Slightly longer Jax Snax. Part recap, part bullet points. All Jax! …I’m so sorry, y’all.
[Editor’s Note: previous Raw recap will be posted tomorrow as it’s almost midnight and I would like to sleep maybe.]
Ye Olde Recap Vid Package! Roman vs League of Nations at the Rumble, blah blah. This includes a slow motion shot of Trips and his glorious crotch chop. How lewd. Also, a lot more shots of Trips. Trips trips trips tr– triple threat match! End shot: Roman and Dean looking at each other like “Goddammit, who did we piss off to deserve this – oh yeah. The Authority. Well, shit.”
Oh, Mauro’s dulcet tones, how I missed thee. Also, Team Ambreigns is on Jeridad’s Highlight Reel tonight, as well as a… Neville/Kalisto US Title match, oh snap! I already like you, Mauro, you don’t need to sweeten the deal! But keep doing it anyway.
The New Day opens the show proper to a chorus of… piped-in boos, maybe? Which is hilarious, as the camera then turns to people legit cheering them happily.
- Mauro remembers Byron. Mauro remembers all. Mauro is now Pepperidge Farm.
And now a recap of last monday’s New Day/Rock segment because we’ve gotta milk this Rock showing, but this instead reminds me that I love the New Day’s Run DMC look. So stylish. At hearing Lawler call the People’s Elbow in the recap, Mauro says it “feels so good to hear you call that move again, King” although I suspect Mauro’s just happy Lawler actually called a move at all.
Back to the present, the New Day is shaming The Rock, aka THE PEOPLE’S BOOTY. Also THIS IS A PG SHOW so no more penises, you guys. The Miz interrupts them talking about DOO DOO MOUTH DWAYNE to say that he, too, was insulted and that he DESERVES RESPECT aaaand cue the Usos, sure. This ‘Miz Gets Interrupted’ thing is gonna get dragged out just like the ‘R-Truth Is Confused’ thing, isn’t it? Usos employ some WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA audience participation which is amusing but then follows it up by calling The Miz’s outfit a ‘pretty lil dress.’ Really? We’re doing this shit again? Blech.
New Day backs up their Miz bro by saying he’s got the ‘best mouth in the business’ which I think actually applies to Xavier, but okay! Also, they call him ‘Mike The Mouth’ and that’s cute. Time to accuse the Usos of ‘riding their cousins’ coattails’ which is kiiiind of true a little bit through no fault of their own? And the Usos are outnumbered, also. Oh no, whatever shall they dooooo?
They’re gonna adopt more Usos, of course! Titus is now an Uso. Sure, why not. Ziggler is also now Uso-flavored! I am so amused by them just straight up adopting Zigs, though I wish he had the facepaint like last time. Speaking of adoption, Titus adopted a billion kids for some kind of school scholar thing, and they’re in the audience. Millions of scholars, millions of scholars! Hooray, smart kids getting rewarded! Back in my day we just went to Medieval Times.
- Lawler calls saxton ‘BS’ and that makes me sad. 😦
Miz is absurdly angry at Jey’s dancing taunt. While the action is happening, Lawler calls out The Rock out for ’embarrassing a lot of people’ aaaand for once I am pleased with him for something other than a dad joke. I suspect this feeling will not last.
- Ziggler’s baseball slide is smoov af, damn.
- Miz and the New Day do the arm wavey thing. White boy dancing Miz, d’awww. Adopt him, guys!
- Mauro: ‘Has anyone asked what Xavier did with the money his parents gave him for trombone lessons?’ Ohhhhhh SNAP.
- Miz/Day has ‘coalesced very well’ says Mauro.
- Ziggler is adorable despite not doing all THAT much. Nice superkick as usual tho.
- Titus ends up in the audience with his honor students and gosh he’s cute with ’em.
Mauro calls Kalisto the ‘Dominion of Dynamo’ and this pleases me. Kalisto looks amay-yay-yay-yay-zing in white/silver, goddamn. But Neville is still wearing red and I am REALLY DISAPPOINTED ABOUT THE LACK OF PURPLE.
- Oh hey Eden on the mic! HAIL THE COSMIC QUEEN.
