We start SmackDown with a recap of the New Day being glorious on Raw, and Sheamus calling out Roman as the guy who made it all happen, with the punch back and stealing the belt before all the timer match stuff, and the Euroboys coming out to ruin Roman’s night. As this recap happens, I’m eating an orange, because fruit is good for you, and I already wrote about this on Monday. Read Monday’s recap if you want to know about Raw, I’m busy getting my vitamin C.
Finally, we’re up, and it’s Roman’s Boys in the ring to start us off. Roman starts off talking about family – 150 cousins, which is an in joke I have with a friend, so thanks, Ro – and he talks about how close he is with the Usos, and then taps Dean on the nipple, and says they could easily fill 30 years of memories. There’s a hug it out chant, which they go for, because they’re lovely, and then Roman says the Euroboys should never have got involved. But he’s got Sheamus one on one at TLC, so they won’t help him then – but he wants it now. He also does the weird resetting his jaw thing, which reminds me of when my TMJ gets really bad.
The Euroboys come out to meet Roman’s Boys, and Sheamus says they all have their green cards, except Rusev, but he’s working on it. He cracks some jokes about his new t-shirt design and everything, but Roman says he’d rather crack heads. Sheamus says that if he doesn’t want to be friends, then they’ll have to fight it out later tonight in a tag match.
The New Day wander out, Big E entering arse first, as I imagine he does everything, and they say it took them longer to throw the party for Sheamus than Roman was champion. Dean and The Usos have to earn the right to be on Roman’s team, by fighting the New Day, otherwise it really will be 1vs all.
Summer Rae and Tyler Breeze are walking backstage, Summer checking out Tyler’s arse and giving it a little smack that he jumps into, and then we have our next match. Summer looks good in neutral colours, oddly, her green and black looking better on her than pinks. Dolph is on commentary for this match against Neville, and Summer seems to have a new catchphrase in ‘It’s time to get gorgeous’. I like that.
We start with Tyler displaying himself in the corner, and then Tyler goes to work on Neville’s joints, holding the wrists and letting Neville do some kip ups to break the hold. Neville shows himself off in Tyler’s pose, and get the first cover, for an easy kick out. He puts Tyler in an armbar, and then keeps working the arms, pulling him down. Summer bends from the waist in front of commentary, in front of Dolph and he says he’s been there and done that. Neville gets Tyler out of the ring, and then Summer gets in the way and screams, again, so Neville stops and Dolph insinuates he’d leap onto a woman. We know, darling, you’re easy.
Back from the break, Neville is kicking Tyler around the ring, and then spins him over the top rope in a clothesline, before leaping out of the ring onto him, too. He throws Tyler back into the ring and does a lovely running shooting star press onto Tyler, who’s already looking a little battered. Neville goes to the top rope, gets spun outside, and then goes back in, over the rope. Tyler catches him with a supermodel kick, and he gets the pin for two and a half. Neville comes back with a kick of his own, Tyler lying still, and Neville goes to hit the red arrow, but Tyler rolls himself out. As Neville throws him back in, Summer grabs Neville’s foot for the distraction, and Tyler hits him with the unprettier for the win.
Dolph does the best commentary of any superstar and I would watch that every single night if that was on offer, because he actually called the match and didn’t just whine the whole way through. He called the match. He actually called the match. I’m honestly in shock right now.
We get a recap of Charlotte’s mini heel turn, and Becky has an interview with Jojo, where Becky says Charlotte is still her best friend, and that even though she’s not happy about what she did to win, she’s going to move on and have a new chapter. Jojo says that Paige’s betrayal must still be fresh, and Becky says that the difference is, she just doesn’t see Charlotte doing that. Brie and Alicia show up to mock Becky, calling her gullible, and then Charlotte arrives to back up Becky, saying that Becky will beat Brie easily in the match tonight. Once more, the same writer has been at work, because Brie pulls out ‘sweetheart’ like it’s something she normally says, and this is really, really winding me up now. Get a new writer, WWE, get a writer for each person on the roster, god knows you can probably afford it, or at least let the women use whatever term they’d usually use for a PG-13 ‘bitch’. Please. Brie says it’s lonely on top, but she doesn’t tell us what sexual positions she does like. Charlotte says she’ll always be in Becky’s corner, but Becky doesn’t look like she’s that convinced.
