar for two, and the beast looks like he’s struggling. Roman hits him with a Superman Punch, and Brock rolls out of the ring. Roman comes round the outside, and Brock catches him in the right position for an F5, but Dean hits Lesnar with a low blow. Roman and Dean take apart the German announce table together, and you can see them making eye contact, Ambrose setting Lesnar up and hoisting Brock onto Roman’s shoulders, the two of them throwing him through the announce table in a spot not unlike the triple powerbomb of the Shield.
Now it’s down to the two of them, Dean beckoning Roman into the ring, but slamming him into the steps instead, taking him into the ring and unleashing a volley of punches. A running bulldog from Dean, and then a flying elbow off the top rope, pinning Roman for two. Dean really wants this. He rises up, going for a neckbreaker, but Roman gets out of it, the two trading blows until Dean is another flurry of punches. The two men lie in the ring, and the Beast is rising – you can see Dean say ‘he’s up’ and pointing at Brock. Dean goes to Lesnar, punches to his gut, the two of them throwing him into the barricades.
Dean takes apart the actual announce table this time, and Dean and Roman have a muttered conversation, hand gestures as to what they’re going to do to Lesnar, and once more, he’s through the announce table with a double powerbomb, Dean and Roman taking a second to catch their breaths before going after each other. They then bury him in the table rubble, and as Dean goes to jump on it a bit, Roman throws a huge punch and they’re both back in the ring. Roman has Dean in the corner for the clotheslines, winding up for a huge punch that sends Dean to the floor. Roman lifts him from a pin, setting him on the top rope, and has to let go due to elbows, but Dean comes off the top rope right into a Superman Punch.
Roman roars at the crowd, but Dean counters the spear with a knee, and then hits Dirty Deeds, with a kick out of the pin at two and a half. Dean looks like he’s almost crying with it as Roman lies on the mat, and Dean points at the WrestleMania sign as the crowd chant ‘this is awesome’. He goes for Dirty Deeds again, and Reigns lifts him up high, then Lesnar comes out of nowhere and suplexes both of them at once. Dean rolls out of the ring, and Lesnar staggers to his feet, a spear from Roman taking back down, but he’s not as down as Roman thinks, because Brock gets the kimura lock in, and actually fights his way out, before Dean comes back with a chair to Lesnar’s back over and over, getting him to break the lock.
He then takes the chair to Roman and Brock alternately, Brock rolling out of the ring to get out of the way, and then while Dean is distracted with Lesnar, Roman hits him with a spear, pinning him…. And getting the win.
I’m… actually really, really disappointed. Roman sits crumpled in the ring, before he manages to crack a smile, alone. He stands high at the corner as the pyro goes off over the WrestleMania sign, and the music is trying to drown out the boos of the crowd. Out comes Triple H, jamming along to his own music, hoisting the title, and then the two men circle each other like sharks in the ring. They both look at the WrestleMania sign, and I just… really? We close out with Triple H holding the title up so Roman can see it properly, and then we fade to black.