…Lawler apparently doesn’t want a luchador having the US title and Mauro IMMEDIATELY CALLS HIM OUT THANK YOU. Lawler’s going for super heel heat I guess, but it just sounds like ‘this white guy hates latin@s’ so I’m not sure how well this was executed.
“SHADES OF THE DYNAMITE KID” okay I don’t think I can state enough how much I enjoy Mauro. Also he calls it the Salida Del Sol thank you yes it’s not salina it’s SALIDA Mauro gets it okay THANK YOU BASED MAURO. Btw, NEVILLE/KALISTO IS FLIPPY SHIT X2 AND IT’S GREAT. Though I think nobody knows who to root for because they’re both basically faces.
- Random: I like Neville’s boot design. They should still be purple though. Raaah. 😡
- SUPER FRANKENSTEINER BY KALISTO
- MODIFIED SALIDA DEL SOL FOR THE WIN
- D’awww, handshake! I love face v face matches.
Jeridad with the loudest pop so far. Sparkly jacket. Very Liberachi. Also that look does not do his stomach any favors, sadly. I do wanna poke it though. Maybe that was what he wanted all along. Pillsbury Jeridough Boy. Hee hee, baybeh.
Piped-in cheers for the AJ mention, maybe? Weird. Meanwhile Dean’s pop is decidedly NOT piped-in and why is he bringing… are those lilies? “Trying to accentuate the beauty of the highlight reel,” says Saxton, so I guess he’s the sensitive one who is into interior decorating or something? I’m not judging him, I’m just judging the writers for giving that trait to the guy everyone likes to step on for shits and giggles. …Oh hey, Roman’s pop is also not piped! I am pleasantly surprised.
Roman does not know what Dean is doing with flowers because tonight’s not their date night. Dean wants to decorate poor Jericho’s set (omg Saxton was right TAKE THAT UNIVERSE yes I am now a Saxton Supporter). And for this sudden housewarming party, Roman gifts Jericho a… stool. Roman is bad at gift giving. LOL. Never change, Roman.
- LOOK AT THIS POTTED PLANT says v excitable dad Jericho.
- …potted plant gets cheers lol OKAY
- Animosity? “We’re not jealous people,” Roman replies. Clearly he and Dean are in an open relationship.
- “I’m gonna punch him right in the mouth.” “He just gave away his strategy.” Cue Ambreigns banter and oh my god they’re adorable, look guys I didn’t start out shipping these people they just fuckingship themselves at this point.
- “I’m indestructible, son.” Oh, Dean. “I’m the Iron Man of WWE.” Goddammit, Dean, like I need more reasons to compare you to MCU’s Tony Stark. You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you.
So Roman’s trying to warn his boy because no you don’t understand okay Lesnar’s gonna fuck you the fuck UP. And Dean’s like “I don’t have to beat Brock… I just gotta beat YOU.” Oh shit, son! And Roman replies with “Well it’ll be the first time, cuz you never have before.” OH SHIT, SON! Cue their little smirks tho because this is just how they flirt, y’all. Can somebody just… write me some sassy bantering Ambreigns fic now? …That’s already been written, hasn’t it.
Oh. Hello, Wyatts. AND NOW WE RIDE. Something something PASTURES OF HUBRIS. “We don’t know what you’re talking about. :T” Roman just wants to punch a dude, okay. SUCCEED ON YOUR QUEST says Bray, as he is now an quest giver NPC in the WWE RPG. It’s dangerous to go alone, take this sheep mask? Blah blah beware the apocalypse. Aaaand peace out!
Next up: SOCIAL OUTCAAAAAAAAASTS MY BOYYYYYYS.
They’re vaguely upset about AJ STYLES trending instead of them. ‘Phenomenal anomaly’ says Adam. Bo and Adam are also v sad about Axel losing the Rumble and ADAM DOES NOT KNOW WHAT PERSONAL SPACE IS AND IT IS GLORIOUS. Hug your poor disgruntled kid, Adam, it’s okay.
Then the Ax Man calls out AJ for some vengeance…
And an AJ Styles appears! Hey, buddy. I know you’re probably hella uncomfortable around my people, but I’m gonna soldier through this anyway. I like your floppy hair, though? And your gloves. Also if you don’t mind some suggestions I totallyt hink you should’ve kissed Jericho to throw him off. Yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket… ahem. Anyway, AJ vs AXEL, THE CHAINS ARE OFF!