This match is next, Becky vs Brie, and they start off with Becky getting aggressive from the beginning, heading to Brie who feigns the ankle injury Charlotte did. Brie gets a foot to Becky’s face, and slams Becky face first into the mat, for a pin and a kick out for two. Team BAD have a kendo stick and a piñata, for some reason. Brie gets the Bryan kicks to Becky, then a dropkick, and takes her down for another couple of submission holds. Becky gets some blows to Brie’s stomach and takes her down with a couple of lariats, before a suplex to Brie, and a pin for two. Becky sets up for the disarmer, but Brie grabs the ropes, and Brie manages to get an elbow to Charlotte as she goes down. Becky puts Brie into the disarmer, and Charlotte can’t let it go, leaping in and pulling Brie out from under Becky, to punch her in the face, getting Becky disqualified. Charlotte says Brie hit her, but Becky’s furious, she doesn’t care, she just wants Charlotte to get out of her face.
Backstage, The Miz is talking to Neville and saying that Neville needs someone to teach him about charisma and personality. Miz compares Neville to Daniel Bryan, and I let out a low whistle which wakes my wife, and Neville takes Miz’s card… and a DVD of Santa’s Little Helper.
Renee is interviewing Rusev and Lana, Lana with a lovely braid that I want to copy later, when I’m not typing like a demon. We get a catch-up on the Lana taking the stairs to the hip, where Rusev decided to help Lana instead of fighting Ryback. Lana says Ryback is a barbarian who doesn’t know what to do with a beautiful woman, but Rusev does. Rusev says he can always have another match, but he can never have another Lana, he says that Ryback is a coward, and that next time he sees him, he’s going to crush him. They kiss, and the camera pulls back to Renee like ‘I can’t kiss my boyfriend on telly, what gives?’
New Day come out, Big E making ‘booty angels’ on the ring. The Usos are in next, followed by Dean, and we start with Jimmy and Xavier in the ring, Jimmy taking Xavier down with a few good chops, driving him into the corner and holding him there for Jey to get tagged in. Jey gets the pin for two. Roman’s watching backstage with a sleek little man bun, very nice, and Jey gets another pin to Xavier for two while I’m busy thinking about that. Xavier tags in Kofi, who walks straight into a takedown, but Jey gets dragged into the corner and Big E is tagged in, taking Jey down hard and a pin for two. Xavier tagged back into smack Jey around a little, pinning him for two again, and Jey looks flat in the ring, pulled into a submission move in the middle of the ring, before powering out and taking a dropkick to the chest. Big E tagged in again for the big splash, but Jey sits up in time, Jimmy leading the claps with the crowd, and Dean’s tagged in for some jabs and chops, taking Big E down in a DDT spot, before sliding out of the ring and sending Kofi and Xavier into the barricades, Big E comes to bring him back into the ring, but Dean does that clever little spin on the apron and comes back, throwing Big E instead. He drags Big E back into the ring and into the corner, but E picks him up easily and balances him on the top rope, rope between his legs. Kofi then leaps onto him, sending Dean out of the ring holding his groin in pain.
We come back from the break to the unicorn stampede taking it out on Dean in the corner, while he’s almost flat, and Roman’s looking angry and upset backstage. Kofi gets a pin for two, and Dean looks pretty out of it, but he powers out of Kofi’s hold, before Kofi slides out of the ring, Dean’s feet in his hand, and slams him face first into the mat. He then leaps from the top rope and hits Dean hard, Xavier tagged in for a great kick and a pin, but Dean kicks out at two again. A big kick to the gut from Big E, and Dean is still aware enough to get some jabs in on Big E, but he gets a belly to belly suplex and a pin – where he still kicks out at two. Big E heads to the corner for a cheap shot, but Dean manages to get him over the ropes and out of the ring, staggering to the opposite corner for the tag. He doesn’t make it, Kofi getting tagged in and hitting him with a cross-body from the top rope. He manages to pin Kofi for two and a half, and then both men are up and looking for a tag.