- I kind of like how jiggly Axel looks.
- ‘Off to a superlative start’ says Mauro, using all the big words because no one else is.
Lawler rants about how nothing he did is worth anything unless it’s done in the WWE and let me tell you how fucking annoying this is. I guess it’s another heel heat thing? Maybe? Hopefully? Please?
- Axel’s actually putting on a good show! YOU GO AX MAN!
- LOL at the Outcasts attempting to interrupt. Styles takes them out easily, though. Womp womp.
- Suddenly: pele kicks for days!
- STYLES CLASH FOR THE VICTORY. This is clearly why this match existed, as he didn’t get to pull off a Styles Clash at the Rumble. It’s okay, though. I got to see my new fave stable.
Adam Rose is sitting cutely on the ropes. He is not amused at all! But he still looks adorable when he’s pouting. Heathy baby, please go hug your boyfriend. 😦
Next up: Charlotte (& Ric, ugh). Charlotte soaks in dem boos, yiss, best heel right now, I am so here for this. Just punch out your dad and you’ll be perfect, okay? Okay.
Oh shit, VS NATALYA?! Holy shit a real pop! Look at that awesome outfit. Oh hey, she also cut a video promo. “Get ready, ladies… because the Queen of Harts is back!“ I don’t say this often, or at all, but:YAAAAASS QUEEN SLAY.
- Nattie looks SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. Also fuck yeah Nattie’s skill! Charlotte’s surprised by this, as if she didn’t know other people who aren’t Flairs have skills. Or as if she, along with everyone else, damn near forgot Nattie existed. SIGH.
- …HA HA NATTIE CAUGHT HER FOOT. Yeah, what now!
- Ref interrupts and Charlotte kicks Nattie, booo ref.
- Charlotte is the “DIRTIEST DIVA IN THE GAME.” Nat’s gettin a beatdown, aw damn. Nattie sellin dat stretch but then promptly REVERSES IT HA HA. “YOU LIKE THAT HUH?!” And then wow Nat bends Charlotte FURTHER. ANYTHING YOU CAN DO NAT CAN DO BETTER~ ❤
- Nattie getting woo’d by Ric. Gross old man alert! Ew ew ew.
- Nattie caught in the Figure 8, will Nattie tap?
- …yes 😦
Charlotte puts Nattie into another leglock but then suddenly BECKY SIGHTING! And Charlotte retreats because she is allergic to lass kickers now. Yeah, you best get outta here. Plucky ol’ Becky is gonna protect Momma Nattie now.
Nikki segment. Speedy recovery, madame Bella! You may not be my fave diva but you visibly improved and you take your shit seriously. You also have a helluva forearm. Strong Style Nikki come back soon pls k ilu.
And now for something completely different!
- Why is R-Truth stretching. Omg is this– Goldie omg no. Oh good lord why.
- “We’re not even on a swing.“
- R-TRIZZLE. GOLDEN TRUTH. WRITTEN IN THE STARS. MY GROIN NEEDS A MASSAGE. OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.
Goddammit Goldie I want to hate you but you have fucking charisma for days. Also pleased that this time around Truth is less stupid and misinformed and more just plain paranoid, which is technically in character I guess. And who wouldn’t be vaguely paranoid around he-who-touches-himself-in-weird-ways-in-public!
Next up, the main event: Wyatts vs Ambreigns & Jericho.
Roman says hi to a lil kid before he gets to the ring. Everyone else is already here for this part. Sup, y’all. Fistbump to Deano. Jericho wearing purple and I legit say out loud ‘DID YOU STEAL PURPLE FROM NEVILLE YOU PURPLE HO YOU GIVE THAT BACK’. Hello, Y2J chant. Okay, heeeeere we go…
- ‘Intercontinental Champion Dean Ambrose’ says Mauro, with the respect Dean and his title deserve. Thank you for remembering that Dean is a current title holder!
- ROMAN GETS A POP. *fistpump*
Grouchy Old Man Lawler Sez: “NOBODY had a great night at the Royal Rumble! Except Triple H.” Bitch, you just salty because people had a good time. See also his grouchy “they don’t need to be PARTNERS” re: Dean and Roman tonight, insisting that their Fastlane match means they should totally be enemies, probably echoing the sentiment of a lotta loud sections of the internet. Lawler’s also salty because people have friends. WELL MAYBE IF YOU WERE NICER TO SAXTON I’M JUST SAYING.
- Jericho is quick and spritely for an old dude, damn.
- Jericho workin dat crowd just because he can. Ha haaa, ham it up in dat spotlight, Jeridad. You’re dorky but sometimes I still like you.
- MEANWHILE: Roman trash talking on the sidelines. Yeah, don’t think I didn’t see that, bb!
- The Wyatts are now ‘bearded backwoods brawlers’ because Mauro is fucking smooth.
- …Roman doing the excited Dean bounce on the apron next to Dean. LOLOL.
- Luke puts Jericho in a leg lock. “BREAK HIS LEG!” Bray cackles. How appropriately creeped out am I. o__o
- Dean riles up the audience! Jericho hulks up! More Y2J chants!
Saxton has ring psychology (?!!!!), explaining that a downed Jericho is being intentionally aimed at the Wyatt side of the ring so he loses his spirit from not being able to see his teammates. Saxton, I’m gonna keep you. Mauro, please protect poor tiny Saxton.
- Roman gets a boot to the face, womp womp. ‘Michinoku Driver to a big boot’ says Ma– wait no Lawler said that. …Wait, LAWLER said that? Lawler’s calling this match too? What’s going on here?!
- DEAN TAG! “Live in the moment, use your body as a weapon: that’s Dean Ambrose.” Yeah, okay, I’mreally liking Saxton tonight.
- I love how Mauro keeps dropping that ‘Intercontinental Champion’ title on a mention of Dean. Thank you for that. Warm fuzzies.
- Oh shit, rollup from an interrupted Sister Abigail for a – one count. D’oh.
“Ambrose paying tribute to British wrestler Les Kellett,” says Mauro, and I feel like that’s maybe an implied screw-you to Lawler’s previous spiel of the WWE being the only thing that matters. Name drop ALL the wrestlers, Mauro, mmmmyes. For bonus points, do it in a song in the style of Yakko Warner!
- Reigns HOT TAG! Judging by the cheers, the kids love him. And so do I~
- SPRINGBOARD DROPKICK FROM JERICHO TO BRAY WHOA HELLO
- DOUBLE SPRINGBOARD PLANCHAS DEAN/JERICHO AWW YISS
- SUPERMAN PUNCH TO LUKE’S PERPETUALLY CONFUSED FACE
- Oh shit, brown snowman Braun Strowman wipes out Roman
“Dean’s… partner, Roman Reigns…” Tee hee. Mauro was at the wedding, I guess! Mazeltov, kids. I hope Seth was the maid of honor.
Oh look, suddenly the Wyatts are ganging up on Roman, because that wasn’t predictable at all and– and… uh. Why is Big Show here. He’s… pissed? He’s pissed! And struttin’! And TAKES OUT ROWAN! AND TAKES OUT LUKE! EYYYYY.
- Bray and Strowman vs Big Show. I am marking out for this somehow k.
- STROWMAN/SHOW STARE OFF. Show decidedly not amused at Strowman’s antics, no sir.
- Whoops, all the Wyatts descend on Show, Bray “conducting this orchestra of violence.” Mauro, how about you just narrate my life from now on.
- Roman is up but Strowman has him by the throat– OH LORD BIG SHOW HAS STROWMAN BY THE THROAT, KIND OF MARKING OUT AGAIN??
- BRAY WITH A SISTER ABIG– NOPE NEVERMIND SUPERMAN PUNCH TO BRAY INSTEAD
- TEAM JERIDEAN DESCENDING ON ROWAN!
- Poor ol’ Luke is now surrounded by everyone. BIG SHOW GRABS LUKE AND PROMPTLY THROWS HIM INTO A ROMAN SPEAR. I am pleased with this teamwork!
And thus Smackdown ends, with our four faces being all friendly to each other. I now feel an overwhelming need to just end this entire thing with what I originally wrote last in my notes, because I still feel like this applies:
BIG SHOW!!!!!! OMG THIS FOURSOME IS MY FAVE NOW????? HOW DID THIS? HAPPENNN??????