Jimmy Uso in against Xavier Woods for some fast paced hitting, a beautiful hot coming in from that. Kofi comes in to break it up, so Jey jumps in and they do a little twin Rikishi moment, which is kinda sweet. Jimmy and Xavier alone in the ring again, Jimmy getting the pin, but Big E comes back into the ring to break it up, Dean taking him out with a missile dropkick from the top rope, sending Big E out of the ring, then leaping onto him, but getting caught. Jey comes over the ropes to help, and Jimmy takes out Xavier in the ring. He heads to the top rope, but comes down hard after Kofi yanks on it, hitting the knee we saw injured on Raw, with Xavier rising to another blow to it, then a hit which leaves it twisted in the ropes as Jimmy falls into the ring. Xavier hits him with a kick to the face, and Jimmy goes down for the three count. We see Roman backstage, worried – he knows he needs a new plan if he’s going to face the Euroboys on his own. Jimmy’s slamming his hand into the mat in fury that he’s going to be letting his cousin down. One vs. all indeed.
The Wyatts are doing a promo from some shed they live in or something, telling the Dudleys that they’re here. So then the Dudley’s come out – with Tommy Dreamer, who I’m renaming Tommy Dudley, because that’s what he’s there for – and the Wyatts join them to ECW chants from the crowd. Starting with D-Von against Bray, with Rowan distracting, D-Von starting off strong, but a huge clothesline from Bray takes him down, Bray then getting D-Von with a kick and into the corner, head to turnbuckles, working him hard until he gets him in a stranglehold. He powers out with a fist to the gut, but gets a knee anyway, Bray flat out and D-Von getting him from the top rope, for the pin. Bray kicks out at two. Bray hits sister Abigail for three, for the fastest match I’ve seen tonight, and Bray holds D-Von for another Abigail as Bubba and Dreamer stand on the apron. Rowan, Strowman and Harper get a table out, but Bubba and Deamer pull kendo sticks out from under the ring and go to work on them. Strowman bear hugs Bubba until he’s out, and then they shove Dreamer through a table, Harper shouting ‘welcome home, boy’ at him. The Wyatts pile up the Dudleys like they’re setting up a bonfire, and Bray displays them like prizes they’ve won.
Sheamus is out next, with his Euroboys, and we get everyone’s entrance music, which is nice. Barrett comes out first, because Sheamus is good to his in-ring husband and best mate, then Rusev, then Del Rio, because no one likes Del Rio. Apparently commentary think global warming is a joke. Okay boys. Hope you can swim. We see Roman backstage, doing up the last bits of his vest, as Dean and the Usos come in, Jimmy being supported by Jey, both of them upset, saying they let Roman down. Dean says they’ll be at ringside for him, and leaves Roman hanging for a fist bump, so Roman just sort of… knocks his fist against Dean’s chest until he returns it with a little eye roll. Dean makes some infuriated noises as Renee tells them that, actually, they’re banned from ringside.
Roman actually looks tired already at the start of this match, but he’s also smiling smugly, so he doesn’t look too worried. The crowd pop seems a little bigger than we usually get, so maybe this plan to put Roman against insurmountable odds is working. Del Rio is first from the Euroboys side, and the two lock up grudgingly, Del Rio backing away, so Roman says they’ve got all this space. Del Rio leads with aggressive kicks and blows, Roman bouncing off the rope to plant a huge kick to Del Rio’s face, and backing him back into the corner. Rusev tagged in, but Roman’s not going into the corner, and so Rusev doesn’t approach. Sheamus does, though, tagged in, and drags Roman into the Euroboys’ corner, taking him down to sit on the bottom rope, before Rusev tags in for some fists, then Barrett in for kicks. Sheamus back in for some huge blows to the face, but the official wants them out of the corner, so Sheamus bounces Roman off the ropes and ends up with a fist to the face instead of whatever he was planning. He goes down hard, and Roman pins him for two. As Roman moves away, Barrett grabs him by the ankles, sending him face first into the mat, but the official saw it, and so, amidst Roman crumpled in the corner and getting fists to the gut, Barrett is sent away from ringside for his behaviour.
Sheamus is pushing things with the ref, too, and so Roman rises to get some incredible hits into Sheamus’ face, but we go to a break. When we come back, Sheamus takes Roman down for a two count from a lariat, and then tags in Del Rio while he holds Roman in an armbar. Del Rio climb the ropes to punch Roman in the face, rolling him over for a cover for one, before dragging him by the ankle into the corner, where he tags in Rusev. Rusev takes him back with a huge drop, the back of his head hitting the ring hard, and Rusev leans all his weight on him, elbows over and over to the shoulder, before going back to leaning on him. The cheers of the crowd seem to help him rise up, but Rusev throws him right over the side of the ring and into the barricades, Rusev keeping the ref busy while Sheamus and Del Rio work Roman over with their boots a little, before jumping back on the apron like little angels for when the official turns around. Tag made, Sheamus follows him out of the ring to slam Roman into the barricades a little more, before Sheamus gets them back into the room.
Roman stumbles, back inside, holding his side, and Sheamus crows that they’ve got all day. Actually, fella, you’ve got about ten minutes, but that’s more than long enough for what you want to do. He kicks Roman hard in the side, taking him down flat, then tags in Rusev. Rusev drags Roman away from the ropes and gets a diving headbutt, Roman still able to kick out at two. Rusev hauls him up by the vest, the ref trying to get him to let go, but he sets him up for a glancing elbow off the top rope from Del Rio, tagged in, who gets another cover, this time for one. Back into the Euroboys corner, Sheamus gets tagged in, taking him into the corner for a huge suplex, then into a stranglehold, working Roman down even more, his arms going limp as he tries to shake himself free. He powers out to ‘let’s go Roman’ chants, and Roman manages to dodge his way clear, letting Sheamus slam into the ring post and land himself on the outside, Roman coughing raspily in the ring.
Roman’s in the furthest corner he can be in, and Sheamus rolls in to tag in Rusev, who runs into a big boot from Roman, who takes Roman down in a Samoan drop, but that’s knocked a hell of a lot of air out of him, too. Rusev crawls to get Del Rio tagged in, who misses his running enzuigiri and gets a kick from Roman, who manages to get an elbow drop, too, having Del Rio in the corner with clotheslines, before getting him with another kick off the ropes. Roman sets up for the superman punch, but Rusev is in the ring, so he gets it instead, and Del Rio hits him with a backstabber, taking him down for what looks like the win – but Roman manages to kick out. Del Rio sets up for the arm breaker, but Roman counters it and manages to spear him. He gets the cover, but Sheamus breaks it up with an elbow. Roman counters the brogue kick, Sheamus knocked over the edge of the ring to where Rusev is with a huge clothesline. He’s not content with that, and comes around for a drive by, which Sheamus dodges, but it does catch Rusev in the head. Sheamus comes back with a big punch to the gut, throwing him into the steps – but Roman jumps and dodges, coming back with a superman punch.
Rusev grabs Reigns, but he turns it around and sends him sprawling into the timekeepers’ area, only to get grabbed by Del Rio who gets slammed into the announce table, and it’s then we realise that the ref is counting Roman out, and it already at eight. He somehow makes it inside before ten, the crowd going wild, and so Roman wins, against all the odds, a match that was stacked against him from the start and was, to be fair, pretty damn incredible to watch. Roman’s music plays, and Barrett comes down from ringside. While he’s distracting Roman, Sheamus hits him with a brogue kick, then stands over his prone figure and stomps him, along with Rusev and Del Rio. The Usos and Dean run down to the ring, and drive the Euroboys away, helping a tired and bruised Roman to his feet, Roman’s boys holding up and holding him close, the four of them a close knit team in the ring as SmackDown ends.